I'm crap at touching people and flirting feels lecherous

LegacyUser

I'm not sure if lecherous is the right word there, but we'll run with it for the moment. You can probably skip the next two paragraphs.

As for the vitals, I'm 21/m/Dublin, not had real relationships except for what was really a fling last year for a couple of months. I've certainly had my share of issues to deal with in my life (which are on-going. I'm not living with my folks at the moment, and that'll probably continue for the next year or so. Beyond that I've no idea where I'll live.) and I saw a councellor for the first time in December and have been back a few times since. I can't say I'm a huge fan. The councellor seems to be expecting me to just figure everything out by myself and tell how I did it. Maybe it's not for me, maybe I just need a different councellor or to get to a psyciatrist. Dunno.

I'm almost certain that I'm not depressed, but I probably suffer from feeling alone a lot (even/especially with groups. I'm sure you've read it all before). I guess I'm crap at getting close to people in general, not just for sexual relationships. I've tried sharing with friends (guys and girls) about what has me down, but I don't think I like how that changes my relationships with them. It can feel very awkward especially because they seem to sympathise, but can't relate to what I'm saying. I think I then get fairly intense, trying to proove to them that I'm right to be down, and frankly just becoming a burden. That's particularly disappointing, because I often feel like my mum is only a burden to me. I really wanted to tell her that too, but how crushing would that be?

So I have fairly crap relationships with everyone in my life: My family and my friends. Though I do have a better relationship with some of my friends than my family. When I meet a girl or start flirting with a girl I've known for a little while, I feel really awkward to be touching her (I mean a hand touch or a brief arm around the waist. Let's call it simple touching), especially when the girl doesn't touch back. Is that normal for a girl who is interested? Anyway, later on or the following morning I almost invariably feel really sleazy, and it annoys me.

I think my whole personality just doesn't suit being touchy with people. Any people. Others seem to do it fine. I've tried simple touching my friends more to get me more used to it, but that's not so useful either. It still feels quite alien, so I'm still feeling really lonely. People need to be able to be touched just as much as they need friends and interpersonal relationships, right?

This post almost any direction, and if I continue, I'll just go off on more of a tangent, so I'll wrap it up and hopefully get some thoughts on all this.
Does anyone else feel lecherous/sleazy when flirting?
How can I get more used to touching people?
I really want a fundamental personalilty change. Is that even possible?

Thanks for reading.

Lonely Or Lazy

I have a similar feeling, pardon the pun, I dont seem to touch people at all, I thinks its the way I was brought up. Come from a big enough family, we all get on with each other, its just we never talked about "Personal Issues", I also think the hugs and kisses stopped when we started walking.

Coz I have a nephew now and everyone is all over him except my siblings and I, we all do the funny faces stupid noises and stuff, but holding him and touching him is alien to me anyway, Im the youngest btw, similar with friends aswell but probably should make enough physical contact but that doesnt seem to be in my nature.

I dunno if its helped you, but I needed to get that off my chest also,

quad_red

You've nothing to feel weird about!

Different folks, different strokes! (excuse the pun)

And trust me - you ain't being leecherous if you're that careful about it. Just try and relax and remember that nothing is expected of you.

Black Swan

You are 21? No, lecherous was not a good choice of words to describe what you might feel if you got touchy--feely with someone within your dating age range.

In some ways I can identify with what you feel. I am not touchy feely with strangers, or mere acquaitances, and I am not all over my friends, either. Tend to keep a polite distance.

But with a lover, I am just the opposite. Very touchy feely and want them to be the same with me. Holding hands on walks, sitting on the same side in a restaurant table or booth, sitting close on a bus, putting an arm around you in a theatre, and so forth. So it depends on the relationship.

Hmm_Messiah

Ok probably sound mental or total off track but

(OP can PM me if it does make any sense )

1. the guilty/lecherous feelings might suggest that this is learned from something in the past, like even innocent play as a kid that was critised or mis-understand (thats an example not a suggestion)

2. Might also be related to the other stuff you'd to deal with, hard to say without knowing you more. Many many people don't know how to initiate touching/contact so don't worry about that. I get the feeling you think its more, and thats what I'm responding too.

3. find some safe environment to touch people, just to get comfortable with personal contact. Handling kids are great, holding, feeding babies etc, or maybe dancing lessons etc

Again sorry if I'm going way off what you feel/ are looking for I just know of friends who've had some similar problems rooted in their childhood

spinandscribble

i feel the same way with flirting. but just because the girl doesnt touch you back it doesnt mean shes not interested. i know im sometimes to nervous to respond. if she smiles or even simply doesnt pull back its a good sign.
do you want to be close to someone in the romantic sense or do you feel you should? maybe you just need someone to respond to your touching to make it worthwhile and feel comfortable or maybe you werent lovingly touched as a child?

ThrownAway

spinandscribble wrote:

or maybe you werent lovingly touched as a child?

Would that have anything to do with it though? I'm a very touchy person and one of my exes wasn't like that which was a huge problem.

LegacyUser

would it be anything to do with how you see yourself? how are you when other people touch you?

ive always wanted to be an affectionate person, & in my head i am. but i found recently, ive been seeing this guy, & hes very huggy, which in my head is ideal, but i feel awkward. when he puts his arms around me or anything i kinda feel awkward. its not him, hes lovely, & i like him.

its the first time ive ever really been like this with a guy. but im very self-conscious, especially about my figure & my body in general, & i think this is probably my reason for it.

dont know if this would apply to you at all?? i guess it was a bit of a getting it off my chest for me..

spinandscribble

to iwanthugs same exact thing happened with my ex. eventually you'll ease into it. it might be more public then you are used to but it took me a month of being my ex everyday in college to get over the awkwardness.

and to thrownaway, yes it could have something to do with it. from the ppl i know and life experience it can affect how affectionate a person is or feels capable of. its not always the case of course but it can be a factor

Oryx

OP, just responding to what you said about the counselling. If you dont feel comfortable with your counsellor, you could always try someone else, but the key to counselling is that they dont give you the answers, it is alway up to you to decide what to do. Its all about helping you see and understand your own mind. Personally when I went thru it, I didnt think it helped at the time, but looking back I did get a lot of things sorted by doing it. Its just not a magic wand, it will take time.

And not everyone is touchy feely, but if you feel your missing out because of it then putting yourself in situations where touching others is required might help a bit, like someone said, dance classes, or first aid, or having (or learning) massage. You cant become like your touchy feely friends overnight, but it will build up with time.

Good luck with everything.

cooker3

Hmmmn this is an interesting thread for me as the op's and subsequent poster situation is pretty much a mirror image of how things are with me.

I was in this exact situation last night when I was out on dancefloor, never know what to do, never feel comfortable, when is far too far, I prefer to be conserative with these things as I always worry going too far.

Even amongst friends is the same but certain friends are more huggy which when they initiate I am fine with, as long as I know the boundaries I am fine.

I doubt this reply much of a help but felt like getting of my chest too. It's clear that your not the only 1 who feels like, you seem to be making steps to rectify this so keep trying to improve and hopefully things will get easier for you

joebhoy1916

cooker3 wrote:

Even amongst friends is the same but certain friends are more huggy which when they initiate I am fine with.

Your jealous becuase your friends are more huggy?

What do you want all your mates to do kiss you and tell you how much they love you?

cooker3

joebhoy1916 wrote:

Your jealous becuase your friends are more huggy?

What do you want all your mates to do kiss you and tell you how much they love you?

Emn no, I never said I was jealous, some are huggy, some aren't.
I don't mind either way as long as I comfortable.