Why is love so cruel?

remain unknown

Well folks, posted before and it still killing me inside. I hate life and I hate love. I thought love was meant to be a magical thing. Ive been split up with my ex for nearly a month now. I loved my ex. I still love her. I asked her has she thought about us, and she said no. I asked why, and she said theres nothing to think about. She told me she doesnt want to be with me, so I asked ever? She said she didnt know. She told me she felt trapped in our relationship. She wanted to go out every week with her friends. We have a daughter together. SHe doesnt work. I cant afford to be spending my money on me, her and my child, as well as financing her social life. Plus, she cant go out every week, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week, because having a child means you cant. We never went out. She is now seeing another guy, but she doesnt want a relationship. Just a laugh. Im afraid that she is carrying over the love for me, that she didnt realise she had, to the new relationship. Life is so hard. Love sucks big time. Ive lost all faith on love

projectmayhem

broke up with my girlfriend (not so serious circumstances as yourself, twas only 1 year with no kiddies etc.) in may and while i'll always "love" her in the caring sense, i think i've passed the whole "there is no hope" hurdle. though i still have a huge crush on her, to be american about it

simple way to get over a girl, imo, is get out there and talk to other girls. working a charm for me.

but yes, love does suck...

Tar.Aldarion

Join the love ruins your life club, act so irrationally and hurt the one person you love most in the world.
I'm hoping to get over that, I don't see her anymore though it kills me every day. She probably doesn't think of me at all, which is for the best. I hope you feel better soon OP, that's a horrible situation.
She has no job, she an't go out that much, a baby is a huge responsibility.
Talking to other girls is a good start, even if you don't want it to go anywhere. I know of two girls that like me atm, beautiful gals, I enjoy talking to them and it helps me to forget things for a brief while. I think you should go out and just try it.

Ruu_Old

She is moving on OP, so its time for you to do the same. Its hard to accept it but its over I'm afraid. Life is tough but it won't be that way forever. Best of luck.

greenteaicedtea

I was dumped by someone in April and I'm not over it yet... I wish I was. Sometimes I see him and we chitchat nicely, but it hurts to talk to him. It's nice to chitchat, but the fact that we get along makes me thing "why? why?" inside, that if we still get along, why did he end it? But it's over and I know it.

You need time, I think. It takes time to get over someone. As someone said above, if the other person is getting on with their life, you might as well get on with yours.

remain unknown

thanks folks. My main issue is that there was no downfall as such. It just happend. literraly, 5om things were great 5:30 no longer together. nothing happened between. If i had closure it would be easier. If we argued and it happened it would be easier. Im a very shy guy. Ive been told im very good looking guy, but im very shy and cant talk to anybody else. Plus, being honest, im not in the mood at all. I still love my ex, i thought she was "the one". I still feel that way. We were planning on getting married. Life really sucks, and love is the only thing that can completely destroy you. I need to rebuild my life. Everyday it gets a bit better, then something happens, and knocks my right back again. I cant keep going on like this. Its killing me slowly..

Ruu_Old

Unfortunately life is about taking knocks (I've had plenty and I'm sure we all have) but you have to continue fighting back, things will get back to normal for you at some stage. Take care now and get some rest.

Metacortex

remain unknown wrote:

thanks folks. My main issue is that there was no downfall as such. It just happend. literraly, 5om things were great 5:30 no longer together. nothing happened between. If i had closure it would be easier. If we argued and it happened it would be easier. Im a very shy guy. Ive been told im very good looking guy, but im very shy and cant talk to anybody else. Plus, being honest, im not in the mood at all. I still love my ex, i thought she was "the one". I still feel that way. We were planning on getting married. Life really sucks, and love is the only thing that can completely destroy you. I need to rebuild my life. Everyday it gets a bit better, then something happens, and knocks my right back again. I cant keep going on like this. Its killing me slowly..

Thats one of the worst things.
Im 2 weeks out of a 6 year relationship and some days i feel like its going to kill me and others i know i'll be ok.
The best thing to do, i've found, is to try look to the future and try look after youself.

ozt9vdujny3srf

5om things were great 5:30 no longer together. <- bollocks

The clearly werent that great, things dont fall apart in half an hour.

I'm not saying its your fault but i doubt it happened that suddenly. Minds are really weird.

remain unknown

Can anybody answer this?

What do women look for in a man?

What attracts them to him?

What puts them off?

remain unknown

Niko Swift Uncle wrote:

5om things were great 5:30 no longer together. <- bollocks

The clearly werent that great, things dont fall apart in half an hour.

I'm not saying its your fault but i doubt it happened that suddenly. Minds are really weird.

it honestly was. We were planning the weekend. When I got talking to her the following day, she said she just felt she couldnt go home and left. I asked why, and she couldnt really answer it. Thats what is making this so hard.

Chinafoot

It may have seemed that way but for god's sake man if you think that she literally changed her mind about you in the space of 30 minutes then I think you're pretty much delusional.

Read back over the thread you have dragged back up. She wasn't happy. She may not have expressed it to you until that point but that doesn't mean she suddenly decided she didn't want you.

Stop wallowing and focus on your daughter.

miss_gonzo

remain unknown wrote:

Can anybody answer this?

What do women look for in a man?

What attracts them to him?

What puts them off?

darling, theres no way to answer those questions...its all opinion based, obviously. Im sorry to hear youre going through all this I dont know what advice I can offer, but keep strong. this always helps me: when going through hell, keep going.

remain unknown

miss_gonzo wrote:

when going through hell, keep going.

thanks. good quote. i have always said, everything happens for a reason. I just wish i knew the reason why!

miss_gonzo

remain unknown wrote:

thanks. good quote. i have always said, everything happens for a reason. I just wish i knew the reason why!

man I gave up on telling myself that everything happens for a reason, now Im just bitter ...but, if it helps you through this, then hold onto it.

remain unknown

miss_gonzo wrote:

man I gave up on telling myself that everything happens for a reason, now Im just bitter ...but, if it helps you through this, then hold onto it.

nothing will help me through this! i need to move on, but i cant. im not letting myself. my heart is stronger than my head, and thats my problem. Im way too loving for my own good!! I need to get on with my life. Theres no decent women in this city anyway! (sorry if i offend anyone saying that!)

Tar.Aldarion

Look, I know exactly how you feel, it will get better, if only very slowly. Believe you me, it has been a lot longer than amonth for me, I never see her or hear for her, she never loved me and I still can't even sleep, when I do I get horrible nightmares a lot.
Things will get better, hold on to that. Start going out. Try not to get wasted like I do, it makes you more depressed. Talk to girls, try to be as sober as you can, time is the only way probably.
There are other great women out there.

greenteaicedtea

Even if it seemed like she changed her mind quickly, the change was probably brewing in her mind beforehand - either consciously she was debating for awhile whether to continue, or maybe she knew something was wrong but couldn't put her finger on it. I have often kept up a relationship while having my doubts, just to give myself awhile to really decide whether I was just going through a doubtful phase. I mean, how do people stay married for years and years, without a certain amount of just putting up with stuff you don't like?

LegacyUser

some moron is walking around with your heart in their pockets.

Laslo

OP, I can't believe I'm the first one to say this but you're better off without her. If the two of you have a daughter and she wants not only to go out drinking with her mates every weekend but for you to fund it (does she have a job herself?) then she's obviously not mature enough to be a girlfriend... let alone a mother. Take your daughter, let mommy go out and have her fun, and find someone more deserving. When she grows up and comes back with her tail between her legs, hopefully you'll have moved on.

MonkeyWrench

Laslo wrote:

OP, I can't believe I'm the first one to say this but you're better off without her. If the two of you have a daughter and she wants not only to go out drinking with her mates every weekend but for you to fund it (does she have a job herself?) then she's obviously not mature enough to be a girlfriend... let alone a mother. Take your daughter, let mommy go out and have her fun, and find someone more deserving. When she grows up and comes back with her tail between her legs, hopefully you'll have moved on.

I agree with this. You deserve alot better than this man. She does sound like quite a selfish person going out on the piss and enjoying herself while you look after your daughter and pay for her ways.

A breakup doesn't happen in the space of half an hour, it may have seemed like that at the time and you are probably thinking to yourself what you said or did over in your mind in the few days leading up to that point. In reality though she had left you weeks if not months before that, she was just building up the courage to do so during that time.

Black Swan

There's someone else in your relationship. Your daughter. Be the best Da ever to her and your life will have meaning and purpose.

Beruthiel

remain unknown wrote:

5om things were great 5:30 no longer together. nothing happened between.

You know, I just don't believe that.
I'm betting she had this at the back of her mind for months, years even.
I'm also betting there were signs that you didn't pick up on, probably very subtle ones, but I'd bet a months wages they were there. Most blokes don't normally catch the subtle stuff but it's there. I'm betting she hung in there for a while to see if it would change or improve, it didn't so she left. My opinion of course, it's what I did.

Long term relationships can be difficult to keep going if you do not make the effort.
When you know someone a long time the 'rose tinted glasses' are off and if you don't respect and make an effort with each other to keep it alive, it just all falls apart eventually.
Little things like taking her away for a weekend, a surprise dinner or picnic, a night alone, cooking dinner for her etc.. if that stuff is all gone a wo/man will get bored.
Concentrate on your daughter and learn from the break up.

Beetlebum

Time is the greatest healer of all. My bf of four years broke up with me two months ago and got with a girl the very next night. He's still with her and because we share the same group of friends, I am forced to see them together sometimes. That first month was hell. I stopped going into work and almost lost my job. My appetite was gone completely, everytime I tried to eat my tummy tightened and I nearly got sick. I'm a size 8 and can't afford to lose any weight so I became really weak and kept fainting. I really didn't think I could go on but after only two months I'm well on the road to being fine again.

My friends forced me to pull myself together. I had no desire to meet anyone else or go out but they made me. I started going out 4-5 times a week and it did me the world of good. I'm not recommending that you hit the bottle but getting yourself back on the scene and having fun with your friends will really help you. I got blonde highlights in my hair and bought loads of new cloths. I surrounded myself with all my favourite things, friends, music, wine. These little things made all the difference. There are still days when I feel awful, but overall I'm on top of it. A month ago I was lower than I've evr been so time really is the key to healing. Be kind to yourself and try not to be bitter at the world or about love. You'll do yourself no favours that way...

dr.bollocko

I begin to wonder sometimes, too, about what us men are doing wrong in relationships today. I had a bit of a revelation, but its a personal one and I havent checked it against other relationships. so here goes.
When you started going out with this girl, were you also the type of person who would go out regularly?
Did she fall in love with the you that went out regularly?
Or maybe she fell in love with a guy who had a lot of hobbies, or a lot of friends? Well, I'll bet that she fell in love with a person who is a damn sight different to the person you are now right?
Did you find yourself losing friends after u started going out with this girl? As in friends you were very very close to, you started seeing them a lot less? Did you start staying in more, catering to her needs more, because making her happy made you happy? So gradually your attitude and personality sort of got moulded together with hers? Friends would ask if ye were coming out, not just you etc.

(I realise I am making more leaps and bounds in presumptions than superman here)
But maybe she fell in love with a person who wasnt into commitment, or being mature or just a you that wasnt quite so hung up in love with her. It seems like she is pushing you away, indicating that you were pulling her too close. I wonder if you spent many nights before the break up visualising the break up, and worrying about if it would happen, wondering what I could do for her to make her love me more / again?
Maybe its this (dutch door action) that caused her to change her mind and flee. Maybe she fell in love with a man that loved all that she did in life, and fell out of love with a man who had transferred all his love to her?
Sorry, very hypothetical, but I think the best possible scenario is to stop worrying so hard about "us" and start worrying about "you". Get yourself up, and get going places man, because life is short, and once you are going places, people will be snatching at your coat-tails to go with you.

Beetlebum

dr.bollocko wrote:

I begin to wonder sometimes, too, about what us men are doing wrong in relationships today. I had a bit of a revelation, but its a personal one and I havent checked it against other relationships. so here goes.
When you started going out with this girl, were you also the type of person who would go out regularly?
Did she fall in love with the you that went out regularly?
Or maybe she fell in love with a guy who had a lot of hobbies, or a lot of friends? Well, I'll bet that she fell in love with a person who is a damn sight different to the person you are now right?
Did you find yourself losing friends after u started going out with this girl? As in friends you were very very close to, you started seeing them a lot less? Did you start staying in more, catering to her needs more, because making her happy made you happy? So gradually your attitude and personality sort of got moulded together with hers? Friends would ask if ye were coming out, not just you etc.

(I realise I am making more leaps and bounds in presumptions than superman here)
But maybe she fell in love with a person who wasnt into commitment, or being mature or just a you that wasnt quite so hung up in love with her. It seems like she is pushing you away, indicating that you were pulling her too close. I wonder if you spent many nights before the break up visualising the break up, and worrying about if it would happen, wondering what I could do for her to make her love me more / again?
Maybe its this (dutch door action) that caused her to change her mind and flee. Maybe she fell in love with a man that loved all that she did in life, and fell out of love with a man who had transferred all his love to her?
Sorry, very hypothetical, but I think the best possible scenario is to stop worrying so hard about "us" and start worrying about "you". Get yourself up, and get going places man, because life is short, and once you are going places, people will be snatching at your coat-tails to go with you.

Whoa....I know your advice was intended for the OP but it grabbed me by the scruff of the neck. That's a really clever insight into relationships in general. I'm going to keep that in mind before embarking upon a new relationship. It's so important to remember who you are when your part of a couple. My bf told me in our break-up talk that he felt like he'd lost a part of his identity and he needed to find it again on his own. Neither of us are the people we were when we first got together. I used to be a bit of a wild card, always out dancing and having fun but I'm alot more of a worrier now. He also told me when we broke up that he missed the fun party girl he once knew. Your comment is right on the money!!

metrovelvet

We never went out.

There's your answer.

I thought love was meant to be a magical thing.

Whatever gave you that idea?

What you're experiencing now itsnt love, it's abandonment and ouch ouch ouch ouch.

5om things were great 5:30 no longer together. nothing happened between.

I dont believe this is either. I would bet money that she told you she wasnt happy or made complaints and you chose not to believe her at the time or you just didnt take it seriously. Happens all the time.

dr.bollocko

Thanks Beetlebum Im all red now! (my first proper quoting)
I just noticed from my relationships that I had lost a lot of myself in them. Bits I used to love about me just fell away in seconds, eroded away by a love more important. But the reason that anyone falls in love with anyone is because of who we are, not our devotion to them and willingness to sacrifice everything for them and give them what they want.
I guess when you're young too, and the concept in your head of the person you are is only being formed, a relationship can really stunt the growth of a beautiful and independent person.
Its of course important to be in a loving relationship, and to offer your partner love and support as much as you can, but goddamnit grab hold of who you are, put it in a bottle, swallow it and never let a bit of it out, keep it deep down below your chest, because if you dont you will lose your identity.
I just feel suddenly like in inviting a relationship to start, I also turned myself into a doormat, and invited the girl to wipe her feet, which of course they did, becuase thats what I was asking them to do! If I can ever manage to cling onto my identity and my relationship at the same time I will tell the world about it, but its a balancing act, and tight rope walkers fall lots, before they make it all the way across....

Millie1

While I was reading this thread that was exactly what I was thinking Dr. Bollocko!!!! I reckon you are bang on....I had the same revelation very very recently. And OP, since I became my old usual self again, things are improving for me. I think that when we meet someone we do lose a piece of who we are and that is the problem...maybe on the whole we all need to be a little mindful of that!

Tar.Aldarion

Wow, well said dr. Bollocko, spot on I would say for a lot of people. *looks at self*

Blu Eyz

Sorry for your troubles, you seem like a decent and genuine guy....

Life has to go on tho.....get out and do something at night perhaps....keeping busy is the only way i find that can help you move on...you prob dont feel like socialising much right now....in time you will start to feel better...and maybe then you will realise that she was not "The One".


Take care.

remain unknown

well dr bollocko, i think u hit the nail on the head there. Yes, she feel in love with a different me. But things happen, people change. Having a child is a life changing experience. It changed mine, but I dont think deep down it changed her. Dont get me wrong, I know she loves our daughter so much, but I think she has realised now, that what she was in and where it was going was scareing her.

She wants to be free and single. Cant be done with a kid. She needs to realise this. Over time she will, and im hoping by then, its too late, in the sense ive moved on and found somebody else to really love, and really love me back. I was 20 when I started going out with her. Ive emotionaly changed now. Im matured better. I stil lhave my issues yes, but we all do. Im working on them. I know what they are. She doesnt know her issues. And all i can say is, I love her, but shes not the person I feel in love with anymore. Shes not even the person who I knew anymore. She has changed.

Citizen Jake

OP, you are not obliged to pay for her nights out. :eek: As the child's father you are obliged A. To be a good, responsible father to that child and B. to provide for the child. NOT the mother's partying. Since you are split up and she's seeing someone else you need to make arrangements for your daughter and that involves providing for her only.:cool:

Tell your selfish bag of an ex to get a job since she's by her own choice a single mother. If she wants to spend your money buying another guy a few beers during the week, that's wrong. She's making a fool of you.

Make a solid financial arrangement to provide "only" for the child.

It's over. Meet someone nice and move on even if it is hell right now. Child or no child it's still going to hurt if a relationship ends. You'll still be "dad" to your daughter even in a new relationship. It's up to you. Life doesn't have to be hell, it could be wonderful but only time will demonstrate that to you.

And, can you not imagine a greater way to show what a great person you are than to go and pursue your dreams and be happy. Your trollup of an ex will certainly see what she's lost out on. But that's her loss, not yours. Jake

Marksie

remain unknown wrote:

I hate life and I hate love.

At the moment it feels like that.
I was engaged 6 years ago and she left for another man. I was devastated.

But you do move on, i went through the why, how and was it my fault phase. Denial, anger, grief, Bitterness then acceptance.

I really moved on looked at different aspects and examined who I am and was .

I also looked at her and whats and whys and who she was. I am not going to go into details but now i have more pity for her than anything else. I realised that i did do everything i could at the time and that i did love her and was taken for granted then discarded. But again it wasnt really her fault to an extent.
i can look back now without anger or grief

I said the same as you.
But never did close my heart to love, it just isnt in my nature.
What i did do was become wiser, in both whom i share my love and time with, stronger. and more self aware.
So much so that I am MORE open both to give and receive love, more aware of who i am. I have found that i can love the person i am with 100% but undonditionally.
In the end it was a liberating experience and it hasnt ended there, i am still developing and learning and growing

So all i would say is dont close your heart, life is worth living, you are unique, but let yourself grieve then move past it. Don't hold onto your feelings, that way lies a closing of yourself and permanent bitterness.
Best of luck