Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...

AFS

This is my first posting and I need advice or the views of an independent observer. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and I love him dearly. Recently I've been thinking seriously about settling down but this is not on his agenda at all. We're both in our late 20's and I can feel the beginnings of my biological clock ticking. I dont want marriage or babies yet but I do want to move to the next phase of our relationship which, I think, should be living together. I spoke to him about it and I told him that I needed the security and committment from him that living together would give me but he feels that I'm trying to push him into making decisions. Basically that I'm guilt tripping him into moving in together. He says that he feels guilty a lot of the time that he cant give me the reassurances and committment that I need. This all came to a head yesterday and we both stood firm with our views to the point that I said that we should just break up cos loving each other isnt enough if we cant make the day to day logistics of our relationship work. So I think we broke up. I can quite believe that we couldnt work it out and come to some compromise. TBH, I'm totally numb today. Have I cut off my nose to spite my face? Am I wrong about wanting to settle down? Is it too soon into our relationship to be thinking about living together? Is there any way for a compromise that would see us continuing together? Am I wrong to cut my losses if we cant come to a mutually acceptable decision? Any thoughts would be really appreciated guys cos my head is spinning with all these thoughts and questions.

xzanti

Theres a personal issues forum that would be better for this.. Under Social

shnaek

A really good friend of mine was in this position a while ago. His girlfriend felt the way you did. They were really great together and she was sound out. She too mentioned living together, the whole thing came to a head and they broke up.
So the first thing I'd say is that this happens.
The second thing I'd say is that you can only wait so long to get where you want to go. If you are at that limit then you made the right decision bringing it up. If that resulted in you guys breaking up then what coud you do? This is obviously important to you. Relationships are based on truth. You told him how you felt. If he isn't in the same place then you can't make him go there.
Don't know how much help this is, or if it is any help at all. I guess what I am trying to say is that you have to know the things that are important to you in life and honour them. If you need more commitment and he can't give it or compromise on it then you've done the only thing you can do.

Dragan

"All you need is love is a lie cuz,
we had love but we still said goodbye,
now we're tired, battered fighters."

- John Mayer

Just though i would stick that up there as it is a valid quote....sometimes love is not enough, both people need to be in the same place for a relationship to work, if both are not, and no compromise can be met then someone will not be happy, and that is not how a relationship works.

Give it time and see how you feel, thats all i can say.

muppetkiller

If I can just add to this ..you do not know anyone till you live with them.. So I wouldn't be settling down with a girl unless I had lived with her for at least a year or two before hand. that's just my experience anyway.

So in a way I agree that if a realtionship is to progress moving in together is good idea. Otherwise you might just end up wasting your time on someone..and time as you mentioned is ticking along.
But having said that you should give a guy an ultimatum on moving in with you. there may be financial or other reasons he wouldn't.

Dyr

oooo no, A PI thread has wandered into AH by mistake, it's a bit like watching a blind cat wandering across the M50..you just know it's not going to end pretty....

AFS

Well would you mind explaining to me how to move it cos as I said from the outset - this is my first posting.

BoozyBabe

A Mod (moderator of this forum) has to move it.

Dragan

AFS wrote:

Well would you mind explaining to me how to move it cos as I said from the outset - this is my first posting.

A Mod needs to move it, it just that a post going up in the wrong forum is about the most interesting that will happen for some of these folks all day, plus they need to fulfill the need to show they are more boards.ie savy than others.

It's okay, they go away after a while.

muppetkiller

Haha well done Dragan truer words were never spoken.

Beruthiel

Moved to PI.

AFS wrote:

Have I cut off my nose to spite my face?

No you haven't.

Am I wrong about wanting to settle down?

If it feels like the obvious next step to you, then it's what you need to do.
Most of us who care for someone will decide to live together at some point.

is it too soon into our relationship to be thinking about living together?

After two years?
I don't believe so.

Is there any way for a compromise that would see us continuing together?

Not if both of you are firm in your views.

Am I wrong to cut my losses if we cant come to a mutually acceptable decision?

If at some point in the future you want to have the whole marriage bit, kids and all, then this is something you have to work towards with someone who is of like mind.
If you have discussed this with your b/f and he has no interest at all in this, then it's best you cut your losses now and move on.

DubNside

Me and the now Ex were due to move it, I went and looked at places but never actually took the final step and moved in with her, the relationship lasted a bit longer, but we saw less and less of each other due to work/social commitments and are now apart.

Moral of the story, if you feel this is the next step in your relationship, take it, or just go and cut your losses.

nitrogen

If both people are in their late 20s and going out for 2 years, I'd consider moving in then late! If you're both in the same city, I don't see what the problem is.

I think you made the right decision OP, especially if he wasn't willing to compromise.

tap28

Don't let the relationship end without finding out the why's and why not's from him.

I remember when I was going out with a girl for 5 years and she really wanted to move in together. I didn't, even tough I was fully committed to her and when I thought of marriage etc I only ever thought of it with her. This really upset her but I wasn't ready and knew that if I went into this halfhearted it could end-up hurting the relationship.

Anyway we didn't, we worked on the relationship, had fun together and 4 years later she became Mrs tap.:D

I say again don't let 2 years go until the 2 of ye sit down and talk it trough again.