Im feeling guilty and need some advice on should i.....

Freedomfighter

Quick run down here...
My girlfriend cheated on me 2 years ago. Now i believed she regret it and she felt horrible for it. After a while i gave her another chance. But my only condition was she could never see this person again. I didnt think that was unreasonable. Any way it was awkward as they were friends and apart of a big group of people. Nobody knew except for the people involved and her best mate.
Everything between myself and her got better and better. I asked her to marry me a little while ago she said yes. Now it has been awkward as if we had a party we couldnt invite the lads as if you invie one you have to invite them all. If we said you can all come except .... they would be wondering why.
We had a little get together last night and as usual her girlfriends came with one of them bringing a boyfriend. Now all the rest of the group are giving out they were never invited. My girlfriend has mentioned it to me a few times now and im feeling guilty but i shouldnt be feeling guilty should i.
Am i bing harsh?
I love this girl but life is too short to be feeling like this.
Anyone with help or advice i just cant think straight.
Cheers

fuzzywiggle

I'm sure the rest of the group will get over it! Really no need to feel guilty!

Boston

Who doesn't want the other to know, you or her?

Freedomfighter

LiouVille wrote:

Who doesn't want the other to know, you or her?

Mainly myself but she didnt want it broadcast. She drank too much wine one night and say no more. She cried for days about it. Its getting to the point where i dont want to be in this position but i love her so much. We have something very special. It feels tainted though if you know what i mean.

LegacyUser

I agree completly with what you asked (her never seeing him again) and I can completely understand why.

There is another way of looking at it though

The way that your doing this now, is probably harder on you than it is on her...in a social sense.
If it was me, (and I didnt want the rest of them to find out, as I can understand you dont, and why you dont)..

I'd invite him!
The reason being that you could (a) invite who you want to your parties/and have a good time with your mates in total.
(b) watch her squirm rather than you feel guilty (eh, you havent anything to feel guilty about, mind you)
(c) show him that she is with you now.
(d) see if she still really likes him. Because its gonna crop up again regardless of the ban if thats the case.

I mean, if she isnt going to cop off on you again, then she shouldnt do it, even if he is there!

You've asked her to marry you, invite him to your parties and see how she is around him, at least. It might put some worries to rest for you and show you that it was just a fling. It might make you face up to what happened and show you she doesnt have any interest in him, rather than you never knowing....

I dunno, I agree completely with why you dont want him around, just looking at it from a different angle which might just help you.. in alot of ways? Fears to rest and all that

Best of luck. Whatever happens make it easy on you. She copped off, no reason why you should be taking any heat at all as a result of her actions

Squaddy

I dont think you should be feeling guilty. And I dont think she should care about those mates being invited, so what you didnt invite them, whats her problem. The party was about the 2 of yous. I think she should be happy that she is in love and getting married and not being concerned about who or who wasnt invited.

so I dont think you should be feeling guilty. Maybe yous two need to talk a lot more before going further..

DOLEMAN

Don't feel guilty. You have been reasonable, forgiving, and really have done nothing wrong.

Stop being harsh on yourself

Khannie

What the others said.

Freedomfighter

Khannie wrote:

What the others said.

So what do i do just forget it. Say to myself screw her friends. Or is it true that leopards never change their spots. It took a long time to build up trust and its not full there. Am i wasting my time?

LegacyUser

Freedomfighter wrote:

So what do i do just forget it. Say to myself screw her friends. Or is it true that leopards never change their spots. It took a long time to build up trust and its not full there. Am i wasting my time?

Dump her....... your right they dont change their spots some loose some hair but nothing as drastic as complete change. Your kidding yourself if you believe she wont do it again. She is crewing with your head. She should be saying i love this person and want to make him happy. She did wrong not you and your condition was only fair. But in my honest opinion she wont ever change. Get out now before its too late.

BeardyGit

You need to get over what happened a couple of years back for starters. I can understand that it's easier said than done but you've forgiven your girlfriend/fiancé already (you have, haven't you?) so maybe it's time to cut the other offender a little slack as such. I'm not saying what he did is in any way excusable but you're excluding a whole group of her friends from because of the actions of one, and that can't be right or fair.

I won't make excuses for the other guy (he was a dick, let's face it) but at the end of the day, unless you can be the bigger man here and confront the 'demon', it'll haunt you for many years to come. Deal with it now, extend the offer of forgiveness and friendship and you'll be showing confidence, maturity and security in your relationship. Unless he's a serial offender in this regard, there's every likelihood he's a nice enough guy who just hasn't had a chance to prove he's not a complete sh** since his indiscretion. Continue insisting he's not welcome and you'll be putting your partner in a position where she'll always be made uncomfortable and always reminded of her mistake when he has to exclude a whole group of friends from your joint and her individual social life.

That's not what a loving partner would do to the other as far as I can see. Again, easier said than done but I'd imagine it's something worth thinking about?

Gil

Freedomfighter

Gil_Dub wrote:

You need to get over what happened a couple of years back for starters. I can understand that it's easier said than done but you've forgiven your girlfriend/fiancé already (you have, haven't you?) so maybe it's time to cut the other offender a little slack as such. I'm not saying what he did is in any way excusable but you're excluding a whole group of her friends from because of the actions of one, and that can't be right or fair.

I won't make excuses for the other guy (he was a dick, let's face it) but at the end of the day, unless you can be the bigger man here and confront the 'demon', it'll haunt you for many years to come. Deal with it now, extend the offer of forgiveness and friendship and you'll be showing confidence, maturity and security in your relationship. Unless he's a serial offender in this regard, there's every likelihood he's a nice enough guy who just hasn't had a chance to prove he's not a complete sh** since his indiscretion. Continue insisting he's not welcome and you'll be putting your partner in a position where she'll always be made uncomfortable and always reminded of her mistake when he has to exclude a whole group of friends from your joint and her individual social life.

That's not what a loving partner would do to the other as far as I can see. Again, easier said than done but I'd imagine it's something worth thinking about?

Gil

I do see where your coming from. But i dont think im capable of doing that. I never say to her they cant come up she just takes it that they cant because they would ask questions when he wasnt asked up. I have actually taught about it and you do make a good point. But think about this could you sit there and laugh freely about a joke or comment said by someone while this man sits there drinking knowing what happened between them. someone you love dearly when she leaves the room your filled with anticipation for her return. Ask your self that. I dobt you would hav much fun if you did allow him in.

meowCat

I think you should invite this group of her friends again. Not for her sake, but for your own. You are obviously still upset about what happened, but you have to get over it.
It will be very awkward at fist, I grant you. But in the long run, you will make life for yourself much easier if you face your daemons from the past.

And besides, there is no reason why you should feel guilty. But face it, you cannot run away from this issue. You obviously think about it a lot. Better to face it then!

Good luck!!!!

Freedomfighter

meowCat wrote:

I think you should invite this group of her friends again. Not for her sake, but for your own. You are obviously still upset about what happened, but you have to get over it.
It will be very awkward at fist, I grant you. But in the long run, you will make life for yourself much easier if you face your daemons from the past.

And besides, there is no reason why you should feel guilty. But face it, you cannot run away from this issue. You obviously think about it a lot. Better to face it then!

Good luck!!!!

Ok say i invite him up. What the hell do i say to him. Im normally not a violent man but when i think about it my blood boils. Ok so i do the bigger man thing. What do i do say to him if he comes to talk to me.

Chinafoot

Well it's been 2 years since it happened. It's not as if you need to re-open old wounds and have a big chat about what happened.

It's still obviously a big issue for you and that's something that needs to be sorted out between you and your girlfriend before you go worrying about anyone else.

I'd agree with Gil. By making her cut herself off from this guy (and her friends as a result) you are giving her a constant reminder of her mistake. That's really unfair if you claim to have forgiven her.

meowCat

Freedomfighter wrote:

Ok say i invite him up. What the hell do i say to him. Im normally not a violent man but when i think about it my blood boils. Ok so i do the bigger man thing. What do i do say to him if he comes to talk to me.

well, as far as I understand, he is just part of a group of friends. You don't need to talk to him at all if you don't want to. I'm sure there are other people in this group of friends who's company you'd quite enjoy. And after some time, the anger will subside.

I'm not asking you to be his new best friend. Why would you, tbh?! If he comes to talk to you, I reckon it's perfectly fine if you get the message across by starting with small talk about the weather and then walking away.

I thought it's about not excluding a perfectly decent group of friends from your social circle just because of one person. And to show your g/f that you can handle it (even if you actually cannot, but it's about making a point and about making yourself feel better...yeah, being the bigger man and stuff).

Honestly, if this whole issue still bothers you that much, even after such a long time, why are you still with the girl? Sometimes, love just isn't enough
I'd advise you to discuss him with her. I looks a lot as if you are really not happy.

Freedomfighter

meowCat wrote:

well, as far as I understand, he is just part of a group of friends. You don't need to talk to him at all if you don't want to. I'm sure there are other people in this group of friends who's company you'd quite enjoy. And after some time, the anger will subside.

I'm not asking you to be his new best friend. Why would you, tbh?! If he comes to talk to you, I reckon it's perfectly fine if you get the message across by starting with small talk about the weather and then walking away.

I thought it's about not excluding a perfectly decent group of friends from your social circle just because of one person. And to show your g/f that you can handle it (even if you actually cannot, but it's about making a point and about making yourself feel better...yeah, being the bigger man and stuff).

Honestly, if this whole issue still bothers you that much, even after such a long time, why are you still with the girl? Sometimes, love just isn't enough
I'd advise you to discuss him with her. I looks a lot as if you are really not happy.

It sometimes bothers me. less and less as time goes by. but can anyone really get over something like that. sure i can forgive her but is it complete forgiveness, and how would it make me feel better. People say be the bigger man but how by being this would i feel better. It still hurts but not as much as first time. Maybe you are right maybe love just isnt enough.

meowCat

Freedomfighter wrote:

It sometimes bothers me. less and less as time goes by. but can anyone really get over something like that. sure i can forgive her but is it complete forgiveness, and how would it make me feel better. People say be the bigger man but how by being this would i feel better. It still hurts but not as much as first time. Maybe you are right maybe love just isnt enough.

Oh jee... you sound really sad Freedomfighter!!

I honestly do not know if total forgiveness is ever possible. I have never been cheated on (at least I don't know about it) and so I might not be the perfect person to understand your feelings.

However, I think you should have a long and honest conversation with your g/f. I wonder if that is really about the guy she cheated with or more about the two of you. Have you ever cleared why it happened? You mentioned that she had too much wine, but seriously, many people have too much wine all the time without cheating.

I hope you find a solution that will make you happy again.
Take care...and considering the time oíche mhaith.

BeardyGit

Freedomfighter wrote:

It sometimes bothers me. less and less as time goes by. but can anyone really get over something like that. sure i can forgive her but is it complete forgiveness, and how would it make me feel better. People say be the bigger man but how by being this would i feel better. It still hurts but not as much as first time. Maybe you are right maybe love just isnt enough.

Whoa there! Don't start down that defeatist road - You'll gain nothing from it. As with most things in life, there are a few ways to approach this, if you're willing to try.

You can speak to your girlfriend and tell her you want her to be able to invite all of her friends round and if that means giving him the opportunity to make ammends eventually, you're prepared to try. Suggest that maybe the next time something sociable is kicking off that the rest of her friends might like to come along. Leave it up to him to either attend or pass on the opportunity - There's every chance he'll opt out each time. But assuming he comes along, make sure you speak with him early in the night (when you're both sober) and tell him you're going to give him a chance to show he's not a complete bastard - One chance. Tell him not to act like he's your friend - Just to be polite and enjoy the company of your common friends. Tell him he needs to respect your space, your relationship. Tell him you're not threatening him - That you're simply setting out the ground rules and that you'll just see how it goes from there. Agree that you'll both be on your best behaviour and steer clear of any agravation with each other, for everyone elses sake.

Keep your cool. If you think you'll get hot-headed speaking to him directly, ask your girlfriend to explain everything above to him, or maybe her best friend if she already knows the deal so you're kept at a distance, while you watch (not glare) from across the hall/room etc. Be polite and really show that you're above any perceived threat from his presence. This will be the secret to success in this situation - No matter what happens afterwards, you've shown your girlfriend that you're prepared to work at things so she can enjoy spending time with you and all of her friends together.

Bear in mind that at the moment, you're the bloke who keeps her away from these friends - That's the way it will appear to them anyway. If you extend the hand of friendship to all, you'll be seen to be making an effort to involve all of them making it much more difficult for any of them to side with yer man should he act the maggot and try to start anything with you.

I've been in your shoes mate, unfortunately for me, perhaps fortunately for you. As you say, I know just how quickly the blood will boil when facing another man who's taken a drunken liberty with your girlfriend. In my case I chose to 'be the bigger man' and while my ex's friends knew the other guy for years and me for only one or two at the time, they all appreciated the effort I made to ensure my girlfriend could still spend time with all of them after the fact. The support you gain from something like that can go a long way in the long run. Don't discount how important these matters can be.

Again, don't adopt a defeatist attitude over this. Your girlfriend/fiancé obviously wants to be with you, and you alone. Take strength from this and show her that you really do care enough to make the effort. It will be rewarded.....

Gil

BeardyGit

meowCat wrote:

Oh jee... you sound really sad Freedomfighter!!

I honestly do not know if total forgiveness is ever possible. I have never been cheated on (at least I don't know about it) and so I might not be the perfect person to understand your feelings.

However, I think you should have a long and honest conversation with your g/f. I wonder if that is really about the guy she cheated with or more about the two of you. Have you ever cleared why it happened? You mentioned that she had too much wine, but seriously, many people have too much wine all the time without cheating.

I hope you find a solution that will make you happy again.
Take care...and considering the time oíche mhaith.

I can see where you're coming from Kitty (;)) but I don't think it's really about re-hashing the why's and how's. I guess in the same way the OP's girlfriend is inadvertently facing this constant reminder of what happened, so too is he for the very same reasons....Friends. Deal with the 'reminder' and you go a long way towards dealing with the problem in a sense.

Of course that could be seen as treating the symptom instead of the disease but ultimately the OP will have to start somewhere. I agree that Freedomfighter sounds sad but maybe that too is to do with the late hour and perhaps too many hours devoted to thinking this over and over.... We've all been there Off to bed with ye OP and try not to think about it too much.

Gil

Freedomfighter

meowCat wrote:

Oh jee... you sound really sad Freedomfighter!!

I honestly do not know if total forgiveness is ever possible. I have never been cheated on (at least I don't know about it) and so I might not be the perfect person to understand your feelings.

However, I think you should have a long and honest conversation with your g/f. I wonder if that is really about the guy she cheated with or more about the two of you. Have you ever cleared why it happened? You mentioned that she had too much wine, but seriously, many people have too much wine all the time without cheating.

I hope you find a solution that will make you happy again.
Take care...and considering the time oíche mhaith.

I should clear something up....
When i made my condition to my G/F it was just a request not a demand. Xmas just gone she went to a party with all her friends i dropped her there and collected her. My condition has disappeared as far as i dont mind if she sees him. But i just dont want to see him. I trust her now to go on holidays with the girls and to be around him but at the moment i dont want to be around him.
These group of friends she has are really not that nice a group. The lads dont take well to outsiders giving them the cold shoulder. I have experienced it myself and so did the boyfriend who arrived at the party last night.
We are together 4 years and i dont want to throw it all away. I am sort of slowly going back on my condition and maybe one day i will be able to stand in front of him and be the bigger man.
Is what im doing wrong?
Should i be making more of an effort for her sake?

sachamama

Hi freedomfighter.
You love your girl and you say its better and better between you. You asked her to marry you and she said yes.
To love somebody you have to let go of them. Like the song - if you love somebody set them free. Give them their freedom and they will want to be around you. Its ironic, it doesnt make sense until you try it. Worse however is if you love with conditions. That doesnt last.
Do you want to marry this woman and spend the rest of your lives together? then loose the conditions and let go of the past. Drink the same wine from different cups. Make the future now and make it with the woman you love.
Nothing else should be as important as this. But you have to let it go, nobody else can do this for you.
And look at this man the next time you meet and say "hello". Forgive him too. Enjoy this woman, enjoy your love and be peaceful.
Namaste

BeardyGit

Freedomfighter wrote:

I should clear something up....
When i made my condition to my G/F it was just a request not a demand. Xmas just gone she went to a party with all her friends i dropped her there and collected her. My condition has disappeared as far as i dont mind if she sees him. But i just dont want to see him. I trust her now to go on holidays with the girls and to be around him but at the moment i dont want to be around him.
These group of friends she has are really not that nice a group. The lads dont take well to outsiders giving them the cold shoulder. I have experienced it myself and so did the boyfriend who arrived at the party last night.
We are together 4 years and i dont want to throw it all away. I am sort of slowly going back on my condition and maybe one day i will be able to stand in front of him and be the bigger man.
Is what im doing wrong?
Should i be making more of an effort for her sake?

Ah, fair enough so - Glad you posted that. When it comes down to it, you don't have to be friends with any of them, even for your girlfriend. All you have to do is be polite and welcoming should she invite them round to your place at times. So, I guess you really don't have to make more of an effort where the group of friends are concerned.

It also sounds like you're already on the way to perhaps sorting things out with this guy sometime in the future. That's good - Make sure your girlfriend knows you're open to the possibility, just that it's not going to happen right now. She should understand it better and support your stance on it if she understands that you are considering things instead of just sticking to a years old reaction.

Good man,

Gil

Freedomfighter

sachamama wrote:

Hi freedomfighter.
You love your girl and you say its better and better between you. You asked her to marry you and she said yes.
To love somebody you have to let go of them. Like the song - if you love somebody set them free. Give them their freedom and they will want to be around you. Its ironic, it doesnt make sense until you try it. Worse however is if you love with conditions. That doesnt last.
Do you want to marry this woman and spend the rest of your lives together? then loose the conditions and let go of the past. Drink the same wine from different cups. Make the future now and make it with the woman you love.
Nothing else should be as important as this. But you have to let it go, nobody else can do this for you.
And look at this man the next time you meet and say "hello". Forgive him too. Enjoy this woman, enjoy your love and be peaceful.
Namaste

What you just said is a nice taught but the human heart is a weird and wonderfull thing. When i say a condition it was more or me saying that i wouldnt be comfortable her being around him. I have said it to her that i would never say " you can never see him again".
Now it has been 2 years and im slowly coming around but unfortunately it takes time. I wish i could just take the step and just do it but this is the way i need it to happen.
I dont know if you have ever experienced someone you love being unfaithfull. It is not a nice feeling. It tore me apart for quiet a few months but i know better then most people make mistakes.
It will eventually happen but when im ready. She can see her friends all of them but i wont be joining her with him present until im ready to.

LegacyUser

My fiance cheated on me a few years ago and I must admit that it has taken a lot to accept him back, I also put the condition on him that he could not see her again, she was part of a group that he got involved in and he still sees other people in the group but not her. Having someone cheat on you is one of the most soul destroying things that can happen and while I believe in forgiveness, sometimes you have to pay a price for your mistake and I do not see the harm in the terms that the OP has suggested.

Freedomfighter

13579 wrote:

My fiance cheated on me a few years ago and I must admit that it has taken a lot to accept him back, I also put the condition on him that he could not see her again, she was part of a group that he got involved in and he still sees other people in the group but not her. Having someone cheat on you is one of the most soul destroying things that can happen and while I believe in forgiveness, sometimes you have to pay a price for your mistake and I do not see the harm in the terms that the OP has suggested.

You have really hit the nail on the head it is soul destroying. Not that it was any easier but it was a 1 minute of madness. God only knows how much harder it would have been if it had been going on for some time i dont know if i could have forgiven that or if i did would i have really gotten over it.

Spliffany692000

I know somebody thats in a simular situation....it seems to be a viscous circle mate! I asked my mate a question that settled everything....and Ill ask you the same thing except youll have to ask yourself. Do you trust her?? If you do Im sure there is no need to stop her seeing who ever she cheated with...I dont mean they go for a drink together...but if you and your wife to be are going out to a party and he who must not be named (but shamed) is there...There shouldn be a problem because you trust your gf not to do anything!! Am I talking out of my arse or does any of this make sense to you?

Ickle Magoo

OP,

People don't cheat because they are drunk - they cheat because they are unhappy in their relationship and the drink makes it seem more acceptable behavior....I think until you have established what issues within your relationship caused it to derail to the point that one party cheated on the other then you will never feel able to trust your partner - how do you know they won't do it again if you don't know why they did it in the first place?

I also think you are exhibiting classic "my partner cheated" behaviour by laying the blame at the door of the third party....compared with the loyalty, honesty, respect and trust owed to you by your girlfriend, this guy owed/owes you nothing - if you have forgiven her then I don't see any point in holding anything against him....he hadn't promised you anything....

I also don't think that banning your g/f from seeing this guy will stop her cheating again, if that's what she wants to do.....the only solution if you want to move forward is to talk about what happened & why and establish a new relationship based on new boundaries.....then the slate must be wiped clean....she cannot be constantly punnished & you cannot constantly be angry about what happened or it will tear you apart for good....all the best

LegacyUser

what people cant have, they want the most..........

paulac

Do you trust her? I've been in this situation before, I was with someone for a few years, went out, had far too much to drink, my mam had died a month before and it was my first time out since. I met another fella, regretted it and told my boyfriend as soon as I got home. there was no way that he could have found out if I didn't say anything, and he knew that. I genuinely was sorry and did regret it and had no intention of doing it again and I didn't. I was so relieved that my boyfriend forgave me and he was wonderful, I know it was hard for him but he never said a word about it any time I evr went out with my friends without him. It showed me that he trusted me, even though I didn't feel like I deserved it, but over time we just got on with it and it wasn't an issue. He would never hold it up to me to make me feel bad. It was a mistake. We were out and bumped into this other fela a couple of times. My bf has been friendly to this chap, and I make it my business to stand by my bf to show to him that he's the one I want. My bf knows this, so there's no problem.

I know its hard, but I really would advise to be the bigger man. She loves you, she wants you. You've been hurt and you want her to remember that she hurt you but at the same time you don't want to hurt her and cause tension in her life with her friends, thats why you feel guilty. Give it a shot, I'm telling you, she would be so proud of you and so relieved

Blub2k4

Personally I'd have a word with him and tell him the situation and ask him to make sure he cant make it on the night, he obviously knows the suss with the two of them having no more contact.

If he is a decent chap at all he may go for it.

Peace

The dude did the nasty with your girlfriend and you feel guilty about not letting him into your gaf/join your social circle.

Feel good with your decision and stick by it.

Kell

Freedomfighter wrote:

So what do i do just forget it. Say to myself screw her friends. Or is it true that leopards never change their spots. It took a long time to build up trust and its not full there. Am i wasting my time?

It was two years ago. How do you feel about it now i.e. does the thought of it make you want to puke?

If you really dont want the guy there, make sure he isnt invited. Simple. I know you mentioned the whole everyone knows everyone, but believe me, there are ways. If its a close knit bunch everyone will assume everyone has been invited to x or y occasion. You could just call him and tell him to invent some reason not to be there.

Hope it works out.

K-

gypsygirl

Ickle Magoo wrote:

OP,

I also think you are exhibiting classic "my partner cheated" behaviour by laying the blame at the door of the third party....compared with the loyalty, honesty, respect and trust owed to you by your girlfriend, this guy owed/owes you nothing - if you have forgiven her then I don't see any point in holding anything against him....he hadn't promised you anything....

I couldn't have said it better myself; your girlfriend cheated you not the lad in question.

Freedomfighter

gypsygirl wrote:

Ickle Magoo wrote:

OP,

I also think you are exhibiting classic "my partner cheated" behaviour by laying the blame at the door of the third party....compared with the loyalty, honesty, respect and trust owed to you by your girlfriend, this guy owed/owes you nothing - if you have forgiven her then I don't see any point in holding anything against him....he hadn't promised you anything....

I couldn't have said it better myself; your girlfriend cheated you not the lad in question.

Now i might be an eejit here but i believe that if a person cheats and the individual he/she cheated with does not know the partner then i have no qualms with him. But this young man knew me. Knew we were together and should have kept his hands off. Ok its her as well i know that but he knows me. Its not like we are strangers. Am i wrong in what im saying. Im getting PMS saying im doing the right thing. I dont say to her everytime she goes out that "you cheated on me before so watch out " or something to that effect. Im a very affectionate with her, I love her with every inch of my being. If all her friends have a party and he is there she can go thats not a problem, i just wont be going. It would hurt me too much to sit and look at him. I know she regrets what she did, she proved it by telling me straight away. I trust her now its just i dont trust myself around him. Im not violent but he my blood boils if i see him.

Ickle Magoo

Of course you have every right to be angry with the fella too - my point was it's quite a classic behaviour of those who have been cheated on to blame the third party for somehow coercing their partner to cheat on them.....the blame for your girlfriend cheating on you lies solely at the door of your girlfriend....men should be able to ask your girlfriend out, try to woo her, flirt, etc, etc - regardless of how drunk she is & you should be able to know without a doubt that she would say no because she is YOUR girlfriend....in this case, she made the decision not to be faithful to you...regardless of "knowing" the fella, he had not made the assumed promises of trust, respect & honesty to you that a relationship brings, she had....

She made a conscious decision to cheat on you - it doesn't matter who with & so I think banning her from seeing this guy smacks of closing the stable door after the horse has bolted - and you hating him is just unhealthy, you'd be better placing that anger with the person who most deserves it......that's all I meant....if my husband ever cheated on me, even if it was with someone I knew, it's entirely his doing - if I could forgive him (which I couldn't - but that is beside the point) & the blame is all his, then it follows that I can't be any angrier at the third party.....

Freedomfighter

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Of course you have every right to be angry with the fella too - my point was it's quite a classic behaviour of those who have been cheated on to blame the third party for somehow coercing their partner to cheat on them.....the blame for your girlfriend cheating on you lies solely at the door of your girlfriend....men should be able to ask your girlfriend out, try to woo her, flirt, etc, etc - regardless of how drunk she is & you should be able to know without a doubt that she would say no because she is YOUR girlfriend....in this case, she made the decision not to be faithful to you...regardless of "knowing" the fella, he had not made the assumed promises of trust, respect & honesty to you that a relationship brings, she had....

She made a conscious decision to cheat on you - it doesn't matter who with & so I think banning her from seeing this guy smacks of closing the stable door after the horse has bolted - and you hating him is just unhealthy, you'd be better placing that anger with the person who most deserves it......that's all I meant....if my husband ever cheated on me, even if it was with someone I knew, it's entirely his doing - if I could forgive him (which I couldn't - but that is beside the point) & the blame is all his, then it follows that I can't be any angrier at the third party.....

But what if the person he cheated with was a mutual friend. I always said to myself that if anyone ever cheated on me that it would be over. But its never that simple. I love this girl with all my heart i want to spend the rest of my life with her. To be honest you dont know what you will do until it happens. Now if she went out and met someone in a club then fine the man didnt know me but this person knew me.

super_furry

She should invite them but make it clear to him that he's not welcome. If he has any kind of decency about him, he'll steer clear and keep his mouth shut.

Zulu

super_furry wrote:

She should invite them but make it clear to him that he's not welcome. If he has any kind of decency about him, he'll steer clear and keep his mouth shut.

Yea, I'd say invite everyone, and either you or her, take him aside and say you don't want him there for obvious reasons. He sould be able to make an excuse and do something else that night. ...unless he's a child about the whole thing.

Ickle Magoo

Freedomfighter wrote:

But what if the person he cheated with was a mutual friend. I always said to myself that if anyone ever cheated on me that it would be over. But its never that simple. I love this girl with all my heart i want to spend the rest of my life with her. To be honest you dont know what you will do until it happens. Now if she went out and met someone in a club then fine the man didnt know me but this person knew me.

If my husband cheated on me with a mutual friend then I'd ditch the pair of them....I have been in this postition & I dumped the boyfriend & the friend - there are millions of people in the world, why would I want someone who cheated on me or a friend who helped my partner to cheat on me?! My initial point stands...he didn't cheat on you - granted he was a lousy friend, but he didn't cheat on you....in fact I would forgive the friend before forgiving my partner....I may even thank them for letting me see what kind of partner I had....you say you love her...would you cheat on her? With a mutual friend? It's much easier to blame him than accept she did an awful thing to you & I just think if you acknowledge they both played a part but it was her that was supposed to be faithful to you & her you have to trust, then you would find it much easier to forgive him.....