zero confidance, help?

im_invisible

[edit]ok people, just to clear up a few things,
i can talk to girls all day and all night, but it never enters my head to even suggest going dancing / somewhere else / giving her my number / trying for a kiss, im just happy enough going along with whatevers happening, (and at the end of the night, when she says 'maybe ill get a taxi home so...' it never enters my head that she might want me to invite her back to mine, or whatever, or if she is going to a club, i never invite myself along aswell, i just assume that whatever she says, is what she wants, and if she wanted my number, or whatever, shed ask for it)
* * * *

i couldnt be bothered writing out a long message, with all the problems of my life, just want some tips on getting confidance around girls, (tips from girls most appreciated, tips from guys who know how also appreciated).
i can talk to girls, no problem, (well, with a bit of vodka and redbull inside me) i just dont have the confidance to make a move, to hold her hand and bring her to the dancefloor, to say 'get your coat, youve pulled', and all that goes after that, unless ive got copious amounts of beer / redbull / ecstasy inside my system, and even then, it seems to be her that makes all the effort, and i just go along with it

minus 5 points for 'unhelpful comments' eg. 'dont worry, it will happen', 'just be your self', 'just go for it, what have you got to lose', etc. etc. minus 20 points to anyone who says 'keep off the drink / drugs...' 500 bonus points for the first person who comes up with a genuinely helpful comment, that is all

ps. the one thing that would boost my confidance, is a night of crazy sex with a beautiful girl, but hows that going to happen, unless i get off my face??

turbot

Maybe you should read "The Game" by Neil Strauss

im_invisible

was actually going to get that for christmas, is it any good? i dont want to be a 'pick up artist' all i want is a little bit of confidance

ps. ive tried coke, got nothing from it over here, went to gran canaria for a week, got talking to a girl for about 5 hours from 5am to 10 am, still had no confidance to make any kind of move, then went paranoid outa my brain on it...

minus 20 points if you use this against me

GreenDoor

Confidence starts from what you say/think to yourself. I bet you always think of a negitive outcome of any situation.

Think positively about everyone and everything and you will get into the habit of thinking positive after some time trying. You will then attract luck and confidence etc. Give it a go the next time your out anywhere. Be like a third person and listen to what you say/think to yourself and change it from negative to positive. I promise you you'll be amazed!

OrangeOranges

Talking in "points" is probably gonna scare most women away mate!

Strokesfan

I'm a girl and I think you should just risk making the fecking move - you're holding back cos of your confidence but if you don't do it - your confidence won't grow. What's the worst that can happen? You probably don't even see some of these girls ever again anyway. There is obviously no miracle formula for you to pull. Just go out or whatever, be flirty, don't be desparado, later in the night make your move if you think you're getting the vibes. I'm not sure all the ecstasy /coke will help unless they're out of their brains too? dunno just my opinion

Strokesfan

OrangeOranges wrote:

Talking in "points" is probably gonna scare most women away mate!

That's hilarious ROFL

Medina

Hey,
First off I'm a girl. Secondly, your message is a bit tongue in cheek, I couldn't help cringing about the 'night of crazy sex' thing but I do understand where you're coming from.


Ok
Here's some information that might help:
No 1. Confidence (not arrogance) is the number one most sexy thing in the world regardless of height, weight, etc etc. Confidence is what helps you do a lot of things, and those are the things that girls will love. So believe that you're a nice guy, you seem to be, your post was kinda sweet:)


No 2. Decide what kind of girl YOU want. Remember some are loud/quiet/flashy/casual/shy/ etc. Ultimately you should have an idea what you're looking for, don't accept just anyone who happens to take an interest in you. (Remember that making a choice for yourself here is a confident choice).

No 3. When you've decided on No 2 you now have the problem of being able to find a girl and getting to know her to see if she's your type because you find it difficult to talk to a girl. Most girls don't like a cheesy one liner, or some guy coming over going 'Hi!' and then just standing there.. My advice would be to get talking to someone while they are ordering their drinks at the bar..I know its difficult to talk to one individual when there's a pack of girls and you don't want to make an arse of yourself. I always find the regular 'hey how's it going?' in a normal way the simplest and most effective way to start talking to a girl. Just while you're psyching yourself, think of her as someone you work with that you see everyday.


No 4. If you manage to get an answer out of her from No 3, then she's in the same boat as you, wondering what your like, and to be honest mostly expecting you to be an idiot. If she doesn't answer just let it go, Win some lose some, even girls get that sometimes. Thats why girls can be very sarcastic . So just say something along the lines of ' Are you having a good time? ' followed by a compliment of 'You look great, your hair is lovely' and you should be able to get her to start talking from there.


No 5. Ask lots of nice normal questions and don't come on too strong. If she asks you questions, don't just give a one word answer, give an answer that lets her know something about you and end it with another question. Like, Yeah I love this song too, I love RnB (or whatever), did you go to the xyz festival?...I didn't but I would have loved to have been there..

No 6. If you want to dance just say 'Do you wanna dance?' not something corny. If she says yes then take her hand, kind of shyly...girls love a nice guy

No 7. Buy her a drink, but don't act like you're doing her a huge favour and don't buy one for all her friends, its nice but it looks a bit desperate. Save it until you know them

No 8 Don't go near a girl for the first time when you're plastered. You'll only make an idiot of yourself and get rejected and that will knock your confidence.


If you want to ask me any questions, I'll do my best to respond...or if you want to PM me thats grand..really there's nothing to be worried about

Oh and I forgot, give her a lovely smile, as if she just gave you a great gift..If she can see the smile in your eyes, you'll get a smile back!

Kell

Medina wrote:

I know its difficult to talk to one individual when there's a pack of girls and you don't want to make an arse of yourself.

No, no its not.

Step 1- Get to pub early
Step 2- Sit at bar
Step 3- Talk to girls as they lean over you to get drinks (they will as the place gets busy)
Step 4- Dont get too drunk
Step 5- Gather numbers
Step 6- Make phone calls

Easy.

As for points and telling people what not to say to you etc- TBH, what woman would want to get to know you, confident or not?

FFS.

K-

im_invisible

Kell wrote:

As for points and telling people what not to say to you etc- TBH, what woman would want to get to know you, confident or not?

FFS.

K-

fair enough, but i just didnt want to be reading through 50 different posts, all saying basically the same thing, none of which would be any help at all, (ive been lurking around PI long enough to know how it goes)

so, i drink, and take drugs, so what, ive no confidance anyway, so why not??

******
sit at the bar, so that girls have to lean over me to get served?? thats not my style.

im_invisible

*seriously, my 14 year old brother has more of a clue than me, he's cool, i wanna be him

Medina wrote:

...cringing about the 'night of crazy sex' thing

yeah, what i meant to say was, 'a night of crazy sex with a girl that i get on with, that i think likes me,' any girl like that is beautiful to me, (unless shes seriously ugly ;o) (this is me, i dont do serious, i do whatever this is, tongue in cheek??)

Medina wrote:

No 1. Confidence is the number one most sexy thing

yeah, i know

Medina wrote:

So believe that you're a nice guy, you seem to be, your post was kinda sweet:)

'oh, thats so sweet, your such a nice guy' YEAH, BUT WOULD YOU FCUK ME??? *i do evil aswell, sorry

but seriously, talking to this girl for about 5 and a half hours, d'you know what we were talking about? the best ways to chat up girls, no, seriously, i was asking for tips, and she was asking me what i usually do, and saying i was so sweet/ whatever. you'd think after 5 hours shed get the message that if anything was going to happen, she was the one who would have to do something about it, no chance....

numbers 2 to 5, cool

Medina wrote:

No 6. ..take her hand, kind of shyly...girls love a nice guy
No 7. Buy her a drink,

absolutly no confidance, when i left this girl, even arranging to meet up again was a bit french connectioned, i just said 'ill be around this area again tomorrow night, might see you then'

Medina wrote:

No 8 Don't go near a girl for the first time when you're plastered.

hey, that seems to be the only way it works for me, i probably do make a fool of myself sometimes, but its usually 'get myself drunk enough so that some girl can take advantage...'

i dont know about the smile, if im getting any kinda vibe off her i probably will, but its always gotta be the girl that makes the first move, makes the second, third, fourth, moves.

GREENDOOR:- i dont think its that i think positive or negative (although i do think negativly, a lot) its just that i go with the flow, whatevers happening is whats happening, and im happy with that at the time, using this random girl as an example again, it never entered my head to say to her, 'listen, ive got a room only 5 minuites down the road' or something like that, when im talking to girls, im happy enough talking to them, i dont even think of asking them to dance, or head to a club, or whatever, (if thier glass is empty ill buy them a drink, but thats only manners...)

neagh, who knows, who cares

Dinxminx

im_invisible wrote:

so, i drink, and take drugs, so what, ive no confidance anyway, so why not??[/QUOTE]

...and THAT just makes you sound like an idiot. Mr Invisible, you get MINUS 50 POINTS (seeing as they're so precious to you) for coming across as a self-pitying, petulant child.

AngryBadger

goddam you people.

THERE IS NO SURE FIRE WAY TO TALK A WOMAN INTO BED ASIDE FROM GETTING OFF YOUR FACE AND MOLESTING THE NEAREST YOKE

There's a small minority of people on the planet who will happily engage in playful banter, or indeed serious cogitation, and then delightedly hop into bed to do the mystery dance. (you know who you are )

But there are no guarantees.

Get out there, and put your thing down......oh all right then, if you're any good in a group of lads being the center of attention is a great way to be noticed by every female in the place, then just wait until you catch the eye of whatever delicate little flower takes your fancy, and give her a smile, or a cheeky wink, which ever suits your style, and whichever you think she'll respond to.

You've got a foot in the door there, you can strike up a conversation at the bar, or wherever (not the ladies mind) it can be about anything, absolutely anything, her outfit, that stain on the ceiling, how drunk your mate is, it doesn't matter, just sprinkly liberally with a charming smile, an easy way, and the odd joke to let her know you're not a psycho....one more thing,starting a conversation doesn't guarantee a lay, find some excuse to tell her about a party you're heading to, if she's hesitant suggest swaping numbers, or ask her about any parties herself and her mates know about, include the mates too, you score MONDO-POINTS for that!


One more thing, don't do coke to get laid man, that's just sad.

Smiley_ie

I think you should ask yourself what your looking for.

1 : A hot chick and night of raw sex.
2 : A girl that you kiss and get to feel her breasts in front people.
3 : A relationship where you spend time together and enjoy each others
company.
___
___

If you picked 1.
Goto Amsterdam, fill youself full of monkey juice & pay some hookers
confidance = 0 - 10

If you pick 2
You have drank to much, you think you where kissing her & your feeling her breast while pretending you spilt something on her top.
confidance = 3 - 10

If you pick 3
Your of the monkey juice, your not pissed, Had a nice chat together, Get her number and call her the next day.
confidance = 8 - 10

im_invisible

[read the edit on my first post, or not]

DINXMINX- the points were meant as a kinda joke, to keep posts like STROKESFAN's to a minium, i mean, its all true, and it all makes sense, but its all cliches (sp?), ive heard it all before, and it dosnt really help at all

i dont feel i have to explain my actions to anyone, well maybe i do, fcukit, its all good
i had to look up petulant up in the dictionary: 'peevishly impatint or iritable', then i had to look up peevish: 'querulous, irritable', then i had to look up... no seriously, no argument from me there.

ANGRYBADGER- i didnt do coke to get laid, i did coke to get the chance of getting a lay,

SMILEY_IE- all three please, no seriously, number 3, but have you been paying attention there at all, the only way ill get her number (or anything else off her), is if she gives it to me,

oh and KELL again- make girls lean over me?? collect numbers? you listened to Tenacious D's album? one is all you need man, one is all you need.

so, ill ask again, how do i..., how do i??
[no bonus points or minus points for anything, subject to change at any time...]

LegacyUser

What you need is a wing-man. That way you can both approach groups of girls and start conversations, it's a lot easier that way.

Another technique you can use is the quota technique. Tell you wing when you're going into the club, that you're going to make 10 approaches. For every approach less than 10 you owe the wing a fiver. For example if you only make 5 approaches you own him 5x5 = 25 euro! That way you'll HAVE to get over your shyness and make approaches, or else be seriously down in the pocket. If course if you score all bets are off.

This way, even if you get rejected every time, at least you're getting used to approaching girls, and it'll get easier and easier every time.

Medina

im_invisible wrote:

yeah, what i meant to say was, 'a night of crazy sex with a girl that i get on with, that i think likes me,' any girl like that is beautiful to me, (unless shes seriously ugly ;o) (this is me, i dont do serious, i do whatever this is, tongue in cheek??)

I don't understand how you can be so funny when writing and obviously not when speaking to girls ! And 'any girl like that is beautiful to me' is the part that shows your not a weirdo.

im_invisible wrote:

'oh, thats so sweet, your such a nice guy' YEAH, BUT WOULD YOU FCUK ME??? *i do evil aswell, sorry

Don't be like that now! If you're nice and she likes that, and you like her, why do you expect her to jump into bed with you straight out? Do you really want that for yourself? Why not get to know her, enjoy that, and if she likes you back eventually you'll make it into bed with her and then you can enjoy that. Get good at getting along first or you're only going to get easy girls you don't want when the beer goggles have come off.

im_invisible wrote:

[but seriously, talking to this girl for about 5 and a half hours, d'you know what we were talking about? the best ways to chat up girls, no, seriously, i was asking for tips, and she was asking me what i usually do, and saying i was so sweet/ whatever. you'd think after 5 hours shed get the message that if anything was going to happen, she was the one who would have to do something about it, no chance....

Don't judge us all by this. And that topic would have made her thought you're looking for a girl but you're not interested in her, because you're asking tips on how to pull. If you had in the end just asked her to meet again she probably would have been thrilled.

im_invisible wrote:

hey, that seems to be the only way it works for me, i probably do make a fool of myself sometimes, but its usually 'get myself drunk enough so that some girl can take advantage...' ....

If it really worked, you wouldn't be feeling this bad about yourself, and you would have a girlfriend...its not working at all. Stop telling yourself this, because you're using it to justify your drug taking, and while thats your own choice, its not very attractive and isn't a good impression to make.

im_invisible wrote:

i dont know about the smile, if im getting any kinda vibe off her i probably will, but its always gotta be the girl that makes the first move, makes the second, third, fourth, moves. ....

Well you're gonna stay in this rut if you keep on with that attitude. Something's gotta give if you want this to change..your current formula is obviously not working. Try a bit at a time. Set yourself little goals thats all. You should read the book 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'. Its for anyone who lets fear get in the way and just a couple of chapters will have you convinced to try a bit. What have you got to lose anyway? If you've no confidence now and ur at rock bottom , the only way from here is up. Of course not all girls will be interested but so what, are you interested in all of them?

Kell

im_invisible wrote:

oh and KELL again- make girls lean over me??

You dont "make them" do anything. As the place becomes crammed, people have no other choice than to lean across you in order to get a drink.

Trust me- next chick that attempts to lean over you, or looks frustrated that she cant get served, offer to order for her. Make damn sure you point out that you are not buying for her (this makes you look like a mug) and say "isnt it crap that you can never get a drink when you need one" etc (you have at that stage opened a conversation). If she tells you to fúck off, try again with the next and so on. Become a regular so the barman is now in on your game and makes sure you gets served at a the drop of a hat or wink or whatever way you wish to catch his attention. Make sure you tip for his services. OK, it may sound a tad contrived, but you dont think your "babe looking for a night of wild sex" is just going to *fall into your lap do you? Jeebus. How old are you again?

Believe me, it really is THAT easy. Stop making up excuses not to do things and just fúcking do them.

Getting meaning from songs is bóllóx. They are aimed at peoples insecurities in order to sell more. Listen to This Is The Sea by the Waterboys. It might help put your life into perspective.

K-

*Despite my words, they do sometimes. God its great when they do.

Medina

ok, when i put up my last post I hadn't read your edit.

Ok it seems you can talk to girls, well that's just great.

So the question is, you said you just don't think of asking them to the dancefloor / home ...

Is this true? Or do you think of it but are afraid to ask?

And either way, if you're not asking now, then you're not getting rejected so why the low confidence? Because you're not getting any sex? Sure sex won't give you confidence either, you'll only start asking yourself 'am i any good?' etc etc...you have to be confident before you get there...

Sounds like a chicken and egg situation..you've got to break it and I would suggest going for the dancefloor option first..you can make her really want to come home with you after that...and don't say 'I've got a room'..it makes you sound very desperate..

im_invisible

Kell wrote:

Getting meaning from songs is bóllóx.

ah, it wasnt the meaning i was getting at, it was the words,

its about cock pushups, getting so hard so that youd be able to lift your body with it, he is asked 'how many do you reckon youd be able to do?' and he says 'all you need is one'

same with me and girls numbers, i wouldnt go collecting 5 or 10 in a night, all i need is one,

im_invisible

so, its unanimous then? basically i should grow a pair of balls, and just go for it, and after a good few 'crash-and-burn's, by the law of averages, there should be some success? cool

MEDINA- i honestly can say, the amount of girls over the last few years, that ive hung around with for half an hour / a couple of hours, and nothings happened, and it hits me the next day, or 2 weeks later, that i should have made some kinda move, it just never enters my head at the time.
but then sometimes it does, but i cant / wont do anything, so...

the whole dancefloor situation, i really dont know. i like music, and i like dancing, but being in a club, i used to go off on my own, close my eyes, and dance in the middle of the dancefloor, just me and the music, then a while later id open my eyes, and thered be three beautiful women dancing infront of me, and id be thinking, 'what am i meant to do now? please just leave me alone, ive not got a clue what to do in this situation, i just wanna dance', so id open my eyes for a second, smile at them, then shut my eyes, and hope theyd be gone when i opened my eyes again... true story. (any comments as to whether i had taken a few E that night or not, maybe a few too many red bulls along with it, i dont mind)
im not the best lookin guy in the world, but for some reason, some girls actually want to dance with me, and i want to dance with them, and ive not got a clue, ...so they get frustrated, 'your lookin at me all ****in night, it was kinda cute at first, but its kinda creepy now, if you wanted to dance with me, why didnt you?' is what they would say, so i dont know,

the whole 'ive got a room' thing was in the context of a week in gran canaria, meeting a girl at 5 in the morning, and talking to her for 5 hours, (i thought she could do with a sleep, and id be on the couch ;o)

Medina

Hi,
I honestly think, that you should just give a girl sexy looks, when ur dancing beside her, dance with her you know? Maybe watch how other guys dance with a girl you know he's trying to get it on with. It's like foreplay but with less touching!

Just try, it will work honestly. The thing is before dancing with a girl try and make eye contact with her first and if you see she's smiling or staring back at you sexily then move over to her and dance as sexy as you can beside her , keeping as much eye contact as you can.

When ye are getting very close (as in very sexy moves) put your hands (not arms) around her waist (girls love that) and move her gently to the rhythm of the song. I'm telling you, if you can feel the music on your own your halfway there, you just have a dancing partner. Twirl her if needs be or pull her close and let your hips move together with hers. And when you've done a bit of up close dancing then just stare her in the eyes and kiss her. Believe me, if she's gone that far dancing with you , she'll be waiting for the kiss. Don't try and dance and kiss at the same time unless your moving slowly to a slow song. While kissing her stroke her hair and her neck. Then continue dancing or when ur both finished kissing and dancing, ask her if she wants to get a drink, and find somewhere for ye both to stand or sit. Then talk a bit, kiss her again every now and then, even if suddenly, just say after that you couldn't help it and watch the smile happen on her face. If you get a bit stuck talking ask her to dance again or if its the end of the night just look at her quietly and say 'Would you like to come back to my place.' If she says no, don't push it, just say 'well when can I see you again then?' If she says gets talking positively about this then great then ask for her number, or if she looks like she's not sure about the coming home thing, say 'I'd don't mind coming back to yours if you prefer.. ' cos sometimes girls don't want to go off without their friends for fear of their safety.

So either way you should come out with either a) the kind of night you've been looking for or b) a date with her again or c) nothing but some practice and she wasn't worth it anyway cos she was messing around.