Girlfriend two timing me... now she can't choose

LegacyUser

This is my story.
Last week, A friend says to me that he seen my gf with another man hugging while shopping in Dublin. Her head on his shoulder thing. My gf recently moved up to dublin for work, she works there 5 days and comes to see me for the weekend, she works in another job on weekends too with me. I call her up on and ask what's it all about. She deny's it. I hang up and she calls me back in tears saying she's sorry etc etc. I can't handle this so I tell her I never want to see or hear from her again. We've been going out 5 years. My heart couldn't take any of the details, I just can't handle it.

yesterday I flew to germany to do some work. I havent seen her since I found this all out on wednesday. A mutual friend who lives in same house has just informed me of what she was up too, he found out as much as he could off her. This is her story.

"She met this man (she never say where but i suppose in work because she doesn't go out) who is of european, east european origin (she never specifiy), she says its love at first sight almost. She feels she really connects to him and that he understands her alot. He knows about me etc, but has told her that he will wait for her until she makes her decicision and that he will give her as long as she wants. (she was still going to be with me during this time, have sex with me etc and I would be clueless). My friend asked if they had sex which she said no. She's only been seing him for 3 weeks. She doesn't know who to pick me or this new guy. My friend also said she is so happy when she talk of this man and kind of guilty when she talk of me. She doesn't know who to choose. She admitted she was kind of relief when I told her I never want to see her again, I made her decision for her type of thing, she told the 2nd man this and he wasnt too happy with this, he wants her to make her own deicison. "

The reason why I'm still even in the picture is because yesterday before I got on the plane I sent her a message saying "I love you always and forever, see in in 2 weeks". You see I've spent 5 years with her, She's everything to me, I've been heartbroken for the last few days, pretending to be happy to people to cover up. I won't see her for 2 weeks now, I won't contact her unless she contacts me. I want her back, I will forgive her this time if she hasn't had sex with him, If she has then forgiveness demands a huge effort from her, I don't want to have to forgive that but I could for her. She means that much to me. Am I insane here though? She's been treating this guy like her love for the last 3 weeks, I'm supposed to marry her in september! How can I trust her again If I take her back. I'm not sure even If i want to be honest even though I would. She's hurt me so much. I've never kissed, coped a feel or even chatted another girl up in 5 years, I've given her everything out of my own pocket, clothes, laptop, car, car insurance, I've been working to make her happy, the only reason. I suppose when I get back in 2 weeks the decision will be made by her, I dont fancy my chances, she'll be without me to think of for 2 weeks and just this guy whose she's working with.

My friend has the impression he said that this "european/eastern european" maybe charming her to the last. Like what kind of man says stay with your boyfriend and I will wait for you as long as it takes"? In love there is no sharing, it's either me or him I think. I've never heard anyone say something like that before, but I know lads will say anything. btw , my girlfriend is chinese origin, I dont think this effects to much but to say I was suprised was an understatement.

WhiteWashMan

never mind the other guy. he is not the issue. it could be anyone.
the problem is with your girlfriend.

if you are getting married later in the year, then there may be a whole host of things going on.

i suggest you sit down, and talk to her. she may just have had so much on, and there may be some problems between you two that she felt she couldnt talk, and one thing led to another.

who knows why she is carrying on a relationship with someone else, but you at least owe it to yourself to find out, to get her side of the story and figure out together what you are going to do. get back, or split.

if you dont have this talk, and find out, you will always wonder why. you will not get closure, and i mean this, you will be unhappy for the next 20 years of your life.
dont ignore her, or push her away. dont make her sound like the horrible b1tch you want her to feel like.
iof you dont talk properly, both of you will be miserable.

and if it turns out that you split. then do it swiftly and completely. take back everything you own, give her back everything and burn everything else you had between you. get her out of your life and get on with your own.

TerrorFirmer

If your girl can't choose between her man of 5 years and a guy of 3 weeks then in all honesty, don't give her a chance.

She doesn't deserve it and quite frankly you don't deserve to be pissed on in that fashion.

Let her know that she's welcome to him and that she's no longer welcome in your life.

I know that your feelings for her won't go away and you can't just drop someone like they mean nothing but if she's willing to do this and then have the balls to say she doesn't know who to choose, she deserves nothing and she certainly doesn't respect you or the length of your relationship.

Good luck in any case. Crappy situation and I've been in it once myself.

dell6680

heart_broken wrote:

This is my story.
Last week, A friend says to me that he seen my gf with another man hugging while shopping in Dublin. Her head on his shoulder thing. My gf recently moved up to dublin for work, she works there 5 days and comes to see me for the weekend, she works in another job on weekends too with me. I call her up on and ask what's it all about. She deny's it. I hang up and she calls me back in tears saying she's sorry etc etc. I can't handle this so I tell her I never want to see or hear from her again. We've been going out 5 years. My heart couldn't take any of the details, I just can't handle it.

yesterday I flew to germany to do some work. I havent seen her since I found this all out on wednesday. A mutual friend who lives in same house has just informed me of what she was up too, he found out as much as he could off her. This is her story.

"She met this man (she never say where but i suppose in work because she doesn't go out) who is of european, east european origin (she never specifiy), she says its love at first sight almost. She feels she really connects to him and that he understands her alot. He knows about me etc, but has told her that he will wait for her until she makes her decicision and that he will give her as long as she wants. (she was still going to be with me during this time, have sex with me etc and I would be clueless). My friend asked if they had sex which she said no. She's only been seing him for 3 weeks. She doesn't know who to pick me or this new guy. My friend also said she is so happy when she talk of this man and kind of guilty when she talk of me. She doesn't know who to choose. She admitted she was kind of relief when I told her I never want to see her again, I made her decision for her type of thing, she told the 2nd man this and he wasnt too happy with this, he wants her to make her own deicison. "

The reason why I'm still even in the picture is because yesterday before I got on the plane I sent her a message saying "I love you always and forever, see in in 2 weeks". You see I've spent 5 years with her, She's everything to me, I've been heartbroken for the last few days, pretending to be happy to people to cover up. I won't see her for 2 weeks now, I won't contact her unless she contacts me. I want her back, I will forgive her this time if she hasn't had sex with him, If she has then forgiveness demands a huge effort from her, I don't want to have to forgive that but I could for her. She means that much to me. Am I insane here though? She's been treating this guy like her love for the last 3 weeks, I'm supposed to marry her in september! How can I trust her again If I take her back. I'm not sure even If i want to be honest even though I would. She's hurt me so much. I've never kissed, coped a feel or even chatted another girl up in 5 years, I've given her everything out of my own pocket, clothes, laptop, car, car insurance, I've been working to make her happy, the only reason. I suppose when I get back in 2 weeks the decision will be made by her, I dont fancy my chances, she'll be without me to think of for 2 weeks and just this guy whose she's working with.

My friend has the impression he said that this "european/eastern european" maybe charming her to the last. Like what kind of man says stay with your boyfriend and I will wait for you as long as it takes"? In love there is no sharing, it's either me or him I think. I've never heard anyone say something like that before, but I know lads will say anything. btw , my girlfriend is chinese origin, I dont think this effects to much but to say I was suprised was an understatement.

Unfortunately it's a fact that most women will cheat on guys. They are evolutionarily designed to do it, and that's why when a girl has a boyfriend, it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever, provided you know what you are doing. It's scientifically proven that women will cheat. Did you know that only something like 5-10% of your sperm can actually fertilize a womans egg? The other 90% is a coagulent, it's called fighter sperm and it's designed to fight with other sperm in her vagina. Now, you wouldn't be made like that if it wasn't for the fact that women cheat. Want to know more about this? Read a book called Sperm Wars. You can get it in easons.

Ask yourself, can you trust this girl again? I know you love her but would you really feel good deep down if you were with her after this? You need to do a lot of thinking. It sounds like you've become less exciting and predictable in the relationship giving her all these things and supplicating all the time. Maybe she went somewhere else for excitement? I have been in your position though so I know exactly how you feel. I would say sit down and think long and hard. You'll know what the right thing to do is.

HINT: It doesn't involve getting married!

Good luck!

Ag marbh

dell6680 wrote:

Unfortunately it's a fact that most women will cheat on guys. They are evolutionarily designed to do it, and that's why when a girl has a boyfriend, it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever, provided you know what you are doing. It's scientifically proven that women will cheat. Did you know that only something like 5-10% of your sperm can actually fertilize a womans egg? The other 90% is a coagulent, it's called fighter sperm and it's designed to fight with other sperm in her vagina. Now, you wouldn't be made like that if it wasn't for the fact that women cheat. Want to know more about this? Read a book called Sperm Wars. You can get it in easons.

Stop making people paranoid, most woman don't cheat

Pigman II

heart_broken wrote:

Am I insane here?

Yes. This woman has no respect for you. Dump her.

Farls

I somehow doubt you have ever been in a situation like the one here mobile.

My advice would be to take these two weeks now and have some you time...get things straight in your head etc. Let her sit, if it was me i wouldn't take her back...sex or no sex. The pure disrespect she has shown towards you is enough to make your mind up I feel.

Just from reading about this other lad...would it be possible that he is happy to wait for her because he doesn't really want her?!?...He hasn't got much of her but he's stuck around for 3 weeks....he's just enjoying the chase and when he gets what he's after he can leave her life as quick as he entered it. Just an idea...

Anyway, if i was you i'd prepare for a rough few months ahead...once you get over these and get her off your mind 24/7 you'll soon see that life is good. From what you sound like though you've head screwed on about right. My friend broke up with his fiancé after 5 years last summer and it took him a long time to get back on track but his life is so much better now its unbelievable eventhough she was a lovely girl too.

Well best of luck and don't do anything to quickly!

On a side note...peddlestool effect...treat someone like a king/queen and they'll take you for granted!

Farls

TerrorFirmer

Well, I meant to say similar situation. It wasn't five years but it was a year and a half and I think although it's not the same by an stretch, you can appreciate after a year and a half your heart can really be devoted to somebody. Aside from the length, I have experienced the above. And added to it, it was a "friend" of mine doing the dirt behind my back.

But meh, you think at the times these things will be the end of you, getting over it is the hardest part but you can surprise yourself with the time you can recover in, despite how you initially feel.

Owen

As someone who was in more or less the same position, do what I did. Dump her. If she strays once, it shows no loyalty. She will stray again. And you will NEVER be able to trust her if she goes out on a girls night out, it will always be in the back of your mind.

I'm so so sorry it's 5 years down the road when you've discovered this. The Devil's Advocate in me says at least it's better than getting married, and in another 5 years finding out, and loosing half of everything you own.

It's a gut wrenching, heart breaking feeling. DON'T blame yourself. DON'T convince yourself to justify what she did - distance/lonliness/pressure of marriage, what she did was wrong, and unworthy of your time, and unworthy of the rest of your life. DO accept that there are other women and that someday, you will have a loyal woman who is besotted with you cuddled into you at night. From reading your post, you are obviously a kind hearted lad, you're willing to think the whole thing through, and you've given her some space to make her decision. Unfortunately, she hasn't been able to make a decision, and to echo a previous poster's comments, that doesn't bode well for where you stand in her priorities.

Above all, keep the chin up, talk to people, don't become socially reclusive. Life will get better!

Owen.

Airblazer

ned78 wrote:

As someone who was in more or less the same position, do what I did. Dump her. If she strays once, it shows no loyalty. She will stray again. And you will NEVER be able to trust her if she goes out on a girls night out, it will always be in the back of your mind.

I'm so so sorry it's 5 years down the road when you've discovered this. The Devil's Advocate in me says at least it's better than getting married, and in another 5 years finding out, and loosing half of everything you own.

It's a gut wrenching, heart breaking feeling. DON'T blame yourself. DON'T convince yourself to justify what she did - distance/lonliness/pressure of marriage, what she did was wrong, and unworthy of your time, and unworthy of the rest of your life. DO accept that there are other women and that someday, you will have a loyal woman who is besotted with you cuddled into you at night. From reading your post, you are obviously a kind hearted lad, you're willing to think the whole thing through, and you've given her some space to make her decision. Unfortunately, she hasn't been able to make a decision, and to echo a previous poster's comments, that doesn't bode well for where you stand in her priorities.

Above all, keep the chin up, talk to people, don't become socially reclusive. Life will get better!

Owen.

agreed...you'lll never trust her as much again.

Brother To God

Sorry to hear of your heartbreak but Your better off with out her,
and at least your talking about it and not hiring a hitman!
its easy to say move onwards and upwards
but you know what you must do yourself,
Best of luck with the future.

LundiMardi

leave her... she'll go off with this other guy - he doesn't seem to want to be with her - he'll dump her, she'll be all alone.. karma's a bitch.

You don't need to have sex with someone to cheat on them.

Eminem

Thats bad form yeah going out five years and she did that to you thats wrong.I think you should ask her why she did it after five years

Pigman II

Eminem wrote:

Thats bad form yeah going out five years and she did that to you thats wrong.I think you should ask her why she did it after five years

She's possibly done it a few times but this was the first time she's been caught.

LegacyUser

She's never cheated on me before, How do I know, because we were that close for 5 years. It's only happened now with the space that she had wit her job in Dublin. She says that she didn't want this to happen and that she never wanted to or expect this situation to ever happen to her. I don't know really. I know everybody here is going with the get rid of her decision. If she tells me she wants me, I will take her back this time. I believe if she wants me she has come to her senses so to speak, If she doesn't want me then I will move on but I will still love her always. I don't think that will ever go. She brings happyness to my heart, I don't believe anybody could love her as much as I but sometimes that is obviously just not enough.

I thank people for their opinions so far, very insightful.

Eminem

Pigman II wrote:

She's possibly done it a few times but this was the first time she's been caught.

Yes she could have done so . Then if thats the case id get rid off the person no one deserves that .

Pigman II

Eminem wrote:

Yes she could have done so . Then if thats the case id get rid off the person no one deserves that .

That was a question not a statement btw. There should have been a '?' after my last post btw as in "She's possibly done it a few times but this was the first time she's been caught?"

All I know she's still lying to him after 5 years together which doesn't say much for their future.

Slutmonkey57b

WWM is right - take the two weeks to sit down in your own head and decide what you want and what questions you want to ask her. You need to have an honest conversation with her about what she's been feeling about life, about marriage, about you, about this other guy, and about herself. You also need to be able to give her straight answers about how you feel, what you think of her, what you think about your relationship, and most important what you think about the future.

If she has fallen for this guy, so close to you getting married, then frankly it doesn't bode well. It could be a bolt out of the blue, but equally it could be that she's had problems for a while and was never that certain about you. She could be feeling that you're the person she "should" be with, whereas this other guy is the person she {b]wants[/b] to be with. Ultimately, if you're not the person she wants when she thinks about her future, then you're wasting your time trying it again.

The only person who can answer those questions for you is her, not anyone else. So get clear in your own head what you want to know from her, what she needs to know from you, and write it down if you have to. Arrange to meet her somewhere where you can both talk uninterrupted for as long as it takes and make your decisions. Good luck.

Also, don't be afraid to go and talk to a councellor or a doctor if you feel it's getting too much for you.

Eminem

Pigman II wrote:

She's possibly done it a few times but this was the first time she's been caught.

I am agreeing with what you said

omb0wyn5ehpij9

If i was in your position i would just walk away. As hard as it will be for you and as much as it's going to hurt, it is the right decision for you. She has done the dirt on you, do you honestly think you would be comfortable with her working away from you all week? It will always be in the back of your mind.

Im sorry to hear what happened

Eminem

heart_broken wrote:

She's never cheated on me before, How do I know, because we were that close for 5 years. It's only happened now with the space that she had wit her job in Dublin. She says that she didn't want this to happen and that she never wanted to or expect this situation to ever happen to her. I don't know really. I know everybody here is going with the get rid of her decision. If she tells me she wants me, I will take her back this time. I believe if she wants me she has come to her senses so to speak, If she doesn't want me then I will move on but I will still love her always. I don't think that will ever go. She brings happyness to my heart, I don't believe anybody could love her as much as I but sometimes that is obviously just not enough.

I thank people for their opinions so far, very insightful.

Yeah same here sorry to hear that

mad m

What a heart wrenching thing to find out after 5years of being with someone.But the first reply that WWM has posted I would advice you to take time and think exactly what he said.It will probably eat away at you over the years if you dont talk to her and find out WHY.

Maybe the two of you could go to counselling together to work it out.Then after counselling if nothing is the same then atleast you feel you gave it your best at trying to recover what will be hard to get back,trust.

Goodluck.

nobodythere

Fsck her, she cheated, she shouldn't get the privelage of choosing.

hollyhamill

dell6680 wrote:

Unfortunately it's a fact that most women will cheat on guys. They are evolutionarily designed to do it, and that's why when a girl has a boyfriend, it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever, provided you know what you are doing. It's scientifically proven that women will cheat. Did you know that only something like 5-10% of your sperm can actually fertilize a womans egg? The other 90% is a coagulent, it's called fighter sperm and it's designed to fight with other sperm in her vagina. Now, you wouldn't be made like that if it wasn't for the fact that women cheat. Want to know more about this? Read a book called Sperm Wars. You can get it in easons.

Ask yourself, can you trust this girl again? I know you love her but would you really feel good deep down if you were with her after this? You need to do a lot of thinking. It sounds like you've become less exciting and predictable in the relationship giving her all these things and supplicating all the time. Maybe she went somewhere else for excitement? I have been in your position though so I know exactly how you feel. I would say sit down and think long and hard. You'll know what the right thing to do is.

HINT: It doesn't involve getting married!

Good luck!

no thats not true,most women wont cheat on guys thats bull

however in my opinion you did the exact right thing in leaving things open , every one should be given 1 chance to mess up, if she comes back to you then give it one more go but unless that happens you should move on!

holly x)

skye

So sorry to hear your story....I think you are going about this in the right way - you are taking these 2 weeks to think and step away from the situation. It is very easy for everyone to holler out " leave her, leave her " but it's not as easy as that when you have spent 5 years of your life devoted to her. I do have to question her whole commitment to your relationship though.... To get to the point of marriage this year and to then start seeing someone else...???

You need to find out the root of this - why did she feel the need to do this? It's flattering to get the attention of someone else but what she should have chosen was the love, commitment, security and devotion she was getting from you. If you want to work things out with her that is going to take alot of work on both parts, trust is very hard to rebuild.

You seem to be a very nice bloke and my heart goes out to you - but don't let your love for her blind you to the reality of the situation - even the fact that she is trying to "decide" between the two of you makes alarm bells go off....

I am getting married later this year, have been with my fella for 7 years and I can tell you that all I am thinking about is our wedding and our future together....Not going off with someone else - never in a million years - because I love him. You need to be sure of what you want from this relationship and stick to that - and you must be sure that she can give it to you without question. I would deffo postpone marriage - a huge commitment that needs to be taken whole-heartidly by both parties.

Good luck with wahtever you decide...;)

illicit007

Hey Original Poster...

Lots of people here are telling you to ask her why (this is happening)... Or it will eat at you.

For my experience... Woman arn't able to be completely honest about why they no longer love and lust after a guy. They are more likely to say something that's half true, for many reasons, such as they don't want to hurt your feelings, they don't actually know themselves etc.

The real reason any woman cheats on a guys is that she's more attracted to another guy. She's less attracted to you and most of the time it's because you've been a dum&@ss and let the attraction slip. Which is generally what happens after getting comfortable or during a long distance relationship and becoming lonely.

But don't feel bad about it. Listen to the devils advocate and everyone else who is being supportive here. It's better this happened now rather than later. Take it as a blessing. You've got friends who look out for you, and obviously something else out there is looking out for you too. How long could this deceit go on for if you hadn't confronted her.

I have something that you might find useful. It's a book. I've read it and after practising what is says the only reason I've been dumped so far is because she didn't think I'd be the relationship type because I've been seeing so many other woman. If you want it private message me. I might be pursuded into loaning it to you. If anyone needs it right now it's the guy whos fiance and g.f. of 5 years is doing the dirt on him with another man. Seriously man... (I'm shaking my head here with a half sad, half sorry/pity and half piszd look on my face.)

I know where you're coming from right now. At least the mother of your child didn't dump you for another man, and then ask you if it didn't work out would you take her back.

I understand not wanting to lose her, but I wish someone could b!tchsl@p some sense into you and tell this girl you will NOT stand for her actions. You are giving her ALL THE POWER here. Woman may not flat out agree with me here but they are more attracted to powerful self respecting men. And at the moment your competition has more power than you, and you are giving all your power away to this girl. You really think she's going to choose you with your current attitude?

Whatever happens man, you'll get over it, you'll learn from it and you'll find someone much better.. with a lot of hits and misses along the way.

Someone earlier mentioned THE PEDESTAL EFFECT. They're dead right.

EVERYONE ELSE so far is saying DUMP HER. They're dead right.

So far you keep saying you'll take her back.

Personally I reckon, and I'm sure most will agree... The only thing you need to keep right now is you SELF RESPECT.

Drop the girl and stop being a wussy boy.

If you tell her that you won't accept her actions flat out - she will probably respect you more for it, see you as more of a man and might even become more attracted to you and beg for your forgiveness and ask you to take her back again. At which case I'd say IF you decided you HAVE TO (and trust me you don't there's better women out there) Then you need to change your whole game. You need to change the way you are treating her.

I feel empathy for you man, because I used to be like you.

And I feel pity for you because unless you listen to the people on here you're going to make it alot worse on yourself than it has to be.

Good luck my friend, god knows you need it.

LegacyUser

skye wrote:

but don't let your love for her blind you to the reality of the situation - even the fact that she is trying to "decide" between the two of you makes alarm bells go off....

I'm aware of this. I don't have my head in the clouds. I'm perfectly aware of the situation. In some ways I do have some sympathy for her, I honestly believe she didn't look for this attraction but its happened now and she has to deal with her problems. Its the mentally cheating thing that hurts alot which Im suprised with. She hasn't physcially cheated, ie sex, I suppose she's had a snog, a feel... you know but I believe her when she said she didn't have sex with him. I found out that her plan was to just have a relationship with this guy for a few weeks behind my back to see if he was right for but being seen has ruined that. She knew she couldn't mention this to me 3 weeks ago cuz I would have laid it out, 'me or him', She needed to see if this man was her true love.

My friend tells me these things, I suppose she's giving him the information because she knows it will get back to me. I think the best thing is the time I have to myself for a few weeks now. When I go back I will sit down and have a chat with her. Most of my anger at this situation has already left me, Im not the type who holds on to anger.

I agree with those who said that she has no respect if she can't decide between a 3 week or a 5 year man. I agree totally but when its my situation things aren't in black and white.

My mind is doing walkabouts now, back and forth, ie forgive this second, forget about her the next.

Terry

heart_broken wrote:

She's never cheated on me before, How do I know, because we were that close for 5 years.

she got a bit of space and decided to cheat on you.
take her back and she'll do it again.
let her go off with the other guy. she will more than likely be back in you arms after two or three months. then tell her to f*ck off.

lazydaisy

Make the decision for her. Dump her. You already know shes a liar. That would be enough for me cheating or no cheating. Shes dishonouring herself and dishonouring you.

Put someone on a pedastal and you have no choice but to kneel.

If this other guy is letting her be with you and is being patient, its most likely because he likes her unavailable, it means he doesnt have to be as available or commit either. So when she gets dumped by you - she will probably get dumped by him too.

dell6680 sounds like one of those players that has been so burnt by a woman he now has this attitude that we re all a bunch of whores. Dont listen to him.

py2006

Cheating infuriates me!

She SHOULD NOT have any decision here whatsoever!

I know its hard to let go when you love somebody but you simply CANNOT marry this woman!

If it was the other way around you would be dumped big time!

She certainly doesn't feel the same way for you as you do for her and she doesn't respect you at all.

dell6680

lazydaisy wrote:

dell6680 sounds like one of those players that has been so burnt by a woman he now has this attitude that we re all a bunch of whores. Dont listen to him.

No honey, I just understand what you respond to and what you really want (something most girls don't even know themselves).

Toodles.

mad m

One thing does come to mind,if she wasnt found out I wonder how long she would of kept up deceiving you?

garthv

I honestly cant believe you are sitting around waiting for HER decision,
She cheated on YOU, not the other way around, obviosuly she doesnt give two shits about the five years you guys spent together and as much as you love her you would be better off without her.

AARRRGH

You have got to dump her. There is no choice here. Because you are thinking with your emotions, you are not seeing clearly. I assure you if you dump her, it'll be highly painful, but in six months you will be so so so happy and thankful you had the courage to do it.

Your partner is supposed to make your life better.

She is making your life worse.

She's obviously an idiot (no offence) if she thinks a bloke she's known for three weeks (and we all know the three week stage of a "relationship" is totally bollox) is on a par with her long term boyfriend.

I have no doubt in my mind she's already had sex with him (otherwise she wouldn't be so into him.)

Dump her. Walk away. Don't be a pussy.

Seriously.

PS I understand how extremely difficult your situation (I've been there once before.) I ASSURE YOU you are not thinking straight at the moment. DUMP THIS GIRL.

Zulu

Sorry to hear that dude.

Don't give her a choice though - just walk away.

OMcGovern

To heart_broken,

sorry to hear of your situation.

You're meant to get married in September?
That girl isn't ready for marriage.... I agree with the majority here who say "dump here". At the very least, immediately call off the wedding while you get your head sorted. Even if, God forbid, ye do get back together, I think you would need to put her on a serious "probation period" of at least a year.

You seriously don't want to gamble 50% of your entire possessions on her, should it come to a bitter divorce. Don't worry about "what people will think" if you call off a wedding.... it's the biggest decision of your life, not there's.

regards,
Owen

turbot

Painful though it may be, I see you have a few different options.

5 years is a long time, and enough time for her to become curious enough to test that it's you who she wants. She's genetically programmed to do so. It's not a conscious choice. She literally can't help it. So like Illicit007 said, it's not entirely her choice. This is happening to her, just as it's happening to you and her.

I think you have a few options:

1) Break up with her.

Tell her she might need a few months to realise you're the right guy for her, and this other guy is just a novelty. You trust that you're meant to be together enough to let the universe play its course.

She'll be heart broken. After all, it's the security you've provided for her that creates a context for her to flirt and connect. By this stage, she's who she is, partially because of you.

Tell her that you'll see what happens, and pursue other girls you like.

My guess is, that if you really do like her, and want to stay with her, this tactic in the long wrong will give you the best chances. It's much better that she feels she misses you because she can't treat you badly, than she initiates breaking up.

If you're going to do this, make her completely aware of the extent to which you've supported her. I wonder if she'd survive without you.

2) Let her think it through and weaken what you had, even if she stays with you.

3) Let her break up with you, and possibly make it harder for you to get back together.

I can't help but feel that you are a decent, mostly on the ball guy, and this is a total surprise. So be smart. Relationships sometimes need to be tested thoroughly for their own good in the long run. This could make you much closer....

Zombrex

py2006 wrote:

She SHOULD NOT have any decision here whatsoever!

I totally agree with that.

To OP, seriously what are you doing.

You are waiting around for your girlfriend who you know has cheated on you in a very emotional way (this wasn't a drunken snog in a night club, she has been seeing this guy for weeks) to possibily decided that yes she does maybe like you more than a guy she meet a few weeks ago.

It is going to end up her taking you back, Thats of course if she actually wants to, which you still don't know she even does.

She is walking all over you.

I think you have to face facts that the relationship is over, its dead. All this humming and hawing and waiting around for her is just artifical life support. I know it is very hard for you to imagine life with out her, or her seeing other guys. But she has killed the relationship, there isn't much you can do about that. If she takes you back it won't be the same at all, I think you know that. Simply having her won't be enough if everything you had before this is gone. It might make you feel better short term, you won't have to deal with the break up, but long term it will eat away at you and eat away at her. If she takes you back I give it a couple of months before she leaves for good, tops.

And the fact that she is even taking so long, and the fact that she was relieved when you originally said its over, I seriously doubt she cares for you now anywhere near what you feel for her.

Time to pull the plug on something that has already died.

LORDOFDOOM

Your gf already has a pussy, she doesn't need another one.

0utshined

Sever.

Esel

illicit007 wrote:

..I have something that you might find useful. It's a book. ... If you want it private message me. I might be pursuded into loaning it to you...

Just post the title and author's name!

UberNewb

Ok so she's met this other bloke who's swept her of her feet and she's getting that new romance feeling back again that all girls love. All is not lost if you do still have strong feelings for her then you should fight to win her back. Are you going to let this bloke steal her away from you?

Its obvious from your posts that you do love her a lot and it seems to me that she has reached her 7 year itch a couple of years early. You have a girlfriend who has spent 5 years with you for a reason, remember what you used to do in the earlier days of your relationship that made her happy and gave her a buzz. Start doing it again! Once you have her back then you can work on what went wrong.

Are you a winner or a loser? you decide...

PS Good luck,

Dragan

Okay, i read you post but i did not read anyone else so i don;t know what way things are going.

My advice, have some respect for youself and drop her. Relationships do not work on three strike system.

She thinks she loves someone else and expects everyone to sit around for here to make up her mind. **** her dude, leave her.

Kinetic^

Dragan wrote:

Okay, i read you post but i did not read anyone else so i don;t know what way things are going.

My advice, have some respect for youself and drop her. Relationships do not work on three strike system.

She thinks she loves someone else and expects everyone to sit around for here to make up her mind. **** her dude, leave her.

I concur, why should you wait around? If you're chosen, are you supposed to feel lucky. And if she does choose you, are you going to get back with her? Surely not!

Don't even give her the chance to make up her mind, send her to dumpsville.

Sifo

Jeez mate thats extremely cruel.. I cant begin to imagine how much this has hurt you. You need to understand that unless you can forgive her 100% there is no point in "taking her back". Personally i wouldnt take her back and I'm pretty sure that even if you do she's going to leave you eventually. If she cared for you at all she would have left you when she fell for this guy. Thats all i can offer cos the rest wouldnt be suitable for this site...

Citizen Jake

As Kaiser Sose says: "If you're chosen, are you supposed to feel lucky. And if she does choose you, are you going to get back with her? Surely not!"

After five years you are owed more respect than that. She shouldn't have this luxury of being in a position to decide. You don't deserve that, no one does. If she wants you she'll already have made her decision. Sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. If she truly loved you this situation would never have arisen.

And you've given her all of this security - car, car insurance, etc.!! Sounds to me like you have been taken for granted. You're being the sugar daddy and she gets her sexual thrills when she's away during the week. Did it ever occur to you that may be you were never meant to have found out? That perhaps this really isn't the first time she's done this? The point you made about her telling a friend of yours things so they will get back to you - sounds manipulative and selfish. She may know what she's about to lose - security, and a lot of perks too by the sound of thing and that's why she's stringing you along.

Get away from it now! DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN, at least until you've postponed the wedding for a year or so to see if the relationship can be salvaged. Honestly, this is not good and she has no right to make a choice. The choice is yours and I believe take a break at least. Jake

Kinetic^

Citizen Jake wrote:

Get away from it now! DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN

Have to back Jake on this one.

Drazhar

I agree with Citizen_Joe and Keyser.

This is messed up. She was going to see how things were with teh guy fir a few months before deciding. Hell dude, thats even worse. "I like this new car, but i'll hold onto my old one in case it gets a flat tyre" Also, you should talk to her. I get teh feeling she is relaying pre-meditated thoughts/feelings through your friend, you need a face to face with her, pull her up on stuff that she doesnt get a chance to think about.

Also, get your ring back. A friend of mine got dumped after proposing, but the schmuck left her the ring, saying "it was always for you". That was five or so years ago, he finished paying it off last year...she pawned it the day after dumping him.

The germany trip is a good thing, get away from it completly.

Five years is a long time, but she threw it away for three weeks of "i love you more, no no, i live you more, no no no..."

I'd like to believe that you could get back with her, but would you ever forgive her? As the saying goes, a guy never forgives, a woman may forgive but will never forget.

serabi

whata horrible, sickening story- I'm so sorry man.

Its impossible to say what I'd do if I were you, but I'd like to think that I realise the situation is no basis for a wedding.

trust is a crucial attribute to a relationship, if that isnt there then it is destined to crumble (imo)

sportswear

thats a really sad story. sorry. to be honest i don't have a clue what to do in that situation. i would be of the opinion that if she strayed once, she will do it again.....

but 5 years is a long time. good luck

Fallschirmjager

dude, sorry for your pain. here is my recommendations. take them or leave them. its up to you. you wont like some of them....so be prepared...

1. STOP!. take a break, sit down and stop thinking.RELAX. yuo can actually enjoy life without her, no matter how strange this may appear now. you can use this trip to germany to sort yerself out. begging wont get you anywhere. ignoring an issue like this will fester it and you will bring it up in the first fight ye have and it will always sit with you.

IMHO, u need to set yourself a set of rules called honour and code. now you may ask why in the name of good jesus i am bringing this up. you need to decide what yours are for your life. a set of rules that defines you. i have my own, i would not break them for anyone or anything. if someone doesnt fit with your honour and code, you simply are not suited and something will have to give, either you or her. that is doomed to failure. if you look around today, very few people have these. they use props to replace them. IMHO,you have lost your honour (and i dont mean that you are not hounourable, you are, but you are not respecting yourself) and your code, and that matey is far worse then loosing her.

2. DO NOT get married. . However bad u think it will be cancelling a wedding, TRUST ME, its better then the alternative.

3. you are making this woman out to be some goddess. that. IMHO, is extremely dangerous for you and indeed for her.

4. do not ring her. DO NOT DRINK. they reduce your resiliance and u will wind up saying or doing something a SOBER you would not forgive. In fact avoid any substances for the time being. i would limit my contact this week to her and keep it formal, if at all. i will assume you are not working next saturday. here is what i would do. go to a park in germany. sit down with a coffee. you can sit as long as your coffee lasts and ask yourself this....if this happened to your best friend (or your brother) and his girlfriend who cheated on him-- what in the world would say to him? its tough. but when you return to the hotel after your walk in the park, you have to decide what u are going to do, no ifs, buts or maybes. if you dump...ring her. steel yourself for the tears from her or you...and finish it. resist all the bull**** about doing it face to face, a break up is a break up. move on.when yuo hang up give yourself only 60 MINUTES to feel sorry for yourself...60 minutes of heart thumping, the world will end feeling sorry for yourself, rolling around maoning-- whatever it takes to get it out of your system. on the 61st minute. you need to smarten the fuk up. dust yourself down, DO NOT ANSWER YOUR PHONE-- DO NOT CALL, DO NOT RESPOND TO EMAILS. IT IS OVER. Listen to yuor heart and avoid the friends who keep saying 'oh she is sorry blah blah blah', they are not your friends, they are hers.. and set your heart on something else that has nothing to do with her. you can pick work or flower arranging, anything other then her. you have set your life in her hands for 5 years... u are worried about the past, be concerned with the next 60 years, not the last 5....

5. you need to get in contact with your friends. not both your friends, YOURE friends. u need a serious break here to get you head in order. i honestly believe all things happen for a reason, this trip to germany is a godsend for you...treat it as such.

6. Love ends. Anyone who thinks it doesnt is a fool. may work in Barbara cartland novels (and no i have not read any LOL)and hollywood but not in the real world.

7. use work this week to keep your mind off her. do not wind up in a hotel with nothing to do. you need to get busy my friend. meet people from work, do not talk about her, for gods sake, get a bit of fun in yer life....this is one of those crystal clear moments that does not happen often in your life where you can set yourself on a different track. you can decide what you want to be, and make it happen. just let it all go. let her go, decide to move on. you will be better for it.

8. life goes on. u think the sorrow will never end, u would be suprised how quickly it can -- if you decide to live your own life again. life is fun, there is someone right now somewhere on this planet who is searching for you, probably going thru the same crap as it happens.... it is not this woman. she has made a decision (and incidently she has no honour and no code) and you need to be man enough to wish her the best and mean it. hold no grudges whatsoever to ex's. your life does not involve them and it is way to short to be wasting time when you can spent it on more fruitful things.

9. trust is a terrible thing to shatter. u are a way better man then me if you can rebuild on that but a rule for me is i dont cheat, and anyone who does on me..there is the ****ing door...dont let it hit yer ass on the way out. trust is a one shot item, it is a foundation stone. this woman is not who you make her out to be in your mind...

10. IMHO, u need to break up. not for the reason of cheating. this realtionship is not healthy for you. u appear to me to be lost, find yourself. u dont need a prop like this woman.

in a few months, sometimes days!, you will look back on this and be amazed how better you feel. in fact to be honest, i think you will feel a huge relief once its over. it sounds to me like there is a lot of pressure on you and u can well do without it. when is the last time you went out without her and enjoyed yourself? u always need to be able to do that.....its a simple matter of getting up in the morning looking out the window and saying what a beautiful day...you can decide that yourself without her telling you...

dont screw the first woman you see. you are without honour and code to use someone else like that. to use sex as a weapon has no honour. get out and about and laugh. however difficult it will appear, wish her the best with her new friend...do u honestly think he will trust her? jeeze i doubt it. . be yourself for a change. there is enough time to be serious later.

you can do this...trust me. it took a big pair of balls to write to this board. you know the answer...good luck to you...in fact go make your own luck.

finally....DONT think this way::: 'i wont call if she does she loves me...sorry but that is you filling your honour and code with a prop....thats total BS'.

when u meet the real woman of your dreams, you will be a better man for this...