How do you tell someone that they are dying?

CathyMoran

One of my relatives wants to tell my mum the truth that not only that she is not getting better but that she is dying (she had a massive brain haemorrage 1.5 years ago). I do not think that she should be told but wonder what anyone else thinks (she is severly brain damaged). Also, if we do go ahead and tell her, how do we tell her? There is a possibility of further brain surgery but as she is so severly brain damaged and the surgery in itself carries risk, none of us think that it would be a good idea and we are not sure if she is up to making the decision herself.

biko

First of all I'm really sorry to hear about your ma.
Perhaps you should speak to her doctor? They are usually more used to this and I'm sure the doctor could help you break the news.

My opinion is to do it in stages. First break it gently that she may not recover and then that it may even cause death. Remember that hope is the last thing to leave a person and that anything (even a miracle) can happen...

randomname2005

Sorry to hear about your mum, thats really awful.

I would have to agree with biko, talking to the doc is probably the best bet, they can tell you how to go about doing it, whether just you or the family should be there.

Maybe im reading the message wrongly, but if you dont want to tell your mum, or feel your mum wouldnt want to be told I dont think its fair for you to be put under that pressure by your relatives.

I hope it all works out for you,
R

Grem

Ill second what randomname 2005 said and say that if you dont want to tell your mum and scare her then dont. Personally if i was possibly going to die id like to know. To have the chance to say goodbye to my family.

Although given that there is already severe brain damage would your mum even register what you are telling her?

Its a horrible situation for you to have to deal with, i hope ur have a supportive group of friends/relatives to help you through this.

Black Swan

There are some books on this topic. One I believe is called On Death and Dying. I am thinking the author is K. Ross, but not sure. Read parts of it awhile back. Discussed how to break the news and what people go through after they find out. Research-based, but well written and understandable to a person not familiar with research.

Asiaprod

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear this sad news, you will be in my thoughts.
I also think nothing should be done without first consulting her doctor. He is the professional and will be able to give you the correct advice. One must take the patient into account on this issue, not just what others think should be done. Let nobody push you on this issue, speak to the Doc first, she is after all under the doctors care.

BeardyGit

Hi Cathy,

All I can add is that you're probably best off getting in touch with the social worker in your local hospital to ask them for some help in getting your head around everything.

One of my close friends, a young woman in her mid twenties, helps people work through tough times like these by providing honest helpful advice when people just don't know how to deal with things. I had always thought social workers would be interfering and hardline types, but she's truly compassionate about everything she does professionally. From what I can see, most of the new breed are just the same.

Maybe you wouldn't be into the idea but it's worth a shot, even if it just gives you a chance to talk it through with someone who has chosen a career that involves tackling such a tough time in anyones life. They're there to help. I guess they're almost like a councellor of sorts....

Best wishes to all of you,

Gil

Wing Walker

Cathy, I'm sorry for your troubles. It's a difficult decision to make. In my experience, it really depends on the person that the situation is affecting. Some people want to know exactly what is going on and they feel better that way. For others, ignorance is bliss. I'm sure you family know your mam. What do you think she would want?

You say that she's suffered brain damage. As Grem said, would it even register? As a family, you've got to weigh up both sides of it and make a decision. I know that's what we did but it still wasn't easy in the end. I hope it works out for you.

Best wishes.

dudara

One thing that comes to mind, is how older people want to make their peace with God before they pass on. The sacraments become very important to them. I don't know if your mother is capable of registering this however. Again, I would recommend talking to the doctor or social worker.

GuanYin

Really sorry to hear about your mother.

There isn't an easy way to do it and everyone takes it differently (as everyone takes all bad news differently).

I think the answer is a really personal one and I hope yo already know what you are doing and just want to think aloud here.

In any case, I would view the situation as being dependant on what the patient gains from such an action. If they are in full control of their mental health then obviously they will want to put their affairs in order, prepare their family and friends and engage in any personal or religious affairs they require.

In the case of someone who isn't in full mental health, the balance must be weighed between what good it would do versus how much it would distress the person. This has mostly got to do with how aware they are and how much reasoning they can do. If someone may not understand the impact or be able to deal with it (judged by reactions to other strong emotions) then maybe it wouldn't be best. I think if you haven't made yoru mind up, a professional councellor would be your best bet for guidance.

SarahMc

Cathy, I second what PSI has posted. But also, is your dad with you, this is really his call, both as her next of kin, but also as her life partner who knows her best.