To the broken-hearted: There's hope for all of us....

BeardyGit

This isn't a personal issue as such but I wanted to post something here anyway as I feel it's relevant to so many threads I read here during the year or so I've been on boards.

In my very late teens and early twenties I acted the complete maggot when out and about. Getting plastered, pulling more often than not on my many nights out drinking and clubbing with friends. Life was great, for what it was. I didn't go to college/university as I wanted to work and be the 'big man' with the money amongst a circle of student friends. It worked in a twisted way - I was the life of the party and the idiot who'd buy rounds of drinks at £150 a throw. What did I care, I had money and that bought me popularity. It also made sure my real friends quickly tired of my showboating and the drifted away over the course of a couple of years, leaving me with shills as 'friends'.

While all of this was going on I was amassing big debts (approaching £25k) despite having a job that payed really good money at the time - I.T. contracting during the boom years. My pay-check bought the drinks and everything else went on the credit cards when I wanted a holiday or a new toy with flashing lights. Bank loans payed off the credit cards and I'd start again.....

I jumped jobs like a cat on a hot tin roof, whenever my social life had taken its toll on my performance in work. Usually this meant even higher earnings and more short term funding for partying and acting the eejit. All good at the time but it was starting to take its toll. Life was just a little too 'fast' for me and a couple of VERY rough close encounters including a night when my heart stopped after guzzling straight spirits came as a bit of a wake-up call.

As happens most of us (or so it would appear), I met a girl and out of the blue fell in love. Wasn't expecting it or else it never would have happened. But she was wonderful and my life quickly started to change for the better. She gave me the real push to get my act together that I desperately needed. I made efforts to get my finances in order which took the best part of 4 years to make any progress. I concentrated on my work during the day, her in the evenings and weekends and my financial commitments come pay-day. All was going well and my life was working out for the best.

Fast forward to the horrible end of my relationship with this girl. I've mentioned the details recently although they're not really important in the context of this post. Suffice to say it was a time of real heart-ache that wasn't going to pass in just a few months. As is usual in such circumstances, I became depressed and allowed my focus on important day to day business to slip away. Financial pressures once again began to build as I cracked under the pressures of work in my somewhat fragile state of mind. I'd packed in my job which was paying to clear my debts as it really didn't seem important to me at the time.

Some of you wonderfully blunt and honest people here have suggested that I have 'issues'. I guess there's an element of truth to this and it may have been apparent in my early posts after discovering the P.I. section on boards. A broken heart can do terrible things to a person, making them bitter and obscuring reality too often for ones own good. There's no formula to apply when looking for a 'fix' to a broken heart. Each of us are unique and the way we arrive at a point where we're ready to open up to someone new will differ greatly from the person standing next to you. I guess it's part of ones individuality. If you're nursing a broken heart, you will get over it eventually. Just don't expect miracles - It took 3 years in my case with several false starts along the way.

In my case, it's been a combination of taking the time to make sure I'm happy, truly satisfied with my life at this time instead of dwelling in the past and feeling miserable about myself. Without sorting out my debts I couldn't be happy. Without putting to rest the residual regret about my last relationship I couldn't be happy. And most importantly, without my friends and family I couldn't have arrived at a point where I can say I'm truly happy with my lot in life. This post isn't the result of a sudden and blinding realisation that I'm doing okay. It's more to point out to everyone that although you will all face trying and seemingly impossible difficulties in life from time to time, the most important element of success in overcoming these challenges is to focus on what will make you happy.

It's too easy to get caught up in a cycle where each time one aspect of your life takes an unexpected turn for the worst, you let everything else slide. The secret as far as I can see is to pay attention to the different things that make up your life - The things by which you can judge your progress, success and failures. For me, this means taking stock once in a while to ensure I never lose focus on the things that have the biggest impact on my happiness.

Today, I took stock of what I have (something I've learned from my female friends!) and can say with all good conscience that I am happy. I have a great job which I love in my chosen career, a healthy bank balance, friends who are there because they like me for me instead of my credit cards, and a wonderful woman who sees my faults and embraces them as part of who I am instead of making me want to hide them. To the broken hearted I'd urge you all to take time to heal and then get back in the game instead of wallowing in your misery and hiding behind your newfound scepticism. There *are* good women/men out there - You just have to be ready for them when they come along.

It's not easy when you're right in the middle of a world of sh1t but believe me, if you try to focus on your happiness and be brutally honest (but not cruel!) with yourself, there's little you can't overcome. If I could sort out what was going wrong with my life there's just as much of a chance you can too.

This isn't a big back-pat for me. I'm still a big of a baxtard at heart and I know it. It's just a few words of encouragement from a born at heart cynic to people who might just gain something from it.

Gil

Chinafoot

Well said Gil.

Kudos to you.

hbkn

Thanks for that Gil - from someone who is in a place you were in, its good to hear that it gets better..

Phone.Book

Good for you!

A nice happy ending...

py2006

Thanks for that gill! Very well put and very well articulated.

I have been going through several little personal dramas over the last few years and I don't know where to start to get my life back in order. I don't even know what its like to be happy! But I have taken great comfort in what you have said and I am very pleased for you.

I hope I can take a leaf out of your book! Perhaps, one day, I will!

Congrats!

AngryBadger

Can't argue with that kind of logic. Well said that man.

Tim06

Thanks for sharing that with us Gil, i am new enough to Boards so haven't seen your previous threads on PI. Think that a lot of people myself included can take a lot of heart from your post.