Anti-Jokes

Maximilian

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."

The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"

*********

How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?

The police report indicates three.

*****************

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

*************

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

*************

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely
***************************

Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root.

In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an ambulance!".

Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".

***********************

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

He was weird.

***********************

qz

Prison one is funny.

Maximilian

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

***************

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.

The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."

*********************
A wealthy businessman is flying to New York for two weeks, and he wants to keep his wife satisfied lest she sleep around. He drives his BMW to the adult store and asks the shop assistant for advice on the most pleasurable sex toys in the store. After being shown all of the options, every dildo and every vibrator, he is still unsatisfied. His eye then catches on a hand carved ivory box which is behind the counter. 'What about that one' he asks. The assistant tells him,

'I'm very sorry sir, but that isn't for sale, it's a very special voodoo dildo.'

'Well what's so special about it?'

'It is a genuine African hand carved dildo. It was given to the owner of the store as a gift. It's really just for show, and it could possibly splinter anyway.'

'Oh ok.'

The man leaves with nothing and heads off to New York. His wife has hot hot threesomes every night because she married for the money. They were girl-girl-guy.
***************************

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

*********************

A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.

*********************

There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.

****************

As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

GLaDOS

I think their funny, im just not quite sure

Mr.D.Leprachaun

Me likes!:D

Celticfire

I'm guessing they're Anti-Funny jokes...........

Capt'n Midnight

Better loose the reference to baby
- read the charter.

**Timbuk2**

There not funny...

jonnybadd

Two men are in a pub, one turns to the other and says "I was walking down the road last night and I seen various men coming in and out of your house".

The other fella says

"Yes I know, my wife is addicted to heroine and resorts to prostitution to feed her habit.

*********************************************
-Knock Knock

-Whos There?

-This is the poice, your wife has been seriously injured in a car accident

************************************************

Two cows sitting in a field. One of them notices a chicken accross the road, he then bends down and eats some grass.

*************************************************
Why Don't they sell asprin in the jungle?

It would not be economically viable

Diarmsquid

I love these kind of jokes.
In small doses.
Favourite:

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

bounty_hunter

A man walked into a bar.

He suffered a bad concussion, and subsequently lost his job.

*******************

Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?

She was suffering from depression, and had decided to commit suicide.

*******************

A man walked into a bar.

He was an alcoholic, putting terrible pressure on his increasingly fragile family.

patzer117

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk
again.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that
their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have
climaxed.


I think they're great!

joseph brand

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely

Class!!

BOHS

Three elephants walk into a large bar and order three bottles of Jack
Daniels.

The first elephant says, "I bet I can drink this faster than you
guys,"and
with that gulps down the entire bottle in six seconds flat.

The second elephant not wishing to be outdone says, " I'll take that
bet"
and immediately gulps the bottle down, this time in 5 seconds.

The third elephant sees this and asks the bar man, "Is the smoking ban
effecting business much?"

"Not really, we've got the old heaters outside so we're doing alright.
Things will pick up again now in May or so," says the barman.

"They will I suppose" says the third elephant, nodding.
______________________________________________________________

Paddy Englishman Paddy Irish man and Paddy scotsman are trapped together
on
a desert island.

So paddy Irishman and Paddy scotsman kill Paddy Englishman.
_________________________________________________________________
A man goes to see the doctor.

doctor, doctor i've been unwell for a couple of days with symptoms
including fatigue, nausea and occasional vomiting.

- it sounds like this 'flu that has being going around. i can prescribe
antibiotics, but i recommend you let it run its course.

it's probably best if i do that doctor. i don't like to take antibiotics
unless its very necessary.

- thats a good attitude to have. good man yourself. call me if you do
not
improve in the next 2-3 days.

thanks doctor, i will.

- bye now then.

bye so.
_________________________________________________________________
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?"


......and the horse says........."****it I was pulled up in the 3.30 at
Epsom yesterday, and there is rumours of the glue factory people making

visit back at the yard."
_________________________________________________________________
Two blondes are chatting over coffee on a Tuesday morning,
"Do you know how they get the figs into the fig rolls?" quizzed the
first
blonde.
"No" replied the other.
_________________________________________________________________
A man walks into a bar.
His alcoholism is crippling his family.
_________________________________________________________________

'Knock Knock?'
'Who's there?'
'Electricity Board. I've come to read the meter.'
'Oh right so. Come in. It's just there, by the telephone table.'
'Freezing outside.'
'Yeah.'
'Right. That's sorted so.'
'Cheers.'
'Cheers. 'Bye.'

_________________________________________________________________
My mother-in-law is so fat...she's got to the point where she doesn't
want
to leave the house. She's trapped in a cycle of shame and guilt, that
just
makes her eat more, and then she feels more shamed and guilty. My wife's
quite worried about her. Sad, really
_________________________________________________________________

Paddy English man Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scottish man are all working
on
a building site one day when the devil appears and says," I'll grant you
three wishes if you let me have your souls."

Paddy Englishman says" Lads are ye seeing this as well, aw man tis is
really freaky."

Paddy Scottishman gets down on his knees and starts praying vigourously
and
crying.

Sadly the shock of the incident triggered the anuerism in Paddy Irish
man's
brain to pop and he died on the spot.

" Sorry about that lads", said the devil, "I thought ye'd be up for it."
_________________________________________________________________
Why was'nt the black man allowed on the bus?


Beucase it was dangerously full by the time it had reached him. He
waited 5
mins for the next one and got to his destination safely.

_________________________________________________________________
What do you call a cat with no tail?


A Manx cat.

________________________________________________________________
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge?


She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her
terribly
low self-esteem.

nevermind2005

I've been banned.

keevita

that one doesnt quite follow the theme....

nevermind2005

two chickens on the sie of a road.
one of them was about to cross it.
the other chicken yells "dont, they will be talking about it forever"

---

what the big chimney say to the litte chimney.......?
nothing. chimneys cant talk.

---

2 fish in a tank.
they swim round all day.

---

a black man walks into a bar.
he orders a drink, pays the barman and sits down to enjoy his drink

keevita

thats it! well done newbie!

nevermind2005

tanx. i try my best

TerrorFirmer

BOHS wrote:

Three elephants walk into a large bar and order three bottles of Jack
Daniels.

The first elephant says, "I bet I can drink this faster than you
guys,"and
with that gulps down the entire bottle in six seconds flat.

The second elephant not wishing to be outdone says, " I'll take that
bet"
and immediately gulps the bottle down, this time in 5 seconds.

The third elephant sees this and asks the bar man, "Is the smoking ban
effecting business much?"

"Not really, we've got the old heaters outside so we're doing alright.
Things will pick up again now in May or so," says the barman.

"They will I suppose" says the third elephant, nodding.
______________________________________________________________

Paddy Englishman Paddy Irish man and Paddy scotsman are trapped together
on
a desert island.

So paddy Irishman and Paddy scotsman kill Paddy Englishman.
_________________________________________________________________
A man goes to see the doctor.

doctor, doctor i've been unwell for a couple of days with symptoms
including fatigue, nausea and occasional vomiting.

- it sounds like this 'flu that has being going around. i can prescribe
antibiotics, but i recommend you let it run its course.

it's probably best if i do that doctor. i don't like to take antibiotics
unless its very necessary.

- thats a good attitude to have. good man yourself. call me if you do
not
improve in the next 2-3 days.

thanks doctor, i will.

- bye now then.

bye so.
_________________________________________________________________
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?"


......and the horse says........."****it I was pulled up in the 3.30 at
Epsom yesterday, and there is rumours of the glue factory people making

visit back at the yard."
_________________________________________________________________
Two blondes are chatting over coffee on a Tuesday morning,
"Do you know how they get the figs into the fig rolls?" quizzed the
first
blonde.
"No" replied the other.
_________________________________________________________________
A man walks into a bar.
His alcoholism is crippling his family.
_________________________________________________________________

'Knock Knock?'
'Who's there?'
'Electricity Board. I've come to read the meter.'
'Oh right so. Come in. It's just there, by the telephone table.'
'Freezing outside.'
'Yeah.'
'Right. That's sorted so.'
'Cheers.'
'Cheers. 'Bye.'

_________________________________________________________________
My mother-in-law is so fat...she's got to the point where she doesn't
want
to leave the house. She's trapped in a cycle of shame and guilt, that
just
makes her eat more, and then she feels more shamed and guilty. My wife's
quite worried about her. Sad, really
_________________________________________________________________

Paddy English man Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scottish man are all working
on
a building site one day when the devil appears and says," I'll grant you
three wishes if you let me have your souls."

Paddy Englishman says" Lads are ye seeing this as well, aw man tis is
really freaky."

Paddy Scottishman gets down on his knees and starts praying vigourously
and
crying.

Sadly the shock of the incident triggered the anuerism in Paddy Irish
man's
brain to pop and he died on the spot.

" Sorry about that lads", said the devil, "I thought ye'd be up for it."
_________________________________________________________________
Why was'nt the black man allowed on the bus?


Beucase it was dangerously full by the time it had reached him. He
waited 5
mins for the next one and got to his destination safely.

_________________________________________________________________
What do you call a cat with no tail?


A Manx cat.

________________________________________________________________
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge?


She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her
terribly
low self-esteem.

Now, they are great examples of anti jokes. Better then the OP

radiospan

BOHS wrote:

Three elephants walk into a large bar and order three bottles of Jack Daniels.

The first elephant says, "I bet I can drink this faster than you guys,"and with that gulps down the entire bottle in six seconds flat.

The second elephant not wishing to be outdone says, " I'll take thatbet" and immediately gulps the bottle down, this time in 5 seconds.

The third elephant sees this and asks the bar man, "Is the smoking ban effecting business much?"

"Not really, we've got the old heaters outside so we're doing alright.
Things will pick up again now in May or so," says the barman.

"They will I suppose" says the third elephant, nodding.

My favourite.

Capt'n Midnight

nevermind2005 wrote:

what do you get if you ...

Read the charter and pull it before you get banned.

Capt'n Midnight

Knock Knock
Who's there?
The police. Your husband just died.


Why shouldn't you play cards in the jungle?
Because the smell and flashy designs may provoke animal attacks.


Two men are standing on a rooftop.
Man #1: Do you want me to push you off the roof?
Man #2: No.


Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?
Cause it was a broken piece of junk.


Why did the chicken cross the road?
There was something it was interested in.


What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"


Where do you weigh a whale?
In a whale weigh station.


how do you keep a rhino from charging?
build a wall...


How do you keep an idiot in suspence?
Hang him.


Bill Clinton, George Bush and Al Gore are on a plane.
They land safely and deliver their speeches to the public.

Redhairedguy

A blonde and a brunette jump off a building. Who hit's the ground first?

Neither, as hair colour has nothing to do with velocity due to air speed and gravity.

******************************************
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because there was food there

*******************************************
a man and a woman are stuck in the desert with no chance of rescue.
Eventually they both die from the heat.

********************************************

Two pieces of brocolli are side by side in a shop, one is bought and eaten that day.

********************************************

An apple and orange walk into a bar and ask the barman for a sandwich

The barman doesn't reply and takes his medication for his pyschosis

*********************************************

A small boy asks his mother about the facts of life one day

The mother rings up the school and gives the principal a bollicking for no reason

*******************************************

A frog hops into a princess' lap as she is basking by a pond in her kingdom.

The frog says that he was once a handsome prince, and was turned into a frog by a wicked witch, and only a kiss from a princess could free him.

So surprised is the princess by the frog's ability to talk she smashs him to smithreens with her shoe and goes back to sleep

Cake Fiend

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

Two men are standing on a rooftop.
Man #1: Do you want me to push you off the roof?
Man #2: No.

Best evarr.

MrSinn

All of those jokes are the same,so obvious.

luckat

An infeior man walks into a bar.

"What are you infeior of?" the barman asked him.

"Ah, you know, life is scary," said the man, and drank a pint.

spudington16

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

Where do you weigh a whale?
In a whale weigh station.

There's a difference between anti-jokes and bad jokes, Capt'n...

Soundman

luckat wrote:

An infeior man walks into a bar.

"What are you infeior of?" the barman asked him.

"Ah, you know, life is scary," said the man, and drank a pint.

Huh? What is infeior?

In fear? or, inferior?

Capt'n Midnight

Soundman wrote:

Huh? What is infeior?

In fear? or, inferior?

that, from the contex, you should be able to infer.

Gilgamesh

will have to try the one on how to confuse a blonde, so if you guys see someone in down all green, you know what caused it.

guitar10

Maximilian wrote:

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."

The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"

*********

How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?

The police report indicates three.

*****************

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

*************

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.


*************

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely
***************************

Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root.

In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an ambulance!".

Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".

***********************

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

He was weird.

***********************

Listen you shower of crap i hear that one of the Admin guys has thrown NEVERMIND2005 out of the forum !!!!! what a load of balls, potato peelers the lot of ye. his joke was as bad in taste as others on this Forum.....:mad: respect the cock knob munchers

Dave

well said :rolleyes:

FREE NEVERMIND!!111oneone exclamation mark

projectmayhem

made this 'un myself. it's great.

what do you call a blonde in a doctors office?
sick.

polkadots

Oh i've one, i've one!

A woman walks into a supermarket and picks up one small cabbage, one apple and a microwaveable meal for one. When she goes up to pay the cashier asks her if she's single. "Yes I am", she replies."How did you guess?"
"Because you're ugly", replies the cashier.

Mr.D.Leprachaun

I don't know...that's more funny in a conventional sense...either a crap anti-joke or a good joke...

polkadots

Well, how about this then:

A woman walks into a supermarket and picks up one small cabbage, one apple and a microwaveable meal for one. When she goes up to pay, the cashier asks her if she's single. "Yes", she replies. "My husband of ten years has just left me for my younger, better looking sister."

guitar10

2 fish in tank one says to the other how is your mother

Mr.D.Leprachaun

polkadots wrote:

Well, how about this then:

A woman walks into a supermarket and picks up one small cabbage, one apple and a microwaveable meal for one. When she goes up to pay, the cashier asks her if she's single. "Yes", she replies. "My husband of ten years has just left me for my younger, better looking sister."

Spot on!:D I love anti-jokes!

dlofnep

LOL, these are great. Although, I'd laugh at anything.

guitar10

Paddy Irish man and Paddy Engish man and Paddy scots man were having a chat one day and Paddy irish man & paddy scots man ganged up and kicked the **** out the the prod loving englishman