Should I Go????

LegacyUser

My brother is due to get married next month and I don't particularly like my future sister in law and I am begining to wonder if I should go to the wedding at all. Its a bit long! Let me fill you in.

When they orginally got engaged 2 years ago, she asked me to be bridesmaid which of course I agreed to do and when I moved away, the plan was still that I would do it, flying home for dress fitting as such. In January of this year I received a phone call from my mother saying that I was not doing it and apparently I knew all about it which I didn't. So my mother told them that they would have to phone me and tell me themselves. Then I receive a phone call from the bride asking when I can come home for the dress fitting!!

Cowards! Anyways, told her I would be home in May and that was that. In the March I found out I was pregnant and my mother (being the proud grandmother) called the bride immediately to tell her the news. An hour later, she calls my mother to say that I cannot be bridesmaid because I'm pregnant and they won't make the dress into a maternity one and that she would still have to pay for it even though the material had not yet been ordered by the dressmaker. Does this really happen? My friend was in a similar situation and the dress was made to suit. So she picked someone else.

In the past couple of months my family have been left out in the lurch on all details of the wedding, not only her fault but that of my brothers. But when my mother did ask a few questions to the bride she was promptly told that it was none of her business. Can't ask my brother anything because he goes on the defensive.

The bride did ask my mother was colour she was planning to wear to the wedding so that she doesn't clash with the mother of the bride. My mother said a pink and white suit to which the bride practically bit her head off. Nobody is allowed to wear white only the bride! It wasn't that my mother would have a big white dress on, more a frill of white lace on the pink. She has also told us that the white dress we bought for a four year old girl who will be attending the wedding is not allowed. Will people mistake her for the bride?????? she says that people will assume that its her daughter but its a very small wedding and anybody who is going knows them well enough to know that they dont have children.

I know girls turn into bridezilla over weddings, being that its their day and all that jazz but seriously, it just seems to be one thing on top of another. And there is more but this is already long enough. I'm just wondering if I should go or not..... it whole thing is doing my head in. Especially how she treats my mother. Should I take a stance and not go? Or would I always be considered the subborn little bitch for not attending??

All thoughts welcome.

Thanks

seamus

Sounds like standard bridezilla stuff to me.

Unfortunately a lot of women spend all their time trying to make this the perfect day for themselves, and end becoming complete psychos over the whole thing.

My advice would be to go for your brother, and for your entire family to stay out of her way. Wear whatever the hell you want to the wedding.

This girl will have her entire two years consumed by planning this wedding into her perfect day. In the end, she'll be so controlling on her wedding day that she'll have a terrible time, and when she arrives home from her honeymoon it'll be a complete anticlimax.

This is where you get to be smug

Static M.e.

He is YOUR brother, of course you should go.

She might change, but you will never be able to change the fact that you did or didnt go to the wedding.

Gordon

Bridezilla, heh, I've heard a few stories myself and I think the crux of the matter stemmed from jealousy issues.

It's your brother's wedding right? I would be really upset if a family member of mine didn't come to my wedding simply because my future wife was being a tit. I'd prefer to be told about the problems though.

Little-Devil

She sounds like spoilt B*tch and i would guess she walks all over your brother from what you have said.

I think you should go for your brother's sake and that of your mother & father to keep the peace. The last thing you want is a falling out with your brother and she would probably love that if it did happen. I can't believe the way she has spoken to your mother about her dress and that of a 4yr old girl:mad: I think she needs to be brought down a peg or two, but i believe she will gets what coming. I take it your brother knows how she has spoken to your mother? ( why dont you get a dress with the colour white and say another colour and dont say anything until you turn up haha.


The end of day you don't have to get along with this girl, just turn up and enjoy yourself and have a laugh.

LegacyUser

Yeah, I think you're right. I should go for my brother but he hasn't been very nice about it either considering that he only invited half of our family and yet all her family are going. Including some that she has never met!
I was thinking of wearing a cream coloured or ivory dress but I figure that is too spiteful.

Marksie

I would turn up for your brothers sake, but if she keeps going on like this... just tell her to stop being such a cow and your brother should really say something..
After the wedding day you will all have to face reality..lets hope she isnt like this when the wedding is over.!
There is no need to treat your mother like that.
Of course you could, as one poster suggested wear garish clashing colours .. but why stir the pot

The_B_Man

ye, just go! otherwise, if theres any future arguments wit u and her (or indeed ur bro) u'll be liable to get that thrown back in ur face! so, dont think about it and jsut go!

Fanny Cradock

Banning the colour white :eek: That's OUTRAGEOUS! :mad: DON'T GO. Stay at home and make your protest. Fanny supports you.

No doubt after missing one of the most symbolic days of your brother and future sister-in-laws' relationship they will just laugh it off. More importantly - realising the error of her ways, your sister-in-law will become a better, kinder person after noting your absence. She'll be like the sister you never had. Happy days! Your brother will respect you for this act.

However nasty she is, I can't believe that you would even countenance not going. How selfish and damaging an act would that be.

seamus

bridefromhell wrote:

Yeah, I think you're right. I should go for my brother but he hasn't been very nice about it either considering that he only invited half of our family and yet all her family are going.

Well, that's actually where I draw the line. Either everyone gets invited or only a select few do. Regardless of how controlling she is about the wedding, the guest list is somwhere where there should be equal weight. One person expressly not allowing the other to invite certain people without secrificing their own is essentially like saying "It's more important that my family goes than yours". If you feel a need to not go as a protest, then this would be worthwhile IMO.

LegacyUser

I think U should go and keep the peace.

This could be the sort of thing whereby, if
U don't go, offence could be taken.
Such offence could last a lifetime ...
Do ya want that ???

Gordon

seamus wrote:

Well, that's actually where I draw the line. Either everyone gets invited or only a select few do. Regardless of how controlling she is about the wedding, the guest list is somwhere where there should be equal weight. One person expressly not allowing the other to invite certain people without secrificing their own is essentially like saying "It's more important that my family goes than yours". If you feel a need to not go as a protest, then this would be worthwhile IMO.

I don't think that's entirely fair. Purely for the fact that the OP doesn't know exactly why her side of the family isn't fully invited. I agree that there should be a fair balance but we don't know the reasoning behind it.

OP, why not try calmly to ask him why only a select few of your side of the family has been invited?

We could make assumptions and pin it all on her but maybe your brother is at fault, or simply doesn't want certain people going.

LegacyUser

Gordon wrote:

I don't think that's entirely fair. Purely for the fact that the OP doesn't know exactly why her side of the family isn't fully invited. I agree that there should be a fair balance but we don't know the reasoning behind it.

OP, why not try calmly to ask him why only a select few of your side of the family has been invited?

We could make assumptions and pin it all on her but maybe your brother is at fault, or simply doesn't want certain people going.

The reason being that only a select few on our side are going is due finance. The budget is too small apparently. When we do ask him, he goes on the defensive and we end up none the wiser. He is just as bad! He just wants her to have the day she always dreamed of.

Gordon

Finance? You mean that people can't go because they need to be flown over or shipped over? Does that mean that her side of the family don't need to be flown over - they can make their own way there?

Chucky the tree

bridefromhell wrote:

. He is just as bad! He just wants her to have the day she always dreamed of.

He wants that because it means more peace and quiet for him. Thats probaly the reason he is not kicking up a fuss.

Sometimes us fellas have to take the hit for the team.

Anway you definitly have to go. I am pretty shocked someone would even consider not going just because the wife is a bit of a weapon.

Darragh29

If you really want to pi*s her off, run with all her ****e up to an hour before the wedding and then just don't show up! Do a no-show!!! Can't think of anything that would annoy her more!

Sony

Of course you should go

Be dignified and just go along with it,use it as time spent with your family

NOT going is something that will unnecessarily kick something off - she doesnt sound worth it

up for anything

Don't go if you're going to sit there exuding displeasure. I was at a wedding last week where one of the groom's brothers hated his brother's new wife (something to do with a fight in a pub where she threw a glass ashtray at his head and he got her down on the floor and punched her a few times - nice people). Anyhow the brother wouldn't wear the suit hired for him, sat at the back of the church and skitted his way through the ceremony (we're talking a 35 year old here) and then wouldn't stand in for any of the photos. The groom, probably needled mercilessly by his new bride, asked his brother and wife to leave somewhere between the starter and the main course. I'm sure this has made for huge bad feeling and lousy memories of the day.

Black Swan

bridefromhell wrote:

I know girls turn into bridezilla over weddings, being that its their day and all that jazz but seriously, it just seems to be one thing on top of another. And there is more but this is already long enough. I'm just wondering if I should go or not..... it whole thing is doing my head in. Especially how she treats my mother. Should I take a stance and not go? Or would I always be considered the subborn little bitch for not attending??

Bridezilla strikes! Apparently the bride is completely stressed out and not handling it well. Using this to make a statement drops you to her level. If I was you, I would rise above the occasion and go. You probably love your brother, so do it for him. And who knows, someday she may mature and you could be both friends? She will soon be family, and family is one of the most important things on earth (even when they are a real pain sometimes).

cance

what a blatant b1tch, and hes worse for not explaining it!

id go, but id go in my bathrobe and slippers. both of which would be white. id bring the child in a swimsuit (she had nothing else to wear!!!:eek: ) and id be sure to drop as many

"is that dress a bit baggy or are you showing?"
"thats a lovely materni... errr. wedding dress"
"are your feet swollen?"

fuzzywiggle

Yes! Go to the wedding and wear a white dress. Please do it!

I have a sister in law from hell, they got married abroad so none of our family attended the wedding but wish I could have been there to ruin her day.

Chinafoot

Ah you have to love weddings. All the stress and expense for the sake of one day. I've often heard it said that the groom is merely another of the bride's accessories. It's a sad fact but wedding days are more often than not all about the bride and this is most likely the case here.

For the dress issue, it sounds to me like she is using your pregnancy as an excuse to not have you as bridesmaid. I was recently bridesmaid for my sister's wedding and getting the dresses organised was one of the more stressful parts so in a way you can see her point in wanting to take the easy route, particularly as you would have to fly back in order to attend fittings. Perhaps she just assumed that you wouldn't want to do it and when she found out you did she didn't want to cause offence and so she asked when you would be back for fittings. I don't see that as cowardly. You seem to be quite pissed off over this but if you dislike her so much anyway surely it's a blessing in disguise?

I see your point on the issue of the guest list. It's ridiculous but weddings can cause a lot of offence particularly when you pick and choose who to invite from your family so I can understand your concern with regard to the guest list. However, this is up to you brother and his fiance. You may not agree with their decisions but it is their day, not yours and not your mother's. Perhaps the people left off the list are people your brother doesn't want there. Perhaps her family have more of an influence in decisions than yours. Perhaps they are the type that would be mortified if everyone wasn't invited and she would never be forgiven (it happens). So maybe they aren't lying..maybe the budget is too small to allow everyone to go. Again, that is their decision.

The colours issue does seem very irrational but to be honest, brides-to-be don't exactly have a reputation for calm and rational thinking now do they? Weddings are very stressful. You're paying what is often a hell of a lot of money for one day and you want it to be perfect. And let's face it, the day is about the bride and attention is generally focused on her. Many brides-to-be don't want anything to take away from that attention. Perhaps she is also following wedding superstitions, such as only the bride being allowed wear white. While she may not have spoken to your mother in the most pleasant of ways, when it comes to organising the big day some lee-way needs to be given or all hell will break loose.

You don't have to agree with any of their decisions but it is their day. Of course your brother will get defensive when you question him about it. Chances are he is fully aware of your dislike for his future wife and that can't really be a nice thing to have to experience, particularly in the run up to her becoming part of the family. Don't let your dislike of her get in the way of your relationship with your brother. If you boycott the wedding that is exactly what will happen.

Beruthiel

Good lord.
Your poor brother, have you any idea what it's like to be piggy in the middle?
He's got his future wife on one side and his mother and sister on the other, all giving him grief and him trying to please everyone.
Sounds like a total nightmare, I'd say he's just about ready to crack.

Give the lad a break, you may not like this woman, that's fair enough, I dislike one of my brother-in-laws, he's an arrogant snob. However I still went to my sisters day and said nothing, if she has decided to marry this person, she has her reasons and for her they are good reasons and she's happy.
She does not know my thoughts on him, I am polite and make an effort when we meet.
At the end of the day he's my sisters choice and I can certainly suck it up for the days we are in the same room.
Why not do the same for your brother if you love him?

savoyard

Why do you even want to be her bridesmaid? It sounds like you've had very little contact with the girl since the engagement and even mild Bridezillas like having a bridesmaid that is vaguely interested in the job. My initial thought, which could be totally off the mark, was that you don't really want to be her bridesmaid, you just want to be a bridesmaid.

As regards the other stuff, weddings bring out the worst in people - the couple and the guests. Nothing will ever please everyone and you'll always insult someone. Traditionally the groom's family have shag all to do with the organisation. If your brother isn't bothered, that's his choice and his fault, not hers. Why isn't he telling your mother about the details?

Of course you should go. If you don't go, you'll just look petty and upset your brother. If you were a bridemaid, part of the job description is meant to be helping the bride in the run up and she sounds like a bit of a chore, so she's probably doing you a favour. Plus you'll save on the airfares for the refits.

LegacyUser

I'm actually not that bothered about being bridesmaid although I have yet to be informed by the bride or groom that I will not be doing it. The just presume that I know that I am not doing it. She has informed people that she is unimpressed by my pregnancy - something to do with stealing her thunder or something but that's not even an issue to me. It just seems that my family are more or less unwanted guests that have to be invited.
As wedding presents we are paying for certain thing to do with the wedding, photographers, buses ect which are not cheap. We were only told yesterday about bus pickup points which I might add are suited to her family - not ours!

I will go to the wedding because I don't wanted to be the "reason" the wedding was ruined and I haven't really said anything up to this point but I'm finding it extremely hard to bite my tongue. I have been home a couple of times in the past couple of months to which both have completely ignored me when I was there because I asked a question about the wedding. Nothing bad, just about where the bus pick up points were.

Vegeta

wow i cant beieve so many people are telling you to go.

I'd be sitting at home eating junk food watching dvds rather than go to her fcukin wedding.

How many people have have said "family is sooo important" they are dead right. Its bout time your chicken of a brother stood up for you and your ma. You are his family. She isn't family yet.

If he hasn't stood up for you then don't go, simple as.

If any of my brothers let that stuff slide there'd be an empty chair at the head table.

pretend to go and then bail at the last minute

EDIT: by the sounds of it his future wife is a bitch so chances are he might get married again in a few years to someone nice.

Oh if she uses the internet show her this thread

Ickle Magoo

If it were me I'd go for my brother - and no other reason.

She sounds like a complete drama queen...I don't know why so many brides think they are more important than their guests - if that is the case, then elope!! If you want guests then you want them to feel as welcome and as comfortable as possible.

When I got married I was delighted people made the effort to come & wtiness our special day - your brother needs to remind her what her priorities should be! :rolleyes:

Nevyn

bridefromhell did you know that it is a feritlity blessing for the couple and thier marriage to have an expectant mother at the proceedings ?
I think this point should be made.
Wedding are as far as I am concerned horrendus things, I just about made it through my own sisters last year.
But family is family and you will be there for the rest of your family and to show that you and your's knows how to behave.
But it does sound like some one should have a chat with your brother.

Miss Fluff

As Fuzzywiggle said. Go the wedding, smile sweetly and wear the whitest dress you can find

Angels

bridefromhell wrote:

I'm actually not that bothered about being bridesmaid although I have yet to be informed by the bride or groom that I will not be doing it. The just presume that I know that I am not doing it. She has informed people that she is unimpressed by my pregnancy - something to do with stealing her thunder or something but that's not even an issue to me. It just seems that my family are more or less unwanted guests that have to be invited.
As wedding presents we are paying for certain thing to do with the wedding, photographers, buses ect which are not cheap. We were only told yesterday about bus pickup points which I might add are suited to her family - not ours!

I will go to the wedding because I don't wanted to be the "reason" the wedding was ruined and I haven't really said anything up to this point but I'm finding it extremely hard to bite my tongue. I have been home a couple of times in the past couple of months to which both have completely ignored me when I was there because I asked a question about the wedding. Nothing bad, just about where the bus pick up points were.

Go one even better, find a dress ok a really bright colour like fusion pink or green something funny right, cause you'll be in the wedding photos. That'll tick the cranky bi*ch off. Maybe this would not be something you would do so in that case just get a really DAZ white dress!!

At my cousins wedding a few years ago, her sister in law wore a white suit to her wedding she was in tears saying it brings bad luck if someone else wears white to your wedding. Well now shes getting divorced after 3 years of marraige!!

Ayla

I'm siding w/ those who say to go for the sake of your brother (and the rest of your family), and go in good graces. Everyone who's going knows they'll have one pain to deal with (the bride), but you'll be the scandel if you don't go or if you go with the intention of angering the bride (ie: wearing white/colours/bathrobe/etc). It may feel good on some spiteful level, but you'll probably regret it later.

A wedding is just one day out of a lifetime, and if you can go and have a good time (forget about the bride even, if that helps you have fun) then you'll be better off for it. Just remember, scandel and hard feelings last a lot longer than a wedding.

You can't help that the bride's being a pain (although the fact that neither she nor your bro have the balls to officially kick you out of the wedding party does bite). But you can control your own behaviour. You can go and have a good time, and be a support to your bro and your mom. You'll be the bigger one for it.