PLEASE READ...THanks

intheknow · 10-07-2006 9:51am #1

Comments Welcome... Thats all, Not Vindictive.. Just want her to know that i know.
..Keep this so brief..here goes...Met my wife, she had a daughter 5yrs...single parent....Her widowed mother gave her hell, mass everyday thing, What will the neighbours think etc, Have a hot bath and abort etc.We fell in love, got a large mortgage on HER MOTHERS HOUSE and extented big time, We got married, I moved in, Byjasus the worst thing I could have done. Stuck it out for 4 yrs...Living with that Cold bitch of a a mother in law...Dont forget...THIS IS MY HOUSE..Even though my gorgous wife and me were paying a mortgage, all the bills and had converted what was a kip into a gorgous house. I am an alcoholic, but was dry when i met my wife and stayed sober for 6 yrs...Put up with walking on eggshells while living there, We lost a baby, then had a beautiful son, Who I knew after 3 monthe was deaf. I slipped,resumed drinking,No violence, no hassle in the house..ever..Decided Myself to go into a treatment centre, cause I did not want to ever go back to the way I was in my previous drinking days..Went away for 12 weeks, got sober, Mother seized her chance....Dont want an alcoholic in this house....I have not been back in 12 monthe...Living with my mother...still paying the bills and my wife and kids still live there....and she still gives them hell....over me...the fact that my wife gave birth before wedlock and my son is deaf because of me. I hate her for putting my wife and kids through hell on a daily basis just because she is a cold bitch. I have now discovered that she had a son, who my wife thought was her uncle is, in fact her son....Born outside wedlock....and I think the father was her own brother.....I dont care really about the whole situation, I just want to let her know that I know.. Maybe she will stop giving my wife and kids such a hard time on a daily basis.....I will try and discribe her...Curtain twitcher, Neighbours,Mass Cold, That fella is only after my house (me). As my lovely wife and kids still live with her, I just want her to know that I know. She has never told anyone her dark secret, But remains preaching to all from her moral high ground. I just want to not cause hassle but BYJASUS I want to make the rest of her life as miserable as she has made everyone elses...she is a very fit 85. I drive for a living, cry every nite for my family, cant afford to ever hope to get another house,Paying the mortgage in that house, paying my ma for my upkeep. I provide for them very well, am sober now and somedays have not got the price of a packet of fags How do i ler her know? A note ? Would someone out there make a call from adoption soceiety. i dont know ? I made the mistake of giving her the excuse to bann me, I drank again, she never knew me when I drank. I dont want to make my wife and childrens life any more miserable than it is now, But would love to plant the seed of doubht in her head that I know....Maybe the odd sleepness nite would suffice....Thats it really...Comments welcome. Ps My wife and kids still love me to bits, I just have to park around the corner when we meet...

intheknow · 10-07-2006 9:56am

Mods, Please move if I posted in the wrong forum, It took over an hour to write this, and a few tears..Please dont delete...Thanks

pokerwidow · 10-07-2006 10:29am

Intheknow I agree with Nick, you will get better advice in the personal issues forum. I am sorry to hear your story. Well done on getting sober again. I think it is important for you to keep your head down and attend aftercare for the required year (I think).

As regards to your wife, you need to talk to her. Sit her down and explain that although you appreciate your mother-in-laws help, you need to live together as a family so you can sort out your problems. Next go to the mil and sort out something financially so you can make a clean break from her. Obviously you will need legal advice on this.

Your mil seems exactly like mine, but it is up to you to ignore her silly behaviour. My mil thinks she can get away with anything if she sulks enough. Explain, calmly that she can keep her negative opinions to herself and in modern times having a baby out of wedlock is not even an issue.

Best of luck and keep us posted....

Nick_oliveri · 10-07-2006 10:35am

intheknow wrote:

the fact that my wife gave birth before wedlock and my son is deaf because of me.

I fail to see how your sons deafness could be your fault. Births before wedlock cannot be continually frowned upon as this is not 30-50 years ago.

Fair play to ya for staying sober. I'd recommend paying small visits to the house so you will have a fair idea of the in-laws reaction and slowly work from there. This is your house remember? And this is your family.

Beruthiel · 10-07-2006 10:55am

I have moved this to PI.

All comments from this point are under this forums rules.
B

hottstuff · 10-07-2006 10:56am

Back On Topic.....
To the OP , sorry to hear this.
I can imagine the feeling you get when you awake everyday.
Well done on being sober.
You need to stay strong and be proud of the life , you are TRYING to provide for your family.
Forget the sour mother-in-law.
She has to be jealous of the life you & your family have , that her's never had.
It's such a shame that you have meet with your family , around the corner

I'd do something about this now mate.
I know it may feel nigh on impossible , but you must turn things around on the mother-in-law , by not letting her get to you or your family.
And if possible try her at her own game.
best of luck
chin up

garthv · 10-07-2006 11:02am

Dude...
Sorry to hear that,
to be honest with you , you need to be more assertive, you own the house, tell the mother to get the fùck out. Shes ruining what could be a perfect life for you and your family. Either that or sit your wife down and explain to her to stop letting her mother run her life.

Your wife and kids love you, you own the house, you pay the bills. If I was you I'd ship the old lady to an old folks home and forget about her. Your wife probably wont be happy but she will realise she can be happier without her.

Beruthiel · 10-07-2006 11:06am

intheknow wrote:

got a large mortgage on HER MOTHERS HOUSE and extented big time

What possessed you to do this?
Was it to save money? Because no amount of saving money would ever, ever tempt me to live with an in law.
How exactly did you extend?
Did the MIL get a granny flat or is still in the main house?

Dont want an alcoholic in this house....I have not been back in 12 monthe...Living with my mother...still paying the bills and my wife and kids still live there....and she still gives them hell....over me...the fact that my wife gave birth before wedlock and my son is deaf because of me.

You poor, poor thing, it sounds like you have been to hell and back.
You are stong though, staying off the drink is no easy matter but you done it.
Time to be strong again - this woman needs to be put in her place.
Do you have the strength to move back?
Can you tell her in a calm tone that you are back and will take no more of her ****. Can you tell her that she hasn't a leg to stand on with regards to having a child out of weddlock and that she is to keep her opinions to herself from now on as you will not stand for her bullying ways anymore?
Bullys tend to step back from those strong enough to confront them. I'm guessing she would too if you showed her a side of you she's never seen before, a strong man who will do anything to protect his family and won't take any **** from anyone.
This is your house which you've paid for, I presume your MIL got a tidy sum from it?
Time to show her you're the man.
I'd stick her in a home, but I'm a cold biatch meself

I wish you the best of luck.
a

LegacyUser · 10-07-2006 11:43am

OP, time to abandon the navel gazing, self flagellation, alcoholic guilt. Now it's time to go on the offensive! so...

1. See a solicitor so that you know your rights to the house - if your name is on the mortgage - you must have some degree of ownership - you just need to find out how much. When you know for sure you can argue confidently.

2. Confront this woman - as Beruthiel says - time to stand up and be a man! rehearse what you need to say to this woman before you confront her!

3. Let her know that at age 85 she's only a couple of years away from a nursing home - which YOU get to chose when she goes gaga! She needs you as much as you need her - that probably frightens her...

4. At all times, keep in mind that she's only another warped and messed up human being, albeit with a particularly strong personality - one that seems to frighten you!!

5. Stop running scared! just because you've made a few mistakes in life doesn't mean you don't have the right to stand up for yourself. Being an alcoholic doesn't mean apologising and staying on the defensive for the rest of your life.

6. As a last resort remember that if you don't pay the mortgage, the only asset the bank can grab is HER house - threaten the MiL with that! (she doesn't need to know it's not true - make up a story about you all moving in with your mother...)

Best of luck...

TheBlock · 10-07-2006 11:49am

Keep your head held high because if anyone ever deserves to it's you.

You need to talk to your wife and tell her that you can no longer bear to be living apart from your family. Tell her you are going to talk to her mother to arrange for you all to live together in a stable household (Especially important for your kids and her grandchildre).

When you talk to the mother in law don't mention you know anything regarding her past unless you are 100% sure this is true.If you mention it and it is false you are only providing her with amunition.

If you belive it's 100% accurate tell her you know about it and believe that she should not be holding your wife and children responsible for what happend in her life. Tell her you will not stand for this and that if she persists in behaving the way she does you will take steps to recover your family home or the investment that you and the wife have made in it and will move on to a new life and leave her behind to rot in her false morality.

Best of luck and keep your head held high your son will need you as a role model.

Pink Bunny · 10-07-2006 12:23pm

Sell the house, give the woman her share and then move on buy your own house and get on with your life. Your wife and children are more important than keeping peace in the family.

Perhaps your wife is too timid to stand up to her mother due to years of what sounds like mental abuse, but you aren't. You need to be strong for her and the children. It's doing them harm by you living apart from them living under the influence of this hateful woman. Get back there and reclaim your family! Sell that place and move on even if it means going to a smaller home etc..it will be worth it.

masterK · 10-07-2006 12:33pm

Are you and your wife the sole owners of the house, does the MIL have any legal claim to it?

If she has no claim on it then you should just move back in and tell her that if she wants to stay living there she does so under you and your wifes rules.

Secondly, what really puzzles me from your post is how your wife does not stand up to her mother, it seems she would rather sacrifice her family than put her mother in her place. Does your wife want you to move back in?

LegacyUser · 10-07-2006 12:34pm

That's the kind of auld bag that was the last generation. They had their strengths - but they sure had their weaknesses too. As I have often said - if a kid came home from school or church and said that the priest was abusing him then he would get another clip around the ear for telling lies about such a 'holy' man. There were many kinds of similar situatons in Oireland which were disgraceful and have not yet been properly addressed. The auld bag comes from that kind of background and upbringing.

But I'm not clear : WHO owns the house ? You or her ? Or what does she get out of the deal ?

Tell her if she doesn't behave herself, you'll put her in 'the county home'. And then when she dies, you'll stick her down in a hole in a butter box.

Miss Fluff · 10-07-2006 12:41pm

Pink Bunny wrote:

Sell the house, give the woman her share and then move on buy your own house and get on with your life. Your wife and children are more important than keeping peace in the family.

Good advice. Who's name is on the deeds?

You poor thing. You sound like a loving husband and father. Just don't be tempted to revert to drink now when you have come so far. You need the strength and sobriety to fight for what's rightfully yours.

LegacyUser · 10-07-2006 12:59pm

I agree with Pink Bunny. You got to find a solution to get the family back and out of the clutches of the auld wasp. I think a lot will depend on who owns the house and what rights that auld bag has.

Also, take care about that 'uncle' business - afterall, that man is an innocent party in all of this.

Miss Fluff · 10-07-2006 2:50pm

NortSoide wrote:

IAlso, take care about that 'uncle' business - afterall, that man is an innocent party in all of this.

I am inclined to agree with NortSoide. I can understand how you feel nothing but spite for the caustic old bee-atch but you could be meddling in other innocent party's lives too by going down this route.

intheknow · 10-07-2006 9:59pm

decided not to anything rash this week, Let it sit for the mo, Ps its her house, I just seem to pay for everything, anyway going to have a bath and a spliff, Tomorrow will happen, everything on hold till then, nice and calm now, ipod on...we will see..nite, and thanks all

theluckyduck · 11-07-2006 12:08am

Hey, I really hope this works out for you, it's really sad to see things like this happen to what seem to be good people like yourself.

The only advice I can give to you is to see a solicitor, preferably not one from a large firm, a single practitioner. They tend to be more sympathetic as money may indeed be a problem.

Best of luck!!

P.S.
It's great that you have stayed off the drink, It killed my uncle.:(

StandnDeliver · 11-07-2006 12:15am

if i was you i would stand up to her,tell her to put up or shut up.....as your paying for the place.are u sure the deeds are with the bank as u got a morgage in your name.as for her dirty secret i would imply that we all make mistakes and we all have things we regret but some things are best left in the past .....then stare her out.and say to her isnt that right....
as for your kids/wife u legally have a right to be in the house im sure,no barring order i presume.
stressthat your familt is vip to u and they are your priority not her,start ignoring her,dont include her in anything.treat her with the attitude she behaves or gets out,lay your cards on the table.your the man of the family.dont sweat it be cool,calm but firm.
good luck

Gateway · 11-07-2006 12:28am

intheknow wrote:

decided not to anything rash this week, Let it sit for the mo, Ps its her house, I just seem to pay for everything, anyway going to have a bath and a spliff, Tomorrow will happen, everything on hold till then, nice and calm now, ipod on...we will see..nite, and thanks all

Yeah take it easy, enjoy your spliff and bath and don't do anything rash, by the sounds of it you've got the mother inlaw from hell! Right now I'm thinking f**k the bit*h and put her through some of the hell she's put you through but then again do you really need to fall to her level? Rise above her and always look down upon her.

You sound like a nice bloke and I hope it works out for you in the end.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, hang in there I here theres a cold winter on the way!

marilynM · 11-07-2006 12:50am

Talk about a stressful situation...

Your mother-in-law is from a different era, one that is thankfully dying off, never to return. The God fearing, shortsighted, narrowminded curtain twitchers are a dying breed.

The temptation to "give her some of her own" must be very strong. How clear are your facts about her own past? I know it's hard to resist, but if I were you I'd sit on my hands regarding letting her know what you know about her son etc. If you were to tell her and this 85 year old witch was to freak out and croak or have a sudden decline in her wellbeing, your wife may never forgive you. Sure, she may not "love" her mother in the way most of us love their parents, but if you brought her mother harm, it could harm your relationship with your wife and son.

In the mean time, enjoy the odd spliff and nice soak in the tub. Be thankful that you have people who love you and need you. Believe it or not, there are some people out there who'd give their right arm for what you've got. At 85, her time is at an end. She could be dead tomorrow....!!!! Just think of the wonderful life you and your family will have in that house, sooner rather than later. Perhaps you'll sell the house, set up a new life in a new home and be happier than you've ever thought possible.

LegacyUser · 11-07-2006 10:39am

U pay the bills (including mortgage) - but she owns the house.
And U are married to her daughter ...

I think U really need to see a good solicitor about this one.
It looks a right mess.

Ickle Magoo · 11-07-2006 4:42pm

intheknow wrote:

Ps My wife and kids still love me to bits, I just have to park around the corner when we meet...

Sorry, but it doesn't sound like it to me....

As I read you post all I could think was "What has his wife got to say about this?"!! I can tell you for free that no-one would stop me seeing or living with my husband if I wanted to do that...this is between your wife & you - no-one else....I would refuse point blank to pay for a mortgage of a house I wasn't allowed into...I really think you need to see a solicitor to work out your legal position & then you & your family need to find your own home....if that is what everyone wants...

SarahMc · 11-07-2006 9:48pm

Totally with Ickle Magoo, it was a huge mistake taking out the mortgage and investing in a house that is not, and may never be yours.

But the house is just bricks and mortar, you need to win your wife and family back, and get them away from the destructive influence of mil. I think if you want to do this, you may have to accept you made a huge mistake with the house and move on, your wife won't appreciate you fighting to make an old woman, her mother, homeless.

King of Kings · 11-07-2006 10:26pm

hi,
don't want to thrash your wife but she soesn't seem to be sticking up for you as mcuh as she should....particularly when your son is concerned.

i'd see the lawyer or march in there and announce you're staying.
if it's your house she can't throw you out without a court order....

or else....stick them with rent - that'll wipe the smile of the mother-in-laws face...

whatever you do - take the offensive

jimmycrackcorm · 12-07-2006 1:03am

All the mother in law has to do is deny what the op is saying- what proof is there realistically? So letting the cat our of the bag might backfire very easily...

Victor · 12-07-2006 4:56am

OP, have we spoken before?