I want my boyfriend to propose

LegacyUser

Myself and my boyfriend are together going on 4 years.
He has never mentioned marriage and I don't want to bring it up directly as I wouldn't like him to think he has to propose (althought I REALLY want to marry him).

But... what I would like to know is if there is any subtle way to find out if a man want's to marry you, like questions I could ask?!

I know he definitely wants to be with me but I just can't ask him direct.

I'm sure many women go through this ...

Gordon

Why don't you propose to him?

seamus

Surely it's come up though, even jokingly?

Depending on your age, you should really know where you're headed. That is unless you're both 22. Even then though, four years is around the time you both should be asking yourselves - Do I want to stay with this person forever, or am I just having fun?

If you're living together, then the question has to have come up from family and friends, or even joking between yourselves.

Next time you're in bed, talking about the future, jokingly saying something along the lines of "When we're married....". If he doesn't bolt and run, you're safe.

Seriously though, there's no way of surreptitiously finding out, you'll just have to ask straight out.

Also ask yourself why you so really want to get married to him. Is it because you love him, or because you like the idea of being "engaged" for a while, getting a super-romantic proposal, wearing a fancy ring on your finger for a while, then having a big day in a beautiful dress where you're the centre of attention. If it's the latter, then you're going to be disappointed whatever the outcome.

Ruu_Old

Indeed, go ask him and give the men a break. Best of luck.

ArphaRima

I wouldnt like a girl to propose to me.
But it would be nice to know that if I did, I'd be able to predict the answer. That doesnt mean nagging him. Be tactful is all I can say.
Good luck.

cance

i find it difficult to believe it has never been mentioned, with my g/f for 6 years and it props up quite frequently these days. generally she mentions it and i collapse a ball of nerves, but yeah at least we discuss it

its traditional for the bloke to do it, but ask him where he wants the relationship to go. worst comes to worst ask him.

Beruthiel

Gordon wrote:

Why don't you propose to him?

This is a very valid option OP.

I don't understand how you could be together 4 years and have never discussed if at some point in the future you would like to be married some day.
If you do not wish to propose to him, ask him what he expects from the future.

LegacyUser

Gosh I counldn't propose to him... I'd be too afraid
I want to marry him because I love him and I want us to have children some day (I'd rather do this when I'm married)
It hasn't even come up jokingly that much tbh, but I guess I could bring it into the conversation a couple of times and see.

We are in our late 20's and I'm certinally sure he is the one, and he does feel the same he says.

Cake Fiend

Marriage wrote:

I just can't ask him direct

But it's ok for you to expect him to?

Sleepy

Why on earth would you want to waste thirty grand on a single day?

Maybe your boyfriend is happy with your relationship the way it is.

whippet

I was going out with my other have for about 6 years before I popped the question. And she has said to me since that she never thought I would, cos everytime she mentioned wedding or marrige I would either change the subject or go quite. I never really knew I was doing it but it was clear as day to her.

Although it took a few months to save up for the ring and a whopper of a credit card bill, as we were just about to buy a house and in those few months when I knew i was going to be popping the quesitons I wouldn't even discuss any notion of weddings as I didn't want to give the game away !!

Men like it to be a suprise, they just want to see the pure shock on the face and to have the lady blurt out yes !!

monkeyfudge

I thought women were only supposed to propose on February 29th.

Saruman

Sleepy wrote:

Why on earth would you want to waste thirty grand on a single day?

Maybe your boyfriend is happy with your relationship the way it is.

Does not have to cost that much!!! I got married in Vegas cost feck all!!
It was not a cheesy vegas wedding.. it was a lovely ceremony and far more fun than a stuffy irish church wedding.

Although it worked out for me better than most because my family is pretty small and my wife is American so a lot of her family made it and most of mine did.

LegacyUser

Thanks whippet that's a good bit of insight .. 6 years though!
As for the money side I've no interest in having a big wedding or expensive ring in fact I probably wouldn't even wear one as I don't wear jewlery.

I suppose a lot men don't think about these things like women do.

Firewalkwithme

Gordon wrote:

Why don't you propose to him?

My girlfriend (now my wife) seemed to tire of waiting for me to propose to her so she proposed to me on Feb 29th 2004 since there is some sort of tradition that girls are allowed propose on Feb 29th in a leap year.

I guess you're just going to have to wait until 2008.

DapperGent

I've been with my girlfriend for seven years, bought a place together and want to stay with her forever, but we're never getting married. Neither of us want to nor do we see the point at all.

It could be that he finds the idea of marriage outdated and an irrelevance. I know that I personally find the institution ridiculous.

LegacyUser

DapperGent wrote:

I've been with my girlfriend for seven years, bought a place together and want to stay with her forever, but we're never getting married. Neither of us want to nor do we see the point at all.

It could be that he finds the idea of marriage outdated and an irrelevance. I know that I personally find the institution ridiculous.

That's fine at least you both discussed it and made that decision.
We haven't got to that point yet and I'd be afraid if I started talking about it I'd freak him out!

Firewalkwithme

DapperGent wrote:

I've been with my girlfriend for seven years, bought a place together and want to stay with her forever, but we're never getting married. Neither of us want to nor do we see the point at all.

It could be that he finds the idea of marriage outdated and an irrelevance. I know that I personally find the institution ridiculous.

There are a great many legal and financial reasons which are far from irrelevant.

Nickibaby*

After four years though i think you should discuss with him what he wants in the future as regards marrying or staying with you or having kids. They are issues which you should discuss. And if you want to marry him - TELL HIM!

Good relationships are about having good communication with each other. Maybe he feels the same way you do and is afraid what you might say just like you wont bring up the subject with him.

CareBear

To be honest I would imagine that you have both said something about it at some stage that gave you an idea of how he felt

He could be thinking the same and is just very nervous that you mightn't want it

Just bring it up in passing and see what happens I'd say

Quackles

Just ask him! If you love him enough to marry him, if you've been with him 4 years, surely you could say something like "Do you ever want children? Yeah? You realise I want to be married first, you b*stard!!" Ok, just joking on the wording, but seriously - you've been with him four years, you have to know him well enough at this stage to know how to talk to him about this. I'm not saying propose, I'm just saying test the waters! I can honestly say (and I think my husband would back me up on this) that if I hadn't said anything we'd still be living in seperate houses visiting each other once or twice a week!

Edit - brainwave - easy way to broach the subject.. "Did you know the average wedding in Ireland costs over 20k? Isn't that ridiculous? When we get married, we should keep it small!"

RuggieBear

Cartoon_Head wrote:

There are a great many legal and financial reasons which are far from irrelevant.

What would those be?

elexes

have you ever thought that maby he dosnt believe in marriage ?

im just saying this cause uve never talked about it so maby he just dosnt want it . many relationships in this country last without the need for marriage

Ickle Magoo

I get the impression that the OP wants to get married.....lots of people do regardless of cost, fashion, etc - they just want to. Ruggie, I think when children become involved then there are legal advantages to being married...spouse tax reliefs, etc...

OP, the only way to find out if you are both thinking the same thing is to ask him...surely after 4yrs together you can't feel akward asking him if he wants to get married..you can ask in general terms ie "Do you think you will get married one day" or something like that? Even just to open dialogue....you don't need to ask him to marry you or even ask specifically if your own relationship is heading that way but I suspect that is what you really want to know. Best of luck

Firewalkwithme

RuggieBear wrote:

What would those be?

Tax breaks for married couples being the most obvious example I can think of.

Also, I believe that if your spouse dies and has not made a will, you automatically receive their estate regardless whereas an unmarried person would not.

I'm sure there's plenty of other reasons besides these but I'm not going to research them all.

Beruthiel

RuggieBear wrote:

What would those be?

The only one I can think of is, if I were to die, my partner gets charged inheritance tax by our wonderful government even though he's been paying half the mortgage with me. :rolleyes:

Tar.Aldarion

Prospose to him Op.
I really find it hard to believe you have never jokingly talked about marriage even. Within a few weeks of going out jokes have been made in our case.

You want to marry him, ask, but then again you are just a female? Is that it...

Ruu_Old

Sleepy wrote:

Why on earth would you want to waste thirty grand on a single day?

Maybe your boyfriend is happy with your relationship the way it is.

I agree, spending that amount of money is madness but whatever makes the person in question happy I suppose. I don't agree with paying sort of cash at all, invest it in a house or something. Mine cost a little over $3,000 and was the best ever.

LegacyUser

We have honestly never spoken about it and I didn't think that was so unusual until now.
Thanks to everyone for your comments.

Black Swan

Marriage wrote:

I suppose a lot men don't think about these things like women do.

Yes. Women think about it more often, but I would suspect that men think about it, too. Not sure that the "surprise" factor is such a good idea, although fun. To make a life long commitment, you both need to discuss it in depth.

Tar.Aldarion

Men think about it at all?
I'd say we only think about it when we want to do it.
Women think about it so much though...in general.

kittenkiller

Be careful on how you approach things OP.
I can imagine a thread up here next week from your boyfriend asking for help and advice that his girlfriend who has never mentioned marriage before in 4 years is suddenly talking about all these frightening things like weddings, kids & marriage!

You could always bring up the topic of childhood expectations & say, "When I was growning up I always thought I'd be married by now. What age did you think you'd be settling down by?"
Or something.

Best of luck & let us know how it goes.

seamus

After four years, you really want to know his feelings on the subject. What will you do if he tells you he never wants to be married? And you can't really be afraid to talk about it with him - what if spend the next two years waiting for him to propose, and when you finally bring it up, he reveals "Nah, I don't want to be married, see ya later"?