Left out again!

LegacyUser

Im fed up of being "forgotton" about, ignored or just shut out by ALL my friends!
To look at me you'd think i was really confident and popular, lots of different groups of frirends, perfect boyfriend, lovely family but it sickens me how far from the truth it really is.

This particular post follows one incident where a supposdly close friend either forgot or chose not to invite me to a party where our whole group attended. What really upsets me is that 2 days beforhand he was going on about what a great mate i was and how he owed me bigtime for something. I was talking to him online the following day and the party was not mentioned i only discovered today when another friend told me about it.

Its not an isolated incident either. I could show up in town only to ge greeted by a group of my friedns who act estatic to see me...yet i'm always there wondering why i wasn't asked in...

It seems if i want to talk to anyone *I* have to make the phone-call/send the text and no-one knows but it really gets me down!
My friends are brilliant they've been there for me through some terrible times, yet it never seems they want, or rather remeber me for the fun ones...

It's happened with lots of groups who don't even know each other so please don't tell me to get new friends because the problem is me!

I don't get on with my parents at all either. I dread growing up to be like them. They're slaves to everyone and have no close friends to speak of and i can see myself slowly evolving into them an it scare the hell outta me!

As for my boyfriend i love him with all my heart but i'v been really hurt before and i'm terrified he will do it to me too...i guess i just can't trust anyone even myself...I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a complete outcast.

seamus

Are you a generally independent person, or do you make your own plans to do things yourself?

This is similar to myself, though I don't let it bother me. My family does it as well. I've queried everyone on this, and generally there are two answers:

1. You always seem to be busy yourself, we assume you're going to be doing something
2. It was a spur of the moment thing and no-one had heard from you

Basically, to get included more, you need to get in contact more. If you're bored, ring them and see if something is going on. The more you do this, the more they'll think "Oh maybe we better ring so-and-so to see if she wants to come."

Personally when I get bored, I usually find something for myself to do, but I'm good company for me Spending time with onesself mightn't be your cup of tea. Ringing my mates to look for something to do on a Saturday afternoon doesn't usually come into my mind - I can usually find stuff for me to do (go shopping, wash car, etc).

frankyk

Whatever...get over it....sap

Dudess

OP, ignore remarks like the one above. It's obviously attention-seeking.

Your situation sounds like that of a friend of mine. She often complains about not being told about social events. Yet it's totally accidental. The reason she doesn't get told a lot of the time is because she spends all her time with her boyfriend and it's just assumed that she won't be heading out anyway. It's not like people make a conscientious decision not to invite her. It just never occurs to people to let her know because the assumption is there that she's going to be staying in with her boyfriend.
Would that describe you?

Zombrex

Do your friends actually invite other people?

I know groups of people who all invite themselves along to things, in a "so what we doing today?" kinda way, or "oh your having a party, can I come". That is just the way it works. So I would check first that you aren't supposed to be inviting yourself along to these things before you worry. A lot of people are bad at invites, especially when they just assume people will turn up

Beruthiel

frankyk wrote:

Whatever...get over it....sap

bye bye franky

maitri

Or could you talk to them about it?

Little-Devil

I think everyone has being in probably the same situation at one time or another. I was the same back in my teens as i had to do all the chasing when they were doing anything. I decided id be best off with out them and i was, i just stoped calling into them and hanging around them. I was stoped one day and they asked why i was ignoring them and that i never call into them etc. I just basically told them i knewn i wasn't wanted and went about my own business. I got myself a part-time job and made loads of new friends and in the end i didn;t even Acknowledge them walking pass. The strange thing is a few years later we were all back friends and still best of mates today. I remember we were all on the piss and they asked why i suddenly left the group and i told them why and my reasons, they say they never noticed how true that is, i dont know.

The reason they may not invite you is beacuse you say you have a boyfriend and you probably spend alot of time with him, so they just dont bother asking you out? Im not sure tho. My advice would be to confront them and ask them why you are always being the one left out and having to do the chasing all the time,m tell them how you feel, ask them have you done something to upset one of them. I think you would be best of leaving that group and making new friends.TO be honest there not really your friends if there not inviting you to party's etc and i know that may be harsh Why not get yourself a part-time job in a supermarket or retail store, they always have loads of young people working prob around your age as well. The end of the day if you dont confront them and tell them how you feel its just going to carry on and on until you do confront them.

best of luck what ever you decide and let us know, how you go.

Victor

left out again! wrote:

Im fed up of being "forgotton" about, ignored or just shut out by ALL my friends!

I know the feeling, but I've got an invite to chase bridesmaids next week. Your turn will come.

jesus_thats_gre

In my experience, if I have ever forgot to mention something to someone, it was not a conscious decision. I think subconsciously I just know they would say no or back out at the last moment. If someone does this enough I just won't bother asking.

neuro-praxis

I'm friends with a girl whom everyone finds difficult, because she only makes small talk, no matter how long you spend with her or how many years you know her. Coupled with the small talk is a terrible tendency to latch on. Her presence at social situations is difficult, and sometimes she is left out. Similarly another person in my social circle has one topic of conversation and one only - himself. This also means his company is often not that desirable. This may not apply to you at all, but I just thought I would share. There may be nothing wrong with your behaviour at all. You may simply have been really unlucky...similar to Seamus, you might just appear very confident and busy.

As for your boyfriend, he is not any of your previous boyfriends, so you've got to discipline yourself to trust him, even if it's tough. Otherwise, that relationship will fall to bits.

fuzzywiggle

I would doubt that there's anything wrong with you. People are just like that. All you can do is be yourself. If they don't contact you, you contact them! Just get stuck in as much as you can!! They'll realise you want to be with them then and will proabably ask you out more often. I know that when I started going out with my bf, my friends backed off a little as they thought I would always be with him, you know? and they didn't want to be ringing me, one friend in particular just doesn't like being turned down so she just wouldn't ring in case I was with him. Anyway just contact them more..let them know you still want to be with them too

LegacyUser

OP i feel exactly the same! I'm fed up of always having to text people first, fair enough they usually reply, but it's always me who has to contact people etc. also my friends are always saying 'i'm here if you need to talk' etc, but i get down quite a lot (which they know about) and i mightn't text for a while etc. but would they ever think of showing a bit of concern and texting me, even just to say 'hi, how are you'. is that too much to ask? so sorry for ranting/gate crashing your thread without much useful advice, but i just wanted to say that i feel exactly the same if its any consolation!

Azureus

without knowing you it is hard to say, but i know people like this myself and although it is not neccesarily deliberate to 'ignore' or not invite them to everything there are a couple of reasons why they would not be included all the time with group events
1:annoying, overbearing/attention seeking personalities. as nice as they may be, this can just be irritating and even verge on embarrasing sometimes so its not always desirable to have them around for long periods
2;assuming they are busy (due to boyfriends and other commitments) its not intentional exclusion, theres just only so many times that you bother asking and if its a no every time then why keep it up?
3;some people assume they must be invited to everything and i know in my social circle this is not the case. you have to be around and just go spur of the moment for half of the things we get up to, and you must be prepared to try and organise/invite people out yourself from time to time too.
A friend got angry at me a while back for not inviting him out on a saturday but as i reminded him, he has never invited me out on a saturday either! he just assumed i would, so be careful youre not falling into that trap.

i dont know if any of this applys its just my two cents on the topic. As for your boyfriend, just try and let go and enjoy it. dont worry about getting hurt. if you close yourself off in order to protect yourself, you will never experience love to its potential.

Alter-Ego

I had this problem a few years back becasue up until 6th year in school i was more or less a recluse. My friends never seen me as the going out type so they never bothered informing me about night out and stuff. Until i started ringing and aksing what was happening. Now i'm told every time. I never think to ring people who dont usually come out, not on purpose, they just dont come to mind.

secret_squirrel

I've been in this situation too.

You've got to be very careful not to get into a paranoia spiral.

Your mates dont invite you -> You go off on one -> your mates start avoiding you.

Rinse lather and repeat.

You need to realise that all mates need space from each other sometimes. And you need space from them whether you realise it or not. It makes meeting up again less of the same old same old.

Expand your interests and your circle of friends. Worrying about it too much will just make you even more insecure.