Handling a stepfather & younger brothers

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just going unreg for this, prepare for an extrememly long post!

O.K, basically I'm a 19 year old guy and about to leave home for college up the country. My mother is married for the second time, I have one older brother from the first marriage and two younger ones from the second marriage ( 2 years and 18 months ). My older brother doesn't live at home.

Long story short, I just don't get on with my stepfather and far worse, my mother doesn't either (in my opinion at least). This shows itself in regular (verbal) quarrels between my mother and him (let's call him John) about the most trivial things. Frankly I don't think he's an able dad- he works 6 days a week, self-employed, and refuses to come home and help out on a saturday even though he could (imo) afford to leave someone else in charge for that one day. He seems to prefer work (workaholic maybe?).

Don't get me wrong, I gave him all the chances when he first moved in as I wanted my mother to be happy but now, after 4 years, I just don't like his character or attitude and believe that we would be better off without him. I don't think he wanted to have children, and proposing to my mother just seemed to be an old-fassioned knee-jerk reaction to her being pregnant. He is extremely impatient, often believes we gang up on him (we are french living here for 10 years, he's Irish), even though I go to extraordinary lengths to stay out of 99% of the arguments my "parents" have. He often tells my mother to tell him what she feels, but when she tries to improve their relationship by making suggestions he says that she's "always giving out".

All this is very tough on my mother because a) she's gotten divorced before b) she's got two young kids to handle c) John's had a terrible childhood (got beaten by his dad etc.) Oftentimes, when my mother wants to do something social or go to the hairdresser / massage etc. just to get a break he wants the childminder over instead of taking that rare opportunity to actually be a dad minding the kids for once. Whenever he does look after them he'd be ringing her two hours after she's gone out asking her why it's taking so long, complaining about them screaming etc., even though she goes through that at least twice as often.

O.K, this might sound one-sided so far, especially coming from someone who isn't that closely involved, but I have waited a long time before deciding that the situation isn't going to get better. You just can't talk to that man! I mean I'm those kid's brother and more often or not I look after them more than he does! On saturdays it's my mom and I looking after them 'till 6 p.m., now during the summer holidays its the same situation on fridays as the childminder is only there mon-thurs. BTW, my mother works half-time whenever the childminder is there! I fear the whole thing will collapse once I leave for college, I don't mind them that often but my mother is on the ropes as it is. John doesn't even like going out and having a laugh, so it's usally my mom with her friends with him at home babysitting. They don't have a connection anymore.

Please, can someone make some sort of reasonable suggestion? This is tricky because I'm only 19... by the way one of John's old-fassioned concepts is that younger people should be ultra-respectful towards older folks... Yes, I could go on and on..


Thanks in advance for any advice

metrovelvet

There are several things going on here. Lets start with Male Avoidance. [and before I get flamed - let me say a man explained to me how this works]

The most obvious way he's doing it is through the workaholicism. He doesnt have to be at home that way. He can be at work, where he can feel in control, probably because being at home isnt very pleasant.

The less obvious way is the way he communicates.

He often tells my mother to tell him what she feels, but when she tries to improve their relationship by making suggestions he says that she's "always giving out".

Often when women start expressing themselves in the "we need to talk" way, negative things are expressed and the man feels uncomfortable and left wanting and attacked. Its often not meant that way, but thats how its heard. It sounds like this is what is happening here. The vicious cycle which ensues then is that the woman then doesnt feel "safe" in delivering comminication to him and so the breakdown happens. The "your always giving out" is the classic example of denying anything is wrong in order to avoid confrontation and moreso feeling out of control and vulnerable, when all he wants is to feel safe and warm, fed, watered and laid.

There is very little that good communication cant sort out. They just need to get on track with it.

As for what you can do about this? Not much. Its between them. As the eldest [ive been there] you are at risk for developing a "spousal" relationship with your mother. Thats not as pervy as it sounds. What it means is that you could end up shouldering the practical and emotional responsibilities of your step-father. Your mother and step father got themselves into this mess, let them get out of it. I understand that your mother needs help with minding your brothers, but dont over do it because then what you are infact doing is enabling something which is destructive to all of you.

Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better. Go to college. Enjoy your life. If it collapses it may force them to get their acts together.

naddaddy

have to unregistered here.
Well man I'm in a simular situation myself.

Mam went out with my dad, he left Ireland and emigrated before I was born. So I never met the man. Needless to say i don't particulary want to in the meantime. Well I've no Bro's or sis. So it's incredably difficult for me to stay out entirely.

My Mam is remarried and My stepdad and I at the best of times triy to get on. Mam helped it in the beginning. Though I never really trusted him. I'm an Adult so I can understand my part and what is going on. Like you when I was 19 and up to this age, I was tied into whether i was involved or not intentionally. Mam would argue with him over trivial things and him complaining about work (same as you works 6 days a week) He does not lift a finger at home. As soon as he comes home he starts a row with Mam and I. Mam always sticks up for him (because she's half afraid of him and knowningly she would lose him otherwise) The manipulation is there all the time. Both Parents refuse to accept that therre behaviour is absurd.

In My situation I had to leave home as they were verbally violent, they'd throw temper trantroms. Speak badly of me to others. Now I' was just a normal teenager at the time, in fact I was to good. The negative environment nearly took over my life. I used to think what they said were true, and everyone else thought the same..... I too could go on and on.

Your last comment is classic, something my mother and stepdad plays on me too, I have to utmost respect. I do everything I'm told, I'm obliging. Yes I have moods yes I get tired, but it's not allowed in their case. Parents who demand this of don't know how they are treating their kids... the prpblem is you don't realise how much they need you!!! when you leave things will become clear to you. I'm not taking away the fact it's not easy coming away knowing your not the blame for any of it, as it's beyond your control. Your Parents (judging from what your telling me) will always like control, and you are giving it to them to much so now especially now that your an adult.

When you stand up for yourself... I can totally garentee you they will play this tune. "don't speak up" don't you dare speak to me like this. I'm the parent your the child.

Well your 19, your are an adult. you can make your own decisions and you can stand up for yourself. That's my best advice and don't ever ever give in. If it becomes too painful for you to be around them, you have to separate yourself and tell them "your not accepting it and your not blaming anyone but I need to get on with it"


It's disgusting of some parents to do this to their children, of those Children of these parents "will hurt their parents just as much because it's all they ever felt is hurt". It will never stop until the child is able to realiise to take responsibilty the Parent sickingly never did...

LegacyUser

Well, thanks for the advice!

I dunno about "standing up" though - my mum and I get on with each other perfectly and "John"... well- he's the one who gets hurt and irritated if u ever say anything to him. I don't get hurt anymore because I know that a lot of the time what he says is bull and if does throw up a valid complaint then I know that I have more things to complain about than he. This "difficult past" bit is what makes the whole thing that bit harder.

Beruthiel

family problems wrote:

Please, can someone make some sort of reasonable suggestion?

Listen chicken, this is not your problem.
You are 19, soon you will be going to college, enjoy that and take care of yourself.
Sounds to me like your Ma make a wrong choice, came out of the first marriage, John treated her well to start with, probably something she missed and felt flattered so she eventually married him. On the rebound perhaps. Either way, it was her decision, and it is something she will have to sort out in the end.
Nothing you can say or do will make the slightest bit of difference with regards to this situation or their relationship, in fact it would probably be seen as interference by one or both of them.

You feel helpless and want to help your mother, you are a good son, but the only one who can help your mother, is your mother.

I am divorced myself, so I can understand that she is probably very disappointed to have gone from one lousy relationship right into another. She made the decision before to leave, there may come a time when she will do so again, but it will be in her own time when something happens and it will be the straw that broke the camals back.

With regards to your step dad. We all learn how to become a parent by seeing what our own parents do and behave towards their children. There is no school you can go to where you learn to be a good parent. All John seems to have learnt about parenthood is how to avoid being beaten by your father. Now he is a parent himself and has no clue whatsoever on how to act. So he lashes out or depends on your mother to take care of it. He will never change unless he wants to. Again, this decision can only come from him.

Concentrate on yourself, get an education and if it's possible to move out then for the good of yourself, I suggest you do so.
best of luck
a

LegacyUser

Well, something even more weird and pointless happened today. We (whole family inc. older brother) were having dinner when somehow my brother's facial exercises came up.

He has a depression on his right cheeck that he got checked out recently; turned out he has a muscle deformation and needs to do certain excercises six times daily, wear a plastic rail in his mouth at night for six months and only then can it be operated.

Anyway, this topic came up and out of nowhere, because (let's call my brother Tom) Tom wasn't doing the excercises enough, John starts an argument about how it "annoys him" that Tom could spend lots of money on doctors and scans and not do the things to make it better. He also said that Tom has "done nothing" (even though he was doing the excercises, which are quite uncomfortable, he just wasn't doing the prescribed amount yet).

I don't think John had the slightest right to criticise Tom as he has some genuine anxiety problems and IMO was doing his best to get to grips. I was so close to calling John the biggest, most heartless hypocrite because he himself has the lowest self-composure out of all of us. He could never refuse a drink when it's offered to him, is overweight by a good bit, couldn't stick to a rigid dietary plan given to him when it was discovered that his blood pressure was off the charts and when he tried to get into the fire brigade he did the fitness test four times, failed four times; after each announcing ominously that NOW he was going to go training each night and give up drinking. Independently of this he has said many many times that he would get back on "the diet", I think the longest he ever lasted was 5-6 days.

Sorry for this rant, but as I said I was very close to loosing my composure in the utterly pointess argument. For some reason Cordelia's "Love and be silent" but I'm not at all sure who's faith is most similar to Lear's.

I know I can't do anything but it hurts to experience this kind of rubbish.