funny quotes said by friends

blocparty

just post up funny comments your friends have said.

ill get the ball rolling:
"i wouldnt classify homosexuals as being gay!" - classic

when asked why phones have a vibrate feature:
"its so deaf people know when their phone is ringing"
(just think bout it!)

aidan_walsh

You don't have funny friends. Not even Seinfeld "funny".

monkeyfudge

"Who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my house?!?"

That one cracked me up...

blocparty

they werent trying to be funny! they were trting to look smart and put across a good point but that blew up in their face. making their comments funny

sturgo

My mate is a classic!

He insisted that Lynx is in-fact an anti-deodorant and not an anti-persperant.

He was cheating in an exam once, and instead of writing his own name on the exam paper, he wrote down the name of the bloke he was copying off.

The other week he told me that they were building a "new Dundrum" down the road from his house. This went on for about 5 minutes. I didn't know what the hell he was on about. Later I discovered he actually meant Dunnes Stores, not Dundrum.

tuxy

blocparty wrote:

when asked why phones have a vibrate feature:
"its so deaf people know when their phone is ringing"
(just think bout it!)

A some deaf person getting a text message? I don't get it

Fajitas!

"I'm not drunk, I'm wearing my converse" is a favourite of mine.

blocparty

excellent point! but his claim was that it was for calls! my mom also made the very same comment when i asked why american house phones have the little red light that flashes when it rings

Bartronilic

I don't know why I found it so funny but once a friend said (names changed): "John was a grandad before he was pregnant". You had to be there at the time. What he meant to say was "John was a grandad before he was born" because this John guy is such a man w****.

azezil

"say nothing, and keep repeating it"

Pepe LeFrits

'You're a dickhead.'

you had to be there

Diarmsquid

When everyone in class had to name a fruit (TY, yeah, yeah...), and fruits were running short.
"eh... FIGROLL!"

He wasn't even joking.

The Song Thrush

"Oh look, I found an American euro!"

"I thought Lapland was a made-up place, like Kuala Lumpur...?"

"Pharmacology? I didn't know you liked farms..."

steviem

sturgo wrote:

My mate is a classic!
He was cheating in an exam once, and instead of writing his own name on the exam paper, he wrote down the name of the bloke he was copying off.

Please tell me yor having a laugh, what a kn***ead!!!!

rainbow kirby

"Duplex. It's like Leisureplex, but with Jews."

"I wonder does porn look better on Mac OS X?"

"Women, grab your penises"

"Everything I know about women I learned from smilies"

Oh yes, I have nerdy friends.

Katykaboom

"Wait, he's circumcised? Does that mean he can't have kids"?

Thats what a ridiculous amount of vodka will to a girl who got 540 in her lc.

sinjin_smythe

"Im not homophobic, im not afraid of my house "

humanji

My mates mum is quite religious and made him read the bible one day, after which he told us, "That God is one vengeful mother f***er!"

jaggeh

"Thats glad im watched that"

tman

said by a drunk friend years ago - "you homo sapiens"
everyone just looked at him for a second and then burst out laughing:p

Spalk0

Ok, my mate said this to me on the train "Next year, i plan to be 6 feet tall":rolleyes: ....muppet

Years ago a mate who aint the smartest couldnt figure out petrol names so he went to the station and said "Can i have a fivers worth of Super Duper please...." nuff said but the attendant played along

Me and my mate walking up the street and we saw a dead cat on the road!normally it aint something to laugh about but when he goes "ahhh.....thats cat aint it?..." i really couldnt help myself!

Slaanesh

This was a "you had to be there" moment. My brother and a few mates of mine were drinking down the local. My brother is a small fellah with glasses and looks kinda nerdy, his mate is about 6´4", lives, eats, drinks and smells GAA. He's built like a brick sh1t house.

So this GAA guy Conor is ripping the piss out of my bro. He calmly sits there taking it until Conor stops talking. Then he quitely replies, "Conor .... pick a window."

Yeah, it was definitely a had to be there moment.

Bard

tman wrote:

said by a drunk friend years ago - "you homo sapiens"
everyone just looked at him for a second and then burst out laughing:p

I called the school bully a 'homo sapien' once on the bus going home ... with hilarious consequences.

He took massive offence and threatened to beat me up after school the following day.

Oddly enough, he'd forgotten about his threat, the next day

shoutman

We were getting chinese and a friend of mine was asking what she should order. Someone suggested that the duck was very nice. She replied "no I hate fish"!?!?!?!!?!

Miss Fluff

Who's coat is that jacket?

macnas

Two quotes from the same friend, 'Walkie Talkies would be great, imagine if you had two of them' and while out camping he was asked, what if this tent caught fire during the night, he replied 'I couldn't give a sh*te.......... It's not mine'.

CoolGuy2006

My mate said

"Aidan Walsh is the Brad Pitt of Irish media"


HE was trying to tell a girl who had never heard of him before how relevant he is in Ireland. He was totally serious which scares me :-(

for anyone who doesnt know who Aidan is, check http://www.aidanwalsh.com/

the whole year inn

heres a few

"Im not stupid, I know the days of the week but I just dont know what day it is"

Talking about where they worked in dunnes
Friend 1 "I worked in the womens department"
Friend 2 "Yea , I worked in Womens clothes aswell"

Customer asking friend where he worked in Dunnes
Customer "Do you work in Shoes"
Friend "Have to its an Help and Safty Issue"

Keep that under your nose

He is riding him like a cow

more just cant remember right now

james

fuzzywiggle

Talking about Fm104's The Word, I said to my friend, ''the second word is a plural, what do you think it is?'' Friend says ''Oh..right..eh....several?''

Package

my mate gaz is a walking comedy of one-liners..

he has **** loads of them, ill write them all down and post later,....

one or two are

"see a penny, pick it up, throw it over your shoulder"
"thats a sex on legs car"
"there are gremlins living in my sterio"
"i wonder if some humans are aliens"

Cianos

"Hmm...whats the best way I can get Kev to shut up, with as little effort as possible" ... "Shut up Kev"

Oh, and describing some Ginger beer drink he took a gulp of and nearly choked on it because it was so rotten;

"I sounded like a Teradactyl dying"

doriansmith

My friend once asked me "Does your granny have kids?"

It took her a while to realise why I was laughing

Mushy

He was cheating in an exam once, and instead of writing his own name on the exam paper, he wrote down the name of the bloke he was copying off.

Wow! Not the best of cheaters then

My cousin once said, on some random day in June, "What day is tomorrow...August?" What is scariest is that he wasnt tryin to be funny and there was no drink involved! Maybe ya had to be there but its good

Kolodny

I was at a party once with my friend Steve and the dj was playing the most cheesy monotonous trance we'd ever heard so Steve shouted over to him "Here, DJ Cul-de-sac, that tune's going nowhere!"

Peter Collins

The brother comes home one night as I'm having me dinner

he says "what's that? looks nice

I says "It's an omelette"

"What's in it?"

"Bacon, potato, onions..."

"Sounds nice...what else?"

"Eh ...eggs"

He says "Ugh,....don't like eggs" and walks off

Genghiz Cohen

sitting down in the cinema to watch "the hills have eyes"
friend leans over as the movie starts, "is this a scary movie?"
when later questioned about it, "i thought it was gonna be a courtroom thriller!"
appearently he missed the 3 yard long posters covering the wall on the way.

Victor

blocparty wrote:

excellent point! but his claim was that it was for calls! my mom also made the very same comment when i asked why american house phones have the little red light that flashes when it rings

Thats for people with hearing aids.

Victor

"Two hamburgers, three chips and a breast of chicken, no nipples."

Tar.Aldarion

I have no firends so there are no quotes.

When I went into teh food carraige on a train a while back, paused for a minute and randomly said 'What.. is your duck of the day?' people didn't stop laughing for ten minutes, I think I made a funny.

dermo88

With a bunch of friends in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, and I decided to play a viscious practical joke on the barman in my regular haunt.

"Can I have some fresh ice please, not frozen".

After 10 minutes, he was still looking around the other outlets in the area to get some fresh ice, until we told him what was going on, and gave him the price of a beer.

Dun laoire

I was in a boookies around the chelthenham festival. The bookies was full of punters and midway through the race it was fairly quiet and out of nowhere some bloke screams at the top of his voice "run ya hairy bast4rd". The whole bookies broke their sh1te laughing. Your man was well p1ssed off,. He sounded like a man under pressure and needed a win big time.

Not really a quote but it was funny at the time.

Hugh Hefner

rainbow kirby wrote:

"Duplex. It's like Leisureplex, but with Jews."

"I wonder does porn look better on Mac OS X?"

"Women, grab your penises"

"Everything I know about women I learned from smilies"

ROFLMFAO! Especially the second one.

Dun laoire

Myself and a collegue where on the work one morning and we stopped off at centra to get a bit of breakfast. He asked the girl behind the counter if the sausage rolls where second hand:D She looked at him like he'd ten heads

uncle ernie

female mate of ours asked "whats al pacinos first name"!

cookiemonst3r

Are people from Switzerland Switzerlandish??

Why isn't America in the E.U.??

Terry

asking a friend what her new boyfriend worked at.
"he's an engineer"
what type of engineer?
"he fixes engines"

rsta

my friend lost her mobile, we just about ready to head out for the night, she was all in a panic to find it, it was in the house somewhere, so i said ok i'll ring your mobile now... she says 'no whats the point, sure i won't be able to answer it'.......... :rolleyes: true story

Terry

not so much a quote. more of a prank really.
a few years back a friend of mine worked for a portaloo/portacabin company (company A). his brother worked for their main competitors (company . the brother isn't the sharpest tool in the box.
around that time there was a lot of talk about manned missions to mars.
me and my friend told his brother that company A had got the contract to build the living quarters on mars. the brother went to his boss with this news and insisted that they should put in a competetive bid in order to secure such a lucrative contract. his boss got onto the owner of company A instantly to find out who had made up this story as he wanted to thank them for giving him such a good laugh.

same guy got drunk one night and began telling everyone that he was "locutus le borg". those pesky french and their plans to assimilate humanity.
\
same guy again. arrested for picking up a hooker. told the cops that he was just giving her a lift home. there was no way her was soliciting sex as he was gay. that one made the front page of the sunday world, much to the embarassment of his family. he is now married and has 1 child.

give me a while, i could write a book on his stupidity.

Silverfish

"I'm not as drunk as you thinkle peep I am" then tripped over an armchair and stayed down.

RefulgentGnomon

"Two hamburgers, three chips and a breast of chicken, no nipples."

ROFL Harris
LMAO Zedong

natter

In supermacs after a night out
"Can I have a please burger cheese" I was standing beside him and took me ages to figure out why that didnt sound right

On of my own, and shamefully there was no drink involved it just came out when we were talking about what we put in porridge.
"I like rasins in context but not in porridge"