bedroom blues

LegacyUser

gonna go unreged for this one as i'm a little embarrassed about it...sorry if its a bit long.

usually story, been with the boyfriend for about 5 months now, he's great, etc etc etc., but i do really like him a lot and feel really happy in a relationship with him. we're both in college, im 20, he's 21.

we didnt have sex straight away, that's not my thing or his, but waited a while and gradually let ourselves build up to it. now we've been going out a good while and we've had sex about 4-5 times.

the thing is im not really experienced in the bedroom (i've only had one sexual partner before, and we were both virgins then) so i don't know if what im doing is wrong or if i should even be worried or what....but he's never cum during sex. this is where my inexperience kicks in, we could be having sex for 10-15-20 mins and nothing...does it usually take this long?! like after this length, it honestly starts to tire me (i know that sounds lame, im just inexperienced..) my last boyfriend didnt take long, it lasted a few minutes but not that long at all.. but was that coz we were both virgins? i really don't know, and its not something you'd exactly bring up with friends.

i know he's physically attracted to me, he always tells me his is anyway and during sex we are very emotionally attached to each other, the experience of it is still good, for me anyway.

i don't really want to say it to him, because i dont want to embarrass him, and it's not really affecting our relationship as such but it's just i feel like ...i don't know, it just is bothering me a bit. i know he can cum, he's told me about a joke that happened when he was about 14 involving him coming and being caught by his brother or something, so i don't think there's a problem there.

tbh

Its early days yet, don't worry about it. People always say tho, if you can't talk to him about it, are you sure you're close enough to be having sex in the first place? maybe if it happens a few more times, just come out and ask him about it, but reassure him that its not a problem for you.

hope that helps,
Caimin

ricey

Man i wish i had his stamina...lol

chump

wehweh...

Have you made him arrive in different ways... try that

Victor

Possibly performance anxiety? Lack of experience? Early days yet!

Enjoy the ride. Having an orgasm isn't everything.

LegacyUser

Its not a problem, I sometimes go twice that and never cum. Climaxing is like the cherry on the cake. Just because you don't get the cherry, it doesn't mean you didn't really enjoy the cake!

Drella118

I think that to be having sex, you need to be close enough emotionally to talk about it. What's your boyfriend's reaction when he can't come? Is he embarrassed about it or is it no big deal to him?

Sexual problems can be like a viscous circle because it can cause a lot of anxiety which almost always makes the problem worse. I think its best to talk to him about it in a very reassuring way, reassuring him that you're patient and you still enjoy sex with him. And maybe if it has to do with anxiety, ease off the sex, and explore other ways to pleasure each other like a sensual massage or whatever rocks your boat.

Also, is your boyfriends on antidepressants at all? They often cause problems for people, making unable to reach orgasm. Alcohol can also do this by making the penis less sensitive.

LegacyUser

thanks for the input...i don't think its anxiety, because like i said we are really relaxed around each other and he certainly doesn't seem to be anxious or nervous or anything. we both really do enjoy the experience, but its just id like if it were a little more special.

i dont think he's on antidepressants, and we hadnt been drinking beforehand, so there wouldn't have been any alcohol involved.

maybe it is just that it takes him longer...

LegacyUser

don't worry bout it. some guys can be like that when it comes to lasting in bed. and no it is absolutely nothing to do with if he finds you attractive or not... or how 'good' you are in bed. he's obviously still enjoying himself or else he wouldn't be still having sex with you.... so theres no need to be parnoid about it. i've had the exact same thing myslf except its me being the guy lasting ages and my ex-girlfriend who ended up exausted. not once was i pissed off if she wanted to stop.... so try not to be worried aboutit

AngryBadger

shhhh wrote:

don't worry bout it. some guys can be like that when it comes to lasting in bed.

I'd be inclined to agree with this.

Someone else asked if you can make him cum in other ways, that's also something worth exploring.

Thing is, for some guys it's jus a case of putting it in, and they've already ejaculated. For some women it's the same. It takes different things to make different people cum. I'd ask him how he like to have sex, there may be a few things that really get him going, positions-wise I mean. It's worth exploring this, as it can only improve things in the bedroom.

But I'd try not to owrry, relax about it, sounds like you're both secure with each other, so this isn't some big issue. ask him what he likes, try itout, (if you're comfortable with it), and maybe if he's stil not cumming ask him if there's a reason for it, and maybe explain that it makes you worry that you're doing something wrong. You could be surprised by the answers.

chump

AngryBadger wrote:

Thing is, for some guys it's jus a case of putting it in, and they've already ejaculated.

^^^
That's me... I've the fastest gun in the West...
Looking for a good time, PM me

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote:

Thing is, for some guys it's jus a case of putting it in, and they've already ejaculated. For some women it's the same. It takes different things to make different people cum. I'd ask him how he like to have sex, there may be a few things that really get him going, positions-wise I mean. It's worth exploring this, as it can only improve things in the bedroom.

thanks for this advice, i'll certainly talk to him about a bit of experimentation, we've done nothing out of the ordinary so maybe it's worth a try. thanks

also, thanks to the lads who've said they're like my boyfriend in bed - it has really reassured me because i don't have that much experience, not necessarily a bad thing, but it means im a bit unaware of what's 'normal' and what's not... as i can see it's not something to be getting too worried about, so thanks for your contributions - they've certainly put me at ease. i thought i was doing something wrong or something and that he mightn't be enjoying it as much.

Mina Loy

My dear if it takes 15-20 mins for him to come think yourself blessed:D

turbot

My perspective on this is:

Don't worry about it or take it personally. If you want him to come quicker, then figure out how to get him more turned on first, and stimulate him more highly as you have sex.

*and*

For your current and future relationships, it's a pleasant and good thing to do to learn to be as brilliant in bed as possible. Good ways of achieving this are to:
- Read books on all aspects of good sex
- Read lots of sexual fantasies and familiarise yourself with the aspects of them you like
- Practice, play and experiment and in doing so, find out what gets you off and get brilliant and geting others off
- Do kegel exercises
- Explore fantasies with eachother

Lady_Macbeth

It's not something to be too worried about; some men take longer to cum, just like some women.

Meanwhile, I would suggest that you try experimenting a bit. You said you haven't done anything out of the ordinary - so maybe there's some positions or something that would arouse him more, and you too, of course.

You don't need to necessarily brashly say it to him that you want to try new things to make him cum, but just that you'd like to experiment what turns you both on. It's beneficial to the both of you in the long-run

- Lady

kwinabeeste

This was happening with my girlfrend. Solved it over the weekend, but tell him in not a crude way to lay off "choking the chicken"! I was a big choker, but chokin can be more tight than the "lady's garden" and this I think was the cause for me. Just do it for him for a while but not to tightly and have lots of foreplay for both of ye and it'll be grand!

Lux23

He could be masturbating before he sleeps with you. Or he could be like an ex of mine who rarely came when we had sex. I never asked him about it at the time but we are still friends and I asked him a couple of years later. He said that he was using creatine and that ejaculation problems were one of its side effects. So if he works out or plays rubgy or soccer that could be your answer.

I rem being very upset about it at the time but he assured me that he enjoyed it anyway.

Zombrex

is_it_me wrote:

but he's never cum during sex.

He could be focusing too much on trying to please you which is distracting him from get to his point. Some guys (myself included) sometimes get worried if the girl doesn't seem to be really enjoying it so they try everything under the sun to please her and in the process never get a chance to get into a rhythm to make themselves orgasim.

Try different positions, such as doggy style, and maybe tell him that you are ok, you are really enjoying it, and you want to make him come so he can relax and focus on his own rhythm.

LegacyUser

I recently came across (no pun intended) a similar situation myself...
First off I was a virgin.And at 20 that was quite embarrassing.Not that I'd think anything of someone who was a 20 year old virgin but I know what others could be like about it.So that was kind of a bit of pressure/anxiety.Ontop of that I'd never kissed anyone either.You know how cruel and desensitized people can be about slagging someone for being a virgin so you can imagine how scared ****less I was of even kissing someone.All of this built up a lot of worries for me when I hoped something would eventually happen for me.
So when I met a girl I liked and all the nervousness and sheer terror I thought I'd feel went away we got to know one another and then something happened.When we had sex for the first time she knew all about my inexperience and made things so easy for me.She was so nice about it when I could have had a complete wench who wouldn't have understood.She did everything to make me feel comfortable.
But what she couldn't do was prevent me from worrying about what is said about a guy's first time regarding lasting.I was quite worried about that considering I hadn't kissed a girl and was so embarrassed by it,hoping I would last a reasonable time both for my own confidence and for her.Even with that she was so great about it.
So imagine my amazement,and hers (she commmented during and a few times after), when we were well over 30 minutes in and I hadn't come.This might sound like I'm boasting to some but honestly I'm not.If I wanted to I wouldn't have logged out before posting.This might also sound great.And it was.But then I began to realise I wasn't feeling that 'point of no return' build up.So I began to worry.Talk about no winning.Like I said she commented that it was great that I was lasting and that it's quite rare for a guy's first time to last so long.Both of us were noticing it so ontop of worrying about it I was worrying that she was thinking "hmm what's wrong.why hasn't he come.maybe there's something wrong with me" just like you seem to be doing.We changed position anyway and within a few minutes it happened.The change of position definitely helped but I still lasted a good 45 minuntes in total.I realise how rare that is and put it down to a few things.I was so concentrated on worrying that I wouldn't last that it actually helped me last,as odd as that seems.
What I came to realise after was that it wasn't really a once off.When we were together after that I was still lasting a decent time.And what I learned was that,wihtout being crude,I needed to go fast to reach climax.Going slowly along simply will not get me there.This could be because of what others have said.I was very inexperinced and to a fairly late age.So I was literally used to myself.And knew how to make myself come.But didn't know how to make myself come with a girl.God this sounds bad and pathetic.
So basically what others have said;some guys take long.Some don't.But it has nothing to do with you being good or bad in bed.So don't worry.

Talk to him
ask him is he satisfied with the sex your having even though he's not cumming,as this could lead to frustration for him if he's not.

Try doggie style IMO most guys when they can fully control everything and their rhythm its no problem for them also this position is a major turn on for men (something to do with primal/animalistic urges etc etc) but i agree its great
Ask him if he has any fantasies he could be into something strange sexually.

also he could be holding out until you orgasm so let him help you do that by telling him exactly what you need to get yourself off
also having confidence in bed can be a turn on for men as well (I'm saying this as a piece of advice as you said your inexperienced)

also try building up your fitness as the longer sex lasts the more fun it gets for women, as it can take some women longer than 15 mins to achieve orgasm and you can be the one to tire him out for a change:D

Pighead

Hmmmm sounds like nerves alright. Believe it or not Pighead once had this problem too. The problem usually resolves itself after a few months, but if your not prepared to wait that long heres a couple of tips.

Whilst in the process of lovemaking, try tickling his balls whilst whispering into his ears, let me be your dirty cum slut. Look in his eyes open your mouth and proceed to gently(roughly the same amount of pressure as you would use to break an egg with your thumb)squeez his testicles.

Now wipe your face, give him a hug and raise a glass to PIghead.

Talk to him about it. Ask him for any tips on making things better for him, and suggest some for yourself. If you don't know what to suggest to him, find out on your own.
As others have said, if you can have sex with him, you should be able to talk about it.

Victor

Pighead wrote:

Whilst in the process of lovemaking, try tickling his balls whilst whispering into his ears, let me be your dirty cum slut. Look in his eyes open your mouth and proceed to gently(roughly the same amount of pressure as you would use to break an egg with your thumb)squeez his testicles.

:eek:

I'm not sure if this works.

Lady_Macbeth

Pighead wrote:

Whilst in the process of lovemaking, try tickling his balls whilst whispering into his ears, let me be your dirty cum slut. Look in his eyes open your mouth and proceed to gently(roughly the same amount of pressure as you would use to break an egg with your thumb)squeez his testicles.

are you sure................??

AngryBadger

Lady_Macbeth wrote:

are you sure................??

Totally, always does the trick for AngryBadger :cool:

illicit007

Doggystyle always works a treat for me.

And don't worry about 15 mins. Sometimes some guys dont' come at all, sometimes those same guys come within 5 mins.

It gets better with time. Keep mixing things up. I noticed you said regular position, if that's missionary I actually find it hard to come that way.

LovelyHurling

Maybe hes just really good at the twelve times tables

muckwarrior

Condoms?
Suprised someone hasn't mentioned it yet, but the kind of condom you use can have a major bearing on how long you last. I find that when I use the durex extra safe (extra thick) ones then sometimes I could bang away for hours without anything happening. Try looking for the extra thin/sensitive ones. Bound to make a difference.

Obviously I'm assuming that yous are actually using condoms.

LegacyUser

muckwarrior wrote:

Condoms?
Suprised someone hasn't mentioned it yet, but the kind of condom you use can have a major bearing on how long you last. I find that when I use the durex extra safe (extra thick) ones then sometimes I could bang away for hours without anything happening. Try looking for the extra thin/sensitive ones. Bound to make a difference.

Obviously I'm assuming that yous are actually using condoms.

lol, yes of course. but we have been using the extra safe ones alright. so maybe its a combination of doggy style with a sensitive condom and me tickle/squeezing his balls like i would an egg while also trying to relax him. sounds like a lot of hard work. oh well. he's worth it thanks for the tips!

illicit007 wrote:

I noticed you said regular position, if that's missionary I actually find it hard to come that way.

yeah, i meant missionary. we'll give doggy a go.

Blisterman

Tell your boyfriend to try using different grips when he masturbates, so he doesn't become accustomed to just one. This should help.

elvis2002

jaysus, if your using those extra safe condoms no wonder he can't come, They are like wearing a raincoat. I go for the feather light myself. Dont be put off by the name, they are strong yokes. I used to have this problem with all types of condoms, It was going on for 30 minutes for the first sex session and I just had to finish off with my hand. The 2nd time I couldn't feel anything at all, Could go on for hours and would only stop when she couldnt take anymore. With more experience now I know the right position and rythm to have and where to point with my thrusts. Don't be put off anyways. Its not your fault or anything like that. Be rest assured that If he had the chance to ride you without any condoms he'd come within a minute.

LegacyUser

Pighead wrote:

proceed to gently(roughly the same amount of pressure as you would use to break an egg with your thumb)squeez his testicles.

Feeecckk - No way. Dont get me wrong - having some testicle contact is great but SQUEEZING? - The actual testicles themselves!!!?

I really dont know about you, but that would be a big No No for me as it sounds like damage / pain could occur.