'Break'

LegacyUser

Afternoon all, going unregged for this one.

I have been seeing a girl for the past year and I'm head over heels in love. She's alot older than I am, 7 years in fact. However in the past couple of weeks an 'outside force' has really jarred her and forced her to call a break. Her ex is famous and she spent alot of the last couple of weeks in the papers as he spread some lies about her in the tabloids. They broke as he did the dirt on her alot. Now this guy not so long ago asked her visit him for a chat as his latest relationship collapsed he hasn't may true friends, so she did so as a friend. And that's what she thought he was until he went and published this drivel.

Now she has been really down since this stuff was published and says she can't trust anyone as she thought he was a friend. She's lost all confidence in relationships and this has also effected her very healthy appetite for s'x. I knew something was wrong so we met last week and this all came out.

Firstly she went as far as to say I can't believe I've contemplated marrying a guy as young as you etc. and then said at this moment in time her head was so fcuked up that she couldn't remain in a relationship. She loved seeing me and would love to do so as a friend, I said I couldn't do that. So we decided the best thing was a break for a couple of weeks.

This is not what I wanted as I really have done nothing wrong but rather than her come over and the fact she doesn't want anything s'xual eventually I'd get p'ssed as she is very attractive and wouldn't be able to help myself. So I agreed to a break.

Now I have 2 options - 1. Wait for her to come back to me.
2. Offer my services as a friend as a loved one is supposed to do?, and prove her in that time of being a friend I can be trusted.

I'm of the opinion that no 1 is my best option as I have done the best I can in the past year I have done nothing but be in her own words the 'prefect boyfriend' and we've just spent a great weekend away for valentines. After all it's guys from the past who have misplaced her trust not me.

Would be interested in your opinions......

skywalker

Maybe Im missing something but I dont see why she'd break up with you over something an ex boyfriend did. Sounds like the issue is with her, & perhaps her desire to be with said ex.

LegacyUser

No, she's has asked for a break as the stuff/lies in the papers has rekindled her feelings of distrust or lack of trust in any kind of relationship friendship or otherwise, as he was supposed to be a friend and he said this rubbish bout her in the media.

Last thing she wants is to be back with said ex, she hates him after this newspaper stuff!

Ickle Magoo

What to do.... wrote:

Now she has been really down since this stuff was published and says she can't trust anyone as she thought he was a friend. She's lost all confidence in relationships and this has also effected her very healthy appetite for s'x. I knew something was wrong so we met last week and this all came out.

Am I getting this right....

The ex did the dirty on her a lot & then they split up but she considered him a friend & is now surprised he's gone to the tabloids? Erm.....

She has been in a safe, solid, relationship for 7 whole yrs but this ex going to the tabloids has shaken her trust in you? Erm....

OP, I know you don't want to hear this but these all sound like mighty lame excuses for ending a 7yr relationship you are really happy in......sorry

AngryBadger

Are you more upset about the break or the sudden withholding of sex? Can't be too sure from your post.

Short and long of it is, you have very little say in this matter. The outcome is up to her, whatever the issue, only she can decide if she want to pick up with you again or not. If you really want to pursue something with her then your only option is to be a friend for now if she'll let you, and see where things go.

I don't necessarily get why she felt the need to go on a break over whatever transpired, but I don't know the full facts, there may be more going on than you know, or whatever went down between her and this guy may have been a big deal.

LegacyUser

been here, done that.

i ****ed up and tried to chase her. If she really loves you she will come around, give her some space to clear her head at the end of the day you wont have anything to lose.

The age difference wasnt a problem 2 weeks ago, and in a few weeks it wont be either.

keep close by on the sidelines and help her through this rough patch. keep available for her and let her know you are there for her.

Do not approach her for the next few days, give it till friday/saturday and drop a friendly message inquiring into how she is feeling, maybe drop a "i miss talking to you" etc friendly comment and shows you miss her, but not in a relationship/sexual way.

Best of luck m8, i lost my older beauty, i hope you dont

cance

been here, done that.

i ****ed up and tried to chase her. If she really loves you she will come around, give her some space to clear her head at the end of the day you wont have anything to lose.

The age difference wasnt a problem 2 weeks ago, and in a few weeks it wont be either.

keep close by on the sidelines and help her through this rough patch. keep available for her and let her know you are there for her.

Do not approach her for the next few days, give it till friday/saturday and drop a friendly message inquiring into how she is feeling, maybe drop a "i miss talking to you" etc friendly comment and shows you miss her, but not in a relationship/sexual way.

Best of luck m8, i lost my older beauty, i hope you dont

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Am I getting this right....

The ex did the dirty on her a lot & then they split up but she considered him a friend & is now surprised he's gone to the tabloids? Erm.....

She has been in a safe, solid, relationship for 7 whole yrs but this ex going to the tabloids has shaken her trust in you? Erm....

OP, I know you don't want to hear this but these all sound like mighty lame excuses for ending a 7yr relationship you are really happy in......sorry

Read the post again senor......she's 7 years older than me and we've been seeing each other for year.

I am confused as you are about her losing trust in our relationship over an article whihc is based on events 5 years ago.

Zombrex

What to do.... wrote:

No, she's has asked for a break as the stuff/lies in the papers has rekindled her feelings of distrust or lack of trust in any kind of relationship friendship or otherwise, as he was supposed to be a friend and he said this rubbish bout her in the media.

Last thing she wants is to be back with said ex, she hates him after this newspaper stuff!

Tell her to cop-on and stop being an idiot about this guy who obviously doesn't have any respect for her at all.

Tell her not all guys are like that, and instead of thinking they are (ie its just the way men are) she needs to realise that no in fact its just him and she needs to get over him (and herself).

In my experience some women (and men I must say), after they keep doing something stupid (like going back to someone who treated them bad) tend to perferr to believe that all men are like this, it is a defense mechanism so they don't have to think that they maybe did something wrong by continuing to trust a person after getting stung multiple times, or they don't have to think why I am I attracted to a**holes in the first place.

I would certainly give her a bit of space for a while, but at the same time I wouldn't indulge her to much in her self pity and indulge this "I just can't trust men" crap.

Tell her that you didn't do anything to her, and that "man-kind" in general didn't do anything to her. This guy did something to her so she should learn to deal with that, and differentiate between "men" and the specific men that have hurt her, for your sake and for her own sake.

Gator

Sounds like your going out with kerry katona....ahhh,those famous words...i think we should take a break,I wouldnt do anything and let her come to you...and if she doesn't then its her loss

Zulu

Gator wrote:

Sounds like your going out with kerry katona....

...exactly what I was thinking!

Ickle Magoo

What to do.... wrote:

Read the post again senor......she's 7 years older than me and we've been seeing each other for year.

I am confused as you are about her losing trust in our relationship over an article whihc is based on events 5 years ago.

It's senóra ....and sorry for getting those two points muddled .....my point re lame reasons stand tho.....it's lame after 6months, 1 yr, 7yrs - you deserve to be treated better regardless.....:)

constitutionus

Wicknight wrote:

Tell her to cop-on and stop being an idiot about this guy who obviously doesn't have any respect for her at all.

i secound this. id have gone ballistic over being compared to that scumbag. if she has trust issues fair enough but thats NO reason to put you in the same basket. particularly if for the year youve been a stand up guy.

have it out with her so you know where you stand and at the very least reclaim your dignity

Scruff

Gator wrote:

Sounds like your going out with kerry katona....

which would make him 19. Fair play if it is!!

oh and what Wicknight said.

metrovelvet

I think there's something you're not being told. Things dont add up.

People really do what they want and the rest is excuses. If she wants to be with you she will be.

Give her some space. But give yourself a limit to your generosity with this. You dont want to wait around forever. Time flies you know.

The Corinthian

What to do.... wrote:

Her ex is famous and she spent alot of the last couple of weeks in the papers as he spread some lies about her in the tabloids.

Not terribly discrete. You should have simply said that her “ex had quite publicly spread some lies about her”.

Would be interested in your opinions......

As has been suggested, she’s not exactly the full shilling. A bad thing happens to her, so she decides that she wants to turn the whole thing into a melodrama. Unfortunately, that she may be hurting your feelings too is a secondary consideration to her self-afflicted martyrdom.

Take a step back and wait for her to come back to you. She may eventually, but probably won’t though. Do not become her cuddle bitch, as you’ll simply drive the pair of you insane. Be prepared to move on with your life.

The Corinthian

metrovelvet wrote:

People really do what they want and the rest is excuses.

I like that. Good turn of phrase and valid council.

Heyes

Id go with option two, and see what comes of that. She needs a friend now more than anything, just be there for her. I can only imagine what she s going through at the moment, and even though its hard to accept for you, about why would she have trust issues now. I can understand why she s standing back a bit, sure the poor girl has been knocked for six.

MojoMaker

What to do.... wrote:

No, she's has asked for a break as the stuff/lies in the papers has rekindled her feelings of distrust or lack of trust in any kind of relationship friendship or otherwise, as he was supposed to be a friend and he said this rubbish bout her in the media.

Last thing she wants is to be back with said ex, she hates him after this newspaper stuff!

Hate to say it but you're not being told the truth, despite the efforts (both yours and hers) to convince you otherwise. Best of luck with it all.

tbh

First off, here's my opinion. I obviously have no idea what the story is, but I've had a few experiances myself, from both sides, so it might be useful.

Harsh to say it, but you sound like a rebound. It now looks like she's decided she doesn't want to go out with you any more, and decided to break it to you gently. I hope I'm wrong on that, but maybe you already knew it.

my advice:

Theres gonna be a little voice in your head saying "call her, call round to her, show her what a great guy you are and how she can't do without you. If you leave it too long she'll move on and get someone else". Well, the first thing to realise is that she probably already knows how she wants it to end up, and nothing you can do or say is going to change that. From the sounds of it, she needs a bit of space, so you're more likely to freak her out than win her back. If you *do* want her back, the best thing to do is to cut yourself off from her altogether. If she wants to make contact, she will, and you'll have an idea of how things really stand. Another plus for this way is for you, man. If she's going to finish with you, better now and clean then a couple of months/years later when you're more involved. The sooner you stop (physically) seeing her, the sooner you'll stop thinking of her all the time.

Plus, why should she be the one to choose? You've pulled her, you can do it again. With someone who feels that way about you.

Anyway, good luck. Unrequited love f***s with your mind, but as soon as you stop feeding it, it goes away pretty quick.

ps - sometimes, all you need is a bit of time to get over the whole love thing, and can go back to being just friends. but I'd give it at least six months

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice folks much appreciated.

I honestly believe that a) she's over this geezer as it was 8 years ago she was with him and has had a couple of other relationships since and thus b) I don't think I'm a rebound.

To be honest I don't think the newspaper articles have re-kindled anything for him, as she visited him about 2 months ago when he broke up with his current missus (as they're still friends) and nothing happened....she says. Maybe I'm being an ass and something happened that evening.

Now all of the above may seem like me being a lovesick puppy but I haven't lost all sense of cop-on. If she does want to give things another try its with a couple of ground rules 1) I stop getting compared to past relationships and we look forward not back 2) No more contact with this ex.

I have made the realisation that this may be her drawn out way of ending it and I will not be making contact with her until she comes from her business trip on Saturday, like some else has said better find out now than further down the road. It does pain me to say this but if she has all this baggage that she can't dump or if indeed something happened when she went to meet, I'm better off without her.

Waiting is a killer though.

tbh

it is mate, and I hope it all works out ok - sounds like your head is screwed on anyway.

tbh

LegacyUser

I think you're not really giving enough credence to the story she's telling. Maybe she isn't telling you the truth as some of the others say, and maybe she's trying to let you down gently (doing this badly if this is the case) but when I read your initial post I had a lot of sympathy for this lady.

I was in a difficult relationship for a number of years and when it finished I tried to be friends with him but that was just the same as our relationship had been - me doing all the work to try to hold it together and him off doing his own thing. Some men like having a woman in the background of their lives that they can lean on and basically call upon when they're alone - it's not a sex thing, they just feel that they can use certain people. It sounds to me like this lady has that kind of relationship with her ex and he used their "friendship" for his own ends. I don't know about the rest of you but when I was in love with a man and he abused my trust again and again I lost it and 9 years later am only really learning to trust men again. It's not rational - I know there are lots of really nice guys out there - but knowing it in your head and being able to release your heart from the fear are two different things.

Her ex sounds like he has no soul and when you meet and fall for one of those people you don't just bounce back from it.

Also If he's famous then by slagging her off to the red tops he gets his name in print and in circulation for another while - I'd imagine that's a pretty hard thing to take from someone you once had an intimate relationship with.

LegacyUser

I won't say I know what she's going through oldbird but I understand. I just hope she gives me another chance, so we can work through this period of mistrust together. I realise if she does come back it's a big commitment for both of us to take on, given her age it's probably marriage in a year or so.

I'm ready for that and fingers crossed she will be too when she comes back from her business trip.

Wurly

wait for her if you really want to but get on with your life in the meantime. She may never come back so dont waste x amount of time of your life waiting around for something or someone that may never materialise. For your own sake, I wouldnt go down the whole friends route. That may be a bit too painful. Everything would be totally in your face so to speak. You may find that in time, if she decides to come back that you will have moved on and wont really care if she wants you or not. Good luck.

LegacyUser

For those of you interested...........

Heard back from herself and she's called the whole thing off. She said she felt that the age gap was too big and also that she couldn't commit to anything becaue her head was so fcuked up. Was a bit down about it for a while but I must admit the week I had to think about it prepared me for the worst and the way I look at it better for it to happen now rather than later. All I know is if I see her in the paper with that ex there'll be war!

Thanks for all the advice.

No to dust all those damn cobwebs off me little black book.

tbh

glad to see you're dealing with it - here starts the rest of your life!

best of luck, mate, sincerly.

Zombrex

What to do.... wrote:

For those of you interested...........

Heard back from herself and she's called the whole thing off. She said she felt that the age gap was too big and also that she couldn't commit to anything becaue her head was so fcuked up. Was a bit down about it for a while but I must admit the week I had to think about it prepared me for the worst and the way I look at it better for it to happen now rather than later. All I know is if I see her in the paper with that ex there'll be war!

Thanks for all the advice.

No to dust all those damn cobwebs off me little black book.

Sounds like you are far better off with out her mate ... she sounds like a total head wrecker.

All the best

dinjo

if you ask me its a simple answer.....

Your clearly mad about the girl, so if i was in your shoes i'd try and stay as close as possible, if that means as friends, then so be it. If ye remain good friends and she can see how much you love her without you making any advances on her, who's to say that she wont realise how much you care about her and what a mistake she made by finishing it with you..... thats my opion!