Messed up bigtime with Girlfriend

LegacyUser

Well I've really gone and done it now. My girlfriend and I took a break 3 weeks ago, because I was unsure as to my feelings for her. I went out last night to see how I could get on with other girls and ended up getting totally ballooned. Some bird I half knew hopped me, and I ended up being with her for the night. There was blacking out etc etc and I woke up beside her this morning.
This is the sore part. Having done this, I now have confirmed my love for my girlfriend, and never want to look at another now. The hard truth is however that of course in doing this she will more than likely leave me. And she'ed probably be right. I could never keep a lie that big from her, and will have to tell her. Should I do my damnedest to bury this and keep it locked away forever, or be truthful and lose my true love.

AngryBadger

Tough call. What prompted the need for a break? Did you outline the condirons of the break? i.e. did you agree to see other people?

Obviously the problem is if you tell her she will take this as meaning that you're feelings for her aren't really genuine since, in her view, the minute you were cut loose you wound up with someone else.

I honestly don't know what to tell you. Part of me thinks you should be honest with her, and if your' relationship can weather that storm then you'll be that much better for it.

The other part of me says keep your lips sealed about it, you'll only hurt her by telling her, and if, as you maintain, you really love this girl then you won't do it again.

But I think ultimately you have to tell her. And you have to deal with the **** that comes after. If you don't you're hiding something, it will change your whole perspective on your gf, and on your relationship, and in the end it will cause huge problems.

So I say tell her.

Mezcita

I would not tell her under any circumstances. It’s quite simple; you were not officially going out with your girl at the time and made a drunken mistake. It’s not like you went out to intentionally hurt your girl. But if you tell her what you did she would probably have a lot of trouble in forgiving you. Basically she would see it that you are out getting laid three weeks after splitting up with her. A tough thing for anyone to accept, especially after they have been dumped.

In a way the good thing about what you did is that you have realised how important your girlfriend is to you. Get back with her if you can, say nothing and put it all behind you. It’s not about being dishonest. It’s just about realising that honesty may lead to you losing her for good.

Good luck.

kittenkiller

If I found out my boyfriend did that there'd be no trurning back.
That'd be it, Bye Bye!

How understanding is your girlfriend?
Why did you go on the break?
Did you discuss other people beforehand?

Did she even cross your mind while you were f*cking this random girl?
if she didn't could you love her that much?

40YardScreamer

kittenkiller wrote:

If I found out my boyfriend did that there'd be no trurning back.
That'd be it, Bye Bye!

How understanding is your girlfriend?
Why did you go on the break?
Did you discuss other people beforehand?

Did she even cross your mind while you were f*cking this random girl?
if she didn't could you love her that much?

He said that he came to realise his feelings afterwards. Thats an important point in my view. Sure, he shouldnt have got drunk and slept with this other girl but it has happened. The other important point is that you would be saying bye bye if you knew. You wouldnt if you didnt know. Sounds harsh but its his only way of getting her back. Might play on his mind down the years if they end up married with kids, but there wont be any marraige or kids with this girl if he doesnt lie (well that would be the most likely outcome if he tells her)

kittenkiller

But that'd be keeping something HUGE from her for the rest of their lives together!
It'll come out in the end anyway. Why bring a marriage & kids into the equation?

Also, if he was that hammered, did he use protection?
Or will his girlfriend find out he cheated by going to a doctor to get her itch checked out?

LundiMardi

the key question here is whether or not you agreed to see other people.

Cactus Col

Just suck it up and tell her.

Blacked out or not, totally mullered or not, it's something you did, you just gotta hope that she'll forgive.

She's gonna find out in the end anyway, they always do, better it comes from you.

~Leanne~

I dont understand why couples go on these "breaks"! Either you are with each other or not! If my bf turned around to me tomorrow and said he wasnted a "break" id tell him where to go! I just dont understand it at all!

As for telling your girlfriend, more than likely she will find out in the end if this girl you were with was local.if she wasnt then id say nothing and salvage what you have with ur gf and start afresh.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. I'm feeling a bit different today. Texted her this morning to tell her I love her and we are meeting up later. I know I love her now, whereas before I was plagued with what ifs, and all that rubbish. I think I should keep my mouth shut. Then, when we are settled again in a month or two, tell her there was a kiss. At least then I have more time to get her pregnant and trapped...JOKING! I think its a better idea though.
The break by the way, was supposed to be just time apart, with the chance we wouldnt get back.
I am sick of accepting defeat with love, and I want her so much, and I am willing to wage the ultimate war, the war within.

OrangeOranges

Dude, your a bit too "deep" for yer own head if you ask me!

What age are you if you mind me asking? I personally wouldn't even joke about the preggers thing. I turned white here just reading about it !!!Worst nightmare!

If a person were to be cold about the whole situ.

Why did you break-up with her. Ans = sex (cos you went looking for it immediately)

Why back with her. Ans = it's out of your system.

All the rest is BS if you ask me.

Millions of blokes around the planet do it but don't get into the whole BS that you've started. Breaking-up, back together .............

How many dudes have cheated but you still hear them say they love their wives/girlfriends etc etc .

The point is a relationship means ya have to sacrafice that need. Ideally you get more in return. if not = walk.

To me it looks like you wanted to cheat, wanted a guilt-free shag. Imo because your "deep" and prob consider yourself "honest, trustworthy, nice bloke, considerate ...etc etc..... you broke up with her first.

IMO doesnt make it less unfaithful.


Anyways. The guilt won't be a problem. As a man - your built for it:D
you can deal with it if you want . Wanting to tell your partner is a selfish act cos you can't handle the guilt. If you are never ever gonna do it again and you have been cute enough not to get caught ..then why tell her?

Honestly it looks like your not right for a relationship. I'd take the space while ya have it , or cheat and shut up about it!

Fanny Cradock

so you know you now love her, but your going to wait a few months to tell her a half truth, or more correctly, a lie. revealing to her that you kissed someone when you did a lot more is really only to ease your conscience and not out of any respect for her. either tell her the truth and accept the results, or keep it to yourself.

as Leanne said, i can't comprehend the whole "break" thing. it's just messy

40YardScreamer

Fanny Cradock wrote:

so you know you now love her, but your going to wait a few months to tell her a half truth, or more correctly, a lie. revealing to her that you kissed someone when you did a lot more is really only to ease your conscience and not out of any respect for her. either tell her the truth and accept the results, or keep it to yourself.

as Leanne said, i can't comprehend the whole "break" thing. it's just messy

Well it worked on friends. No wait....

[Jackass]

jalfredprufrock wrote:

Well I've really gone and done it now. My girlfriend and I took a break 3 weeks ago, because I was unsure as to my feelings for her. I went out last night to see how I could get on with other girls and ended up getting totally ballooned. Some bird I half knew hopped me, and I ended up being with her for the night. There was blacking out etc etc and I woke up beside her this morning.
This is the sore part. Having done this, I now have confirmed my love for my girlfriend, and never want to look at another now. The hard truth is however that of course in doing this she will more than likely leave me. And she'ed probably be right. I could never keep a lie that big from her, and will have to tell her. Should I do my damnedest to bury this and keep it locked away forever, or be truthful and lose my true love.

BURY IT!!!

If you REALLY have to get it off your chest, go to confession or something!! You know it ment nothing, you know you love her, you regret it and you want her back....SHE'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND!! Make it up to her by treating her better than any other guy could...but for the love of god, don't tell her until you are AT LEAST 87 with 32 grand kids and on a resperator!

kittenkiller

I felt sorry for you in your 1st post.
But now I couldn't tell you what I think of you without getting banned form PI!

What a horrible thing to do!
LIE to her to ease your own conscience after you CHEATED on her?
I hope she took full advantage of this 'break' too!
& I hope he was a real man, she could probably do with one!

40YardScreamer

kittenkiller wrote:

I felt sorry for you in your 1st post.
But now I couldn't tell you what I think of you without getting banned form PI!

What a horrible thing to do!
LIE to her to ease your own conscience after you CHEATED on her?
I hope she took full advantage of this 'break' too!
& I hope he was a real man, she could probably do with one!

harsh, i think alot of people easily ignore the fact that drink causes problems. i doubt he set out to do this on his girlfriend. lets just keep it in context.

Fanny Cradock

the drink didn't MAKE him sleep with someone else. that was his choice alone.

the deed is done, and whether he intended to or not, the result is the same. some may say that mistakes happen. however, the premeditated lie the OP intends telling a couple of months down the line isn't something that will just happen.

40YardScreamer

Fanny Cradock wrote:

the drink didn't MAKE him sleep with someone else. that was his choice alone.

the deed is done, and whether he intended to or not, the result is the same. some may say that mistakes happen. however, the premeditated lie the OP intends telling a couple of months down the line isn't something that will just happen.

I agree that the lie is wrong. But the guy is clearly confused, worried and lookign for advice. Its not fair to judge him like you did.

Tar.Aldarion

Tell her, it may be rough but she has to know.
Try to win her back if you love her.

Fanny Cradock

40YardScreamer wrote:

I agree that the lie is wrong. But the guy is clearly confused, worried and lookign for advice. Its not fair to judge him like you did.

how exactly have i judged him, RK??

come on a public forum and expect to hear some harsh truths.

40YardScreamer

Fanny Cradock wrote:

how exactly have i judged him, RK??

come on a public forum and expect to hear some harsh truths.

so what did you mean by this
'But now I couldn't tell you what I think of you without getting banned form PI!'

Also, what does RK mean

Fanny Cradock

i thought that you were r-keane incogneto.

as for that quote, it wasn't me

Gordon

40YardScreamer wrote:

Also, what does RK mean

You know fine well.

Sitebanned for getting round a PI ban with this new nick.

Fanny Cradock

woops, didn't realise that this would happen. sincerest apologies.

LegacyUser

for OP:

keep stum say nought you made a mistake you shouldnt have to lose your love (IF ya do love her) over a silly drunken mistake

LegacyUser

well i met her tonight and cooked her dinner etc.
She asked me 3 times was I faithful during the time off. 3 times I lied.
I was completely **** faced saturday night and barely remember it, but I remember wishing it was my girlfriend that was there, and possibly kissing back cos in an alcohol kinda way i was dependant on her. The half sex (just penetration for a little while, no cumming) was ridiculously bad as I couldnt take my mind off my girlfriend, and didnt want to do it anyway, but i kinda half knew the girl and she knows my mates sisters and I didnt want to be a big disappointment. Pathetic I know. I even kept calling her my girlfriends name by mistake when in conversation.
Tonight I declared undying love and I realised that her knowing about what happened would be impossible for her to get over, she would always be doubting my love, so for that reason, I must keep this locked away.
Lets face it, its not that big a thing, why let this tiny thing destroy EVERY thing.

_Turismo4

You made a mistake under drink, therefore you should not feel guilty, ok it's wrong but> I wouldn’t say anything, as you could end up making another mistake, Just put it behind you and don’t f**k up again.

ionapaul

You made a mistake under drink, therefore you should not feel guilty

Please tell me you don't believe this...please...?

kittenkiller

jalfredprufrock wrote:

well i met her tonight and cooked her dinner etc.
She asked me 3 times was I faithful during the time off. 3 times I lied.
I was completely **** faced saturday night and barely remember it, but I remember wishing it was my girlfriend that was there, and possibly kissing back cos in an alcohol kinda way i was dependant on her. The half sex (just penetration for a little while, no cumming) was ridiculously bad as I couldnt take my mind off my girlfriend, and didnt want to do it anyway, but i kinda half knew the girl and she knows my mates sisters and I didnt want to be a big disappointment. Pathetic I know. I even kept calling her my girlfriends name by mistake when in conversation.
Tonight I declared undying love and I realised that her knowing about what happened would be impossible for her to get over, she would always be doubting my love, so for that reason, I must keep this locked away.
Lets face it, its not that big a thing, why let this tiny thing destroy EVERY thing.

Guess what I'd call you if I could!
Guess!

Good holy christ! You LIED to her about it THREE times on your 1st encounter with her!!
You must really love her.
I wish someone loved me like that... Really!

It obviously matters to her if you cheated or not & you lying to her like that is blatently disrespecting her!

So lets say you've gotten away with it once...
What'll stop you from doing it again?

Be a man (if you can).
Face the music & tell her!

It makes me feel actually sick to my stomach that there are so many guys like you out there!
Someone pass the Motilium.

doggiesherd

I thought you were on a break.

What she doesn't know, won't hurt her

kittenkiller

doggiesherd wrote:

I thought you were on a break.

What she doesn't know, won't hurt her

Until the itch starts to spread!

hepcat

If ye were on a break, its no crime having a drunken night with someone else. BUT, why did your girlfriend ask you 3 times whether you'd been with anyone? Did she not believe you the first time? Maybe she already heard something? You've sort of missed your chance to come clean - do it very soon if you can. The fact you had this one-nighter does not mean you don't love her - but the fact that you tell her about it (NOW) means you do respect and (hopefully) love her. The only way to resurrect this situatio is to tell her now, as she won't forgive you later when she finds out (especially after asking you 3 times).

hshortt

Rachel took Ross back

hepcat

hshortt wrote:

Rachel took Ross back

And you call yourself BigMember:)

LegacyUser

I think that your girlfriend already has trust issues, if she had to ask you 3 times if you slept with someone else.
If you trust someone it wouldnt even cross your mind that they would do that to you.
My boyfriend of 3 years slept with someone else during a 3 month break, which can be expected but what made it hurt so much is that he wasted no time in sh@gging someone else. Only 2 weeks after.
When we got back together, I never asked him did he sleep with someone else, as we were on a break.
But he volunteeringly told me that he slept with someone about 6 weeks after me, which was alright, bit p!ssed off, but we'd broken up.
Then he must of felt guilty about lying cos he told me then a couple of months ago that it was less then 2 weeks after. I have not been able to get it out of my head since then, I feel that he couldnt have been in love with me and shagged someone else.
It has wrecked my head and I dont know if I'll ever be in as love with him as I was. My advice is not to tell your girlfriend. It will ruin her, and if she stays with you, it will take ages for her to get over. The only person that benefits is you, as you wont have this guilty secret. Even if you break up with her, do not tell her. She's better off.

py2006

kittenkiller wrote:

It makes me feel actually sick to my stomach that there are so many guys like you out there!

It is awful that there are men out there who will willingly cheat! But in fairness, there is an awful lot of women who cheat aswell! And alot of these women that these men are with know full well that they have wives/girlfriends etc.

While I don't condone cheating as its disrespectful and can be very damaging to the other party it has to be said that they were actually apart at this stage! So technically, is this cheating?

I haven't read down through the whole thread but I think if couples go on this so called "break" thing it usually means they or one of them wants to "sample the rest of the menu" for a bit and "test their feelings for one another" and all that crap!

Personally, I have never been on one of these "breaks". If my girlfriend told me she wanted to go on a break I would take it as the relationship is going nowhere and vice versa if I was to do it to her!

OP, is it a possiblity that she was out with some guys during this break?

Also, I think it is very important that you tell her about what happened if you want to stay with this girl! Its just something you cant leave out!

kittenkiller

Py2006, It's not the cheating thing that makes me sick (although that's bad enough), It's the lying that sickens me!
This guy feels that by outright lying to the girl he claims to "love" he's being a man about things.
As for *breaks*, they're stupid unless ground rules have been layed out, in this case, his girlfriend asked him if he was "unfaithful" while they were apart, so she obviously sees their time apart as thinking time rather than screwing around time.
He's showing her no respect & taking the cowards way out in every aspect of what he's doing/has done.

py2006

kittenkiller wrote:

Py2006, It's not the cheating thing that makes me sick (although that's bad enough), It's the lying that sickens me!
This guy feels that by outright lying to the girl he claims to "love" he's being a man about things.
As for *breaks*, they're stupid unless ground rules have been layed out, in this case, his girlfriend asked him if he was "unfaithful" while they were apart, so she obviously sees their time apart as thinking time rather than screwing around time.
He's showing her no respect & taking the cowards way out in every aspect of what he's doing/has done.

I agree, he should tell her! She will be devastated and it could very well end the relationship! But it will be a million times worse if she was to find out later down the road!

BoozyBabe

py2006 wrote:

Personally, I have never been on one of these "breaks". If my girlfriend told me she wanted to go on a break I would take it as the relationship is going nowhere and vice versa!

Agreed.
But if the situation ever did arise that I was on a break (yes, he's not tied by me so can do what he wants), but if we then got back together after a short time apart, & I found out he'd slept with someone else straight away, we would be finished permanently.

It would hurt me too much


I was in a similar(ish) situation before. Long term relationship, bf had erection probs, wouldn't get it sorted with doc. Said it's something I'd have to live with.
I eventually broke up with him.
Then found out in next few days he went to doc, got viagra, & shagged some randomer prob the V next weekend.

I was SO hurt, even though I was never getting back with him anyway.
I can laugh at it now, but not then, it tore me apart, we were great great friends, but it all changed after that

tbh

I kind of had sympathy for you until I read she asked you three times and you denied it. I'm sure a cock was crowing somewhere. The fact is, she is making her decision to be with you based on information that isn't true, and, in this case, her rights outweigh yours to keep this to yourself. What you did directly affects her - mistake or not - and its one thing to keep it to yourself, but quite another to lie about it when asked a direct question. I could forgive my girlfriend for an honest mistake, but it would be much harder to forgive a massive breech of trust like that. You made a mistake, but instead of owning up to it like a man, you lied like a boy. That makes you a different person to the one she thinks you are. Tell the truth.

py2006

BoozyBabe wrote:

Agreed.
But if the situation ever did arise that I was on a break (yes, he's not tied by me so can do what he wants), but if we then got back together after a short time apart, & I found out he'd slept with someone else straight away, we would be finished permanently.

It would hurt me too much


I was in a similar(ish) situation before. Long term relationship, bf had erection probs, wouldn't get it sorted with doc. Said it's something I'd have to live with.
I eventually broke up with him.
Then found out in next few days he went to doc, got viagra, & shagged some randomer prob the V next weekend.

I was SO hurt, even though I was never getting back with him anyway.
I can laugh at it now, but not then, it tore me apart, we were great great friends, but it all changed after that

Hmm, thats a delicate issue for some guys! You have to be careful were you thread with that one! I don't know your full story so I wont second guess anything but I hope you didn't makes things worse for the poor guy by dumping him over it! Viagra is only a short term solution!

Anyway, wayyyy off topic!

You should have told her, not lied like that.
That's just horrible.
Now you might have a relationship founded on cheating and lies.
Tell her asap.

_Turismo4

ionapaul wrote:

Please tell me you don't believe this...please...?

How many mistakes have you made while being locked and woke up the next day regretting your actions, I know in my book’’ I’ve lost count.

Seraphina

jalfredprufrock wrote:

She asked me 3 times was I faithful during the time off. 3 times I lied.

i kinda half knew the girl and she knows my mates sisters and I didnt want to be a big disappointment.

chances are your gf already knows.
you lost your chance to come clean.
i hope she ****s you over big time.

bug

jalfredprufrock wrote:

well i met her tonight and cooked her dinner etc.
She asked me 3 times was I faithful during the time off. 3 times I lied.
I was completely **** faced saturday night and barely remember it, but I remember wishing it was my girlfriend that was there, and possibly kissing back cos in an alcohol kinda way i was dependant on her. The half sex (just penetration for a little while, no cumming) was ridiculously bad as I couldnt take my mind off my girlfriend, and didnt want to do it anyway, but i kinda half knew the girl and she knows my mates sisters and I didnt want to be a big disappointment. Pathetic I know. I even kept calling her my girlfriends name by mistake when in conversation.
Tonight I declared undying love and I realised that her knowing about what happened would be impossible for her to get over, she would always be doubting my love, so for that reason, I must keep this locked away.
Lets face it, its not that big a thing, why let this tiny thing destroy EVERY thing.

right. to be honest, you strike me as a little self involved.
its not all about you and how you feel. Its not up to you to decide if its a "tiny thing". In my opinion she has a right to know what you've done, so she can weigh up all the options and decide if she wants to be with you.

This is what she thinks: he went off, was a little mixed up, now he's back (a) because he really loves me and missed me. (b) values what he took a break from.

Now WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: you got a little mixed up because as you say, you were unsure of your feelings for someone you were already going out with. You landed in bed with a random mates friends sister pirate,.. whatever.. (someone your gf will possible meet in some social situation in the future). But OMG you were so drunk! You couldnt cum, but you knew you'd rather it was your passed-off-bird you would rather have been doing.

Mate, you're, ... classy..

So there you were, lying with someone, doing her, pining your current gf..

See the difference between reality versus fantasy?

Now. Tell the girl. Give her the same respect she gave you when she agreed to this break you wanted. (Only you know whether or not there was an agreement to with other people in that time).

Tell the girl what she is up against, and knowing all the facts, let her see if you are worth being with.

Proffession of undying love and lying three times in one conversation...? They kinda equal each other out to nothing.

_Turismo4

_Turismo4 wrote:

How many mistakes have you made while being locked and woke up the next day regretting your actions, I know in my book’’ I’ve lost count.

Hm, let me see. Oh yeah, none.
If it's that much of a problem for you, stop getting drunk so much. Geez =/

rsynnott

_Turismo4 wrote:

You made a mistake under drink, therefore you should not feel guilty, ok it's wrong but> I wouldn’t say anything, as you could end up making another mistake, Just put it behind you and don’t f**k up again.

How well does that scale? Am I allowed guilt-free murder if slightly tipsy? May I kick the cat when roaring drunk? How exactly does this "drink absolves you from guilt" thing work? May I humbly submit that it's nonsense?

LegacyUser

Well tonight I lost the love of my life. Why didnt I just stick to my guns. Ended up stopping the car not to far from hers, and told her all.
I felt like I was choking, but I love her so much I had to tell her.
She started crying and then just said 'goodbye' and got out.
I texted her friend to ask was she alright, and her friend told me that she never wants to see me again.
You see her last boyfriend also cheated on her. Except he did it for months behind her back. This is hell. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FuzzyWuzzyWazza

bluewolf wrote:

Hm, let me see. Oh yeah, none.
If it's that much of a problem for you, stop getting drunk so much. Geez =/

yeah my thoughts exactly...


OP if you see this relationship going on for a long time,as in marrige and what not, I would say tell her.

If you are both young, which I am guessing form your posts, don't tell her, as in a year or two you might be very different people and go your seperate ways, so whats the point in hurting her now.

that being said, if I where you I would have told her the truth when u met up.

_Turismo4

bluewolf wrote:

Hm, let me see. Oh yeah, none.
If it's that much of a problem for you, stop getting drunk so much. Geez =/

stop getting drunk so much..... ARE YOU FOR REAL PAL, REMEMBER HIS IS IRELAND…The land of Drink....and when your young…you don’t seam to care.."Right"

rsynnott wrote:

How well does that scale? Am I allowed guilt-free murder if slightly tipsy? May I kick the cat when roaring drunk? How exactly does this "drink absolves you from guilt" thing work? May I humbly submit that it's nonsense?

Can’t answer your question at the moment, as I just got in from Tramco... I’m drunk….:eek:

kittenkiller

Let her cool down a bit.
Of course she was saying that she never wanted to see you again right after you told her you did somone else.
What did you expect her to do?

You've done the right thing in telling her & it's only now that you have a chance to start all over again on an even standing with her.

The only thing that might have mad it better would have been for you to have seriously thought about what you were going to say & HOW you were going to break it to her.

Give her time to cool down & remind her that you do love her.
Grovel.
When she attacks you for what you did, keep your cool, apologise & NEVER lose your rag with her, she has a right to be angry & doesn't need to hear you justifying what you did in any way.

Best of luck though. (You'd better hope to god she never see's this thread!)