Brother driving me mad

So I am sitting here in tears having had about 4 hours sleep, got to sleep really late because chronic tooth pain was bothering me, and was woken before 8am by my brother playing the electric guitar and TV really really loudly. I have been studying abroad and my mum had warned me he was unbearable, I've only been back 5 days and I'm already at breaking point. He quit college early in the year and spent the rest of the year dossing around the house, he just got a job at weekends and does nothing the rest of the week. He is ignorant and rude to my mum, frequently telling her to f*** off, never cleaning anything and leaving all his dishes for when she comes home from work. He is nearly 20. My younger sister was doing her A levels to get into Cambridge and couldn't study for all the noise and sleep deprivation. My mum was at the point of kicking him out because he disrupts everyone's life so much and acts like it's his right to live here for free but she couldn't do it. The worst thing is the noise, he has always been part deaf and uses a hearing aid, and turns up everything to unbearable volumes despite everyone else not being able to stand it. He has headphones for everything and won't use them. I had ringing in my ears the other day from the music being up so loud. If it's not the TV, it's the guitar or music which he has at full blast. When I ask him to turn it down he just ignores me completely, even today when I was in tears he just sat there with this infuriating passive expression. I have no idea why he insists on doing it.

He's also generally mean and selfish, if I'm watching TV and get up to go to the toilet he changes channel, if I'm on the computer he just closes what I'm doing and takes it over. It's so childish. He leaves his plates on the table, on the floor in the living room, never cleans up after himself. My parents have given up and just put up with it, talking to him makes things even worse. I've been looking for summer jobs to get away from him but haven't found anything so far as I'm just back and will be going again in early September. That seems like years away though now. I live in the middle of nowhere so I'm basically stuck at home all the time without a car. What am I going to do?

up for anything

Get yourself a long stay invite from a friend or do the round staying with each of them a few days at a time.

cance

this is not your place to deal with it, your parents should have nipped this in the bud years ago.

Funnily when i first read this, i thought you may be my sister as she is going through something similar with my little git of a brother.

Tell your parents how you feel, ask them to deal with it and tell them you are at your wits end. Thats all you can do. Its your parents responsibility to provide a healthy and happy living environment.

Your brother sounds like a typical lazy bum, he needs motivation to go out and do something. Be it a kick in the arse from your da or a threat of being kicked out if he doesnt cop on.

my brother is easier to deal with, no money for beer, bus fares or going out = a very well behaved gentleman. until he gets the money.

event

buy a tv channel blocker
place passwords on the pc
tell your mother to refuse to make his meals
stop cleaning his clothes

he sounds spoilt tbh

Beruthiel

He is acting like this because your mother has allowed him to, it would seem she has spoilt him and lets him get away with murder.
There is nothing you can do until she actually confronts this head on and turfs him out of the house if he doesn't stick to the house rules.

He's old enough to be working full time if he's dropped out of college.
If he were my son and did this, I would insist on him getting a full time job and paying rent for the roof over his head, x amount for food and pulling his weight with regards to household chores. If he didn't like my rules he can always move out and take care of himself, like the rest of us had to do at that age.
How else is he supposed to learn how to be an adult if his parents won't teach him?

Yep I totally agree he's been spoiled. The thing is if I try to tell that to my mum it results in a huge fight and her asking what on earth she's supposed to do. I think a lot of it comes from the fact he's slightly handicapped, he's partially deaf, has a spine malformation, basically physically not really normal. For this reason my parents cut him more slack than they would if he were 'normal'. Once my mum lost her temper with him and locked him outside and my dad went mad at her saying he'd get hypothermia cos he's so tiny and thin which caused a fight between them. Same thing when my mum refused to cook for him. They have a crap relationship anyway and he just aggravates things even more. The fear of him getting ill is what makes my mum keep enabling him, she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she kicked him out and he did something stupid.

My parents DID insist on him getting a full time job, which he lasted about 4 weeks at and quit. He then took up a course at a local college which he also quit. These were the conditions of him living at home and he just dropped out of everything when he felt like it. I wouldn't have dared, I would have believed they'd kick me out, but he knows he'll always get away with it. It's all just so unfair because me and especially my little sister are suffering because of him :mad:

Ruu_Old

I think hes old enough to start paying your folks back some rent?:) Suggest that to your Mam and its high time she put her foot down.

Beruthiel

Ellie Wet Beggar wrote:

I think a lot of it comes from the fact he's slightly handicapped, he's partially deaf, has a spine malformation, basically physically not really normal.

So what?
Neither of these things threaten his life or prevent him from taking care of himself and working in the real world. Your parents are using this as a cop out and he is not stupid, he knows this and uses it to his advangage.
Your parents got the son they deserved with regards to how he treats them.
That may sound harsh, but it's also true.
If you can move out of the house, do it, because if they continue as they are nothing will change.

Marksie

Basically i agree with the others posters.

But could it also be an issue with jealousy? A sister in cambridge university, you studying abroad?
perhaps there is something deeper than just being spoilt and lazy?

Had another word with my mum and the thing is, she has already tried everything. Turns out she did kick him out once and he broke in through the window. She doesn't want to get the police involved because she had the same situation with her brother when she was young, my grandmother kicked him out and he couldn't cope and ended up on drugs (he was bipolar, and we think my brother may be mentally ill as well). My mum has always gone on and on at my brother, they have always reminded him they don't have to look out for him, they aren't even nice to him but it never sinks in for some reason. I think he has a screw loose somewhere. He thinks it's his right to have everything provided for him despite being constantly told otherwise and none of his mates are like him. The thing is he just isn't normal - most people would feel guilty about doing what he does but he just doesn't care. I've always been responsible and helpful by nature, my mum never knew how easy she had it with me and expected my siblings to be the same.

He definitely has some kind of issue. He's really bitter about the fact we moved to Ireland, and we keep telling him if he doesn't like it he's free to leave. He moans that where we live is boring and despises my parents. He's such a bitter person. When I was going off at him today about the noise he said I "deserved it", even though I did nothing to him. It's like he thinks everyone's out to get him, a victim mentality or something. It's really bizarre. I think he's jealous as well but I'm not sure why, he could have gone to Cambridge or studied abroad if he wasn't so lazy. He brings it all on himself. He acts like my sister and I are the spoiled ones when in reality he went to a top uni in England, lasted a few days and quit, leaving my parents to pay a terms worth of accommodation and waste money on a ticket to get him home. He wastes every opportunity he ever has, I just don't understand him at all.

Stark

He's acting like a stereotypical troubled teenager. Not surprising since your parents haven't given him the kick he needs to progress to adulthood.

IzzyWhizzy wrote:

The thing is he just isn't normal - most people would feel guilty about doing what he does but he just doesn't care.

He could be more "normal" than you think. There are plenty of people out there with selfish/lazy streaks but they function normally simply because they have to. Little things like need for food and shelter can be great motivators.

Bipolar disorder is a serious diagnosis, don't go jumping to that conclusion unless you have good reason to believe so. Acting like a spoilt child is not a steadfast indicator.

IzzyWhizzy wrote:

It's like he thinks everyone's out to get him, a victim mentality or something. It's really bizarre.

He's guilt tripping you.

IzzyWhizzy wrote:

Turns out she did kick him out once and he broke in through the window. She doesn't want to get the police involved

She should get the police involved. Hopefully they might just have a "chat" with him thus letting him know in no uncertain terms that your mother is no longer prepared to be a doormat. It might be just the kick he needs. And don't bother about that "physically handicapped" crap, if he's able to break in through a window, he's not physically handicapped enough to need people acting the servant around him.

Yes a talk with the police might be a good idea. I'd have called them when he broke in personally. Another reason I say he isn't normal, and not just lazy, is that he's really, really bitter and spiteful, and gets revenge. I'd be scared to kick him out in case he burned the house down or something. While I don't see him doing that, he is totally unpredictable. When we used to get told off or punished when we were little he'd put sharp objects in my parents bed to hurt them or leave pins on people's chairs for perceived injustices. He seriously injured a good friend when he was 10 by messing with his bike so it would break while he was on it. The kid needed about 30 stitches to the head and my brother didn't seem to care. I have a bad temper alright but I've never even considered physically hurting someone like that and not in such a premeditated way. It doesn't seem very normal to me, but I've never had many male friends TBH.

Dudess

If he misses England, what about organising something for him to do over there?

He went there for university......and came back. Just don't get it.

Dudess

Yeah, it obviously goes a tad deeper than missing England. It seems more serious than the usual "moody teen" syndrome. Maybe he needs to see someone - a doctor or psychologist. But if your mum mentioned that, he'd go through the roof no doubt.

LegacyUser

Ok, this might sound a little extreme, but it is a possibility. Your brother sounds alot like a younger brother of mine who displayed similar characteristics a number of years ago, at about the same age. At first we thought it was laziness, bad manners, etc etc...but many of the things were indicative of a deeper problem. My brother ended up in psychiatric care twice...for periods in excess of two months; lack of motivation, excessive sleeping, or not sleeping at all, gradual social self-exclusion, depreciation in emotional sensitivity etc etc can all be early indicators of mental illness. In my brothers case it was a kind of schizo-effective disorder.

Unfortuneatly getting the police involved can only really occur once a crisis occurs ie someone is attacked. So I would advise against that. Unfortuneatly it can be very difficult to get help for someone. But a good starting point for advise might be somewhere like the Lucia Foundation www.sirl.ie.

Hopefully it is not indicative of the onset of mental illness but if it is the absolute best thing you can do is get help quick...the earlier the better.
Best of luck - whatever you decide to do I would do it NOW.

theTinker

At first i just assumed he was a ****head izzy but ur other posts do start to paint a bit more of a physco picture. I would suggest he needs counselling but if he is that much of a problem regularly he probably wouldnt go to it. would your parents be able to introduce a "go to counseling or get out feature?". its not a quick solution but there must be sumthing up his ass if he is such a pain. i dont mean to scare u but sumthing could of happen to him as a kid that u or ur parents dont know about. just a possibity, unlikely though.


if he cant behave after trying to help him ur family has no choice as far as i see it but to cut him lose. if he breaks in, call the police etc, the usual unpleasant stuff. maybe when he learns he has to work to feed himself then he learn sum more respect for others (other-wise he wont be eating)?

i feel great empathy for you. living with sum1 like that must make 30 seconds after waking up difficult till u fall asleep which i doubt feels very restful.

edit: he could live with ur parents as long as he goes to counseling? obviously u would need to have a timeline but he doesnt need to know it.

Kur4mA

Treat him as he treats others until he wakes up. Take away his privileges while he is living under a roof which is not his. Also, confiscate anything which he gains enjoyment from including, but not limited to the following :

No more cooked meals.
No more washing done for him.
No more loans(money or otherwise).
The TV/computer.
His guitar.

It sounds to me like this lad needs both a quick dose of cop on, and the help of a counsillor.

LegacyUser

My younger brother often behaves in a similar way. He was diagnosed with a mild form of Aspergers Syndrome in his early teens. (not suggesting your brother has this too, just want to state the facts about my brother before I speak about him!)

He left school at 16 (though he's highly intelligent with near genius IQ) and since then has lived largely off my parents.

He too seems to lack feelings of guilt/remorse about any of his actions, refuses to work, is often abusive to my parents and I, and generally behaves like the world owes him something.

I don't really have any advice for you to improve the situation, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Throughout my years at school and college his behaviour was a nightmare and the noise he made made studying/sleep a impossible. Things improved when I moved out in my 4th year of college but coming home during the holidays remained difficult. At these times he would claim that all the arguments and rows in the house were my fault as they didn't occur when I was away. I tried to point out to him that maybe there were more rows because he picked rows with me when I was there but couldn't when I wasn't there but he of course denied this. My parent's policy of giving in for a quiet life means a)he's correct in saying that there were no arguments when I wasn't there and b)my parents think I too should just give in so I got little support there.

Not that I can completely blame my parents or think its probably your parents' fault either. It's a difficult situation and it's not like I have any real solutions for them. My parents are also afraid of what would happen to him if they kicked him out. And I have to admit that I too would fear for him, even though it would make all our lives easier.

I don't think there's an easy solution but hang in there! At least you have your return to college to look forward to!

God that last reply could have been me. He DOES say there are no arguments when I'm not around cos the others give him an easy life. He calls me a 'lodger' and says I don't live here, because I normally live away at college and therefore in his logic he can treat me however he wants and hog the TV/computer/whatever. I don't know how he can't see that I'm a full time student who works during the term and normally works during the summer whereas he does nothing. I've given up talking to my mum about it, we just had a huge fight, as always she got defensive and ended up attacking me, saying I'm spoiled and lazy and never help her (not true). Basically my mum is already stressed with work and what not and doesn't need the extra stress of worrying about my brother so she just ignores it. It's nice to see someone else in the exact same position. It is possible my brother has Aspergers as well, I don't know too much about it but he is also highly intelligent (but lazy and unmotivated) The thing is, he can be pleasant and sociable when he wants to (usually when he wants something) and charm his way into getting what he wants, not sure if that's characteristic. My mum kept telling me he missed me when I was away, when I would call home I sometimes talked to him for 2 or 3 hours, he was really happy to see me when I came back, yet one day later he was treating me like crap. It's always "something I've done", such as being too busy to chat to him (I was on the internet writing an important email) or asking him to wash the dishes. In his mind this constitutes an attack, and his subsequent behavior is my punishment. He does this to my parents also. They do so much for him and if they dare to criticize him in any way he tells them to go to hell. On one rare occasion when he was helping me make the dinner I wouldn't put something in a pan exactly when he wanted so he just walked off leaving me to do it alone. It must be some kind of disorder.

bassist

sounds like he needs a bird

theTinker

bassist wrote:

sounds like he needs a bird

i would feel guilty about inflicting him on another, but maybe even this might teach him he wil lose people if he keeps acting this way.

Keano

Sorry now to be the one but sometimes you have to be nasty to your fellow beings or family members! A little word in his ear that now your home things are going to change... Electric guitar could go missing as well and a little I'll keep it down will get it back for him. Honestly just take control again. Your parents are probably at their wits end with him.

TALK TO HIM AND MAKE HIM LISTEN

Belle_Morte

event wrote:

buy a tv channel blocker
place passwords on the pc
tell your mother to refuse to make his meals
stop cleaning his clothes

he sounds spoilt tbh

Easier said than done if you're a sibling and not a parent, especially if the parents are the 'anything for a quiet life' type. You could well find yourself in the middle of a pretty unpleasant situation.

I used to have a similar situation with my own family, and found that I would normally be the one who ended up in trouble for rocking the boat moreso than the aggravating little turd who made it his life's work to make everyone else's life hell :rolleyes:

I don't think you personally can fix this situation; it's down to your parents, and if they can't/won't take matters into their own hands then the best thing you can do is rise above it and spend as much time away from the situation as you can. Good luck.

Vegeta

your bro has a problem alright he is a p.r.i.c.k

usually when my brothers went playing music really loud or something like that i'd turn off the power to the whole house and go back to sleep. Keep the circuit breakers in a pad locked box, you have the only key. Silent bliss.

if he thinks its ok to wake the whole house just so he can play the guitar (electric i guess), then you can turn off all the power just so you can sleep.

in these situations you have a few options

ignore it (not going ot happen)
rise above it (move out, ask your parents to get him help etc) (not going to happen as parents are afraid of him :rolleyes: )
lower yourself to his level (turn off power, make his life just as miserable as every body elses, mimic him in every situation, purposefully do the things he hates)

Generally i lower myself to their level as I am better at it than they are and it gives me great satisfacton.

Look forget your parents they are lost. You cannot continue to live in that house. So you tell them they will lose a son and a daughter if they don't stand up to your bro. I hardly see you and your sis calling round in a few years if that tool is still living there.