I love women but..

Sony

Do women exist that like equally spending time with their partner ,as on their own/with friends??

And , Are there women out there that understand just because their boyfriend might want to go out lads only some nights it doesnt mean that they dont love them enough??

I broke up with my now ex this week and it was partly to do with this-she drove me over round the bend at the best of times and took everything I said out of context...for example-when I said I was sick of nights in watching dvds etc and wanted to go out for a few beers she got hugely upset insinuating I didnt like spending time alone with her!?! which is obviously not the case-I just wanted a bit of variety and a few nights out....

anyway its not just this ex but previous girlfriends seemed to be a bit insecure in this way and I feel like im walking on eggshells when talking to them--maybe I just picked the wrong apples from the tree

KTRIC

Nope, thats pretty much all women.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Instinct says you're probably better off without her, but if there's a trend, there may be something you're doing too.

Perhaps you need to assert a more independant edge from the very start of the freidnship. Tell her you like the best of both worlds: lads night out, cosy intimate night in. Independant and trustful women do exist - I met one once who suspected I was gay ebcause I don't go on manly piss-ups all the time. But if you don't be honest from the start, you won't attract them.

Sony

yeah that makes sense alright ikky - start as you mean to go on..

Anyway Ive finally learnt the lesson of not getting into a relationship unless Im sure shes the right girl for me - Just a little pissed off that I seem to give the girlfrined space and all the time in the world with her own friends when she wants it but then when it comes to me doing the same - "im treating her badly and neglecting her"

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

K-TRIC wrote:

Nope, thats pretty much all women.

Well that's THIS thread hi-jacked the moment a women reasds that!

Dagon

Yeah, it seems you gotta be careful about getting into a relationship. I remember a girl who I was seeing a while back (and almost in a steady relationship) started wreaking my head by criticising my txt messages and saying I came across as a total asshole in txt messages (even though she thought I was lovely in conversation). Well, maybe she was right in some ways (hey, I don't spend hours trying to write perfect txts and usually just put in a few quick words) but you can't take txt messages as a proper conversation, and become angry or upset about them. I decided to end it there - watch out for early warning signals, little things like that may become bigger things in a few months/years.

chump

Ah no,

There's plenty of women who like spending time alone with their pals as much as the man does with his.

Not all, but I wouldn't generalize in this instance!

LegacyUser

ok, girl speaking here, giving you some advice. we over analyse everything and i mean *everything*. sounds crazy i know but we do. so those text messages you sent are going to be read over and over until all possible meanings are gotten from it.
having said that when im goin out with someone i never give up my nights out with the girlies and would never stop him from goin out with the lads, everyone needs their space.
but yea, over analysing its our specialty! (",)

SONEILL

As a 25 yo woman i would defo agree with this- if you start as you mean to go on then you both know where you stand. Be honest about what you want in regards to socialising and what you want from the relationship from the start if its only a casual thing be clear about this it can save alot of mess in the long run.


If only i could find a fella that would do that -they're far and few between.

dory

I think the trick is to say your going our with your mates on a certain night BEFORE she mentions staying in. That way your not rejecting her idea, just proposing your own.

LegacyUser

well I am ashamed to say that I sometimes want to go out without my fella but feel a huge pinch of insecurity if he is going out without me

I dont know why this is.

I apolgise on behalf of women who are like this.


PS. the reason I don't like going out WITH him is because he gets very boastful when he has drink and I can't listen to him going on about how great he is...
Also he tends to get mad if I don't give him 100% of my attention.

If I kiss or hug him he's like "Uh you were all over me last night, what were you like"!!!
So it basically amounts to the two of us just sitting there doing nothing. Which we could do at home... for free.

CathyMoran

I do not think that it is exclusive to women - for me, the only way to keep a relationship alive is to have your own set of friends.

Heyes

I personally love spending time with my friends, and in any relationship have always ensured that i have done so. I think any good relationship will allow for both to spend time as they wish and to equally spend time apart with friends and together etc.

A good relationship is all about compromise, its most definately not about one person ruling the roost and one feeling they have to do something just to keep the piece.

No relationship will last if its all one sided.

imeddyhobbs

When i read the topic subject for this i taught it was going to say something like i like women but they have hairy arses or something,a well must be just the ones i knew

DublinWriter

imeddyhobbs wrote:

When i read the topic subject for this i taught it was going to say something like i like women but they have hairy arses or something,a well must be just the ones i knew

Or that the OP was about to start playing for the home team!

Seriously, I'll probably get flamed BK-style for saying this, but I find Irish women to be very insecure...not all, but the vast majority.

Sometimes it can be almost like a control thing. If you can't emmote a sense of wanting to be with them (as most Irish guys can't!), then they'll try and wring that out of you in other, more devious ways.

I normally hate American pop-psychology books, but go read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' if you really want to know how a woman thinks (and vice-versa).

MonkeyWrench

DublinWriter wrote:

Sometimes it can be almost like a control thing. If you can't emmote a sense of wanting to be with them (as most Irish guys can't!), then they'll try and wring that out of you in other, more devious ways.

I couldn't agree more DublinWriter. I think it sums up the kind of battleground situations people get into especially at the beginning of a relationship. The devious ways used are usually in the form of tests and if you don't jump through the hoops so to speak then you are downgraded to the doghouse.

Rcuomo

what about the other side of the coin? if the 'man' in the relationship is the one wanting to stay in and cuddle all the time and never go out with his mates. I have a friend like this and since he started going out with his girlfriend we hardly ever see him. He doesnt seem to believe that there should be space/ time apart in the relationship where u go and do your own thing. he's at his girlfriends beck and call 24/7.
I definitely agree with the above about starting as you mean to go on. And im sorry to say my friend has just left himself open to be walked all over. This has happened before to him in previous relationship where he was f*cked over by the girl, and yet he still does it...its kind of pathetic really

ntlbell

I think the problem is mostly with younger women, once they hit 25+ this idiot carry on usually dies off.

Zombrex

TBH honest I don't think it is women per-say, but young people, as ntlbell suggested.

I found during my late teens and early twenties that people were incredibly insecure, myself included, about relationships, and took everything to heart. They were using relationships as an emotional crutch. Eventually, as you get older you grow out of this. Well some people do, I still know people in their late 20s 30s etc that freak out when their boyfriend/girlfriend wants to spend time away from them

breadmonkey

OP, I know exactly what you mean. I love my girlfriend to bits, but I am a very independent person by nature and I like being alone sometimes. Equally, I want to go out with the lads and just get thrashed or whatever.

Sometimes I know she wants me to stay in but I have to be fair to myself as well as to her. My friends are very important to me too, so I'm just not prepared to "cut down".

If she can't understand that, it's not worth it.

Sony

Dory-Telling the girlfriend youre going out before she has a chance to suggest you stay in-- youre right A lot of fellas do this but I think the point is its just annoying having to go to such lengths only so you can have a lads night out!

rcuomo - Most of my friends are off playing happy families with their g/fs aswell and theres a few of them Ive seen very very little of since they met each other, Id never get involved or say anything about it to them - to be honest I think its a little sad that theyre under the thumb and just feel like its their loss , im sure theyll wake up one day in years to come and feel as though they should have made a bit more of their youth

As I said earlier "this start as you mean to go on" is what ive finally taken out of relationships - it might sound very un orthodox and not the "done thing" but in future Im gonna make a point of actually setting it straight with someone before we get into a relationship that I like my own space , she can have hers and tell them exactly where theyll stand with me

Brend

wrong apple's definalty.

takola

ntlbell wrote:

I think the problem is mostly with younger women, once they hit 25+ this idiot carry on usually dies off.

That is such an unfair remark!!! :eek: im 20 (and female) and i dont carry on like an idiot! i dont get insecure if my boyfriend mentions leaving the house without me! i do have to admit to overanalysing some of his text messages in the earlier stage of our relationship but im so used to him now that i dont anymore!! (you're going to get this from every woman or man in the first stages because you're only getting to know each other after all!!!)
have to admit i thought women who went nuts about there guys going out on a lads night out were just myths!!! lol
Bringing the subject around again to what about the men who want to stay in constantly! i cant handle being with someone who wants me with them 24/7, or wants a min by min account of my day!!! i get depressed when i think of the amount of men i've met that think its ok to behave like that!!!

Rcuomo

takola, i wish you'd hav a chat with my mate...i cant imagine that all girls like their boyfriend, to be their bitch also. Its just crazy to me, that someone can just stop going out with their friends when they meet a new girl/fella...

galah

Do women exist that like equally spending time with their partner ,as on their own/with friends??

And , Are there women out there that understand just because their boyfriend might want to go out lads only some nights it doesnt mean that they dont love them enough??

Too tired to be sarcastic, so here's an honest answer:
OF COURSE THEY EXIST!

I'm one of them - and I seriously have no problem if my boyfriend wants to go out with his mates - I am going out with my friends, too, and I certainly would not want tantrums if I suggest I go out on my own - so he's "allowed", too. Plus I do like to spend time on my own, so if I have a night in our place on my own - great ;-)
And I certainly would not think that he doesnt love me enough...

Our relationship is based on trust - he can go out and get absolutely wasted - and I am sure he would not do "anything dodgy". And he knows that if he screws up, he's out of my life (well, I am prepared to forgive one stupid thing, i.e. one drunken snog or so - but he does not need know that...;-)), and he would lose the best thing that ever happened to him (no confidence issues with me...;-)). It works the other way around as well. This is (just to make it clear) based on respect, not terror or fear. I don't think we ever had to discuss going out with friends or anything - come to think of it, we never actually had a fight (in two years). We don't even need to compromise, evening plans just "happen" naturally...

I do not spend time analyzing his messages - waste of time, really. Usually boys write what they think, there are hardly any "hidden" messages (it's way too difficult and time-wasting...), so no need to analyze. Ever. If you need to analyze messages, you might as well not bother...

Talliesin

DublinWriter wrote:

but go read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' if you really want to know how a woman thinks (and vice-versa).

Yep, everything you need to know about human behaviour you can learn from the cash-cow of a misogynist pervert with a bogus PhD and a string of divorces.

It's snake-oil. It looks like snake-oil, it sounds like snake-oil. It even has little flakes of dead snake floating in it.

It's unfair to call it "pop psychology". Pop psychology is psychology published for a popular market, this is just one guy's communication issues expressed as a book on how to deal with communication issues.

py2006

Sony wrote:

rcuomo - Most of my friends are off playing happy families with their g/fs aswell and theres a few of them Ive seen very very little of since they met each other, Id never get involved or say anything about it to them - to be honest I think its a little sad that theyre under the thumb and just feel like its their loss , im sure theyll wake up one day in years to come and feel as though they should have made a bit more of their youth

I totally agree with this! My best mate for years has been lost to a controlling woman!

He used to love coming out for a few pints on weekends etc but since he met this woman 2 years ago I could count the amount of times he has been out on my left hand!

She literally wont let him out of the house! If he attempts to go out on his own its "because he doesn't want to spend time with her", if he wants to meet me for a drink its because "he prefers his mates to her".

Its astonishing how many girls go on like this!

Lux23

I have the same problem except its the other way round. My boyfriend would gladly spend his entire weekend with me whereas I prefer my space. I also like alot of time alone as I am a bit of a loner in some ways but he doesn't understand that at all. I think some people are just very insecure in a realtionship so spending most of your spare time with them makes them feel better.

Sony

yeah Ive a couple of friends exactly like that too py - what im more amazed about is that the lads actually let it happen...Im very reasonable when it comes to relationships but the minute a girlfriends tells me I cant do this or that-well thats it basically...noit an awful lot of women defending themselves on this forum funny enough!!--only joking-i know not ALL women do this!

py2006

Sony wrote:

yeah Ive a couple of friends exactly like that too py - what im more amazed about is that the lads actually let it happen...Im very reasonable when it comes to relationships but the minute a girlfriends tells me I cant do this or that-well thats it basically...noit an awful lot of women defending themselves on this forum funny enough!!--only joking-i know not ALL women do this!

Thats actually true, they guys are just as bad for putting up with that kind of ****e!

This particular friend has a history of falling for pyscho women! His previous girlfriend made him get rid of his Mariah Carey album (don't ask) because "it meant he liked her more than his gf". She was actually jealous of a fecking album cover!

The idiot actually removed the cover and binned it!

Sony

ha thats gas - but he shoulda hidden the cd before she had a chance to see it...I wouldnt be surprised if i was dumped for owning such a thing!!

cupsoftea

"-when I said I was sick of nights in watching dvds etc and wanted to go out for a few beers she got hugely upset insinuating I didnt like spending time alone with her!?! "

In your particular instance, I think there might be a problem in the way you go about things? If you say you want to go out with your buddies, I'd hope most women wouldn't bat an eyelid, but saying you're "sick of nights in", comes across as very rude. I'd be very upset if my boyfriend said that to me to be honest-if you are sick of staying in watvhing DVD's fair enough- take your girlfriend out for dinner and to a concert or something. But getting bored staying in watching the box has nothing to do with wanting to go out with your friends.
I did have a boyfriend who spent his nights out with his friends and his nights in with me, as if i was handy to have around when he was staying in anyway. He didn't last long.
Make sure to spent proper quality time taking your girlfriend out on romantic nights and she shouldn't feel insecure when you go out with your friends. I agree with the post that said sometimes Irish men don't make their girlfriend's feel completely secure (they don't know how sometimes) and I too am one of those that try and guage how they feel in other ways. It's not like we enjoy doing this by the way!!!? We would much prefer if our men just came out and said, " you are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me and every minute spent away from you is hell"!! Seriously. I am not kidding. Nothing is too sad, soppy or improbable.

metrovelvet

Sometimes I wonder ir Irish men are homofiliac and actually prefer the company of other men to that of women.

..just a thought....

py2006

metrovelvet wrote:

Sometimes I wonder ir Irish men are homofiliac and actually prefer the company of other men to that of women.

..just a thought....

Nah, its just that some women can be total head wreckers at times and you need to go out with your mates now and then for a little break!

I think its good for a relationship when both partners have their own set of friends that they can socialise with.

The whole "you must spend 24/7 with me or you don't love me" thing is a head wrecker!

As I said earlier, a mate of mine is in one of them relationships at the moment and I can see it ending soon!

metrovelvet

I would agree with that. Without space you die.

This must be a young couple.

cups of tea - its your job as a woman to make yourself feel secure. If you're man undermines this - then you get rid of him.

If you feel as if you are just convenient for him when hes not with his mates, then dump him. No point in trying to change him.

Spliffany692000

K-TRIC wrote:

Nope, thats pretty much all women.

Couldn help but wet myself laughing at your comment....not all women are like this!! Im not!! I agree we like being secure but being all clingy and stuff...jepers no...I like my man (wen i have one) to know we both have a life outside our relationship and my favourite saying sums up my views on this matter....

.....Absence makes the heart grow fonder......

Its very true for both parties....so Sony....dont worry youll find a girl who likes to live out side the box aswell!!

Sony

this is a bot of an old topic aint it - thanks anyway, I know not all women are like this - but DO think theyre few and far between to be honest with ya

TheVan

Dear God I am right there with you! It is a nightmare, I know girls who are not that sensitive, but some are incredibly sensitive.....weird is they and we have to live with it!

Ickle Magoo

Variety is the spice of life IMO.....

We both go out with our respective friends, with mutual friends & together.... (I am female but I must be one of those who fail to suscribe to the crass generalisations here, lol!)....

Everyone has their faults, some women (and - shock horror - even some men :eek:) have security & jealousy issues....if it bugs you then find someone who doesn't have those particular issues or if you like them enough, take the time & effort to find out why they have the issues & work through them....simple

If a girl (or guy) is being clingy then it shows there are faults with both sides of the relationship....the majority of clingy women I know are not treated as well as they should be in the relationship on top of previous hurts....

Sony

yeah thats very true ickle - I have friends myself who complain about their g/f being clingy but in their case it IS ultimately a case of them treating them so badly that they give the girls reason to believe they dont love em and of course contributing towards them feeling insecure etc

this is'nt how I am with women you'll just have to take my word for it - and as you said seen as it bugs me I should be looking for someone who doesnt have these particular issues....thats what Im doing but my point was that its not so easy to find someone you like(a lot /enough)! never mind someone who wont have these issues......I say this from my own personal experiences ONLY...

thanks for the comment