again with the warnings if you are offendable

Capt'n Midnight

Question: What do you call the small rivers that flow into the Nile River?
Answer: Juveniles.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

"Hello, is this the Fire Department?" "Yes." "My house is on fire -- you have to get here right away!" "Okay, how do we get to your house?" "You don't have those big red trucks anymore?"


A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After a while, the hotel manager came out and asked them to disperse, explaining, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Darth Vader: LUKE SKYWALKER, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS.
Luke: How do you know?
Darth Vader: I FELT YOUR PRESENTS.

"I was in Mer Sea , Australia, recently and was served tea made from the hair of a koala bear." "You're kidding! How was it?" "Oh, it was awful. It was filled with koala hair!" "Well, you know, the koala tea of Mer Sea is not strained."

A guy goes to his doctor, who has bad news for him. "I'm sorry to say that you have a fatal disease." "Oh, that's awful! I want a second opinion!" "OK, you're ugly too!"


A guy calls his doctor and says, "Doc, I broke my arm in two places! What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Well, I certainly wouldn't go back to either of those places."


This guy bought a book titled "How to Hug." Only after he gets home does he realize it's part of an enclycopedia.

Question: Why did the dog cross the road twice?
Answer: He was trying to fetch a boomerang.


A guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while visiting his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu, he tells the waiter, "I'll have the Eggs Benedict." When his order comes, it's served on a large, shiny hubcap. The customer asks, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter replies, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"


Questions: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Two -- one to change it, and one not to change it.

A guy goes into a bookstore and asks the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She replies, "If I told you that, it would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?"

A guy complains to his psychiatrist that he's been having strange dreams. "One night I dream I'm a Porsche, the next night I dream I'm a Trans Am -- every night, I'm some kind of sports car. It's really starting to get to me." The psychiatrist responds, "Relax, you're just having an auto-body experience."


A patient says to his doctor, "You've got to help me. I keep think I'm going goofy , then the next night I dream I'm Mickey Mouse. What's going on?" The doctor replies, "That's very interesting -- how long have you been having these disney spells?"

A guy goes to his doctor for a check-up. After conducting a thorough examination, the doctor says, "I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time left." "Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" asks the patient. "Ten," says the doctor. "Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" the patient asks desparately. The doctor continues, "...nine, eight, seven...."

A guy rushes into his doctor's office and shouts, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responds, "Please settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Question: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.


A guy once entered a pun contest. He send in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. But no pun in ten did.

Customer: Could I have a Game Boy for my son?
Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't do exchanges


Patient: Doc, I think my tonsils need to be taken out.
Doctor: Fine, I'll make the reservations -- dinner and a movie OK?


Two guys were discovered shouting "together! together!" in the woods. When asked what they were doing, one of the guys responded, "we were lost, and we thought we'd have a better chance of being found if we yelled together."


A man calls the hospital, saying frantically, "My wife is in labor -- please send an ambulance!" The nurse tells the man to relax and asks, "Is this her first child?" The man responds, "No! This is her husband!"


A guy goes to his doctor complaining that his arm hurts. The doctor rolls up the guy's sleeve and is surprised to hear the Arm say, "Hi, doctor, could you lend me $20? I'm desperate!" The doctor turns to his patient and says, "I see the problem -- your arm is broke!"

Question: What happens when you through a grenade into a kitchen in France? Answer: You get Linoleum Blownapart!


Question: What do you call a short fortune-teller who escapes from prison? Answer: A small medium at large!

Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't straighten her pupils out!


Question: Why do heroes wear big shoes? Answer: Because of their amazing feats!


Just as a surgeon was finishing an operation, his patient woke up and demanded to close his own incision. The surgeon shrugged, handed him the needle, and said, "suture self"?

Driving to work, a guy had to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting a box that fell off a truck in front of him. The box broke open, spilling its contents -- a supply of carpet tacks -- all over the road. A police trooper who witnessed the event approached the driver and said, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked, "What for?" The trooper replied, "tacks evasion."


Did you hear about the woman who was dating a tractor salesman? They broke up when she wrote him a John Deere letter.


A young man facing a murder charge decided to bribe a kindly-looking juror to hold out for a manslaughter verdict. After a long trial and and even longer jury deliberation, the jury indeed returned a verdict of manslaughter. Before being led off to prison, the young man had a moment to talk with the juror he'd bribed. "Thank you so much," he said. "How did you do it?" The juror replied, "it wasn't easy. They all wanted to acquit you!"


In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

Question: What do you call a Computer Network in Australia? Answer: The LAN down under!


Patient: Doctor, I think I've turned into a pair of curtains. Doctor: Pull yourself together, man!


Question: What time is it when Sir Lancelot looks at his belly button? Answer: The middle of the Knight!

Question: How do you define "plateau"?
Answer: It's a high form of flattery!

Did you hear about the eye doctor who moved to Alaska?
He's now an optical Aleutian

First baker: That's great bread -- can I have the recipe?
Second baker: Sorry, but I only share that on a knead to know basis.

If a parsley farmer goes bankrupt, can they garnish his wages?


"Why do they bother saying 'raw' sewage? Do some people cook that stuff?"


Question: What would you get if all the cars in the United States were red?
Answer: A red car nation!

"While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault, the guy came out of nowhere."


"Somewhere on the globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."

"One good reason to maintain only a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim."


Question: How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
Answer: A buccaneer

Question: What do you call a camel without a hump?
Answer: Humphrey.

Why can't a scientist tell a joke timing.

RefulgentGnomon

Bravo!

Capt'n Midnight

A single father and his 6 month old baby are sitting in the doctors waiting room. The baby is crying its lungs out. A concerned women cannot take it any longer and while walking upto the baby she can smell the reason for the baby's distress:
-Sir, I think your baby needs a new nappy.
And when she unvails the baby she notices this dighper ready to burst.
-Sir, this nappy should have been changed days ago!
The father replies:
-Do you know how much these things cost? Anyway on the packet it says: upto 5 kilograms.


# Sex in your 20's - 30's: Tri-weekly
# Sex in your 40's - 50's: Try weekly
# Sex in your 60's - 70's: Try weakly


Q: How do you make a dog drink ?
A: Put it in a blender.


O.J. Simpson bought a knife
And turned it on his second wife;
Then told her, as the blade withdrew,
"Your waiter will be right with you."


Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino!



Mary had a little lamb,
and a little duck.
She put them on the mantlepiece,
To see if they would..............play.


BOEING, Bits Of Engines In Neighbours Gardens
BOAC, Better Off on A Camel

Capt'n Midnight

Little Johnny misses a day at school.
He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.
"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned"
"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"
"Well Miss, they don't mess about at the crematorium"


Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he
is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around
the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play
A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."


There's always light at the end of the tunnel. Unless you're agoraphobic.

A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. Unless you're diabetic.



I was at a cash machine the other day,and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance... So I pushed her over.

county

you are on a roll

Plug

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

A single father and his 6 month old baby are sitting in the doctors waiting room. The baby is crying its lungs out. A concerned women cannot take it any longer and while walking upto the baby she can smell the reason for the baby's distress:
-Sir, I think your baby needs a new nappy.
And when she unvails the baby she notices this dighper ready to burst.
-Sir, this nappy should have been changed days ago!
The father replies:
-Do you know how much these things cost? Anyway on the packet it says: upto 5 kilograms.

My favourite one;)

fuzzywiggle

Stevie Wonder one made me laugh!

also this one

A man calls the hospital, saying frantically, "My wife is in labor -- please send an ambulance!" The nurse tells the man to relax and asks, "Is this her first child?" The man responds, "No! This is her husband!"

TerrorFirmer

Best ones are the "Darth Vader" and the "Little Patient" jokes. Brilliant posting though!

Oriel

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

I was at a cash machine the other day,and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance... So I pushed her over.

Heard that recently. very funny