How do you get someone out of your head?

LegacyUser

How do you get someone out of your head? Im out of a long relationship 8 months now, she ended it because she felt we had drifted apart. I took it badly for a while but after a few months I started to make changes in my life. Went out more, got in touch with old friends, studied my ass off for my degree etc… Most nights I have a laugh.

One of the worries I had would have been with the ladies. Im not the worst looking bloke in the world but Im not 10 out of 10 either. But strangely enough Ive had my offers here and there in nightclubs from a few strangers. It’s that feelin after you’ve taken up one of those offers. I still think of my ex. And even though I wouldn’t take her back (she would never come back anyway) and I’m not head over heals for her anymore, I still have some feelings. Maybe it’s because its Christmas and I feel like I need a companion - more than a shift or a shag from some stranger. I never really fully enjoyed the whole clubbin/scoring women thing anyway. I think I miss my best friend. I thought I was doin really well, making all the right moves and letting time do it thing but its still pretty much the same feeling. I haven’t seen my ex in 6 months so Im used to her not around. Has anyone else ever been “hung up”(for want of a better word) on someone for so long or longer? And How do you get that someone out of your head?

Red Alert

yep been there done that have the t-shirt etc. it really doesn't just go away, but it looks to me like your doing the right stuff, occupying yourself etc. i missed one particular ex terribly for ages, just started going out a whole lot more and was over the worst of it in a couple of weeks. some deeper upset was there tho' and that did take its time to go away. strangely enough i've never been with anyone over the christmas period so i'm well used to going drinking with lads/family etc and never really felt like being with anyone special at christmas.

good luck man, you sound like you will be able to cope. just keep doing what you're doing.

panda100

i second red alert.It is true that time really does heal the pain. Christmas is definatly the worst time of year cos everyones buying pressies for their other halfs and there seem to be loads of couples cuddled up together. But you'll be fine,and most certainly arent the first person to have felt like this!

turbot

Paul McKenna wrote a book called "How to mend your broken heart" which is all about moving on after painful breakups. It might be useful for you.

LegacyUser

Believe me it was hard for the first few weeks. Still have that insecure feeling when I go out, and the whole on the piss/on the pull scene is beginning to piss me off. I was in my own little world of paradise for years and when it fell apart so did I. It’s all a part of growing up or getting on in life as far as I can see, but its really annoying. I hate what happened and how bad I took it, I still love her in a way, but we don’t speak now, I’m kind of glad in a way even though that wasn’t my decision, and I know id never want to go back there. Thanks all for replyin; Just one thing though, its gonna be hard to trust and to let down all those fcukin gards again when someone does come along!

Red Alert

just live for the moment, i told myself i wasn't getting involved with anyone for ages. and then someone came along who wasn't very pushy or anything let that and things just took their course - she's gone too now but we're still the best of friends.

Laguna

How'd you get someone out of your head/get over them, pfft, I guess by filling your time as much as you can with activities that don't allow you time to dwell on things?.. a team sport?, work, socialising with friends?, anything really as long as it isn't staying at home which inevitably leads us all to self analysing.

LegacyUser

Times a healer, I hope. Its getting bad and more common again around this time of year. Im getting urges again to ring her but I know its not the same. Im doing my best to go out, meet new people and find myself. But when Im home or not enjoying me self analzation does come into play. I really want it to stop. I wish I could forget about her and turn off my feelings for year like a tap but not matter how hard I try, or how long I go without even thinking about her when she comes back into my mind ithits me for six. I know I should let time do its thing, get over it etc but its been goin on a while now and I just need something to help me along – SOMETHING!!

LegacyUser

in my experience, this kind of longing is often because we're projecting some part of ourselves, our past, etc onto this person. for whatever reason this person has become associated with that aspect of ourselves. it can be helpful to know this- the other person is not the solution to the problem, we actually have the resources within ourselves.

things that can help include - writing about it, exploring what it is that we imagine we need from this other person. then trying to work out the ways we can provide that for ourselves.

there's a good book on this subject, title sounds extreme but it's full of common sense advice, written by a respected psychotherapist..'how to break your addiction to a person' howard halpern..it's available on amazon.com

py2006

This might sound extreme but the one thing I found from my own experience and from other peoples is a clean break.

Being friends with somebody after a hear-breaking break up makes it harder to let go. Although you have the best intentions you end up hanging onto the hope that one day you will get back together or something would happen etc.

Get away from him/her. Do something different. Don't tell them to F off or anything. Just move on. Its hard but it works!

I dont always agree with the saying "Absense makes the heart grew fonder". It also makes the heart forget!!!

meditraitor

Time is the only way brother, keep your head up....

LegacyUser

Its really shocking still cant believe it. The fact that Im here on the net talking to strangers about this, I never expected it. She is on my mind everywhere I turn lately, being Christmas time I suppose the main reason whyI was really happy. If someone would have told me a few months back all this would have happened, and that I would be on boards cryin for help Id have definitely laughed my head off at them. It is amazing though how you drop everything else in your life for happiness with one person, and after a good few years it ends and you soon come to realize it! I still miss her, I still love her (kills me to admit that) but goota move on. . Again thanks to all, I never thought id see this day, lookin for advice on net, being told to read books to help my situation. I know Im not going to make the same mistakes again, which Im not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

OrangeOranges

It's killer man!!
I'm 5 months out of a 6 year relationship. It's absolutely awful this time of year. Find myself awake at night wondering what's she's at all the time. She creeps onto my mind about every 10mins if I'm honest.

But I just refuse to let one relationship define my life. I also refuse to let it take up anymore of my life. If it's over...... it's over ............life is for living and experiencing new things imo.

The whole shaggin loads of other women thing doesnt really do it for me but in fairness if you can focus on staying positive. Get fit, study, do whatever you can do to improve yourself.

Be stubbornly convinced that you feel good, be stubbornly convinced that your not gonna be the sad b*stard who doesn't know when to give up.

I'm tempted every second of the day to write her, ring her etc etc ""just to explain" "just to get things off my chest". The point is it wont change anything. Wont even make you feel better. All you be doing is reconfirming the fact that she doesnt care. Reconfirming the fact that your the sad grovelling plonker!

Women can just switch off. Its scary . But they can just decide they no longer give a f*cuk. They do not care if you live or die and are just being nice by talking to you.

You need to teach yourself to do the same. Cos there's no way I'll be seen to need sympathy from her.

To be honest its pure self-pride on my part that refuses to let me behave in a manner I consider lacking dignity.

I just wont be that weak sad man who refuse's to say f*ck you too, I'm done with ya!!!

So my point is. Move on. Decide what type of a man you want to be and just be it. Do whatever it takes to constantly feel better about yourself.

Eventually you'll get to the stage where you can say "your loss" .......more luck to ya.

<<<as much as all the above kills me in the quiet and lonely moments of the day, which are getting less frequent by the way>>>

spunkymunky

I dont think you can actually GET someone out of you head they just GO out of you head. The old saying out of sight out of mind is sad but true and unfortuanately only time will heal the pain.
The clean break idea can be best, dont contact, delete there number from your phone, take down pics, stop wearing that jumper or watch or whatever they bought you.
Sorry, hope it all works out for you

full forward

Every time you think about her you should force yourself to imagine them sitting on the toilet.

spooiirt!!

Think about your exs faults a lot. I saw two of my exes this week (DAMN), but when i talked to them i thought " ah shes not all that great". Try finding a new girlfriend, thatll speed it up.

LegacyUser

It ended badly with both of us saying and doing things we shouldnt have after breakup, but hopefully in time I'll fully get over her. I know I'll always love her in a way, and that I'll prob be thinkin of her Christmas day and New Years (While she prob snogs the face of some stranger!). Hope everyone has a good Christmas and cheers for all the input!

LegacyUser

OrangeOranges wrote:

It's killer man!!
I'm 5 months out of a 6 year relationship. It's absolutely awful this time of year. Find myself awake at night wondering what's she's at all the time. She creeps onto my mind about every 10mins if I'm honest.

But I just refuse to let one relationship define my life. I also refuse to let it take up anymore of my life. If it's over...... it's over ............life is for living and experiencing new things imo.

The whole shaggin loads of other women thing doesnt really do it for me but in fairness if you can focus on staying positive. Get fit, study, do whatever you can do to improve yourself.

Be stubbornly convinced that you feel good, be stubbornly convinced that your not gonna be the sad b*stard who doesn't know when to give up.

I'm tempted every second of the day to write her, ring her etc etc ""just to explain" "just to get things off my chest". The point is it wont change anything. Wont even make you feel better. All you be doing is reconfirming the fact that she doesnt care. Reconfirming the fact that your the sad grovelling plonker!

Women can just switch off. Its scary . But they can just decide they no longer give a f*cuk. They do not care if you live or die and are just being nice by talking to you.

You need to teach yourself to do the same. Cos there's no way I'll be seen to need sympathy from her.
....

Thats the best reply ever, and I hope I can do that too. Im the same refgarding wanting to ring/write etc.. as you say "just to explain". I think women can switch off because thats the way society is. Its easier for them, especially if their goodlooking. I know my ex could walk into any pub/nightclub and get 40/50 men no bother if she wanted (theres the jealousy). Thats wat kionda happened, she escaped that sufficating bubble she was in with me, moved away and made new friends anda new life. im still stuck in the old one but like you said I should teach myself to do the same.

laluna

dont beat yourself up over still thinking about someone.

i think one is lucky to be able to still remember the nice moments together. you also havent been single for that long so it is okay still to remember.

if you have thoughts about her, hold those thoughts in your head, and lets those thoughts leave your head and your attention when you are ready.

take care

LegacyUser

Apolgs for draging out this - but as an update I spent half an hour on Xmas-day cryin my eyes out, punching doors and walls, basically letting it all out. Its been the best part of the year since the breakup. I havent seen/spoken to her in a good while either. I just broke down. I dont want to be feeling sorry for myself 24/7, but for a good chunk of this year I have. I look at my life and myself now and I wonder wats ahead. I have a number of mates, but none that are mates with one another. A friend here, an friend there etc... who in turn have their own gfriends and mates. Im like a big spare wheel. I dont seem to fit in. I feel like pure sh*t in th e pubs, laughin/jokin/puttin on a front for others, pretending Im on the mend(while deep down Im goin mental). Standing there with a pint in my hand, smile on my face, yet Ive no interest for being there at all, no interest in chatting other women up at all. I just want to curl up in a corner, while my ex lives life up.

I think Im a needy person, or a dependant person (self analyzing again). I gave everything as you do - trust, love time and comittment. Maybe I'm too old fashioned?? I was dependant on this persons feelings for me, and it was very evident how much she cared for me and loved me. She used to say how much she loved showing me off in public and how much we were in love etc...I felt the same, and tbh STILL DO. But thats well over and done with.

I know everyone has there issues and problems but Its driving me up the wall. only for family at Christmas I think I would have really went mental.

Victor

Do you talk to anyone about her?

AnonGuy wrote:

Apolgs for draging out this

No need to apologise, this is what the PI board is here for.

I know everyone has there issues and problems but Its driving me up the wall. only for family at Christmas I think I would have really went mental.

I felt so bad on Christmas Eve I nearly spent Christmas alone. I stayed with my sister, but it took me 15 minutes to cross from Westmoreland Street to Abbey Street I felt so bad. Oddly it was a "not quite the same" mirror of exactly five years previously when I didn't feel like travelling home and stayed with her. That time it was "woe is me" but at the same time being welcomed into a bussling household (my sister, her husband, 4 daughters and au-pair). This time it was so much harder (the yougest daughter, my goddaughter died when she was 15 months). She would have been 5 in November. We visited the grave on Sunday and had some little Christmassy bits - baubles, a demented looking snowman and so on.

Look, I hope you get to move on, you need not forget, but you don't have to beat yourself up either.

LegacyUser

Its slightly worryin when I want to move on? I dont know anyvbody who enjoys feelin sorry for themselves. Was just the two of us, and I think shock,loneliness,heartbroken and anger are my feelins in the order now. I have letters(actually books) of her declaring her love for me, cards, videos of me being with her family, so many romatnic and warm feelinhgs, her sisters wedding I was cameraman etc I could go on.........Now we dont talk, it kills me.

I want to move on, I want to meet genuine women again(though relationships dont have a great appealing yet), I want to have a laugh with the lads, I want to be happy. Problems though:: genuine women very hard to come by or hard to meet (espec interested ones), my mates are all scattered all over the place and without tryin to sound like a dikhead most of them are half friends. I cant be happy if I still have this loving obsession for someone and lettin it get to me for so long (while other people have way worse problems and would consider this childish whinging).There ya go, my rant apres Christmas.

Rover 06

Sorry about your troubles AnonGuy. I am going through something kinda similar at the moment but I have been through it before about 4 years back and things are a bit easier this time around because of the experience I have behind me. This time of the year is always hard for people if their life is not going to plan.
All I can say to you is once xmas is done and dusted that will be another hurdle you have jumped over. If you find yourself down, try and write on paper or type the thoughts that you have had which has gotten you into this state of mind. If you can figure out the pattern of thoughts in you head which get you to this stage it will be the first step in trying to counteract them. In other words for every negative thought that you have, try and think of a positive one to counteract that. Try and write down the things that really annoyed you about your ex and read them out load....

SexeeAussie

Sorry to hear you having such a hard time....... I disagree about 'women' being able to 'switchoff' at the end of a relationship. That is a huge generalisation that I totally dispute. Some women MAY switch off, some men may as well. I know in my relationships there have been times I knew I had to walk away and cut all ties.....yet after others, I have obsessed and stressed and cried and torn myself up about it all....TBH almost became a stalker!!

I know that breaking up with my last ex was terribly hard for me...I felt as though he switched off......it was like one day he loved me and the next day he despised me. I couldn't understand how he could be soooooo cold, so black and white. I hated him for being able to just 'turn off' and get on with it, when I was left with a broken heart and a bruised ego. You know what though.......I really thought I would never, ever get over this man. Yet on Christmas he sent me a message and tbh I didn't feel at all sentimental or sad. I kinda felt relieved. Because a few months ago he had hinted at getting back together....yet I had done my 'grieving' and had accepted that we were not to be. That took a lot of time mind you, and the corny line "Time heals all wounds" is sooo true. You may never forget the hurt, but in time it subsides. Anyway, I found that writing a list (mental or on paper) helped. Think of all the negative things about being with that person or about that person, think of all the troubles within the relationship~especially things that you could not change. Don't dwell on it, just think about the negative instead of looking at the past with rose coloured glasses (as understandable as it is).

I think you are doing the right thing, studying, getting out of the house with friends etc is all very important in the healing process. As for feeling a bit 'lost' after going home with another girl, that feeling will also change when you meet someone who you respect, admire, want to get to know better. ANd that time will come.....when you are ready!!!

Goodluck

SexeeAussie

Rover 06 wow, I just posted my mammoth post and read what you must h ave written at the same time...great minds think alike re the 'list'!!!!!

LegacyUser

Here are my thoughts – typed out.

I really loved her
I really wanted the perfect world.
I wanted to stay in love with the first person that I hit it off well with.
I wanted us to be together forever.
I gave it all, let down all my guards and trusted, loved and cared 100%.
To here someone cry when they tell ya they love ya etc, right romantic me!
Now it ended sudden, I reacted like a complete muppet, did and said stupid things and because of that we don’t talk
Left with this empty lonely feeling, a feeling that she couldn even replace. I don’t love her the same way, it would never be the same and as much as I regard them as the best years of my life (as she did also – in a breakup/lets be friends letter) I would never want to go back.
My family loved her, and we were two best friends. She was beautiful, kind, fun, a little wild but mature and suttle.
I just wish really I do that she’d ring and say “hi, how ya doin, let bygones be bygones etc”. I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want her as my best friend, it sjust I HATE the fact the first person I love (and lets be honest the first one will always remain close to ya) now hates me. I know the best thing is to leave it and Im also gonna do that but its just a wish.
Anyhow gonna try move on fully now. MONTHS after the breakup, heartbreak and the fiasco after it all.
She was a good one, really good. Im glad I experienced it. I just hope I’ll get to feel that way again with someone else, and if its possible even better.

There Im done talk crap now!!

Brooks

Women can just switch off. Its scary . But they can just decide they no longer give a f*cuk. They do not care if you live or die and are just being nice by talking to you.



ahh! have to disagree - dont tar all women with the same brush! im a woman out of 4 year relationship for four months... feeling it really hard the last couple of days... we are not all heartless bitches, despite how we may appear sometimes. Christmas is full of memories and hard for lots of people - heartbroken or otherwise!
i've been having a mini meltdown the last few days, but i know that it will pass in a couple of days when things are back to normal....i'm practically having to sit on my hands to stop myself texting him to see how he is!
its so hard.

Gyre

Anonguy,

I was and …one could say, still am like that. It’s f*cking sh*t. Believe me, everyday was a struggle, I couldn’t stop thinking about her; where she may be; who she’s talking to and all that stuff (you know yourself, you could go on forever). It’s very confusing when something like this happens. It’s almost like being at war…ah…Imagine shooting a man! Imagine the feel and thought that you are ending life, killing possibly a father (if it’s a man you’re shooting), a son etc. It’s like what a soldier said in Fahrenheit 9/11, that when you kill a man, you essentially kill a part of yourself. Now, this is what it’s like when you lose what you have loved for so long; what you have dedicated yourself to for whatever amount of time; what you GAVE your heart and soul and person to.
You become defeated.
You consider yourself worthless and unwanted. It’s a f*cking (I’m using curses here to emphasise the fact that I am even angry thinking about this situation) terrible experience.

It’s
Just
Terrible.

On news programs or sometimes soccer programs etc, presenters sometimes come out with the word, “Enormity”. But 90% of the time, they succeed in using the word incorrectly with regards to the event in which they are talking about.

“Enormity” is the sheer devastation of a particular event that has happened (The sheer horror of something). “We can not comprehend the enormity of loss families experience when in times of war”. That’s using the word properly.
“Roy Keane scored the winning goal for Ireland in the final of the world cup. The enormity of this event is something that will be remembered in years to come”. This is wrong.

The experience that you are living…is rash, harsh and completely undeserving (I expect) and from my own experience, the “Enormity” of a relationship break-up / divide is absolutely unfathomable.
Just had to get that out. In brief, this kind of experience is deserving of the word “enormity” because it’s endless, indescribable suffering.

So on we go. It is however, personal. Very personal. Like you, I have sought for advice off friends/ family/ the net (meaning anonymous people like myself to you) even the church. And although this all helps, there is no greater healer than yourself.

Why did this girl love you? Think about that question.

Because you are who YOU are. Just because she’s gone, doesn’t mean you are useless. You are another consciousness like every other being. I believe there is a spark in everyone. Everyone can and will make some kind of contribution to the world around them at some stage of their lives. And although, is may be pompous at times, you absolutely MUST regenerate and rebuild the pride you had when you were with your ex but now, on your own. It’s there and I can swear to you it’ll always be there, but it’s up to you to evoke that inner-self to the outside and regain confidence.
You must defeat the notion, “ I just want to curl up in a corner, while my ex lives life up”.

Even though I may still be going through the torment, it is most certainly not like what it was 3-4months ago. Another great confider is music, the universal and immediate language of the soul. The same principle stands with good books.

I know exactly what you are living but belief me, it’s going to work out if you believe in yourself and whatever you do, don’t EVER consider …self-inflicted injury …as a way out.
Through such misery, I found and am still finding new paths and new perceptions. Your style will change for the better and your heart will become harder (This is a little suspect however because I’m not sure if I want my heart to become hard??). Every day will continue to drag on but as the others have said and I’ll abbreviate…

IF memories of her and times together pop into your head, you are (1) letting them defeat YOU and (2) it’s a clear sign that you are resisting to do anything of importance or productive. If you continue to do things you like to do, it’ll ease your mind and slowly but SURELY, it’ll all become clear and you will create new memories.

I found that the most relaxing time I had recently, was when I was making art. I bought materials, paints, pencils, card/paper, and all that stuff to make a Birthday card. My mind was released because it was my priority to put all my attention and concentration into something worthwhile (and not old memories). I felt happy with what I was doing and everything was warm again. I rediscovered that I could draw and paint etc. I rediscovered a part of me. This was achieved because I did not let my mind wander. You must learn to control yourself and your thoughts. Don’t give up on it and keep trying. We are all worth more than mere bad memories.

Referring to my initial point… as war continues, you become immune to the suffering that you cause and that others cause to you. In other words you get over it.

Sorry about my rather ridiculous GamesMaster-like “wisdom” that may seem cheesy in parts but essentially, it’s true and it helps. Also, I would like to make reference to Orange Oranges. Agreeing with you, yes…his post is very honest and above all…completely true! Good man yourself! Hope this post helps.

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www.neonsundisorder.tk
(My Band)

LegacyUser

Isn't it strange that when you feel like you are all alone dealing with your own break-up, you find a thread like this and its like reading your own thoughts?!Anonguy, I can totally relate and I know exactly how you feel 'cos I'm still dealing with the horrible reality that goes with a break up. Can honestly say that he was the first guy I ever truly loved, even though I had other and longer relationships before him. But like a fellow boarder said, one day he just switched off, turned into a guy that I didn't recognise.

That was months back and it is still very raw. We were in contact via phone up to a couple of weeks ago, I sent a text to wish him a happy xmas and didn't get a reply. That was horrible.....but I realised that he wasn't for me. You deserve somebody who will treat you properly...we all do...keep telling yourself that...whats meant for you will not pass you by.........take care and best of luck...heres to a better year

IvaBigWun

Some absolutely spot on advice there from a few posts. To the Op: We've all been there, hell you might be there again a few years from now but thats all part of the sweet and sour of life. Fill up your day with loads to do and give it time.

LegacyUser

AnonGuy wrote:

I really loved her
I really wanted the perfect world.
I wanted to stay in love with the first person that I hit it off well with.
I wanted us to be together forever.
I gave it all, let down all my guards and trusted, loved and cared 100%.
To here someone cry when they tell ya they love ya etc, right romantic me!
Now it ended sudden, I reacted like a complete muppet, did and said stupid things and because of that we don’t talk
Left with this empty lonely feeling, a feeling that she couldn even replace. I don’t love her the same way, it would never be the same and as much as I regard them as the best years of my life (as she did also – in a breakup/lets be friends letter) I would never want to go back.
My family loved her, and we were two best friends. She was beautiful, kind, fun, a little wild but mature and suttle.

I totally know what you are going through. I was with someone for 7 years and it ended 2 years ago. I am with someone else now and so is my ex and I am "happy" but I still cry all the time over my old relationship. Like you say, it will never be the same even if you went back but what you are going through is mourning the relationship. Its not going to go away over night. It has only been a few months for you. Like you, I lay on my bed punched and kicked and cried like a child for ages in frustration over my mixed up feelings on christmas night. I am happy with the new relationship but I will never reach the levels of happiness and contentment I had with the old. I never knew what it was like to loose someone, to be truely happy and have it taken all away. It is like my ex has died. I am still mourning the loss. Its just not possible to gel that way with someone twice, IMO. My ex was my life, my everything. We were each other's best friend, lover, confident, partner, closer than family for 7 years and it just doesnt go away even when the relationship breaks up.

It is hard. It is very hard and you will go through cycles of ups and downs and in betweenies. Dont be so hard on yourself. What you are going through is normal and its not going to go away easily. It takes time, I know that is a cliche. I just dont know how much time. I am two years out of it and I am still breaking down at random times. I dont think you ever truely get over something like that. I still think of my ex every day. To use another cliche I get sick and tired of feeling like this and frustrated but somehow I get up and go to work every day and carry on a relationship with someone else. And there are alot of times now when I am actually happy. And those times are getting longer and longer. One of the hardest parts is letting go. You dont want to let go because then they are truely gone. You want to keep the photoes and the memories because they are precious to you, but to get over it you have to start letting them go.

I know exactly what you mean when you say you go to the pub with a smile plastered on your face not wanting or caring to be there. But the main thing is you went out. For however long, you got out and socialised. Seriously, its the only thing that will keep you from spirilling down into a place where its just not healthy to go.

I really wish you the best and hope that some day soon you will wake up and the sun will shine and for one brief moment you will forget about her.

homeOwner

AnonGuy wrote:

I really loved her
I really wanted the perfect world.
I wanted to stay in love with the first person that I hit it off well with.
I wanted us to be together forever.
I gave it all, let down all my guards and trusted, loved and cared 100%.
To here someone cry when they tell ya they love ya etc, right romantic me!
Now it ended sudden, I reacted like a complete muppet, did and said stupid things and because of that we don’t talk
Left with this empty lonely feeling, a feeling that she couldn even replace. I don’t love her the same way, it would never be the same and as much as I regard them as the best years of my life (as she did also – in a breakup/lets be friends letter) I would never want to go back.
My family loved her, and we were two best friends. She was beautiful, kind, fun, a little wild but mature and suttle.

I totally know what you are going through. I was with someone for 7 years and it ended 2 years ago. I am with someone else now and so is my ex and I am "happy" but I still cry all the time over my old relationship. Like you say, it will never be the same even if you went back but what you are going through is mourning the relationship. Its not going to go away over night. It has only been a few months for you. Like you, I lay on my bed punched and kicked and cried like a child for ages in frustration over my mixed up feelings on christmas night. I am happy with the new relationship but I will never reach the levels of happiness and contentment I had with the old. I never knew what it was like to loose someone, to be truely happy and have it taken all away. It is like my ex has died. I am still mourning the loss. Its just not possible to gel that way with someone twice, IMO. My ex was my life, my everything. We were each other's best friend, lover, confident, partner, closer than family for 7 years and it just doesnt go away even when the relationship breaks up.

It is hard. It is very hard and you will go through cycles of ups and downs and in betweenies. Dont be so hard on yourself. What you are going through is normal and its not going to go away easily. It takes time, I know that is a cliche. I just dont know how much time. I am two years out of it and I am still breaking down at random times. I dont think you ever truely get over something like that. I still think of my ex every day. To use another cliche I get sick and tired of feeling like this and frustrated but somehow I get up and go to work every day and carry on a relationship with someone else. And there are alot of times now when I am actually happy. And those times are getting longer and longer. One of the hardest parts is letting go. You dont want to let go because then they are truely gone. You want to keep the photoes and the memories because they are precious to you, but to get over it you have to start letting them go.

I know exactly what you mean when you say you go to the pub with a smile plastered on your face not wanting or caring to be there. But the main thing is you went out. For however long, you got out and socialised. Seriously, its the only thing that will keep you from spirilling down into a place where its just not healthy to go.

I really wish you the best and hope that some day soon you will wake up and the sun will shine and for one brief moment you will forget about her.

Dathai

I think that you're thinking too much about her being with other people, when that happened to myself, I just thought about myself being with someone, while she was on her own.It sounds horrible but, it made me think that I was doing better in a way.
Trust me man, I was in the same position as yourself, friends here and there, not really close with anyone at all, and feeling like a muppet all the time.But honestly, if you just get out, and think to yourself, "This bitch isnt going to control me anymore" and you show yourself, that you are not a muppet, get with who you can, just feel some happiness with someone.And you will have moved on, it sounds silly, but honestly, when you're with someone else, having a good time, she'll be out of your mind, and more than likely, feeling crap.
Don't let her ruin you, you seem like a great bloke, if you care for yourself, you'll just enjoy your life, hang out with as many mates as you can, it will bridge them back, and they'll be there for you.
Ive been where you are, thinking constantly about that person, not being able to sleep, when you do sleep your dreams contain her, and ylu wake up because of them and think of her again.
Seriously man,this is an oppourtunity to show yourself that you're better than her, and she's an idiot for not being with you.You'll have fun and more than likely, meet someone better than her.After all, you drifted apart from her, she must not have been that special? Think, there's more than one single woman out there.And you have a chance.

LegacyUser

thanks all alot of good advice there - appreciate it all. I know Im gettin there, it is annoying that the ex is living it up, that women (espec pretty women) can pull anytime they like, beit a asshole or decent bloke we're all suckers for a pretty face, and my ex was a stunner; a shame that the 1st person I loved now hates me; but what can ya do?

So I was in love for a long long time at a young age. foolishly letting my friends,passtimes,sport and to a certain extent family fall by the wayside.

now a little older n wiser, I hope I can balance it all, meet someone else (in time- Im not bothered to rush out to look) and enjoy myself

Cheers

LegacyUser

You summed it up well about an average to good to great looking girl been able to pull another guy after a breakup whilst I always seem to go through a dry spell for months after any long term breakups.

I think women can "read" things like this on a guys face, that we're on the rebound and to avoid for awhile.

All men see with 6/10 upwards women is a good/great face and/or figure and couldnt care less about the baggage that might go with it.

Nalz

Has anyone been through situation similar to this gone to concelling?
was it of benifit?

elexes

eminem kim
kmfdm ultra
metallica
korn
good friends

the above has gotton me past the worst mistakes and worst times of my life . id promote them anytime

DontKnowMuch

Dathai wrote:

I think that you're thinking too much about her being with other people, when that happened to myself, I just thought about myself being with someone, while she was on her own.It sounds horrible but, it made me think that I was doing better in a way.
Trust me man, I was in the same position as yourself, friends here and there, not really close with anyone at all, and feeling like a muppet all the time.But honestly, if you just get out, and think to yourself, "This bitch isnt going to control me anymore" and you show yourself, that you are not a muppet, get with who you can, just feel some happiness with someone.And you will have moved on, it sounds silly, but honestly, when you're with someone else, having a good time, she'll be out of your mind, and more than likely, feeling crap.
Don't let her ruin you, you seem like a great bloke, if you care for yourself, you'll just enjoy your life, hang out with as many mates as you can, it will bridge them back, and they'll be there for you.
Ive been where you are, thinking constantly about that person, not being able to sleep, when you do sleep your dreams contain her, and ylu wake up because of them and think of her again.
Seriously man,this is an oppourtunity to show yourself that you're better than her, and she's an idiot for not being with you.You'll have fun and more than likely, meet someone better than her.After all, you drifted apart from her, she must not have been that special? Think, there's more than one single woman out there.And you have a chance.

Great post mate. What you wrote is the absolute truth.
To the OP : It´s been half a year for me. I still think of her alot, deep down inside I still love her....but you know what ? **** her....you need to get on with your life. Yes, you will suffer alot, you will cry your eyes out, you will see her face everywhere.....but you have to carry on. Concentrate in yourself. Think of this : if you were not the one who ended things, if she wanted to be with you, then she would !!! She problaby is a great, good-looking girl, but you can´t make her the purpose of your life. You were happy before meeting her.....and someday you will look back over your shoulder and think " I loved that girl, everything could have been different, but I did what I did and I am where I am. I can´t change the past. And i will not let this event to dictate the rest of my life".
You were capable of loving someone and someone loved you. And someday, you will find it again, i promise you !!
But for now, concentrate in yourself. You have to go through the grieving period. Cry as musch as you want....someday you won´t care anymore. And I wish the same for myself.

Well, i´m off to my New Year´s Eve Party
Tomorrow,it´s a New Year. We should all promise to ourselves to fight for our happiness in 2006. And that means, letting go of the past...

May we all have an excellent, excellent year. And God bless us all.

LegacyUser

So It’s New Years eve, not goin anywhere tonight – nobody really to head out with. The self-pity hits in again. Had arranged to head off with a mate (prob my best mate known him since I was 12) and his college friends but that idea collapsed, not my doings. Now he’s heading somewhere else with his girlfriend and I was invited but felt like a third weel. Any other mates (if youd even call them that) I managed to salvage are in different counties (some in different countries!).

Myself and another fella that I went to college with went down to Clare to visit another old college mate of ours during the week. He was delighted he saw us. We went out to a club that night. He was fairly drunk and he started asking me questions/giving advice about breakup. He told me I built everything in my life around my ex, that I was wrong to let go of my mates and that he was delighted I was dumped. He went on to say how much he was in love with his girl for over a year now yet he’d never drop his mates. I realize that now but it was so hard to listen to that. Basically I sound like a foolish dickhead that deserves what I got. I agreed with everything he said. I never gave myself any chance to develop really good friendships in college. I got on great with everyone, always had a laughed and generally liked, always willing to help out (was good in early years of college, most of my mates didn’t bother studying so always came to me for help). I classed my ex as bestfriend, as did she. I was so madly in love with her that it was probably doomed from the start. It was so full on and deep and now that its over I just fail to understand it. She really was my own life, apart from the occasional snooker game with my bestmate, or watching the soccer with the lads I really spent ALL my time with this woman.

Lookin at it now, at my phonebook especially as a good indication of my social life and my friendships. Family, 1 best mate, 1 good female friend that pushed me and ex together all those years ago, 2 really good college mates(from the other part of country), other college class mates a few old school friends, people I haven’t seen in years, oh yeah and the local chipper!

My plan is to finish college and get a good job, be myself and hopefully everything else will fall into place…

IvaBigWun

AnonGuy wrote:

Now he’s heading somewhere else with his girlfriend and I was invited but felt like a third weel

Listen - Get off the PC and go.

You're going to go INSANE come 12 otherwise. Seriously - get out of the house tonight. We've all been there, it gets easier. Very very slowly but it does.

Happy new year to ya

Rockee

Jeez I feel so sorry for you. But again Im another 'been there, done that' case. I met a girl from Sweden at a friends wedding in thr Isle Of Man during the summer and I fell head over friggin heels 5 times over. No, shes not blonde hair/blue eyes lads:p I kept in touch with her through emails for a few months, I sensed that things were goin grand. Ive done a good bit of travelling plus I know the area of Sweden shes from so...I decided to bite the bullet and fly over to see what'd happen. Gave up job and band I was in! Mental in retrospect. Anyway, met up, explained how I felt, lived with her, hung out eventually leading to you know what. I was on cloud 9, turns out one day she told me that she'd fallen in love with some guy at her college. I know in that situation...(ie flying 800 miles to a girl I met for 3 days previous) disappointment is a strong possibility but it didnt soften the blow...I was a mess for days after...and this is away from my family and friends in a different country! My mates in Sweden were very good to me though. Im home now but I guess I could tell you that friends and laughing is a great medicine. You're not alone!:D

Dathai

AnonGuy wrote:

He told me I built everything in my life around my ex, that I was wrong to let go of my mates and that he was delighted I was dumped. He went on to say how much he was in love with his girl for over a year now yet he’d never drop his mates. I realize that now but it was so hard to listen to that. Basically I sound like a foolish dickhead that deserves what I got. I agreed with everything he said. I never gave myself any chance to develop really good friendships in college. I got on great with everyone, always had a laughed and generally liked, always willing to help out (was good in early years of college, most of my mates didn’t bother studying so always came to me for help). I classed my ex as bestfriend, as did she. I was so madly in love with her that it was probably doomed from the start. It was so full on and deep and now that its over I just fail to understand it. She really was my own life, apart from the occasional snooker game with my bestmate, or watching the soccer with the lads I really spent ALL my time with this woman.

Thats what Im like at the moment, my friends are all in relationships, we've split apart really, and have gathered new friends, and we find it hard to associate with eachother.As Im still young, of course I'll make new friends here and there, but if Im still with this girl, I'll more than likely spend my time with her.We're currently on a bit of a breather, things havent been going so well, and Im trying to meet up with mates, and sort things out.Its my birthday next sunday, and she said she doesnt want to see me for a while.Im guessing she's going to forget my birthday altogether.
Im doing what I can with mates at the moment, Im trying to get out with them, as its the christmas break from school etc.Hopefully, if myself and the girlfriend do get back together, then I'll have them there.I really am sorry I have neglected them.
I think you should take whatever oppourtunity that comes to hang out with people.They'll understand that things are going very rough for you.
No offence or anything, but, reading your message has really opened my eyes to alot more about myself and how I depend on eachothers.
Thank you, I wish you the best of luck with whatever you choose.

IvaBigWun

Hi AnonGuy: Did you go out? Hope you left the house and went somewhere - anywhere! We've all been there, and you might be there again in a few years - its just part of life

LegacyUser

IvaBigWun wrote:

Hi AnonGuy: Did you go out? Hope you left the house and went somewhere - anywhere! We've all been there, and you might be there again in a few years - its just part of life

Yeah went out. had a good laugh, felt very weird at midnight, wanted to text her but I just stopped myself. but all n all had a good night.

IvaBigWun

AnonGuy wrote:

Yeah went out. had a good laugh, felt very weird at midnight, wanted to text her but I just stopped myself. but all n all had a good night.

Good to hear

ClareBear

Anon guy, I spent all of 2005 heartbroken over my ex. I've been with other guys and even liked a guy (didn't think that would be possible) but that didn't really work out and when it ended I found myself thinking about my ex all the time again. I haven't spoken to him in 10 months (completely his decision, not mine) and hadn't seen him for a while, then 3 days before Christmas I saw him. It hit me hard and I've spent most of Christmas depressed and missing him. But it's a new year and I intend to start again, move on and realise that while I had something amazing with him maybe I can have it again with someone else. And I understand it not helping when your ex is a looker. My ex could have any girl he wants and sometimes I wish he looked like the back of a bus, it'd make life a lot easier. If I could describe my ideal type of man it would be him. I know it's not all about looks but it really makes it harder when you still think your ex is the most attractive person you've ever seen. As for all women being able to switch off....not true. In my case it was the other way around, he's the one that stopped talking to me, he's the one that cut me out of his life and he's the one that apparently doesn't give a shi.t about me anymore. I wouldn't take him back now after the last year I've had because of him but I still love him as much as I hate to admit it. Then again I'm like that, I can't just forget about people I've been close to, whether it's a boyfriend or friend or whoever. I moved to another part of the country for him, left everything for him so that's probably why I'm still bitter. But I'm turning that around now and enjoying where I live now and focusing on the great friends I've made there and the life I've made for myself outside of him.

I was intending on spending New Year's Eve in and not doing anything and being a misery guts but at the last minute I just thought f**k him, he's not thinking of me so why should I waste my time thinking of him. So I went out with my friends and had a fantastic time, said goodbye to 2005 and in my own way said goodbye to him. It's a new year, going to make it a fresh new start. Anon guy I hope you can do the same and get around this. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Oh my God ClareBear, your post was like reading a report on the last few months of my life...really strange but practically a mirror image of my own situation. Like yourself my ex just seemed to totally turn off and even though I hoped that we could remain friends and on speaking terms and he said so too at the time....it didn't turn out that way. Not even a Happy Christmas text even though I sent him one. But like yourself I realised that its a new year and there is somebody better out there...all I have to do is find out where he's hiding!! Anonguy,you will realise the same...there is somebody out there who will treat you better than the way you were treated...we just all have to keep looking!

LegacyUser

I hope so!!

Like others said before I dont want this defining my life.
I became dependant on her company, and her want for me. To be wanted by someone constantly and you wanting to be with them ( all beit unhealthy) is an overwhelming feelin.I was caught up int the whole "I love you forever" thing, fell in love with the idea of being in love - especially with a stunning blonde that I thought had a heart of gold!

I made a complete f**k of myself in front of her, all my friends, classmates and even my family. Embarressing now but got to live with it.

I wouldnt change a thing up to d breakup. I wish her well, and wish she wishes that too but thats about it. Time to move on. I know she has!

Best a luck to everyone and thanks

IvaBigWun

ClareBear wrote:

Anon guy, I spent all of 2005 heartbroken over my ex. I've been with other guys and even liked a guy (didn't think that would be possible) but that didn't really work out and when it ended I found myself thinking about my ex all the time again. I haven't spoken to him in 10 months (completely his decision, not mine) and hadn't seen him for a while, then 3 days before Christmas I saw him. It hit me hard and I've spent most of Christmas depressed and missing him. But it's a new year and I intend to start again, move on and realise that while I had something amazing with him maybe I can have it again with someone else. And I understand it not helping when your ex is a looker. My ex could have any girl he wants and sometimes I wish he looked like the back of a bus, it'd make life a lot easier. If I could describe my ideal type of man it would be him. I know it's not all about looks but it really makes it harder when you still think your ex is the most attractive person you've ever seen. As for all women being able to switch off....not true. In my case it was the other way around, he's the one that stopped talking to me, he's the one that cut me out of his life and he's the one that apparently doesn't give a shi.t about me anymore. I wouldn't take him back now after the last year I've had because of him but I still love him as much as I hate to admit it. Then again I'm like that, I can't just forget about people I've been close to, whether it's a boyfriend or friend or whoever. I moved to another part of the country for him, left everything for him so that's probably why I'm still bitter. But I'm turning that around now and enjoying where I live now and focusing on the great friends I've made there and the life I've made for myself outside of him.

I was intending on spending New Year's Eve in and not doing anything and being a misery guts but at the last minute I just thought f**k him, he's not thinking of me so why should I waste my time thinking of him. So I went out with my friends and had a fantastic time, said goodbye to 2005 and in my own way said goodbye to him. It's a new year, going to make it a fresh new start. Anon guy I hope you can do the same and get around this. Best of luck.

Ouch

Nalz

IvaBigWun wrote:

Ouch

I second that. 2005 was brutal for breakups.

New year now. Lets hope its a better one

OrangeOranges

<<An update on my own situation and a couple of other things to mention>>

Lad imo opinion you’re getting a bit too far into your own head there.

90% of people coming out of a long-term relationship find themselves lacking in the "close" friends department IMO. Try moving to a new city and new job at the same time. Which is exactly what I did!!

I can tell you it was NOT fun!!

At the moment I haven't taken-up new hobbies or joined clubs although might get around to it at some stage. It’s a good way to meet people.
What I did was to get fit and spent money on clothes. To make sure I was confident in my appearance which had admittedly slipped a bit!

IN relation to the friends thing. You will need to be a bit of a third wheel for a bit. Your mates should understand so be a feckin leech!. <fine line tho....>!!!

If anybody you know is heading out or doing something; do it. Even if you’re tired or couldn’t be assed......do it. The onus is on you to make the effort when it comes to friends of friends. At a suitable time in the conversation just slip out, "sure give me a shout if you’re doing anything",

It could be watching match, partying, 5-a-side soccer ......whatever man.

<<Don’t seem desperate either >>

<<ADD new friends to your "forward list" for email is a good way to get in the general list of people knowing each other! >>

What'll you'll find is a couple of things…….. That you will get to know more people and those people will come to rely on you to be out all the time so you get loads of calls.

I'm now in a situation 6 months on where I can pretty much go out with different sets of friends in different parts of the country any weekend.

I can’t stress enough, don’t go too deep into your own head. I nearly did at one stage but refuse to be the one to crack !!. you have only one life to live. Are you going to waste any more time on this one girl? It’s over man ….time to live your life as enjoyable and best you can.

Everyone gets a little psycho after a break-up. I made one mistake and one mistake only. I sent an angry email. Regret it because it didn’t change anything and made me look the desperate or hurt party.

In relation to texting . I wrote her number in a diary at home and deleted it from my phone. So never txt drunk and never txt angry. By the time you get to the diary and take it out you have questioned your motivations and what contact will achieve. The situation has flipped on it’s head and now she is the one texting me the odd time.

At the moment I can safely say I am really loving the single life at the mo and!”probably" wouldn’t be interested in getting back with her.......................

In relation to scoring other people. This is the hardest cos you literally forget the skill to flirting!! I was so crap at it!! Couldn’t even maintain a conversation at the start.

You just need to relax into yourself anon.

My ex was really really hot and could pull any man in a club. So what I did at the start was to have no standards whatsoever.!!!
Go out and pull a minger or something .......just to get back in the saddle so to speak
I did loads of scoring to ease the pain of her kissing someone else.
Now a few months on, the confidence is up and I’m meeting really good looking and class girls with ease. !!

Again I’ll stress; don’t loose your self-dignity dude. No woman wants a desperate sickeningly "in love" clinger man. You need to be the furthest thing from desperate as possible.

To me it sounds like your really struggling by the way. Have you considered consulting your GP or a counsellor?

Just don’t let things slip on yourself.