Do girls really get put off by over-interested guys? Serious question

LegacyUser

I'll try keep this brief.

So i met a really nice girl at a dinner party (we're both 19, the dinner was just an excuse to have a laugh and a few glasses of wine) and we got on great. We talked for ages and got on great. We slept in the same bed that night but i didn't make any move cause i was quite drunk and didn't want to do anything stupid and screw things up. Anyway the next day i heard from her friend that she really liked me.

This was good cause i obviously liked her too. I texted her over the nest few days, just casual stuff.

She came out with a few friends from the dinner party to a collge night in town and we ended up scoring. I found out she lived on the same road as me, kinda wierd but not a problem i don't think. We chared a taxi and scored again outside her house for a while.

That was wed night.. Thursday didn't really text her but saw her friday morning and suggested we go see a movie that night. She seemed genuinely interested so i thought all was good.

Anyways later that day my good friend, who is going out with one of this girl's best friends texted me. Basically he said that he heard that i seemed too keen (through the obvious line of people) and that this girl wasn't really sure about it all. I was fairly supprised considering she seemed up for goin to the cinema.

So at the cinmea i didn't really make any moves at all, we just talked and had a laugh, bit flirty but advances of any kind, we didn't even hold hands. getting out of the car later as i was dropping her home she said she had a great time and that we should do it again.

Sorry this is way long,

random texts the next few days etc etc. sat night i was out with friends, one of which met one of this girl's friends. This morning goin into college, he told me the same thing as my first friend. i seemed to eager according to the friend.

So what's the story? Do girls really get freaked out when i guy seems too interested? What am i doing wrong? I really don't want to mess things up cause i really like her.

Thanks a sorry for long post.

AARRRGH

To answer your question: yes!

It's a sad human trait, people valuing things which seem "hard to get".

It works both ways though. I know lots of guys (me included, sadly) who have gotten a bit disturbed by a girl who seems "too interested".

Gordon

Have you considered the possibility that your friends are not telling you the truth?

LegacyUser

in a twist wrote:

So what's the story? Do girls really get freaked out when i guy seems too interested? What am i doing wrong? I really don't want to mess things up cause i really like her.

The short answer is, YES, girls do get a bit turned off if the guy seems too eager. I can't see anything wrong with your behaviour based on what you have posted though. It all seems fairly nicely paced, but we would have to get her perspective on events.
It is stupid really, but my friends have fancied lads in the past, and as soon as the lad lays the cards on the table and recipricates, the girls loose all interest. The challenge, or the chase, is gone.

I am not saying its right, but unfortunaely, in a lot of cases, thats just how it is.

honru

Yup. Like dublindude stated, it doesn't apply solely to women, but men will also get turned off if someone is too eager/clingy.

Picture it this way. If a girl rang, texted you constantly and/or asked you to go out with her every second night, how would you feel?

LegacyUser

so the patience of Job will be needed then wish me luck

btw of course i've considered it, why would they lie though, both have girlfriends and the first guy's girlfriend found out first-hand so i do believe them.

and you're all 100% right, never thought of it that way. thanks a lot.

jonny68

Id have to say yes,initially it might not be like that but after a while if your too much of a nice guy it will be your downfall with birds as i have found out in the past but im a lot wiser now

LegacyUser

u mean i gotta piss her off? doesn't sound clever to me.

i hope it's worth the wait

paul666

maybe she is saying that to her friends as not too seem too eager herself (does that make sense)

LegacyUser

paul666 wrote:

maybe she is saying that to her friends as not too seem too eager herself (does that make sense)

yeah i guess it does. Maybe ur right, that's another possibility.

Exar Khun

my buddy wasin the same position and i gave the same advice, freeze her out!
*puts on best german accent* "random girl, 1 week in the cooler"

BeardyGit

paul666 wrote:

maybe she is saying that to her friends as not too seem too eager herself (does that make sense)

Makes a fair amount of sense to me Paul. I've quite a few girl & guy friends who do the same thing. It's an easy way to avoid a bit of a ribbing from everyone else and constant questions about how it's all going with the new guy. She could very easily be playing it safe and hedging her bets - You might be wise to do the same to a certain degree. Just don't be too laid back about the whole thing...."For now, you're having a bit of a laugh and enjoying her company....But it's not serious as far as you know" kind of approach

Gil

Laguna

This subject has always puzzled me...


If you show little interest (as to appear not to keen), the girl will come to the conclusion you're a bastard and then decide all men are bastards

If you show a lot of interest, the girl will come to the conclusion you're only after one thing and then decide all men are bastards

LegacyUser

yeah you migh be exactly right cause she kinda seem slike that kinda girl. I don't think she's ben with many guys cause she's a crap kisser but maybe that doesn't mean anything. And i doubt she'd be out tellin everyone every little detail about our dates so yeah sounds better to me.

claireoby

One of my close friends has a new boyfriend that she met only a week and a half ago. He's asked her out on a date everynight since they met and he spends all his time in her flat. He's already introduced her to his dad,and everywhere they go she's introduced by him as "here's my girlfriend". She's very flattered by it all but I think he's comin across as desperate and too eager. Its easily done. Back off--let her make a move if she wants to. If she likes you, she will text or ring you. This is coming from a girl though that loves guys who play hard to get. More of a challenge. Getting the fella then is all the sweeter.

MrSinn

I didnt want to seem to interested once,so i texted her 2 days later and she replyed by telling me to get lost,if you liked me you would have txted me yesterday,but it all worked out in the end...she texted me at 4 in the morning about 2 weeks later and said sorry and wanted to meet but i never heard from her again after that.

Read the book Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.
I wanna go to pluto

Mickah

Next time you're all out in a big group, try and get chatting to another available bird. Keep an eye on your beauty and if she keeps on checking how you're getting on. Game on!

Just be careful not to chat too long! Otherwise it's...

Well that's great, that's just ****in' great man. Now what the **** are we supposed to do? We're in some real pretty **** now man... That's it man, game over man, game over! What the **** are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?

- Hudson from Aliens 2. Fookin love that quote.

in_a_twist

i love this place that's fantastic advice! i think i might be seeing her (as in we're both goin out to the same place) this week so i'll try that.

nice one mick

sideFX

f®eak s&#169 wrote: »

Yup. Like dublindude stated, it doesn't apply solely to women, but men will also get turned off if someone is too eager/clingy.

Picture it this way. If a girl rang, texted you constantly and/or asked you to go out with her every second night, how would you feel?

It's true for both. Girls are always hounding me

Nevyn

Laguna such sweeping statements are unhelpful.
Unhelpful postings will get you banned.


in a twist at this stage your only just started dating this girl,
have you even bothered to tell her that you are intrested and want to
date her / see her twice a week and maybe you would want to date her
exclusively.

Rring her up, go for coffee and tell her you want to try to have a relationship
with her with out getting to serious too soon.

lazydaisy

The trick is to lay on a lot of attention and then withdraw and be unavailable.

Girls like attention but also need space. Its a delicate dance, admitedly.

Most importantly you need to OWN your interest, you cant come off as insecure or unsure. That will just make her feel more desired and women like that.

I know women who wont talk to you ever again if they don't hear from you for over 36-48 hours or so. They take it as a sign that you're a messer. As far as women are concerned its the guys burden to show he's serious and not messing her about. Because we get messed about alot!

sideFX

lazydaisy wrote:

I know women who wont talk to you ever again if they don't hear from you for over 36-48 hours or so. They take it as a sign that you're a messer. As far as women are concerned its the guys burden to show he's serious and not messing her about. Because we get messed about alot!

Nice one! I must remember that. I always try leave a 3 day gap, hoping enough time to miss me and not enough time to forget me, if ye know wha I mean. Doesn't always work tho. 70/30 i'd say.

What's a good balance?

honru

sideFX wrote:

Nice one! I must remember that. I always try leave a 3 day gap, hoping enough time to miss me and not enough time to forget me, if ye know wha I mean. Doesn't always work tho. 70/30 i'd say.

What's a good balance?

Well, you'd want to still be fresh in her memory so three days is a bit long in that regard and she might have lost interest. Best to get in touch with her the following day.

After the first get-together, you can then begin to contact her sparingly and all that hoopla.

DAEDULUS

its not being too interested thats the problem,she probably sees it as needy..and probably thinks you have nothing better to do with your time,and thats not attractive

dundalk cailin

yup i myself fall into that cliche of liking guys who play hard-to-get...then when they show interest i get put off...cant win really *sigh*

LegacyUser

To be honest, those games just wreck my head. Why make life more complicated than it is? I usually take things nice & slow and if I like someone & I think they like me, then just go ahead & tell them.

If they want to play little childish dating games then I'm out of there. 'Playing hard to get' seems incredibly dumb.

It all reinforces this fake "men are from mars, women from venus" division of the sexes that people like to reinforce. The more relationships I have the more I realise men and women are actually very, very alike.

Anyone who likens the mating game to a hunt or a chase really needs to grow up. I'd think we've evolved beyond that a bit.

LegacyUser

whatthehell7 wrote:

To be honest, those games just wreck my head. Why make life more complicated than it is? I usually take things nice & slow and if I like someone & I think they like me, then just go ahead & tell them.

If they want to play little childish dating games then I'm out of there. 'Playing hard to get' seems incredibly dumb.

It all reinforces this fake "men are from mars, women from venus" division of the sexes that people like to reinforce. The more relationships I have the more I realise men and women are actually very, very alike.

Anyone who likens the mating game to a hunt or a chase really needs to grow up. I'd think we've evolved beyond that a bit.

I'm sorry but I just don't agree with huge parts of this. I'm in the same boat as you in terms of taking it slow for a while seeing how you feel about each other but the advise you're giving the op seems to contradict this. I know what your saying should make sense and you should be able to talk maturely about it, but this early in a possible relationship it just doesn't work that way. I don't know of any girl who wouldn't get freaked out if a guy did as you suggested. It's like suggesteing that you should go up to someone in a pub and say I want to have a realtionship with you(ok I'm taking that to the extreme but you get my meaning). I am completely not into playing games and I have had a number of long term relationships(3, 2+ years) and in the start of arelationship, it's invariably about flirting, guessing, suggestion. To me saying that you want to be "part of a relationship" after a couple of nights out is ridiculous.


Just my opinion, I've never registered a username in case you think I'm worried about gettign banned.


I think the op should "take her handy" so to speak, just see how it works out. Maybe give her an odd text/ring but leave it up to her about making suggestions about meeting up. That said I don't think he should live by any "rules" as such, just go with the flow and you'll be grand, don't worry about what your friends are saying, just take it on board that it's a possiblity if you go on too strong she might get disinterested.

My experience of the female of the species(and half the men to be honest) is that they mull things over and over in their head too much. When she is actually with you she probably doesn't even think you're coming on too eagerly.

in_a_twist

thanks, advice man that makes a lot of sense. I agree with you mostly.

I'll see how it goes.

katiegordon

girls and most likely guys, im not sure, are wierd like that!Its annoying.Even if you meet the nicest guy and hes crazy about you,its a turn off.As soon as he gets tired of seeing his feelings arent reciprocated and goes off me, im like oh my god why didnt i like him, i wish i had another chance!!It sucks.

daRobot

Just play the game properly and it'll work out.

Push-pull-push-pull

Don't stop being a challenge. Keep the romantic/sexual tension going. At appropriate times, you should gently take the piss out of her, disagree with her, etc.

Once there is no sexual tension, the interaction becomes boring for her.

Hence why the nice guy loses.

EvilPixieOne

It's nice to be nice to her, but make sure you keep talking to other girls, it reminds her that you're desirable, and is the best way to keep her liking you

musing

Play it cool..
Show me a girl who doesn't like an ass and I will show u a liar:D

in_a_twist

musing wrote:

Play it cool..
Show me a girl who doesn't like an ass and I will show u a liar:D

lol i like that one

jonny68

dundalk cailin wrote:

yup i myself fall into that cliche of liking guys who play hard-to-get...then when they show interest i get put off...cant win really *sigh*

I can never understand why birds are like this..suppose it's in the genes as they say

sideFX

f®eak s&#169 wrote: »

Well, you'd want to still be fresh in her memory so three days is a bit long in that regard and she might have lost interest. Best to get in touch with her the following day.

After the first get-together, you can then begin to contact her sparingly and all that hoopla.

Next day is a bit soon imo. Here's one tho I never thought of or was told untill recently.

When ur talking to a girl ur dating, seeing or interested in, on the phone. When you make her laugh quickly make an excuse to go. That way you leave her smiling with a happy thought of ye. Dunno tho, she might just be annoyed ye hung up

Laguna

jonny68 wrote:

I can never understand why birds are like this..suppose it's in the genes as they say

I can't understand why we're supposed to play by these stupid 'rules' when we're interested in someone, for example don't ring for 48 hours, play hard to get even if you don't want to, treat them mean to keep them keen?... wtf?!, have we become so ****ed up by the society we live in we have to go through all this bull**** pretence to start having a relationship with someone?, when animals go to find a mate, do they play the hard to get routine?, not communicate with a potential mate for 48hrs to add an air of mystery and keep them guessing?, try and make their potential mate jealous by hanging around with another animal?

sideFX wrote:

When ur talking to a girl ur dating, seeing or interested in, on the phone. When you make her laugh quickly make an excuse to go. That way you leave her smiling with a happy thought of ye. Dunno tho, she might just be annoyed ye hung up

What's the point of that?, who invented dating practices like this?, people who stay bachelors?. Maybe I'm just 'old school', if I like a girl - I tell her, if they start to show signs of 'playing the game', they're immature and I move on.

AARRRGH

The fact is, for some reason humans DO react to these stupid rules, so there must be some deep reason for it.

Best to play it safe and not be over keen.

honru

sideFX wrote:

Next day is a bit soon imo.

Just do whatever works best for you.

Laguna wrote:

I can't understand why we're supposed to play by these stupid 'rules' when we're interested in someone, for example don't ring for 48 hours, play hard to get even if you don't want to, treat them mean to keep them keen?... wtf?!

It simply amplifies the attraction. With regards to your first two examples, the rarer something is, the higher in value we percieve. If someone or something is not readily available, then they become more desirable.

Laguna wrote:

when animals go to find a mate, do they play the hard to get routine?, not communicate with a potential mate for 48hrs to add an air of mystery and keep them guessing?, try and make their potential mate jealous by hanging around with another animal?

No, but they do do a mating dance in order to impress possible mates.

Do humans have a mating dance?

AARRRGH

f®eak s&#169 wrote: »

No, but they do do a mating dance in order to impress possible mates.

Do humans have a mating dance?

We sure do. Why do girls love dancing in bars?

Laguna

dublindude wrote:

Why do girls love dancing in bars?

To make other girls envious/jealous. Not to attract men.

AARRRGH

Laguna wrote:

To make other girls envious/jealous. Not to attract men.

Yes, possibly.

There is defo something very primitive about it alright!

simu

Laguna wrote:

To make other girls envious/jealous. Not to attract men.

Oh, and there was me thinking it was for fun.

Laguna

simu wrote:

Oh, and there was me thinking it was for fun.

Maybe it is, but that still supports my theory that girls dancing in nightclubs are not demonstrating a

f®eak s&#169 wrote: »

mating dance

lazydaisy

Dancing is all about sex... come on we all know that!

Laguna -What do you mean girls dance to make other girls jealous? Jealous of what?

Yeah, these stupid infuritating games. Peekaboo for grownups. However they must service a purpose, like allowing us to save face if we are rejected? Not playing our hands?

I dont like guys who play hard to get because as far as I'm concerned they are the ones who should be doing the getting and paying attention to me, not the other way around. I dont chase men, ever. Because if I did I'd never know if they like me or if Im just convenient for them. If I dont get enough attention, I get bored and move on. Believe me I am not alone in this regard.

Girls who get put off my guys who are interested in them but liked them when they were aloof belong to this category of crazies with self esteem issues:"I wouldn't join a club that would have me as a member."

AARRRGH

lazydaisy wrote:

I dont like guys who play hard to get because as far as I'm concerned they are the ones who should be doing the getting and paying attention to me, not the other way around. I dont chase men, ever. Because if I did I'd never know if they like me or if Im just convenient for them. If I dont get enough attention, I get bored and move on.

Come on now... That post just made you sound seriously spoilt.

I dont chase men, ever.

Why should a man bother chasing you so? If men used your logic, you'd never meet anyone, ever.

Laguna

lazydaisy wrote:

Laguna -What do you mean girls dance to make other girls jealous? Jealous of what?

I've often asked female friends of mine if the reason they put on the nice clothes and the makeup and do the provocative dancing when they go out was to attract men, most of the girls said no, they said that they did it for a bit of fun, however two female friends of mine gave me a different insight, they told me that they like the attention the receive from other women as result of looking great (i.e. the jealousy factor of other girls, the looks of disdain from some girls in a club would prove to them they looked better than they did or more simply, the compliments they would receive from other girls). I've seen it on occasion myself, when a girl is in the provocative dancing mode (e.g. dancing wildly at the bar/on the table), the nasty glares they get from other girls, the comments that are said (slut, slapper etc.) and I see the girl who is dancing notice these girls saying these things/glaring and loving that they get up their noses.

Now I'm well aware this isn't gospel and that some girls go to nightclubs to have fun etc., what I'm saying is that I think a lot of girls dance/dress up to gauge a reaction from other women (be it jealousy or a compliment), not men. This is not to be construed as an insult BTW.

AARRRGH

I think a lot of women live in denial of how much men control them though (ever watch "Sex in the City"??) I've heard this "I make myself look pretty for other girls" thing from women many times, but I really don't (completely) buy it.

I hope it's not true anyway

lazydaisy

DD- Yeah it does make me sound spoilt. I'll reciprocate and signal, but really I don't like to chase. I'm not exactly a high maintenance tiara bearer so I think I may have exaggerated a bit there.

Women are in denial about how much they let men control them. Sex & the City - just ridiculous. Dont get me started.

Laguna the scene you describe about dancing so exhibitionistically, I can see how that would offend Irish women, because Irish people really despise show offs in general. But what you describe does sound like an attempt to dominate - as in scene stealing, where they are directing the gaze toward one direction, themselves. How sad really, that these inferiority complexes get showcased like that. Whats weird about it is that in performance you usually want to please your audience but these women want to annoy them. Is that passive aggressive dancing?

Its true - women dress for other women. Because if other women like what you are wearing than you know you've done a good job of putting yourself together. Sorry DD.

dundalk cailin

jonny68 wrote:

I can never understand why birds are like this..suppose it's in the genes as they say

i dont understand myself!! i dont know, if i know a guy likes me, there's no thrill really, u know if u click your fingers they'll come running :rolleyes:
if its someone i like, however, and he expresses interest in me after me thinking he didnt like me, thats totally different in my personal experience!!

PeterGriffen

dundalk cailin wrote:

i dont understand myself!! i dont know, if i know a guy likes me, there's no thrill really, u know if u click your fingers they'll come running :rolleyes:
if its someone i like, however, and he expresses interest in me after me thinking he didnt like me, thats totally different in my personal experience!!

Argh. And women say men are impossible to figure out. How is the population of the planet so high when a womans interest level fluctuates all over the place like this?

WhiteWashMan

in a twist wrote:

I'll try keep this brief.

So i met a really nice girl at a dinner party (we're both 19, the dinner was just an excuse to have a laugh and a few glasses of wine) and we got on great. We talked for ages and got on great. We slept in the same bed that night but i didn't make any move cause i was quite drunk and didn't want to do anything stupid and screw things up. Anyway the next day i heard from her friend that she really liked me.

This was good cause i obviously liked her too. I texted her over the nest few days, just casual stuff.

She came out with a few friends from the dinner party to a collge night in town and we ended up scoring. I found out she lived on the same road as me, kinda wierd but not a problem i don't think. We chared a taxi and scored again outside her house for a while.

That was wed night.. Thursday didn't really text her but saw her friday morning and suggested we go see a movie that night. She seemed genuinely interested so i thought all was good.

Anyways later that day my good friend, who is going out with one of this girl's best friends texted me. Basically he said that he heard that i seemed too keen (through the obvious line of people) and that this girl wasn't really sure about it all. I was fairly supprised considering she seemed up for goin to the cinema.

So at the cinmea i didn't really make any moves at all, we just talked and had a laugh, bit flirty but advances of any kind, we didn't even hold hands. getting out of the car later as i was dropping her home she said she had a great time and that we should do it again.

Sorry this is way long,

random texts the next few days etc etc. sat night i was out with friends, one of which met one of this girl's friends. This morning goin into college, he told me the same thing as my first friend. i seemed to eager according to the friend.

So what's the story? Do girls really get freaked out when i guy seems too interested? What am i doing wrong? I really don't want to mess things up cause i really like her.

Thanks a sorry for long post.

as with every answer i seem to give on here these days....

the answer is that there is no answer.

different people appear differently to different people at different stages.

today, if someone appears too keen, then youre not interested. tomorrow, if someone is keen, youd hop on them in an instant.

the fact is that everyone loves getting attention, but everyone also loves having the space to make their own decisions and not be pressurised.

people also say things to different people depending onthe circumstances. she may have said you were too keen and she didnt want to give much away about what she really felt.
who knows.

no one does.

the only thing that will put your mind, and anyone elses mind who is wondering about a boy or a girl or a goat or a tree or whatever it is you fancy, is to talk to them.

thaed gave good advice.
if you like the person, then ask them out for a coffee or something. if they turn you down with a reasonable explaination, believe it or not, it may be true, try and re-arrange.
if you keep getting shot down, then accept it. if she tells you to your face that she isnt interested, take the hint.
but for the love of god, stop wandering around like a moping hound unsure of what she thinks.

we dont know. ask her. she is the only one that can answer it.

there is no general rule for 'girls' or 'boys'.
there is no general rule for people.

the best ever advice i could give anyone is 'people do stuff'.

thats the only generalisation that works with people.