Devestated

DarkJager

I'm goin to try and keep this short because today has just been the most miserable of my life so far. A few months ago I began hanging around with a few new people and took a keen interest in one of the girls. Myself and her became very close friends and a number of weeks ago i began picking up hints that she possibly wanted to move on to something more intimate than friendship.
To be honest I fell in love with her the moment I saw her all those months ago but I waited until I had gotten to know her better, and we built a trusting friendship up. I spoke with her friend a few days ago who told me she had been talking to her the previous night and was told she was mad about me as well. I was ecstatic to say the least because I have never felt something like this for any woman.
Anyway, last night we all went out and I had a fair amount to drink. I chatted to her in the club and once it was finished she went home and i went off to a house party. With the amount of drink in me, I finally picked up the courage to ask her out and sent her a text. I waited for her response, hoping that at last I was going to get with this girl who I have such strong feelings for. What I got back has nearly put me on the verge of suicide.
She gave me the usual "we're too good friends, lets not complicate things". It ,may sound weird to yea but I am absolutely devastated over this. I have done nothing but break down in tears all day long, and just can't stand the thought of bein friends with her anymore. She has texted me today asking whats wrong with me but I haven't replied. It will do no good. I love her to bits and just to know that we will never be more than friends is killing me. Any ideas on how I can move on from this, because I just can't see it?

Doctor DooM

Sorry sounds like your friend is playing cupid.

I think you are possibly quite young. You never went out with ehr and have only known her for a few months... you are devastated over something which could have petered out over a year.

Seriously man, nothing to do but build a bridge and get over it... rejection is rough but she owes you nothing sadly.

Ruu_Old

Sorry to hear that you were turned down, OP. I'm going to use the old time is a healer thing here as I went through the same thing and it tore my heart out also. I took sometime for us to get back to normal and restore the friendship we had. You are going to feel sick for a while but stay strong, you don't want to lose her as a friend do you?

Sleepy

Think of all the worse things that could have happened. Getting a knock-back from a girl isn't anything near it.

DarkJager

Just in realtion to my age, I'm 20 years old. Its not a case of just getting knocked back by her. I probably didn't describe it well enough above but I would do anything for this girl. I have never ever felt this way about any woman I've known before. I spent all these months hoping that the way our friendship was going that maybe at last I had actually met "that" someone. I can safely say, without fear, that I would be more than happy to spend my life with her. Call it loveblind but thats my gut reaction. Shes tried to call me a few minutes ago but I'm too choked over this to even talk to her at the moment. I don't know if its pain or anger I'm feeling at the moment, and I know she doesn't owe me anything, but she must have known all along how I feel about her.

GretchenWieners

ok basically send her a text and just pretend you didn't have your phone with you, even though you're devastated you really need to stay strong and the feeling you have I wouldn't even wish on my own worst enemy!! but it happens i guess, these things take time, keep a smile on your face and try and distract yourself a bit!

GrumPy

You said she was mad about you, but maybe you freaked her out by getting off yer face hammered, and texting her your feelings. You should have been sober, and had a chat, rather than a drunken txt.

Doctor DooM

yeah but man you see all thats happened is that you got knocked back by a girl, no matter what is going on in your head... and believe me, it could easily be the first she's heard of it, your mutual friend could have just been playing cupid.

Take it easy and when you find someone you'll realise this isnt so bad. But until then keep yourself busy and time will heal.

LegacyUser

You're just suffering from infatuation. Keep your head up and move on.

gubby

Hey hey its not over till the fat lady sings.. she may just want to take it slowly.. or not appeared too egar.. ever heard of playing hard to get? keep what you have at the moment mate. if you get a chance to talk to her alone. sober. just explaine that you though that ye would be good together.. no pressure. dont give up after one setback. god love you. stay strong

LegacyUser

I'm going through a similar thing at the moment so understand how you're feeling (though I can't say I've broken down to tears but theres nothing wrong with you having done so).
Have the same feelings as yourself for this girl, would do anything for her, first time I've experienced the feelings and I think that makes it particularly hard as you, nor I know how to deal with them as we haven't had to in the past.
I haven't a clue what I'm feeling right now, don't even know what to think or what to do. But ya know, we're not the first people to go through it and we're most certainly not going to be the last, I'm sure everyone has at some point and it's worked out for them so I guess the only thing I can say right now is try to think positively and maybe do something to get your mind off everything right now.
If you want someone to talk to about it then let me know and I'll drop you a PM from my boards account.

Chinafoot

One question...did you build a friendship with her with the sole intention of wanting to eventually start a relationship?

If you didn't, and you really value your friendship with this girl, then you need to pull yourself together and get on with things or else you will lose her.

If you did, and it kinda sounds that way as you said she must have known all along how you feel, then I'm sorry mate but some girls can find this a bit upsetting. I've seen it with friends of mine. They become really good friends with a guy and think they have a fantastic friendship and then the guy makes a move and they find out that the whole reason behind the friendship was to eventually get with the girl...obviously that doesn't happen in every case but the girl can sometimes feel quite hurt, even a little betrayed, for want of a better word.

Yes you're hurt - rejection is never nice for anyone. However, if you don't sort it out and try and have a chat with this girl then it's possible that she'll think you only became her friend in the hopes of getting with her.

Try and see it from her point of view. Maybe she does like you but maybe she just really values your friendship and doesnt want to risk losing that. It can be a big step going from friends to something more and often friendships can get ruined and lost along the way.

Suck it up and talk to her. If you don't you'll lose her completely.

Chucky the tree

what excactly did the text say? " i jst want teeel you i tnihk you rdie"?

Maybe the fact you were drunk was the problem. She culd of thought you didnt really mean it so instead of her saying she felt the same but then finding out you were so drunk you dont even remeber saying it the next day and completely embaressing(sp) her. Next time answer the phone and just tell her how you feel. And see what happens.

Dont act like a moany twat and get all pissed off with her. Also dont get act desperate, big turn off. Just take it on the chin and decide what to do from there.

ron.dolan

Mate, if its any consolation, I might be about to make a huge idiot of myself in a similar way. Its hard to hear it now, but it gets better? Dont shut her off though, she may just be freaked out but undecided. Ring her up or meet up with her and tell her frankly that you like her a lot and would like to see if she felt the same, but if not then thats cool. She may just be a little cautious, it does happen.

Oh and have a chat with that 'friend' who gave you the bum steer, I wouldnt be overly impressed with that sort of person in my corner?

DarkJager

Thanks for all the replies guys. I met up with her today and we talked for a while. She seemed shocked that I felt so strongly for her. She said she does like me as well but we are too good friends and if the relationship didn't work it would ruin everything. I told her I was more than willing to take that chance but she said she wasn't. I got a bit irritated by this and I asked her why she wouldn't think we could make it work. Here's a twist for you: Her friend likes me and told her if she met me before her friend did, she'd never speak to her again, so theres no way we can meet.


Needless to say I got up and walked away without saying another word to her. What the fvck is wrong with women these days? I can't understand this and this pain I was feeling has turned more into hatred for the both of them than anything else. Her friend makes me sick just even thinking about her. I actually feel like killing myself. This is absolutely ridiculous...

Chinafoot

You're right, it is ridiculous. So stop wallowing and try and see it from her perspective.

She knows you like her, she says she likes you too but she's not prepared to risk the friendship. Add to this the fact that her friend likes you too. She knows that she'll hurt her friend if anything happens between you. From this girl's point of view it seems that the odds are against it and as such she'd rather keep both of her friendships instead of risking losing both.

For you to get angry with her is very unfair. She sounds like she's in a tough position and you should cut her some slack.

I don't mean to be blunt but you sound waaay too needy and intense. You've known her for a few months and you feel like killing yourself because she wants to just stay friends?! You sound emotionally immature and if it comes across to people here chances are the girl is aware of it too.

She's already got reservations about starting anything with you beyond friendship and on top of that she would run the risk of losing her other friend. Sounds like she realised it might not be worth it.

Take a look around you and get some persepective. You should count yourself lucky if this is the worst of your problems.

DarkJager

I'm not emotionally immature and i have never felt anything like this before. I suppose its my own fault for getting so close to her without testing the waters first. Stupid me. I can see from her viewpoint that she doesn't want to ruin either friendship, but would you honestly stand someone who was putting ultimatums on your friendship over a possible love interest? I texted her friend a while ago and laid it down in no uncertain terms that I do not and will not fancy her at any stage and there is no way in hell I would put my lips near her. I also texted my "interest" and basically told her that at some stage in her life, she needs to snap out of being held back by this childish "if you do this, I'll do that" friend of hers and make up her mind whether she wants a relationship or her pal laying down catch 22s like this. I might sound needy to you, but I didn't ask you to psychologically evaluate me, I asked for opinions on this issue.

secret_squirrel

DarkJager wrote:

I'm not emotionally immature and i have never felt anything like this before.

Sorry but thats exactly how your are coming across. Walking away was just a childish trantrum.

You've got a massive crush on this girl and thats all.

You've built up this whole fantasy about her and now its come crashing down. Thats what hurts so much. Welcome to reality.

Right now you're probably not even the mood to read these replies objectively but soon enough you'll look back on this with a rueful laugh.

Lets face it - if the girl meant as much to you as you think she does you wouldnt have jeopardised your friendship by acting in such a selfish childish way.

If it helps at all - we've all been there.:)

DarkJager

I love her to bits, which I agree is stupid for only knowing her a few months, but thats how it is. I don't feel I've acted selfishly or childishly through any of this, whats most childish is that she is actually more concerned about her friend than about me. And because her friend knows now that she will never meet me, this girl has put everything in a dead end.

I'm sorry if I come across as being weird or selfish about anything in these posts, but its actually impossible to describe how fvcked over I feel in all of this.

secret_squirrel

DarkJager wrote:

I'm sorry if I come across as being weird or selfish about anything in these posts, but its actually impossible to describe how fvcked over I feel in all of this.

Whenever something like this happens you're always convinced no-one else could have felt such pain before.

Trouble is I guarantee you 90% of the people reading this thread have been in as much pain or in very similar situations. Sadly you'll probably experience much worse at some point too.

Melodrama is something we tend to grow out of as we get older, dont beat yourself up about it now, but try to realise at least intellectually that all your pain is as a result of building a fantasy in your head, and it will fade with time.

DarkJager

Any tips on how to ease it for the moment? I know people have been through probably much worse, but to me at the moment, this is like a knife through the heart. I've lost all of my confidence and just don't even want to be around a girl of any sort at the moment.. I hate to be melodramtic, and to most of you I'm prob over blowing this completely but I feel shattered at the moment. Shes all thats on my mind...

Chinafoot

DarkJager wrote:

whats most childish is that she is actually more concerned about her friend than about me.

Are you for real!? I'm sorry but you've known her for a few months. Has it even dawned on you that perhaps this girl is closer to her female friend than she is to you? Of course she's putting her feelings first. Why would she risk losing a friend for a relationship that she's clearly not too sure about starting?

DarkJager wrote:

I might sound needy to you, but I didn't ask you to psychologically evaluate me, I asked for opinions on this issue.

And my advice is stop being so needy and intense. Stop wallowing in self pity. Open your eyes and realise that you are going to lose the chance of maintaining your friendship with this girl unless you grow up.

How do you feel fúcked over? Who has fúcked you over? Her friend? Thats ridiculous. She can't help how she feels about you. I'm sure if your "interest" was really into you then herself and her mate would sort it out and things could happen.

Bottom line, she's not interested in anything beyond friendship and she's told you as much. Accept it and move on.

DarkJager wrote:

Shes all thats on my mind...

Go out with your other friends and stop dwelling on it. Like the others have said, you have built up a fantasy in your head and you've been given a smack back to reality. Keep your mind occupied with other things. You could even have a read through some of the more serious threads (no offence) on the foum and gain some perspective and realise that life isn't as bad as you seem to think it is right now.

dar83

DarkJager wrote:

I love her to bits, which I agree is stupid for only knowing her a few months, but thats how it is. I don't feel I've acted selfishly or childishly through any of this, whats most childish is that she is actually more concerned about her friend than about me. And because her friend knows now that she will never meet me, this girl has put everything in a dead end.

Friends will always come before a boy/girl, especially if the friendship has been longer than "a few months". Would you be happy if you were in the situation the girl who you will "never fancy" is in? What if one of your mates liked the girl you "love" and she felt the same way? Would you be the bigger man and allow him to start seeing her?

Your texts that you say you've sent are incredibly childish, so there's that defence out the window. All you have succeeded so far is probably showing these girls that they're better off without you altogether and not even remain friends with you. To be honest thats the exact advice I'd give you as well, end all contact with these girls, especially the one you have the feelings for. Get over her and move on, the best way to do that is cold turkey.

DarkJager

I suppose I'll just give up all together. There's no point in fighting a losing battle like this, she obviously hasn't got the balls to stand up to her friend. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, I'm so hurt at the moment I just don't care about anything else. Thanks for the replies lads. Feel free to close the thread.

The Corinthian

DarkJager wrote:

Needless to say I got up and walked away without saying another word to her. What the fvck is wrong with women these days? I can't understand this and this pain I was feeling has turned more into hatred for the both of them than anything else.

She does not fancy you and has genuinely been very nice about it. Deal with it - it won't be the last time you'll get rejected. If I meet, or see, a woman I fancy, I’ll ask her out. If she turns me down, then no worries; plenty more out there.

Her friend makes me sick just even thinking about her. I actually feel like killing myself. This is absolutely ridiculous...

Well, apparently her friend is as good as you can presently aim for. Not wanting to be cruel about it, but you’re not Johnny Depp, you’re some guy who needs to get rat arsed before he can text a woman, let alone talk to her. My guess is that the woman you fancy is out of your league and the one who’s taken an interest in you is more in keeping with what you can realistically expect.

My advice, you’re allegedly a man, so get over it. If you are genuinely suicidal every time a pretty girl turns you down, you’ll be dead within a few years at this rate. If you’re not, you’re acting in a remarkably immature fashion.

If you’re not happy about the type of girl that will go for you, then that’s your problem and one you can, to some extent at least, fix. Change the way you dress, exercise, learns not to depend on alcohol and learn to flirt and be more outgoing. Above all stop thinking that ‘being her friend first’ is in some way the road to making her more than that - it doesn’t work and it’s frankly just creepy.

In short, deal with it and do something about your chances the next time.

Sony

Dark

Its cruel and along with a lot of people reading these posts I know just how cruel being in love can be sometimes:rolleyes:

Theres nothing anyone can really say to make you feel any better but you're not alone with this - most of us have been there at some point - head up mate

The Corinthian wrote:

She does not fancy you and has genuinely been very nice about it. Deal with it - it won't be the last time you'll get rejected. If I meet, or see, a woman I fancy, I’ll ask her out. If she turns me down, then no worries; plenty more out there.

Well, apparently her friend is as good as you can presently aim for. Not wanting to be cruel about it, but you’re not Johnny Depp, you’re some guy who needs to get rat arsed before he can text a woman, let alone talk to her. My guess is that the woman you fancy is out of your league and the one who’s taken an interest in you is more in keeping with what you can realistically expect.

My advice, you’re allegedly a man, so get over it. If you are genuinely suicidal every time a pretty girl turns you down, you’ll be dead within a few years at this rate. If you’re not, you’re acting in a remarkably immature fashion.

If you’re not happy about the type of girl that will go for you, then that’s your problem and one you can, to some extent at least, fix. Change the way you dress, exercise, learns not to depend on alcohol and learn to flirt and be more outgoing. Above all stop thinking that ‘being her friend first’ is in some way the road to making her more than that - it doesn’t work and it’s frankly just creepy.

In short, deal with it and do something about your chances the next time.

Jesus that was harsh

LegacyUser

Agree with you Sony, that was a bit too much Corinthian.

Kur4mA

I don't want to sound harsh, but this is the way of the world.

You are young, and as you've said this is the first time you have really fallen for a girl, but believe me there's a good chance that this will happen again. Don't fret man, you'll most likely have many relationships with many women and will definitely find one that returns those feelings.

Black Swan

With all that has happened up to this point, I would think that it's over. You need to grieve, recover, and move on. Sorry. This is sad.:(

The Corinthian

beentherecuz06 and Sony - I appreciate that you both thought my approach too harsh, but in reality sometimes a ‘slap in the face’ is the best way to get people to get a hold on themselves.

We could be kind, empathic and tiptoe around the issues, but where would that leave DarkJager? Feeling slightly better until the next time he makes the same mistakes and gets rejected for the same reasons. Does he hear the advice you’re trying to convey while being kind? Not really, he’s looking for sympathy, not advice after all, so none of it will actually stick.

So to do this we must convey the message in such a way that it will sting enough for him to take notice over all his self-pity. It might seem harsh, but he won’t break if we do so and if he acts positively and proactively as a result, rather than continue his martyrdom, he’ll be better off for it in the long term.

Kell

DarkJager wrote:

Just in realtion to my age, I'm 20 years old. I have never ever felt this way about any woman I've known before.

Snow Patrol, Spitting Games- "And then the floodgates opened up, an I fell in love with everyone I saw".

Its an age thing. You'll get over it.

Listen to the song and laugh at yourself for building yourself up so much.

K-

PS- TC has many good points, especially "getting friends with someone as a pre-cursor to getting jiggy". It doesnt work, and its creepy. If you want to get jiggy with someone, let them know from the off. Not six months on where you get your face slapped for dropping the hand.

#Smokey#

you'll get over it man everyone has a bit of infatuation which they think is love.time heals all wounds man.but if you're REALLY interested you could try talk to her face to face about how you feel and not texting her

MonkeyWrench

The Corinthian wrote:

beentherecuz06 and Sony - I appreciate that you both thought my approach too harsh, but in reality sometimes a ‘slap in the face’ is the best way to get people to get a hold on themselves.

We could be kind, empathic and tiptoe around the issues, but where would that leave DarkJager? Feeling slightly better until the next time he makes the same mistakes and gets rejected for the same reasons. Does he hear the advice you’re trying to convey while being kind? Not really, he’s looking for sympathy, not advice after all, so none of it will actually stick.

So to do this we must convey the message in such a way that it will sting enough for him to take notice over all his self-pity. It might seem harsh, but he won’t break if we do so and if he acts positively and proactively as a result, rather than continue his martyrdom, he’ll be better off for it in the long term.

I agree with you on this one. OP - you need to toughen up a bit to the world around you. If someone doesn't fancy you, well then grieve for a day or two and get on with your life. there are plenty of fish in the sea and the next time around you will fall flat on your face again unless you pull up your socks and become more confident in yourself, you will only become this way by gaining from these experiences and building a tougher skin. I was suprised when I heard your age at 20, I was expecting more like 14 or so. You sound like a decent guy who just got hurt though, so best of luck in the future.