Broody

LegacyUser

Maybe a bit of a strange one, for the last year I have found myself feeling more and more broody. Initially it would come as a phase and last a week or two. Then it would go away. But then the phases would get longer and closer together and for the last couple of months it is this constant nagging sensation.

I'm 29 and although I've been married for the last 3 years my husband and I have decided to not have children for another 3-4 years. We bought a house last year and plan to work a lot for the next few years and pay off as much of the mortgage as possible. Then we will have reduced our re-payments and with luck my husband will be earning more so I can afford to leave work and bring up our children.

I agree with this plan as I would rather not have children if I can't afford to stay at home with them. As at the end of the day we shouldn't have children to please ourselves but when we are in a position to do the best for the new person we are bringing into the world. And there is no way we could afford our house on my husbands salary alone. Besides that I still really enjoy doing things that I couldn't do with kids, like travelling with friends or going out and partying til dawn.

But no-one has informed my hormones of this. I constantly dream that I am pregnant or have a baby, and I wake up feeling a sense of loss. I find myself drawn to stories about new motherhood and today in a healthfood shop I found myself holding a packet of folic acid and I was really reluctant to put it down.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting by posting up here, maybe to know if anybody else has gone through this. And has any tips for making it go away, (apart from having a baby).

The_Conductor

Maybe its time to sit down with your hubby and have an honest chat with him?
Kids are expensive- both financially and timewise, and once you have them they will be your life. While you are being very practical by trying to payoff as much of your mortgage as possible in these early days (which does make a lot of sense to do so before interest rates really shoot up) at the end of the day- its only one aspect of the matter. The longer you wait to have kids- the older you will be while they are growing up (and believe you me, kids are bundles of energy that even the fitest person would have trouble trying to take care of).

When you do make the decision to stay at home- it is going to be a massive change in lifestyle- living off one salary instead of two.

You really try to get things clear in your own head a little more- and then sit down and discuss your feelings with your hubby.

LegacyUser

While flicked through the auld TV channels a few weeks ago, I ended up stopping on a documentary on Channel 4 called something like "She's having a baby". I was shocked at a fact they threw up, that 50% of women over 35 years old are technically infertile. I'm a single 33 year old male, whose biological clock certainly isn't ticking that loudly, since I can "brew up a fresh batch", but it completely blew apart what I thought was an accepted fact that 40 was the "best before date" for women. After that, having a baby was dangerous for the mother, and lead to increased risk of abnormalities.

Apologies for the colourful language, but I just had a bottle of wine, after a hard month of work. My point is, evolution expects women to have kids in their twenties.... at the peak of their health. Feminism, career and financial pressures have been pushing that into the thirties, or late thirties.

I would suggest that your hormones are telling you that you are ready....
You mind is over analysing, and saying that you don't have enough money, . don't want to leave work, don't want to be stuck in the house, etc.
I imagine there's plenty of families coping on less money than yourself now, so you just have weigh up how much you're willing to compromise.

regards,
Owen

Lex Luthor

I agree with smccarrick, have a good chat with your husband.

We have 2 kids under 5 and the costs are immense, but you manage. My wife plans to leave her job in June and stay at home for a few years...they've been in a creche since they were both 6months old. Its a big decision to make, whatever you do. The first few years are precious...

Thinking back now we sometimes feel we should have had them earlier. I was 29 & she was 30 when we had our first. I have a few friends now in their mid 30's that decided to wait like you did to have their kids and they are finding it difficult to conceive. But you have to make the decision which is right for both of you.

Our first child was not planned. We thought like yourselves to have one good year after we got married, have a few holidays and pay off the mortgage. But my wife got pregnant and our circumstances changed.

Having kids is life changing, but not for the worse.

As for the folic acid, just because you are not trying, doesn't mean you shouldn't be taking them. Accidents can happen and better be safe than sorry.

Best of luck

Shabadu

1) People always find a way to make it work financially.

2) Physically, your optimal time to conceive stops at 32.

3) There will never be the 'perfect' time to have a baby when everything is just right financially and emotionally.

Just talk to your husband. If it helps curb the broodiness, my two yr old has been calling me smelly all morning.

CathyMoran

My mum decided to wait a few years after she married before she had kids - in those days there was a marriage ban in a lot of places in Ireland so dad and mum lived in London for a few years and when they had saved up enough money they returned home, bought a house and my brother soon followed (she was 29 when she had my brother and 35 when she had me).

I would love to stay at home when I have kids but a few years ago realised that it would not be practical nor would I really want it, I saw my mum staying at home when we were growing up and she never really had a full life afterwards so I could not see myself doing it (though I might like to take a 5 year career break). In the end I went for a job which was more family friendly and am hoping to start a family later in the year (will be 32 shortly), however I am scared about having left it so late, only time will tell.

Having two relatively older parents has had its good and bad points:
Good in that they were more mature when they had us, were more financially stable.
Bad in that I have less time with them no matter which way you put it (ie they may die when I am still relatively young), I know that is being selfish but if I could choose I would rather have had the extra years with my parents.

I can understand fully where you are coming from but in the end there is never a perfect time to have kids, you and your husband would cope if they arrived now...if I could turn back the clock I would have had them years ago even though financially we are more stable now. (Oh, and I am at the stage when I cry when I see a cute baby, talk about broody...)

Lorcul

Ahh I really feel for your dilemma. You seem to be ready emotionally. I had my first child at 24 by choice as I wanted children while I was younger. I had my second and last baby four months ago.
Only you and your hubby can make such a big decision. Sometimes it can be good to follow your heart though.
Again and I do not want to be negative but I have two close friends one 29 and another 31 who waited a few years and are now having difficulty concieving. One is attending fertility clinic at present. This is nothing to do with your situation.
Again talk to hubby and whatever decision ye come too I am sure it will be the right one for ye.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I don't know a cure for broodiness other than having children, I'm afraid.....either your own or a loan of someone elses!

I really think you should sit your husband down and have a good honest chat about how you are feeling & get out the calculator & see what can be done in the way of compromising....for the vast majority of couples there is never a perfect time to have kids & never a time when it seems like a wise financial decision....you just make do....we said we would never survive on my husbands wage but we do & we don't feel we miss out on anything.....

We are in the same age group as you & we were the first of our friends to get married & have kids & now a few of our friends are having problems conceiving & their ages mean time is running out with regards to their options....so many people just assume they will get pregnant as soon as they start trying and unfortunately this is often not the case....so maybe your hormones are trying to tell you something?

On the other hand if you really don't want kids yet & hate feeling broody then maybe working out exactly when it could be an option for you (summer 2009?) may make your hormones quit panicking! I used to go through periods of feeling broody but a weekend looking after my sisters kids tended to fix that pretty sharpish! Do you have any friends/families with young children? Best of luck