Have to meet her ex-lovers

LegacyUser

I have to go to a wedding soon and at the wedding will be two guys who my current girlfriend has slept with. They were friends of her brothers (still are) and much older than her. She had a one night stand with one of them and a 4-5 week sexual relationship with the other. It really bothers me and represents a situation that I really dont want to be in but I have to go. I have known her for 2 years. I dont want judgements telling me I'm sad or paranoid or to grow up etc.. The fact is it bothers me and is putting a strain on how I feel about her.

What I need are tips on how to deal with this and not let it bother me. The last thing I want is to go to the wedding and see these guys and see her and realise "what the hell am I doing with this girl?"

Help anyone?

gandalf

Feck it, it happened in her past. I am sure you have ex's or women in your past that you slept with as well. You are with her now and she loves you and thats what's important.

So unless you catch her in a threesome with the two of them at the wedding you should just relax.

(ps if the threesome happens take a few piccies for the PI regulars!)

Nevyn

BAd gandalf you know better.
Consider yourself warned
unhelpful comments and postings will get you banned from this forum
do take time to read the charter.

UnregForThis

You have to remember that they are her rejects.
She rejected them, they weren't good enough to be in a relationship with her, you are.
She has already chosen you over them there is no competition.
If either of them alludes to the fact they 'knew' your girlfriend well then
that just show how much of a loser they are and they have no idea how to behave at something as socially important as someone elses wedding.

I do know for a lot of people out of sight out of mind applies with thier partners perivous sexual conquests but really it seem you have a good honest
relationship with your gf, for she has already told you about them.
It could be worse you could have found out at the wedding.

Are you happy with your relationship as it stands or do you have doubts which are only surfacing in the face of the family wedding ?
Weddings are a right pain and full of all sorts of pressures for everyone not just the imediate family.

Everyone has a past and if coming face to face with it breaks you up then
maybe you weren't as committed to the relationship as you think.
Then again having to be in a room with two people she slept with it a crap
reason to end a good relationship imho.
Well unless they are your parents or siblings...

TCP/IP

mate dont worrry about it we have all had to meet ex's and likewise she will have to meet yours at some stage. enjoy the wedding be good company for your girlfriend and make her reliase that you are better than these guys. Dont be rude if you are introduced to them be friendly and it will all pass after the first half an hour

why would it affect how you feel for her
are you worried these guys are better than you?
or that she might still fancy either of them
or that they were better in bed than you considering it was mostly sexual with them?
You are going there with her, she choose to bring you and you're her long term honey so be a man and ditch the male insecurites

if you cant talk to her about it

super_furry

Seriously, I wouldn't worry about it. The one night stand was obviously just a physical thing with no emotions, while the other one could barely be called a relationship if it was only a month long. Remember, she could probably still be with them if she wanted, but she doesn't.

Lemming

What the others have said. It's in her past. She's not with either of them now for a reason. She has chosen to be with you so I'm sure there's not much to worry about, other than the two of them possibly acting like muppets. Just be polite and talk it easy. If they do try and give you stick, just remind them who she's going home with afterwards

akw_old

gandalf wrote:

(ps if the threesome happens take a few piccies for the PI regulars!)

sharing is caring!

Nevyn

akw
Off topic and unhelpful posts will get you banned from this forum.
Please read the charter for the forum rules.
Thaedydal

Tusky

Thaedydal wrote:

You have to remember that they are her rejects.
She rejected them, they weren't good enough to be in a relationship with her, you are.
She has already chosen you over them there is no competition.

You dont know this, maybe they rejected her ?

gandalf

Thaedydal wrote:

BAd gandalf you know better.
Consider yourself warned
unhelpful comments and postings will get you banned from this forum
do take time to read the charter.
...

Ah the first part of the post was serious, ok the rest was naughty

LegacyUser

I know exactly how you feel OP.
Its the physical act of them having sex that bothers me in relation to any of my gfs exes. The actual thought of his**** in her. It really bothers me, and i do have to put it to the back of my mind , not much with my current gf, but my ex had a pile of her exes in her big 'friend' group, so at parties a few of them were always there - I never usually lasted long at them, and we fought a lot over them.
I thought at first it was just that particular gf, but im sort of the same with my current gf, she only had 2 'sleepers' and they are out of the loop, so im more relaxed.
Conversely, the gf before those 2 only slept with me, and the paranoia that she would want to 'play the fiels' as it were drove me around the twist too.

LegacyUser

She didn't reject them...she was on holidays and had to come home. Thats why the "relationships" ended. No other reason.

cordelia

Your girlfriend didn't come to you straight out of a box. She brings with her experiences and past relationships and all the baggage that everyone over the age of 15 brings with them. As do you. The relationships she has had, whether purely sexual or not, have gotten her to this point in her life. And, in this point in her life, she has chosen you. Not the other men, you.

If it was a situation where she still appeared to have feelings for either one of them I could understand your trepidations. However, this doesn't seem to be the case. It's brave of you to admit that you are having these feelings, but please try to remember that this is in YOUR head, not in hers. She could be just as jealous of the women you've slept with as well.

What I'm trying to say is this: instead of focusing on the men in her past and allow yourself to become obsessed, with all the adjacent strange behaviors that can occupany that, focus on the good thing you've got instead. Focus on your girlfriend and your relationship with her.

She's not comparing you to them, she's comparing them to you. And you were declared the winner. Don't forget that!

vibrant

UnReg, you're going to have to grow up. Your girlfriend has slept with other men, and you're hinting that you think you'll have to break up with her if you don't like them? Get over yourself! That is a really horrible way of thinking, and I suspect that if your girlfriend knew, she might end things with you for being so horribly judgemental and immature.

LegacyUser

Vibrant, if you found out your bf slept with a load of prostitutes before you then you would probably have to be one yourself not to take a second look at your bf and think "****, what type of guy is this?". Thats all I am saying. If they turn out to be seedy assholes I would have to take another look at my gf.

WhiteWashMan

UnregForThis wrote:

I have to go to a wedding soon and at the wedding will be two guys who my current girlfriend has slept with. They were friends of her brothers (still are) and much older than her. She had a one night stand with one of them and a 4-5 week sexual relationship with the other. It really bothers me and represents a situation that I really dont want to be in but I have to go. I have known her for 2 years. I dont want judgements telling me I'm sad or paranoid or to grow up etc.. The fact is it bothers me and is putting a strain on how I feel about her.

What I need are tips on how to deal with this and not let it bother me. The last thing I want is to go to the wedding and see these guys and see her and realise "what the hell am I doing with this girl?"

Help anyone?

why does it bother you?

Dragan

UnregForThis wrote:

I have to go to a wedding soon and at the wedding will be two guys who my current girlfriend has slept with. They were friends of her brothers (still are) and much older than her. She had a one night stand with one of them and a 4-5 week sexual relationship with the other. It really bothers me and represents a situation that I really dont want to be in but I have to go. I have known her for 2 years. I dont want judgements telling me I'm sad or paranoid or to grow up etc.. The fact is it bothers me and is putting a strain on how I feel about her.

What I need are tips on how to deal with this and not let it bother me. The last thing I want is to go to the wedding and see these guys and see her and realise "what the hell am I doing with this girl?"

Help anyone?

Everyone has a past dude, and things happen. I know it can be weird but **** it. Did you sleep with anyone before you met your girlfriend??????

At the end of the day, people meet people, they have fun, or relationships break up and they move on. It's just the way things are. Nothing to worry about, i doubt either of the two lads have thought about it for a while. I don't know that many guys who lie around thinking about past conquests. It's all about the next conquest!

Drazhar

she was on holidays and had to come home

That isnt a breakup lad, sorry to break it to ya.

Dude, you got to tell her how you feel. You say its been two years, she is obviously into you.

I also think, and I know some of the women here will shoot me down for this, but you got to law down the law, now i dont mean tell her "BLAH BLAH, IM NOT GOING, NEITHER ARE YOU"

You have to let her know that your not happy about her exes being there & you dont need her doing anything that will mess you arrive. So if talking to either of these is going to piss her off then you have to say it.

Then you have to throw in something that makes you look a vulnerable "yes I am feeling insecure, but its only because your bloody gorgeous, i love you so much and couldnt stand loosing you" or something like that

I aint trying to be sneaky or anything, cos this is probably exactly how you feel.

So to sum up. tell her, tell her tell her. Dont throw a spaz attack, and if all else fails, bring some laxative and slip it into the exes drinks/food!!!

masteroftherealm

OP: I know exactly how yu feel and its nothing to be ashamed of it can be a horrible feeling thinking of her with them. But talk to her and tll her how you feel and Im sure shell understand. My gorlfriend did.

Thaedydal wrote:

You have to remember that they are her rejects.
She rejected them, they weren't good enough to be in a relationship with her, you are.
She has already chosen you over them there is no competition.
If either of them alludes to the fact they 'knew' your girlfriend well then
that just show how much of a loser they are and they have no idea how to behave at something as socially important as someone elses wedding.

I think this is a brilliant post Thaed I never thought about in relation to my own g/f. Makes me feel a hell of a lot better in fact. Cheers :v:

Lemming wrote:

What the others have said. It's in her past. She's not with either of them now for a reason. She has chosen to be with you so I'm sure there's not much to worry about, other than the two of them possibly acting like muppets. Just be polite and talk it easy. If they do try and give you stick, just remind them who she's going home with afterwards

exactly show them whos shes chosen and let them know that.

vibrant wrote:

UnReg, you're going to have to grow up. Your girlfriend has slept with other men, and you're hinting that you think you'll have to break up with her if you don't like them? Get over yourself! That is a really horrible way of thinking, and I suspect that if your girlfriend knew, she might end things with you for being so horribly judgemental and immature.

You obviously have no notion of how to OP is feeling and as such unhlpful and greatly immature comments from what sounds like a ten year old are not appreciated!!

jonny68

gandalf wrote:

Feck it, it happened in her past. I am sure you have ex's or women in your past that you slept with as well. You are with her now and she loves you and thats what's important.

So unless you catch her in a threesome with the two of them at the wedding you should just relax.

(ps if the threesome happens take a few piccies for the PI regulars!)

Fu*k me your still around:rolleyes: your not being very helpful here (nothings changed eh)

Laguna

Yeah it'd bother me something silly too OP, then again there's nothing you can do about it, the only option available to you if it's too much to bear is to not go to the wedding!

vibrant

Vibrant, if you found out your bf slept with a load of prostitutes before you then you would probably have to be one yourself not to take a second look at your bf and think "****, what type of guy is this?".

It just seems to me you're getting your knickers in a twist over absolutely nothing! Insecurity can breed these sort of feelings, though. Where is the sense in getting hung up on the possibility of the guys being "seedy"? What if the tables are turned and they end up being good looking, intelligent, successful blokes? Would you still feel so insecure ... or would you feel jealous?

And as for the "prostitute" comment, unless your girlfriend's former partners are prostitutes themselves it is completely irrelevant, out of order and unnecessary. May I ask how old you are?

masteroftherealm

vibrant wrote:

It just seems to me you're getting your knickers in a twist over absolutely nothing! Insecurity can breed these sort of feelings, though. Where is the sense in getting hung up on the possibility of the guys being "seedy"? What if the tables are turned and they end up being good looking, intelligent, successful blokes? Would you still feel so insecure ... or would you feel jealous?

And as for the "prostitute" comment, unless your girlfriend's former partners are prostitutes themselves it is completely irrelevant, out of order and unnecessary. May I ask how old you are?

Look mate you dont get it so back the hell off and stop putting the OP down. Read the charter.

SexeeAussie

I think you are being completely unfair and judgemental to your gf by incinuating that she has been a tart or something by sleeping with these guys. They were in her PAST......I would certainly be worried if she had slept with them during the time you and her were an 'item'.... but her past is her past.

Be a MAN about it all and realise that you are going to this wedding as HER partner....She is not with them......Don't be smug, don't be childish about it....just know that you are with her now and be comfortable in that thought.

Don't go making a scene with them or with her. You could potentially make a real goose of yourself if you play the insecure bf role. It's not a good look, or will be appreciated by your gf especially.

Certainly talk to her about your feelings.....get it out there in the open (but don't you dare make her feel 'cheap' cos she has had a past.....if that is a 'bad' past well I am sure that you would be hard pressed finding someone who has an 'angelic' one.) And bloody just go to the wedding and have a great time...drink their champagne, eat their food and have fun.

lazydaisy

OP- Is it that her havinh EXs makes you feel less special or is it an uncomfortable reminder of how replaceable you are? Im not being cheeky, but I do think there is an unnerving element to EXs is that they remind you that the boyfriend/girlfriend is a POST.

My ex was like you and it drove me around the bend. Seriously, the retrospective jealousy trip is futile. You cant change her past. Its there. Accept it and move on.

They are all different people now.

Who cares who rejected who. Things change. Relationships change.

The Sweeper

Op wrote:

Vibrant, if you found out your bf slept with a load of prostitutes before you then you would probably have to be one yourself not to take a second look at your bf and think "****, what type of guy is this?". Thats all I am saying. If they turn out to be seedy assholes I would have to take another look at my gf.

Okay.

First, prostitutes and ex-boyfriends. These are not the same thing. I know this. Because most of my ex-boyfriends aren't trawling the canals and Benburb Streets of Dublin looking for business. (Notice I say "most".)

Second, seedy assholes are another thing entirely.

I've f*cked my share of seedy assholes.

Why?

At the time, perhaps I felt a bit low. Perhaps a seedy asshole was an easy thing to f*ck because he didn't threaten me in any way and just allowed me get my ladyrocks off. Perhaps he treated me well and I felt a bit good about myself. Perhaps he looked good with me. Perhaps I felt important showing him off to my friends. Perhaps he had a big dick. Perhaps he was just convenient. Perhaps I loved him and was shattered when he dumped me. Perhaps I couldn't have cared less but any sex is better than no sex. Perhaps he was minted and I felt good living the high life for a few weeks. Perhaps he was broke and I felt all warm and fuzzy with the idea of nurturing him through his creative years. Perhaps he had a small dick and I felt good making him feel okay about himself. Perhaps I can't remember the size of his dick, or his wallet, or his appearance, because it was a one night stand and I was legless.

Perhaps it's actually none of anybody's business where the hell I was before I was with them? I carry no diseases. I have no children. I have history. If you like history, I recommend you buy a book on it. Mine's not up for debate.

OP there is one really, really important factor here.

This is your problem. It's not your girlfriend's problem.

It is, in a word, none of your goddamned business where your girlfriend's been or who she's been with before you. That was a different time in her life. You weren't on the scene. You didn't overlap. How she's chosen to live her life in the past is part of what makes her the person you know today. If you judge her then you judge her now. And if you're going to judge her now and find her wanting, then you might as well dump her.

Oh - and on the first date you have with the next girl you like, ask her whether or not she's a virgin straight up - it'll save you wasting her time.

This is a complete, total and utter reflection of your own insecurity. These guys are older - maybe they're better looking and/or more successful than you. Maybe you feel threatened by them. The bottom line is that you're unhappy because you're not confident in yourself, not because your girlfriend slept with anybody else. Give the girl a break. She wasn't born thinking about you. She hasn't lived her whole life specifically waiting for you and keeping herself for you.

But she's with you now. If you're going to render that commitment worthless by holding past dalliances against her, then perhaps she's better off without you?

masteroftherealm

My god will people back off. This guy is part of the girls life now and although you may not have as good a relationship as many her past and his past are part of the relationship too, and that has to be addressed.
Its called love. Try it sometime.You'll be amazed how it'll change your outlook.

HashSlinging

whatever you do dont get a mental picture of her giving head. ruins many friendships that.:cool:

SexeeAussie

masteroftherealm wrote:

My god will people back off. This guy is part of the girls life now and although you may not have as good a relationship as many her past and his past are part of the relationship too, and that has to be addressed.
Its called love. Try it sometime.You'll be amazed how it'll change your outlook.

So if you are in LOVE you are allowed to be a jealous insecure psycho......
???

I have been in love and I don't remember needing to question every infinite detail of my lover's past. The OP is torturing himself for NO reason.

LegacyUser

When I read your post, I first though, Jesus, why would she even tell you about sleeping with these guys, life would have been a hell of a lot simpler if she had just kept her mouth shut, afterall, ignorance is bliss.... isn't it?

Would you prefer it fi you didn't know? And you could attend the wedding and be none the wiser?

Or are you glad that you know, that your going to this wedding fully informed?

Have you told your girlfriend all about you past sex life?

The way I see it, she didn't feel like it was anything to be ashamed of, she didn't hide it, she's with you now, and has been for quite a while.

You are one half of a serious long term relationship, are you going to allow your imagination to ruin that for you both?

I know your imagination is probably running riot, but you gotta get it under control!

If you really love this girl, then what happened before you shouldn't matter. It is what has happened since she has been with you.


She had a sex life before you came along? Is this a reason to dump her?

The Sweeper

masteroftherealm wrote:

My god will people back off. This guy is part of the girls life now and although you may not have as good a relationship as many her past and his past are part of the relationship too, and that has to be addressed.
Its called love. Try it sometime.You'll be amazed how it'll change your outlook.

Nope. Love is unconditional.

I think you need to google "judgement".

masteroftherealm

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Nope. Love is unconditional.

I think you need to google "judgement".

I think you need to google 'reality'
Nothing to do with judgement. Hold on Ill get my g/f in here.

The Sweeper

You work away. I'll be very interested to read her stories of her past exploits. Or were there any?

masteroftherealm

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

You work away. I'll be very interested to read her stories of her past exploits. Or were there any?

Oh fcuk off ya 6year old.

tj-music.com

gandalf wrote:

Feck it, it happened in her past. I am sure you have ex's or women in your past that you slept with as well. You are with her now and she loves you and thats what's important.

So unless you catch her in a threesome with the two of them at the wedding you should just relax.

(ps if the threesome happens take a few piccies for the PI regulars!)

Well said!

The Sweeper

masteroftherealm wrote:

Oh fcuk off ya 6year old.

I'll bet you're having a fight with her right now aren't you.

Feeling a little insecure? Who's problem is it? Would that be yours?

masteroftherealm

No shes actually agreeing wot me and laughing at you.

The Sweeper

Good for you. It's nice to laugh in a relationship. It's healthy. Now. How many people has she had sex with before you, and how many people did you have sex with before her?

masteroftherealm

Hmmmm lets see that is soooo much of your business!!

The Sweeper

I'm not that interested actually, except that someone said - oh yeah, that was you - that:

This guy is part of the girls life now and although you may not have as good a relationship as many her past and his past are part of the relationship too, and that has to be addressed.

So have you guys addressed the number of ex-partners you had before each other, worked through that, come out the other side and decided that you don't mind how many people each of you slept with before you started seeing each other?

And if so, how come you're siding with the OP, who apparently associates his girlfriend having ex-boyfriends with some level of prostitution and has serious issues coping with the concept that she was with someone before him?

masteroftherealm

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

I
So have you guys addressed the number of ex-partners you had before each other, worked through that, come out the other side and decided that you don't mind how many people each of you slept with before you started seeing each other?

And if so, how come you're siding with the OP, who apparently associates his girlfriend having ex-boyfriends with some level of prostitution and has serious issues coping with the concept that she was with someone before him?

Yes we have and if youd care to look at my posts you will see that Ive been encouraging him to talk to her about it because it can be a problem if he doent and im sure that if hes a decent guy actually talking about it can solve the probelm? You think that possibily in the "Personal Issues" forum people might be coming looking for help not to get put down....

TheCharter wrote:

Reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner, remember being a Personal Issues board the contents of some threads may be very close to people's hearts.


There is zero tolerance for muppetry here, and trolls etc. will not be treated lightly.

Any advice given should be mature, contructive and non-abusive. Opinions are welcome. Ridicule and nastiness are not.

The Sweeper

masteroftherealm, don't bother quoting the charter at me. I read charters. I find them an integral part of boards.ie.

My posts are my opinion. I'm not ridiculing the OP.

You have been in the same position the OP is. E.g. you think "it can be a horrible feeling thinking of her with them".

I have a pretty good idea what the OP is feeling.

Insecure.

Insecure, jealous, uncertain, threatened and self-conscious. It's the only reason that it's horrible thinking of your partner with someone else.

You spoke to your girlfriend and worked through your issues. But you're so blinded by how bad you felt and how you rectified your problem that you're failing to see some of the things about the OP's posts. Let me collate them:

The last thing I want is to go to the wedding and see these guys and see her and realise "what the hell am I doing with this girl?"

She didn't reject them...she was on holidays and had to come home. Thats why the "relationships" ended. No other reason.

Vibrant, if you found out your bf slept with a load of prostitutes before you then you would probably have to be one yourself not to take a second look at your bf and think "****, what type of guy is this?". Thats all I am saying. If they turn out to be seedy assholes I would have to take another look at my gf.

The OP has judged, sentenced and executed his girlfriend already. Look at his posts!! 'What am I doing with this girl, she didn't reject them - no other reason for the break-up, prostitues, seedy assholes, take another look at my girlfriend..."

Do you really believe that this guy's gal is going to be able to say anything to help him cope? Or that he'll believe anything she says?

Hence my point - this is his problem, not hers. This wasn't a post saying "I'm a bit nervous about meeting some of my girlfriend's past lovers, what should I do". This was a post basically saying "I'm afraid my girlfriend may be a skanky ho because she doesn't meet with a set of undefined criteria that I haven't decided on fully yet, with the exception of the rule that whatever she's done in her life I have to be comfortable with it".

The OP needs to take a damn long look at his own feelings before he starts laying the onus on his girlfriend to make him feel better. This isn't her problem. She can't "un-be". He's got to figure out what the hell it is that's making him so vastly defensive and unpleasant, instead of laying the responsibility for resolving this at her feet.

masteroftherealm

Yes the mere mention of the words but thats the poast I love you now can make all the difference in a situation like this! And as for this is his problem not hers its called a relationship and you resolve things together no?
Sorry just I think your opinion of the OP is extremely misplaced and your words to him are noether helpful nor encouraging.

The Sweeper

I just don't think "that's the past I love you now" will ring true to the OP.

I do have a poor opinion of the OP based on what I see as his vastly self-centred posts. Here's a question - whose wedding are they going to?

Is it someone on "her side" as opposed to someone he knows? One would assume so because friends of her brother will be there. His girlfriend is probably so focused on the upcoming nuptials that she has no idea that her boyfriend is winding himself up into a bitter little heap over the notion she slept with someone who he's going to meet.

Can you imagine what it'll be like for her if he comes out with his queries about her past the way he appears likely to, given the tone of his posts? Better again, perhaps he'll just have a public fight and call her names on the day!! (In which case I agree with you, it's better he talk it out first.)

My problem with the OP is I feel his perception of this problem is one-sided, e.g. it's his girlfriend's fault for having a past and poor him for having to learn to cope with it. I have little patience for such self-indulgent pity-mongering.

masteroftherealm

Heh its your opinion but think outside the box maybe for two seconds that you DO NOT know how she will react. Maybe she will react ine way or the other but safer and a hell f a lot better for the relationship for him to confront the issue noe.

Laguna

I think it's time Masteroftherealm & Minesajackdaniels entered

THE THUNDERDOME

amp

Wow, Majd's quest to supress expression of angst still continues! I'd also slag off the "Nerd God" but well... look at his posts. It's just... too.. too easy.

LegacyUser

To the OP -
How come she slept with 2 guys who are friends of your brother? On holiday?
This is important to see how attached she was to them, as you said she came home and left one of them. Seems strange that she bedded 2 of them on holiday.....

The Sweeper

samehere wrote:

To the OP -
How come she slept with 2 guys who are friends of your brother?

Possibly because she wanted to?

samehere wrote:

On holiday?

Or not?

samehere wrote:

This is important to see how attached she was to them, as you said she came home and left one of them.

This could be true, holiday romances notorious for cooling when the holiday ends.

samehere wrote:

Seems strange that she bedded 2 of them on holiday.....

Strange how?

amp wrote:

stuff

I thought you never come near this board to post in any way, shape or form?

Gordon

masteroftherealm wrote:

Oh fcuk off ya 6year old.

banned

Back on topic.

Oh, and why the hell was the mention of prostitutes brought up?!