Jack Bauer Facts

EpiphoneSpecial · 07-02-2006 1:47pm #1

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f**king beef.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f**king hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to ******. ****** was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.......by himself.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

There are no such things as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

The children’s game Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f**k have you done with your life?

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f**king dead."

When Jack Bauer pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm f**ked".

No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tell the tale

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

The bumper sticker on Jesus’ car reads, "WWJBD?"

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.