don't want a relationship,don't want to be an a**hole

LegacyUser

Howdy.

I'm a 33 year old guy. I'm about 6 months out of a longish relationship (3 years). I haven't seen/been with anyone since the breakup, have kind of been trying to avoid it. Now I'm kind of wondering about dipping my toe in the water again, but I don't feel open/ready for a serious relationship again yet.

I've never been much good at one night stands, am more of your serial monogamist. I guess I'd just like to meet a few women again, but I don't want to mess anyone around, so I'm wondering whether to be upfront from the very start (which may be very presumptuous, the other person might have no interest that way either) or to just let things happen gradually and if things look like getting more serious to let the person know where I'm at. Problem is I've done this before and the other person was hoping for more and was very hurt.

I'm sure there are women who are in the same position- dunno, perhaps I'm being naive. Bottom line, I'm trying to do the right thing, and don't want to hurt anyone, so if it means staying on my ownio for a while longer so be it. Am interested in any genuine opinions (not flames)-mainly curious about a female perspective. Ta muchly

LegacyUser

Well, Im the same age as you and it feels like I just came out of 5 year relationship even though it ended over 6 months ago.

I'm in a very silimar situation as you... don't want to be tied down and dont want to have to answer to anyone, but at the same time, I know that sometimes you can be led in directions that you may not have initially wanted to go, so you can dip your tow in but if there's an undertow there's no telling what depths you may find yourself swimming in or indeed drowning in. So, for me, Im staying clear out of the water. Also- I find the end it when it starts getting serious approach kind of superficial and pointless, so I just don't start anything.

What exactly are you looking for? Sexual gratification? Moderate companionship? At what point do you decide its too serious to continue? What signals you that tells you its time to end it?

BeardyGit

Be very wary of categorising yourself as an arsehole here. Most of us have come out of a relationship a little worse for wear. You'll take a bit of time to properly readjust to the life of a single man. But that doesn't make you some sort of super-player man-slut. You're just a single bloke getting back out there and as long as you don't treat the women you meet like trash you'll be okay I'm sure.

Not every girl you meet out and about will want to wed you just because she's showing some interest but even those just looking for a casual 'relationship' will run if they hear the wheels on your baggage buzzing like some sort of sad sack soundtrack. Go out and have some fun - Be honest (but not brutal) and that way you can't be blamed for leading a girl along. But don't pigeon hole yourself as this single guy who doesn't want to be in a relationship. You probably already know this but you meet great partners when you least expect it - Don't let a forced attitude disguise them when they come along. I know a great couple who met when they both thought they were having a one night stand. They're together years now, house, animals and all the trimmings.....

So keep an open mind and don't close any doors.....

Gil

Nevyn

Welcome to the wornderfull world of dating.
It has always baffled me that people go on a few dates and suddenly they think
the are in an exclusive relationship and has a future, baggage and goals.
There is nothing wrong in going out and dating someone or even more then
one person at a time as along as they know it is just dating and your not intrested in a serious relationship but want some one to have many types of fun with.

Life is to be lived, be straight with those you meet or take on a few dates and
remember to protect yourself and use condoms.

secret_squirrel

I was going to flippantly suggest the first two posters meet up! Being scared of the PI mods I didnt.

BUT having said that - finding people that are in the same headspace and who have gone through similar things in similar timescales can be very useful. Not necessaryily for dating purposes but more as like a mini help group. And having 2 people who can listen to that sad sack baggage stuff (nice phrase gil).

So there we go absolutely no advice on the original problem but a vague suggestion that talking to other people in the same boat might be very very useful. Sorry!

lazydaisy

Yes Thaeedyal, what you say seems very sensible and good advice too. Date lots of people and dont get too attached to any of them. Be safe and honest and enjoy your life. I think I'll try that out. Thanks Thaedyal.

AnonymousBloke

couldn't seem to post so have registered..

Thanks for all the considered replies.

Hmm, I take the point about dating. It seems to me though (granted I am probably a bit out of the loop on this these days) that it's not a very familiar concept in Ireland. In the States it's perhaps to the other extreme, where the boundaries of dating/friendship/relationship are almost too clearly defined. But dating seems a useful concept for what I'm talking about. Do people 'date' in Ireland/Dublin?

I guess what I'm kind of looking for is just to hang with a few like minded souls of the opposite sex. I'm not desperate for female contact, and am pretty content with life. I'm not that concerned about sexual gratification (nice 'n' all as it is ), if I was I guess I wouldn't be having these qualms about investigating what's out there.

Perhaps I'm just a bit old school- as a friend of mine has said about me 'you don't have to marry everyone you like'. I'm not looking to have lots of conquests, but I just kind of know I'm not quite in the space to think about the big r word yet. I don't feel like I have a ton of baggage, just need to chill for a while and continue getting used to my own life again, yet am interested in starting to consider meeting people in a light way.

re when do you know it's getting serious? I guess it's when one or other person is thinking 'if this ended tomorrow I'd be hurt'. And I suppose that's what I'm trying to avoid. On the other hand, maybe I'm assuming people, myself included, are not actually as resilient as they are.

SexeeAussie

Hey there....

I would suggest getting on a net singles site....(this is coming from an Aussie who ONLY knows Oz sites tho).

There are a HUGE amount of people on these sites who are in the same boat as you (and as I was). I have sort of been in the same situation as you...although I am now in a position to say I don't want the casual thing, I want the real deal (after a long time of ummm well how can I say cheap shags)

I am 31....have had my life experiences.....now have my eyes completely wide open to what is around.....

I am not sure about Ireland, but in Canberra, Aust, going out to bars and clubs etc is just depressing.....there are soo many young people there, makes you feel sick!


Don't discount the net dating scene........

Trust me, I can't say too much right now, but love comes and bites you on the ass when you least expect it!!!!

Nevyn

unreggied postings have to be approved my a PI mod before they appear in the threads.

It can be pretty clear what is dating and what is getting entangled in someones life.
Dating is meeting up having fun going out, ocassionally staying in, lots of options.
Entanglement meeting thier family, expected to go family functions, expected to
'be' there and expected to be exclusive.

Net dating site may be seens as werid but you can get to learn a fair bit about a person with out ever meeting them and thier friends.

But it sounds more like that you are missing a group of friends to have fun with
then a desire to date.
A lot of people when thier relationship get serious let go and loose friends
due to varing factors and when they are no longer in that relationship find
they have no one to go the pictures with, or bowling or to a gig.

AnonymousBloke

interesting..thanks

I'm not missing the company of folks to go out and do stuff with, have plenty of friends for that. Just am considering testing the waters a little, without messing anyone around.

The online thing sounds interesting. I've shied away from it, it seemed a bit seamy, but maybe I'm being old fashioned.

Nevyn

There is a difference between dating sites and pick upsites just make sure you can tell the difference.

AnonymousBloke

Thaedydal wrote:

There is a difference between dating sites and pick upsites just make sure you can tell the difference.

How do you tell the difference? I honestly have no idea.

LegacyUser

Gil Dub said

"I know a great couple who met when they both thought they were having a one night stand. They're together years now, house, animals and all the trimmings....."

THAT is exactly what Im afraid of! Where the genitals go the heart follows followed by the lease or the mortgage. LOL. Agh!!!!!!! Let me run screaming now.

Ive been considering going for a guy I know who is a commitment phobe like me, that way there are checks and balances on both sides! It couldn't possible go very far.

Anonymous bloke- you dont sound like an asshole. You just have to be clear from the beginning with people where your head is at. Hurt may be unavoidable. That doesnt make you an asshole. Its just human stuff where people have different expectations. [Sex can set up expectations so you have to be careful there]. In your OP the girl got hurt even though that is exactly what you were trying to avoid. Maybe preempt it by saying you're not ready for anything exclusive.

AnonymousBloke

anonymouschick wrote:

Gil Dub said

"I know a great couple who met when they both thought they were having a one night stand. They're together years now, house, animals and all the trimmings....."

THAT is exactly what Im afraid of! Where the genitals go the heart follows followed by the lease or the mortgage. LOL. Agh!!!!!!! Let me run screaming now.

Likewise.

anonymouschick wrote:

Gil Dub said
Its just human stuff where people have different expectations. [Sex can set up expectations so you have to be careful there]. In your OP the girl got hurt even though that is exactly what you were trying to avoid. Maybe preempt it by saying you're not ready for anything exclusive.

I did, I think the second or third time we met. All got quite complicated after that.