What to do?

wsid

I'm a man in his mid twenties who has just walked in on my mother and my dads best friend. They wern't having sex but they were fairly full on. I ****ed him out and called her every name under the sun. I'm only after calming down now. I told her i wouldn't tell my da, but i really dont know what to do. I know there is no easy solution to this, but any advice might be helpful/.

Huggles

wsid wrote:

I'm a man in his mid twenties who has just walked in on my mother and my dads best friend. They wern't having sex but they were fairly full on. I ****ed him out and called her every name under the sun. I'm only after calming down now. I told her i wouldn't tell my da, but i really dont know what to do. I know there is no easy solution to this, but any advice might be helpful/.

Jesus OP that is really awful. Do you know if it has been going on long, any history of your Mam cheating before? if she says it was a once off I'd keep schtum but if its going on awhile I'd tell your Dad, thats terrible

FlutterinBantam

Jaysus.... I'd sit on it for a month or two..... don't do anything hasty

LadyJ

I wouldn't tell your dad but I think your mother should really do it.

Had you not seen this then it might be a different story but now you are involved through no fault of your own and it would be a bit much for your mother to ask you to keep this a secret.

It seems to me that the decent thing to do would be for her to tell your dad.

However,that is quite general advice and might not be the best idea in every situation.

wsid

TheGooner wrote:

Jesus OP that is really awful. Do you know if it has been going on long, any history of your Mam cheating before? if she says it was a once off I'd keep schtum but if its going on awhile I'd tell your Dad, thats terrible

She told me they kissed last week but that was it. There is no history of anything like this before. She'd probably leave the country if he found out. She might have to. My brain is in bits

Ruu_Old

Its up to her to tell your dad. Sorry you had to go through this.:(

Huggles

wsid wrote:

She told me they kissed last week but that was it. There is no history of anything like this before. She'd probably leave the country if he found out. She might have to. My brain is in bits

in that cae I would take Lady Js suggestion and get her to tell your Dad, on reflection, you teling him might hurt his ego even more than his best mate kissing his wife.

wsid

TheGooner wrote:

in that cae I would take Lady Js suggestion and get her to tell your Dad, on reflection, you teling him might hurt his ego even more than his best mate kissing his wife.

Probably would, but if he does find out then thats it ,game over. He's not the forgiving type. He'll go off his head. she'll be living in england within a week. was just talking to him there. couldn't even look him in the eye

Huggles

wsid wrote:

Probably would, but if he does find out then thats it ,game over. He's not the forgiving type. He'll go off his head. she'll be living in england within a week. was just talking to him there. couldn't even look him in the eye

I'm really upset for you, what a truly horrible situation. :mad:

LadyJ

wsid wrote:

Probably would, but if he does find out then thats it ,game over. He's not the forgiving type. He'll go off his head. she'll be living in england within a week. was just talking to him there. couldn't even look him in the eye

Thing is OP,the damage is already done.

Either you'll go through life feeling as if you've betrayed your father somehow,while resenting your mother and then eventually it will all come out

OR

Your father finds out now and you save yourself years of trying to repress something that you'll never forget about.

Thing is,if your mother is cheating on your father then perhaps she's unhappy with him and this is a way (maybe subconsciously) of getting out,as it were.

Millie1

U know wat...this really is your Mum's problem and her cross to bear not yours. Its not just children that get hurt by being caught up in their parents problems its grown up ones also..in fact thats probably worse. I think you need to put this one back on your Mum, especially if you found it difficult to look your Dad in the eye, eventually he will cop on that there is something wrong and I hate to point it out but he will be really dissappointed that you kept it from him. You need to have a serious conversation with your Mum, previous post was right, she can't expect you to cover for her...

Good luck hon

spurious

He's not the forgiving type. He'll go off his head.

Perhaps your mother has had a lot to put up with. We can't judge her and neither should you.

Eventually we all discover that our parents are not the infallible gods we thought they were, but are humans and make stupid human errors and do stupid things.

You are an adult. This is your mother's business. It is not your place to tell your father. If she wants to tell him she will - perhaps she won't tell him at all. It is their business. After twenty odd years of marriage, they will work it out themsleves - if they need or want to.

Santa Claus

spurious wrote:

You are an adult. This is your mother's business. It is not your place to tell your father. If she wants to tell him she will - perhaps she won't tell him at all. It is their business. After twenty odd years of marriage, they will work it out themsleves - if they need or want to.

You seem to be missing the point, this HAS sffected the OP's relationship with his Dad...he can't look him in the eye.

If the mother wanted to keep it her business then she should have been more careful to hide it from her son shouldn't she ???

Aard

Whatever you do, don't make hasty decisions. Talk to your mother about it before you even consider going to your father.

BizzyC

I think you should tell your mum to tell him.

LadyJ summed it up nicely.

Victor

Is it possible that your parents have an 'understanding'?

Aard wrote:

Whatever you do, don't make hasty decisions. Talk to your mother about it before you even consider going to your father.

Indeed.

Santa Claus

Victor wrote:

Is it possible that your parents have an 'understanding'?

She'd hardly make him swear not to tell his father if they had an "understanding" now would she ??

LegacyUser

Similar thing happened me a few years ago, horrible situation to be in.
Talk to your ma a.s.a.p.
Your da has a right to know, if you keep it from him he will be annoyed with you

up for anything

Santa Claus wrote:

She'd hardly make him swear not to tell his father if they had an "understanding" now would she ??

Where did the OP say that she made him swear not to tell his father/her husband.

You're caught between a rock and hard place... don't tell your dad and spend a while getting used to looking him in the eye again... tell your dad and lose your mother.

My advice would be to stay out of it. They are both adults and so are you. Your father sounds like a frightening type of guy... maybe she was discussing something to do with their marriage with one of the people who would know him best in the world and succumbed to sympathy. It happens.

Black Swan

A real "Catch 22" position. No matter what you so, everyone gets hurt. Do think before acting on this one, as suggested by others. Sad.

oulu

Put yourself in your Dad,s shoes would you want to know ,I know I would.Give your Mum and certain time span that she must tell your Dad and if she does not then say you will ask his so called mate to do it.And if they dont do it then you must.This thing about only kissed last week is total crap as you know, this could be going on for years make no mistake,everybody who gets caught always says that was the first time. He has to be told can't live in a lie and 2 people close to him making a xxxxing thick of him,

milod

oulu wrote:

Put yourself in your Dad,s shoes would you want to know ,I know I would.Give your Mum and certain time span that she must tell your Dad and if she does not then say you will ask his so called mate to do it.And if they dont do it then you must.This thing about only kissed last week is total crap as you know, this could be going on for years make no mistake,everybody who gets caught always says that was the first time. He has to be told can't live in a lie and 2 people close to him making a xxxxing thick of him,

That sounds like a gut reaction to a complicated situation. You can't react simplistically to a situation like this, nor can you judge the parties involved. In my experience, a happily married woman doesn't behave in a high-risk way like this - none of us know her reasons - and judging by the OP's prediction of how his father would react - he sounds like someone with a short fuse. The only reason the OP thinks his mother would have to go to England is to avoid a violent reaction to the news - so that says a lot about the relationship dynamic here, no?

All the OP can so is ask both parties to come clean, after that, they're all adults and it's their decision. If the OP is worried that somehow his father would find out he knew and didn't tell, then it's up to him to balance the pros and cons. If he tells, it sounds like a 'Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war' scenario. IMHO, there are too many cons to take the reins and tell him outright...

hottstuff

I'd love to see your fathers so-called PAL , own up to this.
Such a shame , as said i'd have a good chat with mum , and try to suss outf how she feels , if she still loves dad etc.
She should not hide what she truly believes , and pass the buck.
Best of luck , and chin up mate.

LegacyUser

milod wrote:

and judging by the OP's prediction of how his father would react - he sounds like someone with a short fuse. The only reason the OP thinks his mother would have to go to England is to avoid a violent reaction to the news - so that says a lot about the relationship dynamic here, no?

OP didnt say there would be a violent rection, he said his father would Flip out and most likey hit the roof.
Understandable in my book.

OP you need to right this wrong, if you are a man at all. You will give your mother a deadline of a day or two and then go and tell your father if she doesnt have the decency.
Speaking personally its not a pleasant thing to do! and everyone is right there are consequences. But you did nothing wrong, your mother did, so if she wont tell, you must. Otherwise your mother his best friend are making a fool of him, and you are now an accessory

LegacyUser

unreg886677 wrote:

OP didnt say there would be a violent rection, he said his father would Flip out and most likey hit the roof.
Understandable in my book.

OP you need to right this wrong, if you are a man at all. You will give your mother a deadline of a day or two and then go and tell your father if she doesnt have the decency.
Speaking personally its not a pleasant thing to do! and everyone is right there are consequences. But you did nothing wrong, your mother did, so if she wont tell, you must. Otherwise your mother his best friend are making a fool of him, and you are now an accessory

Now that's a simplistic reaction! - OP said his mother would be in England within a week - why move there?!?! other than to avoid a nasty reaction...

As for giving people deadlines? that takes no account of the background to this - you can't just take a balls-out, Chuck Norris approach to a complicated emotional situation and stomp around giving orders.

OP should think carefully before saying anything IMHO...

free2fly

Oh my! What an awful predicament to be in. I agree with the others who say that you need to sit down and talk with your mum about this. It is not fair that she has put you into a situation where you can't even look your own dad in the eye. SHE needs to deal with this, not you. If she is unhappy enough in her marriage to cheat then she should be taking steps to move out and move on. Talk to her so that you can place the burden back on her. This should not be your cross to bear. Good luck OP. My thoughts are with you.

wsid

Thanks for all the replies and kind words. Just to clear things up, my father isn't really a voilent man. My mother would head for england because of the treatment she would recive from my father and his very big family. He could very easily **** up her social life/job/etc without laying a hand on her.

I'm going to leave things for a few weeks and see what happens.
If my father is going to find out its going to be from her not me. I just dont know weather ill make her tell him or not. The truth is that i dont know all the facts, but the tought of asking my mother makes me sick. Hopefully i'll feel better about talking to her about it in the comming weeks.

Aard

It's wise to sit on it for a while, but I really think you should talk to your mother ASAP. I hate to jump to conclusions, but if you give her too much time before talking to her, she might make up excuses or things that aren't exactly true.