Only child: selfish decision

dragon_lordMTB

We have a fabulous daughter nearly 3 but had a tough time in the early years with her being sick (nothing serious just frequent chest infections and ear infections) , bad sleeper, etc but now loving every minute we spend with her. We both work so she is in creche and loves it there.

Am afraid that if we have another baby, the financial impact, etc putting additional strains on our family and I'm not really sure I want to go through another couple of years of misery.

Do only children become lonely for lack of siblings, get too dependent on parents?

Any advice welcome.

Dcully

I have a three and a half year old son and now a five month daughter. We too did not know whether to have a second child for similar reasons as yours. We decided to have another baby as I felt that we did it once it surely can only seem easier. I also felt coming from a family of four that I benefited from having siblings and still do benefit. I also felt that if and when we are gone at least they will have each other.
It is really only a decision that ye yourselves can make and I do not think anyone would view it as selfish if you have no more kids. The only thing I can say is that second baby is not such a shock to system as you do not have the freedom you had before your first.
Best of luck no matter what you decide

simu

I don't think there's anything wrong with it - families tend to be bigger in Ireland though, so people can say odd things about single kids but I don't think they have much of a basis in reality.

LadyJ

Speaking as an only child,all I can say is that I turned out fine and any problems I've had in my life certainly have not had anything to do with a lack of siblings.

Being an only child can be a virtue. It can teach a person to be independent. The fact that your daughter goes to a creche will teach her to develop her social skills at an early age and she will learn resilience also.

Apart from that,she will learn that it's ok to be away from her parents and therefore won't be so dependant on you as she gets older.

deisemum

Whether you have one, two or numerous children there are positives and negitives no matter how many you have. There's no right or wrong. It's very sensible to think things through beforehand. Each family's circumstances are different and should be taken into account.

As the eldest of 9, I didn't have a typical childhood as I was always helping out and you'd be amazed at the number of people that think if you come from a big family that we must be close. Maybe some are but not in my family's case or other large families that I know. Large families due to the large numbers can have their own "gangs" within a family. I've 2 myself but that suits us. My mother is an only child and is a loner. Not every only child is.

You can always wait (unless your age is a factor) until your daughter is in school if you want to have another. If you're happy with one child you're happy with that decision and don't worry about other people's comments. It's like a national past time for some people querying how many children people have.

SarahMc

I have one child, and very unlikely to have another. I myself am from a large family. I recently buried my second parent, and cannot bear to think how awful that must be if you are an only child, how alone you must feel. I also think an only child misses out on shared reference points and memories.

DublinWriter

I'm an only child and I turned out fine! *twitch twitch*

Seriously, only children do miss having siblings to kick them back into touch from time to time and can grow up with a false sense of importance when they hit the world.

Even with one other sibling, the social dynamic of a family changes for the better for the kids I think.

Secondly, I'm dreading having to bury either of my parents alone.

Do consider at least having one other.

the_syco

Its recommended to have a 2 to 3 year gap between each kid. Go for it. I'm the "middle child", two years after one sister, and 2 years before another.

sachamama

the joy you get from the second child far outweighs the pain. and the fact that you've "done it all before" with the first one helps hugely during growth and sickness. there's nothing like watching your two children play together, fight together, and grow up to be best friends. (hopefully!)

dragon_lordMTB

Thanks for the feedback. gives me a lot to think about.

Beruthiel

dragon_lordMTB wrote:

Do only children become lonely for lack of siblings, get too dependent on parents?.

no they don't
I decided I was ever only going to have one child. My daughter is 18 now, is very independent, has loads of friends and doesn't seem to be dependent on me at all (unless she's looking for something!)

if you have an only child, you encourage it by putting in playschool or whatever, you make sure to encourage friends, having them over to your house etc..
make them think for themselves by always offering two choices on things that you do together, that way they have to think for themselves. Encourage your child to take up hobbies they are interested in.
If a child has a full life they will be fine and remember, you have more time to spend on one child.
Don't worry about the pros and cons, having one child is grand and will work out fine.

loyatemu

every child leads a different life - whether it has siblings or not is just one element in that. I'm sure there are far worse things than being an only child.

having said that, we have 2 and the second really is much easier than the first, so don't feel too intimidated by the idea of having another.

samo

loyatemu wrote:

having said that, we have 2 and the second really is much easier than the first, so don't feel too intimidated by the idea of having another.

Have to agree that a 2nd child is surprisingly easier to 'rear' than the 1st, also had a tough time on my 1st with getting used to change in routine, sleepless nights (major shock!) and feeding etc but by the time 2nd child arrived wasnt nearly so nervous and there's more a feeling of 'been there dont that' so makes you more confident in dealing with the ups and downs of a new baby.

I'm an only child myself and while I didnt overly miss out growing up without a brother and sister, seeing my own children interact (especially the days when they get on well!!) it does make me think I would have liked a sibling when I was young - but having said that I wouldnt feel that way unless I'd had my own children

So much so I just had my 3rd child which would have been unthinkable a few years back!! :eek:

Neverends

Just had second child in the summer and shes tonnes easier than our - lovely but tough going - first one. It is a lot of work though having two, you can't just take it in turns to have free time cos neither of us want to get left minding the two at weekends and you're back to square one with all the baby stage stuff. My daughter is so absolutely gorgeous and perfect though that I am totally glad I had her and her 3 year old sister loves her in a big big way. There are twinges of jealousy but it was probably no harm for her to be dethroned a bit anyway and I like that they are both part of a larger family unit and each have a little buddy. I see it as making a new person who will enrich all our lives (and she so does) but it certainly brings additional stress and is it fair to bring kids into the world to be brought up by stressed out parents??? Many questions around this one....

luckat

Having an only child puts a lot of pressure on the *parents* - you tend to dangle out of your darling much more, expecting much more of him.

And it puts pressure on the child for the same reason.

It deprives a child of all those secret moments when they're telling each other things they could never tell a parent. It deprives them of sibling support when they're frightened and sad and angry as teenagers. It deprives them of sibling support in school and with friends.

And when they get to their thirties, forties, fifties, sixties - they're the ones whose kids have no aunties and uncles; they're the ones who can't go to their sister's for a cosy cuppa.

I'm really sorry I didn't have more than one. Nice to have a spare, for both the parents and the kid/s.

oulu

Selfish you are not just by writing here proves it, I came from big family and close in age to, so I did like wise had 3 in 3 yrs really bonkers at times but with youngest now 3 we actually can get hours on end in the house doing chores whatever due to the 3 been playing for hours together, I feel if there was one child they would always need someone with them cant play catch by yourself always hoping a cousin might pop in to keep her company,we went to south of Spain last year really great time, but something caught me eye a couple walking along the beach and a teenage daughter a few yards behind them it did strike me that she was lonely as going in the other direction on the beach was a couple walking ahead of 3 girls who appeared to be their kids walking and laughing together I got the feeling she was pining for for similar , you do what you feel is right but in my opinion I am glad we had more than one

scrattletrap

Do what is best for you and your family and take no notice of what is said here.
Now that my youngest is six and the eldest eight, two boys, people keep asking me "aren't you going to try for a girl" I am in my ***. My boys are total opposites and I can see them drifting apart as they get older.
It is all well and good other people saying what the "right" thing to do is, but they don't have to raise them, you do.

holly_johnson

I'm a mother of one 1 5yr old and no way am I having another. Birth was awful etc and I can't afford two creches and schools.

I am constantly being told I am selfish by both my parents and the in laws, that my daughter will hate me when she is older for depriving her of a sibling etc but the way I see it is I can afford good things for her and me and we can go on holidays every year. I know it's not the be all and end all, but when you work full time it's important to be able to get away.

I think it's a decision for each individual to make, only you know your own circumstances and how much you want another child. Money can be a big issue, but I think you would always find it from somewhere if you had to.

It's just that I don't want to have to, and, I suppose a part of me rebels against being told such horrible things by the parents.

luckat

Of course it's up to yourself, Holly. Do what's best for you and your daughter, in your own best judgment.

Johnny Storm

DublinWriter wrote:

I'm an only child and I turned out fine! *twitch twitch*

Seriously, only children do miss having siblings to kick them back into touch from time to time and can grow up with a false sense of importance when they hit the world.

Even with one other sibling, the social dynamic of a family changes for the better for the kids I think.

Secondly, I'm dreading having to bury either of my parents alone.

Do consider at least having one other.

I'm an only child too and I also turned out OK, honest! *twitch twitch*
People have on occasion asked me if I ever missed not having brothers and sisters and the honest answer for me is "No, never". I never felt lonely and I never felt I was missing out on anything. I'm still happy with my own company. (Possible severe self delusion on that last one :rolleyes: )
I have two sons now but before the second one came along I would have been perfectly happy just to have one child.

sharonlarkin

I have 2 children, 5 & 2, girl and boy. I don't think an only child will suffer. But now that my 2 year old is running around with his big sister, its absolutely brilliant watching them. They entertain each other and have long conversations together (which I am not included in, I have been told by my daughter that I am too old to talk about the power rangers).

But something siblings don't get on. I have an older brother, (1 year in the difference), and from the time I could walk and talk there was nothing but killings between us.

But I wasn't too sure about having a second child and it turned out to be the right thing to do for me. (I am even thinking about a third)..

Its your decision in the long run, but I think it would be nice for your daughter to have a sibling. As they get older they will get closer. My 2 are inseparable now.