is this considered cheating?

LegacyUser

honest opinions please, folks...

been with the boyfriend for almost two months, he is a sweetheart and i do care a lot for him and i love being with him etc., and when i am with him i wouldn't even think about another guy.

we're both living away from home at college so we both go back home at the weekends, and go out with our mates from home. i've never even thought about going with another guy until last night...

a really nice guy came over to me in the club and started chatting with me. we were talking away fine for ages and then he moved in for a kiss, which had i been single i would have had no problem with, but i pecked him lightly on the lips and pulled away. i didnt say that i was going out with anyone, but just continued on the conversation.

he tried again, maybe once or twice, until i had to say it to him that i was going out with someone. he asked me how it was going and if i was happy with him. i don't know why, but i just bluffed off the question.

he stayed talking to me, we moved to the dancefloor and danced, and if you had been there you'd have just thought we were friends, he respected the fact that i was with someone and didn't try any more moves on me.

at the end of the night he said he knew i was with someone but had really enjoyed the night and asked me for my number. i gave it to him. he waited with me until i found my friends and just gave me a kiss on the cheek. he sent me a text this evening, just saying hey, whats up, blah blah.

i dont know what to do...im mad about my boyfriend and i can't believe i've left myself get into this situation. the thing is though, i am attracted to this other guy and since we weren't kissing, we literally spent the whole time talking. is what im doing wrong? i know its not faithful...im so confused.

Faith

Which one do you prefer? Two months isn't a long time to be going out with someone so it's not going to be the end of the world if you break up with him. In my opinion, you haven't cheated.

Red Alert

no you haven't cheated. just don't be afraid to go for the new guy if he's worth jumping ship.

WhiteWashMan

what2do wrote:

been with the boyfriend for almost two months, he is a sweetheart and i do care a lot for him and i love being with him etc., and when i am with him i wouldn't even think about another guy.

its ok. no one can read your mind

what2do wrote:

a really nice guy came over to me in the club and started chatting with me. we were talking away fine for ages and then he moved in for a kiss, which had i been single i would have had no problem with, but i pecked him lightly on the lips and pulled away. i didnt say that i was going out with anyone, but just continued on the conversation.

you did nothing wrong, and we all like to have someone come and talk to us.
although, is there any reason why you didnt mention you had a boyfriend?
i expect it was becuase you were actually interested in the chap, and thought that by telling him, you wouldnt receieve some flirty attention?

my own thoughts on this (and i have been on both sides of the fence, and in your shoes before) is that i prefer to be up front about it and say im in a relationship. sure its great to get attention, and if a girl is chatting to me, i have no problem in saying that i am with someone. but that also doesnt mean im not an outrageous flirt. although, thats outside this situation

what2do wrote:

he tried again, maybe once or twice, until i had to say it to him that i was going out with someone. he asked me how it was going and if i was happy with him. i don't know why, but i just bluffed off the question.
.

ok, at this stage, he is trying his hand, and is obviously an inexperienced chatter upper

what2do wrote:

i dont know what to do...im mad about my boyfriend and i can't believe i've left myself get into this situation. the thing is though, i am attracted to this other guy and since we weren't kissing, we literally spent the whole time talking. is what im doing wrong? i know its not faithful...im so confused.

youve done nothing wrong.
you dont have to tell people you have a partner
you havent snogged anyone, you havent done the dirt.

the worst that anyone can accuse you off is being flattered at receiving some attentions from a strange man.
you know, there is nothing wrong with that.

so what if you are attracted to him.
you know what, if angelina jolie walked into my local, id be attracted to her! there is nothing wrong with being attracted to other people.

there is no 'faithful'/'unfaithful' debate here.

you did nothing wrong.

you will elarn as you mature that ou will have thoughts about other people, many of them sexual, while you are with other people. everyone of us get it. i used to have a girlfriend who wet herself everytime george clooney came on the tele. i had to listen to her practically moan in extacy everytime ER was on. but geez, its a show on tele, its a fantasy that she, er, 'shared' with me.
is she being unfaithful?
hardly.
wouldnt worry about it.
enjoy being chatted up. just remember that at the end of the day, you are in a relationship, adn therefore that person you are with trusts you and hopefully loves you. and thats probably worth far more than the thrill of a chaep secret once off snog with a some random bloke who bought you a drink or two and told you had beautiful eyes....

Bard

How do you think your "boyfriend" would see it if he knew what happened, "what2do"?

xzanti

OK.... Well you shouldnt have let him kiss you but in your defence you did proceed to tell him you were with someone and you didnt let it go any further... It sounds to me like this was a wake up call for you to tell you how much you care about your partner...

Just learn a lesson from it and dont let it happen again....

And the fact that you felt guilty enough to post about it on here says that you do actually give a f*ck which is more than a some ppl would do after doing a lot worse than what you did...

Just count your blessings that he didnt find out and appreciate how much he means to you..

Good Luck x

BrenC

Well I don't think you cheated but I'd play it out, don't rush into anything, think things true, you obviously still have feelings for your bf so its better to ride it out.

cheekyass

firstly you need to figure out which one you prefer, no "if's" and "buts" but a final decision. if you choose your current b/f then put him in your situation, would you consider it cheating if it were him?

jimmidy_cricket

You're with yerman 2 months and both in college. I presume you met at the begining of college? and you both go home at weekends, your young enjoy yourselves. alot of the "Can't get over him/her" threads in here start off with..."We started going out in college its now 4 years later and we've split up" I'm not saying that all college romances don't last after the college years but suggest to him that when in your home time your a free spirit. When together your together but when you both go home then your both free to chat/flirt/kiss whom ever you want...I wouldn't go further than kissing anyone though, could get awful complicated.

And no you haven't cheated but you wanted to kiss right? so it could happen again, you should be a free agent to let it happen if it arises again.

bp

of course you didnt cheat, we all flirt! people who are in relationships years still flirt with other people....i do it all the time!!!! if it were me i would tell my boyfriend, say he knows the story (about having a boyfriend) and that you are just mates, if he is a jealous type you will find out now, although be warned he may be a bit pissed at first if this other guy texts you while he is in the same room as you!

FoXXy

well no u didnt cheat. if ur worried that ur cheating.. think of how itd be if ur boyfriend was there at the time with u, if he wouldnt b happy, dont do it,
proceed carefully tho cos u cant really get to kno the other guy better unless u keep meetin up wit him n that can get very trikky
good luck tho

Dragan

If you are interested in another guy then you are not as into your boyfriend as you think you are.

Plain and simple is drop one before someone gets hurt and you feel bad about it.

dundalk cailin

u told guy2 the deal and he was still interested in talkin to u, yes he wants more than friendship, but since you's got on well,at least you've made a friend!! but id tell guy1 the story so he's aware, if he's uncomfortable with guy2's presence, then u will need to make a decision!

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

2 months isn't a long time!... I wouldn't consider it cheating but at the same time I understand why your so worried about it.. you obviously like your boyfriend a lot!... At the same time though... don't take things too serious... your still young so try not to worry about things like this!!
... At the end of the day.. Men come and Go.. etc!!... hehe.. I think you should get to know the other guy anyway because if nothing else you will gain a friend!

Love

Wouldn't consider it cheating exactly if you don't let it happen again.;)

You need to decide who you like more. And then tell them. Unless of course your boyfriend is okay with an open relationship and the other guy is too...

Up to you really.

chump

what2do wrote:

.im mad about my boyfriend

I don't believe this for a second.

You certainly didn't cheat but are you actually fooling yourself that you're mad about your boyfriend when your obviously madly attracted to this other lad and really -wanted- to kiss him, but didn't more out of obligation to your current boyo?

AARRRGH

Let's imagine your boyfriend did this exact same thing.

How do you feel about that?

There's your answer if it's cheating or not (in your world, at least.)

Personally, I don't think it's cheating, but it's certainly not nice. If you were my girlfriend and you did this to me, my trust for you would be broken somewhat.

No doubt you'll be posting again in a few weeks after you've slept with this guy.

eth0_

To be blunt, you're a prick tease. If you really were 'mad about my boyfriend', you'd have told this guy as soon as he tried to kiss you 'Listen sorry, I have a boyfriend'.

This guy doesn't want to be friends with you, he wants to f*ck you, and the fact you gave him your number shows that you wouldn't be adverse to this happening.

Maybe you should break up with your boyfriend, imagine he did this to you? You obviously aren't ready for a relationship at the moment.

LegacyUser

jimmidy_cricket wrote:

suggest to him that when in your home time your a free spirit. When together your together but when you both go home then your both free to chat/flirt/kiss whom ever you want...I wouldn't go further than kissing anyone though, could get awful complicated.

um, that kinda defeats the purpose of going out with someone though, doesn't it? i'm not into the whole 'open relationship' thing, you're either with someone or you're not. that's why this is bugging me so much i guess coz i definitely thought that i was 'with' my boyfriend, if you know what i mean. i didn't think that i'd be even interested in anyone else, and i never was until the other night. i mean, other guys have come up to me and i've just given them the cold shoulder, straight off.

bp wrote:

if it were me i would tell my boyfriend, say he knows the story (about having a boyfriend) and that you are just mates, if he is a jealous type you will find out now, although be warned he may be a bit pissed at first if this other guy texts you while he is in the same room as you!

dudalk_cailin wrote:

id tell guy1 the story so he's aware, if he's uncomfortable with guy2's presence, then u will need to make a decision!

oh god, can't see myself telling him. he definitely is the jealous type, on nights out together, if im just standing around in a group or whatever with him and not necessarily acting boyfriend-girlfriendy, he cant stand other guys coming near me, he immediately puts his arm around me or something like that and he always says it to me, kinda half messing/half serious 'oh bein chat up again are you?'

As for my decision, i don't want to break up with my boyfriend. contrary to what this might look like, i only want to be with him. but this has made me think do i really? because i've always believed that if you're with someone, you're with them because you specifically don't want to be with someone else and this whole thing is just confusing me completely and wrecking my head...

chump wrote:

You certainly didn't cheat but are you actually fooling yourself that you're mad about your boyfriend when your obviously madly attracted to this other lad and really -wanted- to kiss him, but didn't more out of obligation to your current boyo?

this is what im beginning to wonder....did i not kiss the guy simply because i couldn't/wouldn't cheat, or was it because of my boyfriend? if it's the former, then i can't believe it, i've never even been tempted before, and nothing's changed, so why would i only not be with someone else just because i wouldn't cheat?


As for if he did the same thing.............i wouldn't be happy....i'd be really hurt that he didn't feel the need to immediately tell her his situation.......

i'm such a b*tch. i can't believe i did this and got into this situation.

passive

I was in a similar (but more drawn out) position about a year ago involving being in a relationship and "not quite but nearly" cheating with someone else (kisses on the cheek with intent etc)... what happened to you, as an isolated incident, is forgivable... Being in relationship doesn't mean you'll never consider anything else.. it just means you won't act upon it. I don't think most relationships are as perfect as you think you're obliged to be (never even LOOKING at another person)

That said i think kissing on the lips is most definitely over the line..but... if you you kept your mouth closed, want the relationship, and won't let it happen again til you're free and single then i don't think it'd be worth the pain and upset of telling him and risking everything...

so... overall
-this doesn't mean you're a bad person/girlfriend.. you just weren't thinking and let something stupid happen, but you didn't actively participate so it's a lesson rather than a crime
-If you want to stay with your boy then let this go and move on!

(regarding my own experience with this; i posted here as "prick", if anyone remembers, and i ended up cheating unambiguously on the girl i was with, which is bad on principle and not something i condone, and have been happily with girl B for the past 13 months... so i'm not sure what i'm saying really...)

edit: regarding the last bit of your most recent post; I really think that people are capable of wanting other things and only not taking them because it's against the rules or whatever.. Like.. you can love somebody but have an intent-free interest in somebody else (something you WOULD act upon in different circumstance but WON'T as things currently stand and you have no intention of changing your situation to accomodate that idle fancy)
.. Though i dunno.. i sometimes wonder if idle interests aren't a huge problem and if cheating in your head is as bad...oh...i'm not helping...****...sorry...

jimmidy_cricket

passive wrote:

.. Though i dunno.. i sometimes wonder if idle interests aren't a huge problem and if cheating in your head is as bad...oh...i'm not helping...****...sorry...

Passive sorta has the jist there. The fact that you wanted to kiss this bloke and even handed out your number and have been txting is enough to render your BF furious. Say you found out some girl kissed him, but he said no and gave her his number insteasd, "What the hell did you give her your number for" you'd say as would I and as would many people. So now your realationship has taken a turn and ok you don't agree with me on the open realationship thing but don't knock it till you've tried it. I don't think theres any other option, if you stay together and say nought then its only a matter of time before you fancy someone else...or he goes off with someone

I think eth0 was a bit harsh calling you a prick tease. If you've just started college your prob about 18/19 and don't know any better, its ok, you're allowed make mistakes, so long as you learn from them

Kersh

This subject comes up so often.
All you have to do is imagine your bf being lightly kissed by a nice blonde 36-24-36 girl, and then giving her his mobile number and chatting all night.
Then exchanging texts................
In all honesty you are being a ****.
Imo you shouldn even be chatting to another guy on a night out, cos all that any guy wants on a night out is a ride.... or are you going to tell me he likes dancing for exercise.... in a club you are meat, and he is hungry, and you let yourself get where you are...
so Ill ask again, if it was him and a nice blonde, what would u think???

WhiteWashMan

dublindude wrote:

No doubt you'll be posting again in a few weeks after you've slept with this guy.

thats pretty presumptious of you.

the girl was chatted up, some bloke tried to kiss her, she said no.

perhaps you feel she ought to stay in a cave in the middle of nowhere, just in case she offends her boyfriend by being attractive to others.

sounds like you have a more serious case of insecurity than the OP's boyfriend should have.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

AARRRGH

WhiteWashMan wrote:

sounds like you have a more serious case of insecurity than the OP's boyfriend should have.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Stop stalking my posts, criticising everything I write please! Just because I criticised you a few days ago.

WhiteWashMan

dublindude wrote:

Stop stalking my posts, criticising everything I write please! Just because I criticised you a few days ago.

im not!

im simply asking for further explainations as to how you came to your conclusions!

yim sorry oyu dont like my methods of posting, but thats just the way i am.

/shrugs

Nevyn

dublindude if you have an issue with a poster take it to pm with that poster
or p, the mods.
Off topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do read the charter,
have a nice day.
Thaedydal.

Nevyn

Stop it the pair of you.
Ye are warned.

~Rebel~

Well in my own personal opinion, no you didn't cheat, but it wasn't the best either. Again, wholey in my opinion, the way to judge these things is if you're partner was there, say with his buddies across the room, and saw all of this, what would he have thought? Secondly what would you think if you're boyfriend did exactly the same with some girl. These answers totally depend on you and your boyfriend and are yours to answer. As WWM said, he and his chica would be fine with it. For myself and my gf, we're both a lil more on the jealous type and wouldn't be so happy with such beheavier. Thats just us, doesn't mean we're pure and right or anything. Its really up to you to decide what your bf would think, and what you'd think if he did it. But one things for sure i'd say, if you stick with your boyfriend, then i dont think friendship can carry on and grow with other guy. Im quite sure no boyfriend wants their girlfriend having a new malefriend who all parties know fancies her and is just waiting in the wings. IMO would just put a strain on things. Hope it works out with you anyway, good luck sure.

>edit< realised after my ideas have been mentioned before, but i suppose no harm seeing how many have these thoughts.

>edit2< quick comment on 2 posts

jimmidy_cricket wrote:

if you stay together and say nought then its only a matter of time before you fancy someone else...or he goes off with someone

so its only a matter of time before one of them cheats? thats pretty ridiculously negative. obviously she has realised the consequence of what shes done and that she thinks it was poor form, therefore, it is just possible that, maybe, she might not cheat! and whats the basis for the guy cheating?

WhiteWashMan wrote:

sounds like you have a more serious case of insecurity than the OP's boyfriend should have

Well that is pretty much entirely the issue here isn't it? The fact that if this issue were to be known by the boyfriend that it would create an insecurity between the couple. Just as the OP said it would if he did it to her. and i can safely say would between me and my gf if it happened. Especially in the early stages of a relationship it could destroy the trust which is so very important. You're very lucky to not have these problems WWM, but not everyone is so fortunate.

LegacyUser

WhiteWashMan wrote:

perhaps you feel she ought to stay in a cave in the middle of nowhere, just in case she offends her boyfriend by being attractive to others.

where is the line drawn to show where innocent playing ends and dangerous flirting begins?

the dude text me again today, i didn't reply and have deleted said number from phone. i don't want to cause trouble. well, any more than i already have, in a way.

~Rebel~ wrote:

therefore, it is just possible that, maybe, she might not cheat!

umm...i really hope i wouldn't cheat, i never have. it's been done to me before by someone i really cared about and i don't like to think that i could hurt anyone like that. that's why i'm feeling so terribly guilty about this, and i didn't even actually kiss him...

Kersh wrote:

Imo you shouldn even be chatting to another guy on a night out, cos all that any guy wants on a night out is a ride.... or are you going to tell me he likes dancing for exercise.... in a club you are meat, and he is hungry, and you let yourself get where you are...

so i (or any other girl) can't talk to another guy on a night out because i'm going out with someone? that's ridiculous......fair enough, i understand what i did was not appropriate, but chatting in a less innappropriate way than i did must be ok...next you'll say that girls in a relationship shouldn't wear short skirts or low-cut tops...
and, if it's genuinely true that all he wanted was a ride, then howcome he literally stayed chatting to me, afteri told him i had a boyfriend, and we had no physical contact. he didn't ask for my number until the end of the night, before that we were just talking and having a laugh. why didn't he go off to try score another girl as soon as he found out that i was taken so?

jimmidy_cricket wrote:

if you stay together and say nought then its only a matter of time before you fancy someone else...or he goes off with someone

i guess..... prob him going off with someone, coz i'll screw things up badly...

Kersh

Talking to guys is fine, but this guy obviously thought he was getting somewhere, which is why he stayed around. Guys dont go to clubs to meet lifelong friends who are girls.. :rolleyes:
And the fact he got your number means you are on for it too. Dump your fella before you hurt him.