For da ladies.

Capt'n Midnight

*Inside me, there's a thin Woman screaming to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with some chocolate. *

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't" - Rhonda Hansome

"Thrity-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart." - Caryn Leschen

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -CarrieSnow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies. - Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.-Rhonda Hansome-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.-Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! Kathy Buckley-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."* Steven Seagal

(2) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."* Jeff Foxworthy

(3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."* Robin Williams

(5) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."* Bob Ettinger

(9) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"* Richard Jeni

(10) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."* Johnny Carson

(12) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."* Jerry Seinfeld

(13) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"* Warren Hutcherson

(14) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."* Oscar Wilde

(16) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet,"* Robin Williams

(17) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."* Roseanne

(19) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."* George Carlin

(21) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."* Drew Carey

22) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - (Sharon Stone)

23) Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - (Courtney Cox)

24) "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - (Jerry Garcia)

28) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - (Tiger Woods)

29) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - (Jack Nicholson)


T-Shirt Sayings:

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ

15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

18) Your IQ test score is back and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

22) Beer ~ the reason I get up each afternoon

23) I must be a proctologist because I work with assholes.

24) Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam. (seen on Cape Cod)



BUMPER STICKERS FOR WOMEN:

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

I'M OUT OF OESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.



MALE BASHING
Cruel Pickup lines

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.


He said /She said

10) He said ... "I don't know why you wear a bra; you don't have much to put in it." She said ... "You wear briefs, don't you?"

9) She said ... "What do you mean by coming home half drunk?" He said ... "It's not my fault... I ran out of money."

8) He said ... "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way." She said ... "You succeeded."

7) He said ... 'Two inches more, and I would be king." She said ...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen."

6) On wall in ladies room..."My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it..."I do not."

5) He said ... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said ..."That's a good idea ... you stand at the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

4) Priest ..."I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband." She said ..."I pray you're right!"

3) He said ... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"She said ... "Turn sideways, and look in the mirror."

2) He said ... "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." She said ... "Okay, but if you get home first, leave the hallway light on."

.... And the number 1 "He said ... She said"...

1) He said ... "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"She said ... "I would, but you're never there."



TOILET WISDOM

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
----Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.


No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
--- Revolution Books, New York, New York

Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light.
---The Janitor

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

county

very very good:D