One for the lads

Tom Dunne

:d

biko

Old but I like that women are spelled "wimin"

Donegal Lass

a tad sexist perhaps????

GLaDOS

Donegal Lass wrote:

a tad sexist perhaps????

It's a humour forum :rolleyes:

powermac

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c95/dimeoflame/CraigHEADSmainpage.jpg

Donegal Lass

Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Bonds Mature.

Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

A. What did God say after creating man?
Q. I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or
not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

Q. What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A. A man's undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Q. How is a man like a snowstorm?
A. Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll
get, or how long it'll stay.

Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the **** out of you.

Q. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A. A tourist.

Q. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A. To keep them from grazing.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person
who makes all their decisions.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A. Because they already have boyfriends.

Q. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
A. He had it bronzed.

Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.

Q. What is gross stupidity?
A. 144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to
put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

A. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
Q. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
A. Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake
the stove.

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a £500 car and put a £4000 stereo in it.

Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
"how sad - a dead bird."
The other man looked up and said, "where?"

Q. Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
A. To keep the swelling down.

Creamy Goodness

jesus someone took this VERY seriously :rolleyes:

hottstuff

Down with this sort of thing!!!!!!!!!!!

Donegal Lass

haha!!!


hey now, HUMOUR forum???!!!

EWheelChair

A Mayo man and a Donegal woman both apply for a job. There is only one opening so they are both made sit an exam.

At the end of the exam a man comes out and tells them that they both got the exact same score; 99%. But that they had decided to give the job to the Mayo man.. The Donegal woman is very distressed about this and starts ranting on..

"Everytime i come down from Donegal to get a job in the south, i'm always met with the same type of discrimination, how can you give it to him if we both got the same score?"

To which the man replied..

"Well you both got the same question wrong, question 56. The Mayo man answered with "I don't know" and YOU wrote "Me either""

Donegal Lass

ha thats quite funny but have a feelin you changed d joke round coz iv heard it before!!

biko

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

jobonar

hehe great thread!

Zulu

Donegal Lass wrote:

haha!!! hey now, HUMOUR forum???!!!:.....

:rolleyes: The curse of the Femnazi's.

Donegal Lass

love that last joke!! class haha




What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.



What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.



Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.



Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.



How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.



How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.



How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.



How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.



How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.



How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.



How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.



How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.



What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.



What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

Any place without a drive-up window.



What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.



Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.



What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

Exchange him.



What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.



What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.



What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.



What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?

Big Foot's been spotted several times.



What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says...."



Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can understand them.



Why did God create man before woman?

Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.



Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.



Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.



Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.



Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

GAAman

Donegal Lass wrote:

Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

What do you call a blonde female threadjacker who repeats the same crap jokes?

Donegal Lass

Donegal Lass

OOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!:eek:

bitchy!!

anymore contributions to this thread or you have to wait till someone else makes an effort then have a go at them????

ha:D

Donegal Lass

PS: F.Y.I. I aint blonde- used to be but have artificial intelligence now!!!!

So Glad

hottstuff wrote:

Down with this sort of thing!!!!!!!!!!!

Carefull now!

Donegal Lass

now now, only havin a laugh on the humour forum!! haha

Tom Dunne

Well I seemed to have hit a nerve with that one.

Donegal Lass

HAHA not a chance...............

my comment was taken far too seriously at the start so thought id wind everyone up!!!

d laughs on d lads!!!!:D

mysterious

Donegal Lass wrote:

HAHA not a chance...............

my comment was taken far too seriously at the start so thought id wind everyone up!!!

d laughs on d lads!!!!:D

HAHAHAahhaahhah ....................................................

Ehem, I thought that was another joke

Damn:( :rolleyes: ... I take things to seriously.

Donegal Lass

YEA LIGHTEN UP!!!:D

GAAman

To clarify i wasnt havin a go at you Donegal Lass twas all in jest

Donegal Lass

I kno, i take nothin seriously, just like windin people up!!

All is well, and wont take no crap from derry man anyways!!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

Brother To God

exellent thread!! battle of the sexes in the humour slot !!

Donegal Lass

OF COURSE........................

you have to leave it to women to get the entertainment goin!!!!:D

biko

Aw, go on - give some Donegal vs Derry jokes

Donegal Lass

You'v done the work already matey...........

your joke was in your request- DERRY!!!:D

GAAman

Donegal Lass wrote:

I kno, i take nothin seriously, just like windin people up!!

All is well, and wont take no crap from derry man anyways!!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

Last man (yes i know) to call me a derry man got a swollen jaw for their troubles

mysterious

Donegal Lass wrote:

YEA LIGHTEN UP!!!:D

Wow, Women your read too much into things...:D

god everything you say is a joke.. ahahhahahah haha

god you wind me up so much,:rolleyes:

biko

GAAman wrote:

Last man (yes i know) to call me a derry man got a swollen jaw for their troubles

I don't get it, is it LONDON/derry or DUBLIN/derry ?
Jumps for cover...

GAAman

*replaces cover with barb wire meshed attack dogs*

Donegal Lass

mysterious wrote:

Wow, Women your read too much into things...:D

god everything you say is a joke.. ahahhahahah haha

god you wind me up so much,:rolleyes:

sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but as i take everythin as a joke, il let you away wit it!:D

Donegal Lass

GAAman wrote:

Last man (yes i know) to call me a derry man got a swollen jaw for their troubles

awwww!!! i get it, so your a big hard derry man, ha those kind are so rare!!????:D

Fuzzy_Dunlop

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2004/i_feminists-p1.php

Donegal Lass

haha...

genius, where were you yesterday!!!haha:D

ThE_IVIAcIVIAIV

Cremo wrote:

jesus someone took this VERY seriously :rolleyes:

-

Donegal Lass

calm down man- humour forum is for humour- not to vent anger!
that aint wat i was doin!!:D

mysterious

Donegal Lass wrote:

sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but as i take everythin as a joke, il let you away wit it!:D

If you like winding people up what are you doing in Donegal.. it's rather isolated:)

Apologies for the sarcasm. I'll be a little bit more considerate to your feelings:D

Brother To God

If Donegal lass ever goes down the street and mets someone she suspects of posting in this thread she will more than likely beat them to death with a smile on her face and call it humour ,a dark,dark twisted humour!

Donegal Lass

not at all,no beatin! but there would be a few surprises if i met anyone postin on this thread haha!!:D

Donegal Lass

mysterious wrote:

If you like winding people up what are you doing in Donegal.. it's rather isolated:)

Apologies for the sarcasm. I'll be a little bit more considerate to your feelings:D

its clear by your location that you're very proud of where you came from!!!:D

biko

Hey, maybe if we all try really hard to be mean we can get this thread moved to the Thunderdome?

Donegal Lass

i doubt much persuasion would be needed!!:rolleyes:

mysterious

Donegal Lass wrote:

its clear by your location that you're very proud of where you came from!!!:D

Is it.....:D I'm proud... ooooh I'm humourous.

duridian

All this male vs. female stuff got me thinking about the picture of a hermaphrodite I saw the other day.
http://img372.imageshack.us/img372/6162/ew8qr.jpg :eek: