Should I tell fiancée about prostitute

LegacyUser

I am in a happy relationship and plan to get married next year. My fiancée thinks she knows everything about me but there is one thing I haven't told her and that is about 10 years ago I had sex with a prostitute. I didn't plan on ever telling here but recently we were talking about how we are totally honest with one another and I feel really guilty ever since as I am keeping this from her. A couple of my friends know about this and I am also worried that sooner or later one of them will let the cat out of the bag when they are drunk or something.

What should I do?

Limerick Dude

Well is it likely that she will find out from one of your friends? and this prostitute thing happen before you were with her?
i think you should tell her, though be nice about it, get her alone and just tell it to her gently, though im not sure how women would react to this.....

py2006

Well you are only really being "dishonest" with her if you told her that you have never been with a prostitute!

If this is 10 years ago then its more than likely an event that happened before you two got together?? Well then there shouldn't be much of a problem! Tell her if you want to but it really shouldn't make a difference!

I am sure there are moments from her history that she has chosen not to share with you.

Ehm.
As long as you didn't catch anything from the prostitute, I'm not sure it's that big a deal.
Personally speaking, I'd want to know but I don't think she'll flip out if you didn't tell her...

seamus

It's really only something which needs to be divulged if:

1. It happened during your relationship
2. She has particularly strong views on prostitutes, such that it would be an issue
3. She has expressed an interest in knowing about every woman you ever slept with.

MrPinK

dishonest_guy wrote:

I didn't plan on ever telling here but recently we were talking about how we are totally honest with one another and I feel really guilty ever since as I am keeping this from her.

Being honest is not lying about it if she asks. It doesn't mean you have to tell her everything stupid thing you have ever done over the course of your lifetime. If you once kicked a midget, or stole a kid's bike, she doesn't need to know that either.

crosstownk

I'd just forget about the whole thing. Say nothing. Let it go Louie!!! Does it really matter that much? Tell you mates not to mention it again - EVER!

takola

gotta agree with bluewolf! as long as you havent caught anything from her and it was before your fiancee, it really isnt that big a deal! But its obviously bugging you so maybe for your own sake you should just tell her, explain to her that you've been reluctant to tell her but you didnt want to keep secrets. Im sure she'll understand!

Sony

nooooooooooo dont do it - she doesnt need to know about this, leave this where it belongs-in your past!!

seriously dont let it bother you-it was so long ago,you were so much younger and things were so much different...i very much doubt your fiance will appreciate hearing this and Im sure she loves you enough to understand why you never told her this if it was to happen that she found out elsewhere

Supercell

No, think about this, you are about to commit to someone for the rest of your natural years, presumably because you feel you and her are a great match. Wtf will this add??...nothing is the answer..
Tell her when you and her are old and wrinkly and you have shag all else to talk about bar the knitting she is doing for your grandson.
Live for today, yesterday is already gone.

cupsoftea

Agree with sony, no way ever tell her. It IS a big deal. I'm not sure what her view on prostitutes are but no matter how she feels she is not going to respect you for it.

Also go get yourself checked for STD's now. Some have no symptoms in men but are very dangerous to women's health. If you have slept with a prostitute you have to expect that you may have caught something and you don't need to pass this on to your future wife.

If she does find out some other way, I'm sure she'll understand why you didn't tell her. It will be the sleeping with a prostitute not the not telling her bit that will probably have your ass on the footpath. (well if you were my fiance- hopefully your fiancee is more understanding about these things!)

bounty_hunter

Don't tell her. She won't appreciate knowing it, even if she appears to appreciate that you told her. She really doesn't need to know.
As long as it happened before you began your relationship with her then it really is of no relevance whatsoever, unless she specifically asks if you've ever slept with a prostitute and you answer no.

I'm willing to bet she has plenty of little things she doesn't particularly want to tell you about that happened before you were together.
You're not being dishonest by not disclosing such a thing to her, unless, like I said, she specifically asks you something which would involve lying about it.

Selik

I haven't really read any of the replies as I'm in the middle of cooking something but my advice would be to definitely not tell her. She has no reason to know and depending on her background/morals/beliefs it could completely backfire to your severe detriment. Other than that it would also appear to be a slightly selfish thing to do as well. ie you'll be getting something off your chest once and for all but she's getting something completely different. The only exception I would make is if she asks you directly have you ever been with a hooker. Even then though the better thing would be to just tell a white lie and that would the end of it. Unless she knows/suspects already.

Besides, it's not that big a deal anyway...

takethebiscuit

I disagree with absolutely everybody....the reason the OP is thinking about it is because he wants to get it off his chest. It's horrible to have something nagging away in your brain, but it's not like you murdered someone, so I'd say it's okay to be selfish in this instance and let it out. I would tell her, but I'd frame it in a certain way at first, kind of slipping in that you didn't realise she was a prostitute....and, god.....she asked you for money! (that kind of thing). Then in a year or so, when it comes up again and you're both laughing about it, you could say that you had a feeling at the back of your mind that she was a prostitute. A bit of tactful finessing. We're only human.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. I was with this prostitute way before I met my girl so that's not an issue.

Let me ask the question another way, and this is for the girls to respond to only please...

...If your bloke, who you were planning to marry, slept with a hooker (before he met you) would you rather he told you or would you prefer to never find out about it? Do you think your feelings towards him would change? Would you lose some respect for him? Would it be enough to cause you to break up with him?

bug

Honestly you're the only one that knows the answer to that question. You know her, and you can guess what her reaction might be according to her beliefs etc.

you're obviously worried about it.

ten years ago is a long time. I'd imagine someone who was going to marry you wouldn't judge you on it, (she might be a little surprised), unless she has a serious moral issue about it.

Once you were safe and/or tested. I'd say there will be follow up questions though . If you're so worried that your posting on an internet forum then tell her for your own piece of mind. To be honest it will be a nice little indicator of "for better or worse". Hardly murder now is it?

But yeah, expect follow up questions....:D

simu

I'd like to know but because I'm curious about that sort of thing (tm), not because I'd get annoyed. As others have said, though, it really depends on the person - some might freak out about it and bring it up in every argument and that would be quite a pain.

Willymuncher

Well its a long time ago, you weren't with your fiancee at the time and you are clean, I'd say to forget about it....let it be a piece of your past that will never be spoken of again (hopefully your mates will do the same).

athena 2000

seamus wrote:

It's really only something which needs to be divulged if:

1. It happened during your relationship
2. She has particularly strong views on prostitutes, such that it would be an issue
3. She has expressed an interest in knowing about every woman you ever slept with.

I would say the same as Seamus. But if item 3 above reflects her personality then you might have a real issue. Doing questionable or unwise things when you're 20 is different than when you're 30, unless you're the type that doesn't care to grow up - then that would be sad.

If she asks, be honest. If I was a man, I wouldn't say anything about it unless I was asked point blank - then I'd discuss it briefly. Your fiancée can't absolve you from your past so why confess things that are old and done with. You aren't the person you were 10 years ago, right?

shinners007

im a girl!!!! and if it was my BF id rather he told me himself just so that no secrets pop out of the bag so to speak.
the op is obviously concerned/guilty that the issue is playing on his mind.

i personally would be a little offended if i found out from someone else and my BF nevr mentioned it- wats the big deal it happened years ago.

tell ur GF and if she loves u for who u are and the courage it took to say it than it wont be an issue and it wont be playing on ur mind.

if however she's the type to flip her lip and theres a risk uve to ask ur self is she worth loosing over something that happened so long ago but then again ask ur self if a mate slips up and tell her wat is the risk of loosing her then??? higher id say as it came from someone else.

basically only u no your girl well enough to decide wat to do if u love her to bits decide wats best for yer relationship in the long term taking feelings/reactions/beliefs into account.

good luck with wat ever u decide.

MarkR

Phrase it as a one night stand?

Hagar

If you admit the incident, which there is absolutely no need to as it is ancient history, you will have it thrown up at you in every argument you have with her from now until the day you die.

Peace

MarkR wrote:

Phrase it as a one night stand?

... and when you woke up the next day there was a load of money missing from your wallet.

To be honest I can only see downsides to telling her about the hooker. It happened way in the past and shouldn't have a bearing on your relationship.

Will she have the same respect for you as a person if she knows about it. This "we're so honest with each other" melarky will wear off someday and then she'll be left with a guy who sleeps with hookers...

Sorry to be so blunt but as you can see i'm defo against the idea.

Beruthiel

honestly
it happened 10 years ago!
if she ever did find out, tell her you'd completely forgotten.
I doubt anyone would hold something like that against you, different time, different person and nothing to do with your present relationship.
seriously, no biggie.
I'm of the belief that anything I did before I met you is my business.

CoolGuy2006

Beruthiel wrote:

I'm of the belief that anything I did before I met you is my business.

That should not always be the case. A few obvious examples, what if you have killed someone or molested someone. I know these are extremes but some people would consider paying a woman, maybe a trafficed woman money for sex a serious act of degredation.

You see, many women and men have a small opinion of people who use prostitutes. I certainly would like to know if my current girlfriend is the type of person who would pay someone in a desperate/sex slave situation money for sex. I would certainly want to know even if it happened 10 years ago.

All my male friends have used prostitutes in the past and now all have nice girlfriends who have no idea that these guys are capable of doing it. You wouldnt suspect them. Yet, i know these girls have a very big opinion on guys who use prostitutes. I dont think its fair that their girlfriends dont know about their past. Its like a constant lie..And lets not forget the health aspect.

I dont want to sound like the judgemental type, im sorry if you feel im taking a dig at you, im not. We have all done things in the past that we are not happy with. If you feel that your girlfriend would be upset that you have been with a prostiute then i think she is entitled to know. be honest, give her the choice. Yes its in your past but believe it or not, the past makes you the person you are today.If it was 10 years ago then maybe she will understand that alot of time has passed and you have matured. the fact that you are feeling stressed out tells me that you want to tell her and that you actually feel she has a right to know. Its not the end of the world mate, Do this for yourself and her.

shinners007

coolguy 2006: spot on, i totally agree.

"honesty is the best policy"......

ianmc38

seamus wrote:

It's really only something which needs to be divulged if:

1. It happened during your relationship
2. She has particularly strong views on prostitutes, such that it would be an issue
3. She has expressed an interest in knowing about every woman you ever slept with.

End of story.

You should totally be honest with her
yes she would of course want to know this as its kinda an important thing
and yes i'd want to know if my boyf/husband ever paid for sex regardless of when it happened

LegacyUser

My boyfriend told me how he was with a prostitute years before he met me.
i must admit i felt disgusted towards him when he told me, my opinion being that it was cheap. However his honesty was more important than what he did before he met me. Im only part of his life for the last two years whereas he was with the prostitute 8 years ago so i cant really be hurt over it.
Tell her to clear your conscious, she should respect you for your honesty

elliebn

I went out with a guy about 9 years ago for 2 years and we went through an honesty phase where he told me he'd been with prostitutes on a few occasions. Now i'd like to think that i'm pretty open minded but i just felt a bit ill and probably would have preferred that he'd never told me, i didn't think i had an opinion on prostitutes one way or another until then.

fuzzywiggle

It's nothing to worry about. Don't tell her. It was before she ever came on the scene.

Enii

As a girl I would say don't tell her. I think it could sour her impression of you being the best guy in the world - which is what you generally think your boyfriend/fiancee is.

I think it would affect the relationship negatively.

Some things are best left unsaid - and not out of badness, just to not make waves, etc.

Let sleeping dogs lie, it was well in the past, leave it there.

Seraphina

another girls point of view here. to me honesty is extremely important, however, yes i would definitely think less of a guy who had paid for sex before.
i dont exactly have a problem with prostitution per say, but i wouldn't want to be with the kind of guy who's willing to pay someone for sex. i know people who have used prostitutes and i'm still friends with them and thats no problem, but its different if you're intimate with the guy.
i wouldn't be annoyed, more likely disappointed tbh.

tj-music.com

dishonest_guy wrote:

I am in a happy relationship and plan to get married next year. My fiancée thinks she knows everything about me but there is one thing I haven't told her and that is about 10 years ago I had sex with a prostitute. I didn't plan on ever telling here but recently we were talking about how we are totally honest with one another and I feel really guilty ever since as I am keeping this from her. A couple of my friends know about this and I am also worried that sooner or later one of them will let the cat out of the bag when they are drunk or something.

What should I do?

It shouldn´t make a difference to your relationship if it happened 10 years ago but to be "totally honest" is a stupid notion. Some information is too off putting and should be kept.

If your friends are going to tell her, just tell her you made that up back then and lied to them, you wouldnt even know where to find a prostitute.

maxruby

Oh Man if I was in your shoes after reading all these replies I'd be really confused now.
As a woman about to get married, I dont know would I like to know.
On one hand I am fairly open minded,(and know for a fact that the Mr has had some extreme experiences), and as long as he has been faithful during our time and is completely clean (get checked out-it's all confidential), Thats his life.
On the other hand I could be upset by it. Not every one is open to that kind of thing.
ONLY YOU KNOW YOUR WOMAN.
So, I hope I havent confused the issue any more.
Good luck with your decision.
And good luck with your marriage.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies everyone. It was good to hear opinions from girls and most of you would seem to rather not know something like that happened. I do think my gf would flip if I told her. I think she would forgive me but would always think a little less of me. So all in all I don't think there is anything to be gained by telling her. I'm gonna leave it in the past where it belongs.

Thanks again.

kittenkiller

All I know is that I'd never be able to look at my boyfriend in the same way again if I found out something like that.
It'd make me feel cheap & I'd think he was sleazy & desperate.
It'd quite possibly change things in the bedroom between us too.
Just my thoughts on if I was told something like that.

The Corinthian

dishonest_guy wrote:

A couple of my friends know about this and I am also worried that sooner or later one of them will let the cat out of the bag when they are drunk or something.

TBH, if I was you I’d be tempted to tell her even if I hadn’t boned a whore in the past, mainly because if she’s like kittenkiller and your relationship is going to go down the drain on account of such a confession, I’d like to know before I end up marrying such a space cadet.

CoolGuy2006 wrote:

All my male friends have used prostitutes in the past and now all have nice girlfriends who have no idea that these guys are capable of doing it.

All your friends... sure... :rolleyes:

kittenkiller

Everone has issues.
If the OP is feeling guilty about it then he himself must think it's an issue.
His fiancee might be a "space cadet" too. There are more of us out there than you'd think!

Nevyn

Now lets keep this on topic and not let it wander into personal abuse.
Thaedydal

Santa Claus

dishonest_guy wrote:

A couple of my friends know about this and I am also worried that sooner or later one of them will let the cat out of the bag when they are drunk or something.

If you think that one of your friends might be likely to blab then tell her.

Think how pissed off you think she'd be if you told her and then multiply that by 10 and add embarassment if she found out from a friend of yours saying something !

I'd say the way you bring it up is probably the whole key, obviously just coming out with "Honey, did I ever tell you about the time I slept with a street walker"

latenia

Or maybe cook her dinner and rent Pretty Woman?

walrusgumble

dont tell her. 10 years ago and it was before her relax man. i am sure she has one or two things she would never tell you. anyway its not being dishonest if you never lied about it. as for your mates, would they really do this to you?, if yes i guess you should find new mates, no good if you cant trust them.

If she never found out and you told her you may make things worse, she may see you in a differnent way, which you wouldnt like.

The Sweeper

latenia wrote:

Or maybe cook her dinner and rent Pretty Woman?

ROFL


But on topic - are you trying to make her feel bad, or yourself feel good?

WhiteWashMan

dishonest_guy wrote:

I am in a happy relationship and plan to get married next year. My fiancée thinks she knows everything about me but there is one thing I haven't told her and that is about 10 years ago I had sex with a prostitute. I didn't plan on ever telling here but recently we were talking about how we are totally honest with one another and I feel really guilty ever since as I am keeping this from her. A couple of my friends know about this and I am also worried that sooner or later one of them will let the cat out of the bag when they are drunk or something.

What should I do?

well, i guess it depends on the person youre with.

i mean, ten years ago? thats a long time ago. who cares about what happened 10 years ago.

its not like you remained a virgin up until the time of your marriage im sure. in pretty sure that your partner had sex with someone before you, and you with other women before her.

is it that you are ashamed of it, or embarassed, or what?

me personally, id mention it. id see on reason not to. of course, i wouldnt just blurt it out during the ad break in corrie, but these sorts of silly discussion come up all the time.
hell, i was a matress in college. my partner knows this. its one of the many things that has made me who i am. if she were to go postal over something like that, we probably wouldnt be together.

youre with each other now, and whats important is what happens with both of you now.

not 10 years ago. who knows, maybe she had a gangbang just before she met you, and shes afraid one of her friends will tell you about it...

Hagar

Just to clarify matters and make sure there are no other underlying issues,
it was a female prostitute wasn't it?

AngryAnderson

latenia wrote:

Or maybe cook her dinner and rent Pretty Woman?

Best advice yet. It'll work even better if you look like Richard Gere and are as wealthy as his character in said movie.

The Corinthian

AngryAnderson wrote:

Best advice yet. It'll work even better if you look like Richard Gere and are as wealthy as his character in said movie.

Of course he might be confessing to something a little different...

"honey, you remember Squeeky the Gerbal..?"

Idbatterim

Do not i repeat DO NOT tell her! it was years ago, not really a big deal, but it could raise certain issues that could be messy! keep your mouth shut!

Ickle Magoo

dishonest_guy wrote:

Thanks for the replies everyone. I was with this prostitute way before I met my girl so that's not an issue.

Let me ask the question another way, and this is for the girls to respond to only please...

...If your bloke, who you were planning to marry, slept with a hooker (before he met you) would you rather he told you or would you prefer to never find out about it? Do you think your feelings towards him would change? Would you lose some respect for him? Would it be enough to cause you to break up with him?

I would prefer he felt he could tell me anything & I'd hope my husband knew that as it happened before he met me, I would just give him a ribbing about it - I certainly wouldn't leave him over it! Sex with a prostitute...is it so different to buying a girl drinks all night & having a one night stand - or having a load of previous partners? It's not like it involved another man or children or animals or something truly horrifying to find out about your fiancé. If you suspect someone may tell her sooner rather than later, if I were her I would prefer to be pre-armed with the knowledge of what happened rather than being the last to know & someone saying something while drunk to see if I would go mad......that's just me tho....she may be more sensitive to such things....only you can guage her reaction & the fact you are worried how she may react could be a warning to you to keep shtum! Best of luck!

Peacock

So you're getting married soon, and you once slept with a prostitute - it sounds like the Best Man's speech will write itself!