Terrible things you've almost done

LadyJ

So recently I've almost done some truly terrible things,funny,yet terrible.

About a month ago,at work,a girl was leaving and during the day someone approached me with a random card and asked if I'd like to sign it. Assuming it was for the girl who was leaving,I went to write "Sorry you're leaving,good luck".
Thankfully,before I wrote that very thing,I happened to say,

"So this is for Carol,right?"....... It turned out that,no,it wasn't for Carol,it was in fact for the manager's son wo has cancer..... It was almost horrific!:eek:

Secondly,I almost rang a woman who gave me a written reference a year or so ago to confirm that it was ok to use her on my CV the other day. Luckily I didn't as it turns out she died 6months ago!:rolleyes:

So,anyone else ever almost humiliate themselves like this?:v:

Tusky

Yeah...the problem is, I didnt 'almost' do them, I did them

Pighead

Pigheads forever almost humiliating himself.His quick mind and amazing recovery skills have saved his bacon on more than one occasion
Its 1995,Pigheads looking fantastic in a tux on the night of his debs.He knocks at the door and a lovely little lady answers.
Pighead:Hello Mrs X,how are you,I'm Pighead,these flowers and chocolates are for you.
Mrs X(Looking scared and confused):Eh why are you giving me chocolates and flowers?
Pighead:Eh I'm taking your daughter to the debs and its traditional to give the Mother flowers and chocolates
Mrs X:My daughters 7 years old.
Pigheads Mother:Pighead you spanner, she lives in 37 not 38!
Cue a quick sprint over to 37 to arrive at the door just my dates Mother opened it.She never suspected a thing.Pigheads blushes were saved(sort of)

Le Rack

good story piggy!

There's a girl in our class called Jenny, but we call her Jenny Door, for numerous reasons. Anywho, whilst on a school trip to Spain we were in Porta Ventura, a group of us were on this whirly thing and in an attempt to not throw up just having eaten jumbo hot dogs, we started to make up a story. It was about Jenny Door, the legover who wanted to be a princess when she grows up, she's near 18 and still DOES! ANywho the story was really funny, and even had a song, no two! A chant and a song, we sorta stole the Killers song, It wasn't smile like you mean it, it wasn't mr. brightside and it wasn't the solider one, it was the other big one, and had her name and some other bits in it. I was relaying the tale in class one day, and was at the chanting bit only to realise the girl was standing right behind me!

pickarooney

I wish that garbled nonsense was something terrible you almost did.

Binomate

I stuck a knife in the toaster twice almost killing myself. Yes yes, darwinisim at work before anyone says it.

Ro: maaan!

Binomate wrote:

I stuck a knife in the toaster twice almost killing myself. Yes yes, darwinisim at work before anyone says it.

Any particular reason?

Rhyme

Binomate wrote:

I stuck a knife in the toaster twice almost killing myself. Yes yes, darwinisim at work before anyone says it.

Did the same... was trying to dislodge toast

Binomate

Ro: maaan! wrote:

Any particular reason?

The first time I was trying to heat up the metal knife so as I could spread some real butter on a slice of bread. The second time was to see if the trip switches worked or something stupid like that. Luckily they did.

bounty_hunter

I almost tripped a blind woman in college last week. That would have been pretty terrible.

CombatCow

Le Rack wrote:

good story piggy!

There's a girl in our class called Jenny, but we call her Jenny Door, for numerous reasons. Anywho, whilst on a school trip to Spain we were in Porta Ventura, a group of us were on this whirly thing and in an attempt to not throw up just having eaten jumbo hot dogs, we started to make up a story. It was about Jenny Door, the legover who wanted to be a princess when she grows up, she's near 18 and still DOES! ANywho the story was really funny, and even had a song, no two! A chant and a song, we sorta stole the Killers song, It wasn't smile like you mean it, it wasn't mr. brightside and it wasn't the solider one, it was the other big one, and had her name and some other bits in it. I was relaying the tale in class one day, and was at the chanting bit only to realise the girl was standing right behind me!

What?


*LMAO pickarooney

Vikings

I almost knocked a kid over, no wait, he fell over but he ran into me so I suppose this doesnt count.

Shellie13

Tusky wrote:

Yeah...the problem is, I didnt 'almost' do them, I did them

LOL! thats gotta suck:p

Shellie13

Pighead wrote:

Pigheads forever almost humiliating himself.His quick mind and amazing recovery skills have saved his bacon on more than one occasion
Its 1995,Pigheads looking fantastic in a tux on the night of his debs.He knocks at the door and a lovely little lady answers.
Pighead:Hello Mrs X,how are you,I'm Pighead,these flowers and chocolates are for you.
Mrs X(Looking scared and confused):Eh why are you giving me chocolates and flowers?
Pighead:Eh I'm taking your daughter to the debs and its traditional to give the Mother flowers and chocolates
Mrs X:My daughters 7 years old.
Pigheads Mother:Pighead you spanner, she lives in 37 not 38!
Cue a quick sprint over to 37 to arrive at the door just my dates Mother opened it.She never suspected a thing.Pigheads blushes were saved(sort of)

Heh- you ledgend! That really sounds like some of the things I'v done! Can't recall them on the spot but ill post later give ye all a good laugh!:D

anthonymcg

Used to work in 11850 compiling the business entries when they first started up. We had mountains of numbers and names to go through trying to work out what they did. One day:

Me: "Hi, blablah blahblah 11850 blah blah blah compiling database of businesses blah blah blah... can i speak to sean please?"
Woman: "No, I'm afraid he's dead son."
Me: "Oh I'm so sorry, my condolences"
Woman: "Oh no, your fine. It's been ten years now since he died."
Me: Explains old directory from Eircom
Woman: "Thats fine, your OK."
Me: Hangs up and puts head on table.

The General

Tusky wrote:

Yeah...the problem is, I didnt 'almost' do them, I did them

Ye same here, i came into this thread

bounty_hunter

The General wrote:

Ye same here, i came into this thread

Hoho. Such wit.

TerrorFirmer

Binomate wrote:

The first time I was trying to heat up the metal knife so as I could spread some real butter on a slice of bread. The second time was to see if the trip switches worked or something stupid like that. Luckily they did.

Thats nothing. Once at a mates house party we were SO smashed we cooked chicken fillets in the toaster. Using knives to take it and and turn it.

At the time we didn't think about it as we drunkenly chatted while toasting.

We then ate the chicken.

Looking back it was very foolish :v:

Binomate

MobileInfantry wrote:

Thats nothing. Once at a mates house party we were SO smashed we cooked chicken fillets in the toaster. Using knives to take it and and turn it.

At the time we didn't think about it as we drunkenly chatted while toasting.

We then ate the chicken.

Looking back it was very foolish :v:

I admire you for that.

Xiney

Yesterday at work, I was making up a few hundred nametags for this research conference/retreat and one of the guys was named "Mohammed Niazi"


I nearly made a nametag that read "Mohammed Nazi" Thankfully, I caught it as soon as it came out of the printer.
:eek:

Green_Martian

Well i thought i was being brillant doing a bit of DIY at home, nothing major just drilling a few holes in a wall for cables to go through.

Not even 2 minutes into the job i heard a massive bang and seen a big spark, all hell broke lose as i had Drilled through the Main Electrical cable of the house:eek: :eek:

Thank god the trip switches worked, otherwise i would not be here today to tell the tail

LegacyUser

Pighead wrote:

Pigheads forever almost humiliating himself.His quick mind and amazing recovery skills have saved his bacon on more than one occasion
Its 1995,Pigheads looking fantastic in a tux on the night of his debs.He knocks at the door and a lovely little lady answers.
Pighead:Hello Mrs X,how are you,I'm Pighead,these flowers and chocolates are for you.
Mrs X(Looking scared and confused):Eh why are you giving me chocolates and flowers?
Pighead:Eh I'm taking your daughter to the debs and its traditional to give the Mother flowers and chocolates
Mrs X:My daughters 7 years old.
Pigheads Mother:Pighead you spanner, she lives in 37 not 38!
Cue a quick sprint over to 37 to arrive at the door just my dates Mother opened it.She never suspected a thing.Pigheads blushes were saved(sort of)

yeah, good story, but why do you talk about yourself in the third person all the time?
it gives sillysausage a headache. are you by any chance related to makosi?

Xiney

Gkelly2002 wrote:

Well i thought i was being brillant doing a bit of DIY at home, nothing major just drilling a few holes in a wall for cables to go through.

Not even 2 minutes into the job i eard a massive bang and seen a big spark, all hell broe lose as i had Drilled throught the Main Electrical cable of the house:eek: :eek:

Thank god the trip switches worked, otherwise i would not be here today to tell the tail

Reminds me of the time my genius sister used a metal nail to pry out a plug that was stuck in an extension cord. The extension cord was white originally and it turned black halfway up.

Mr. CooL ICE

At work, we have a short break in the morning, around 10:30, and a lunchbreak, but theres an unofficial afternoon break which were not supposed to take. But one day, i was going on break and used the recently dialled list on my mobile to ring a friend of mine (works in a different building) and started saying "Are you going on break? Are you going on break?", and was seconds away from shouting abuse down the phone at him (friendly abuse), when i noticed his voice was different. I looked at who i had rang, and it was my boss!

magpie

Could you all collate these side-splitting tales of near-disaster into one really long email that I can forward to everyone I know before deleting, along with the "Real Things Overheard in an Office" and "Lawyer Jokes" ones. Thanks.

MrJoeSoap

Pighead wrote:

Pighead:Hello Mrs X,how are you,I'm Pighead,these flowers and chocolates are for you.

Good job her husband Malcolm didn't answer the door!

Pighead

magpie wrote:

Could you all collate these side-splitting tales of near-disaster into one really long email that I can forward to everyone I know before deleting, along with the "Real Things Overheard in an Office" and "Lawyer Jokes" ones. Thanks.

Pigheads up to his bollox in work at the moment magpie but I promise you as soon as i've cleared my bay and got rid of these hi-pots there will be a side splitting e-mail winging its way to you buddy.

Just wondering magpie,if the email ends up getting sent all around the world would the contributors be elegible for royalties?

WhiteWashMan

i sat in the middle of a red back spider nest once when i was very young.


however, i was saved from near disaster by my mother who clamly called me to her and then gave me a sound thrashing and told me never to play with poisonous spiders again.

then in university i found uranium, and my tutor saved my friends from possible cancer by kicking me out of class for for putting lumps of unshielded uranium down peoples shirts.

joe_chicken

WhiteWashMan wrote:

i sat in the middle of a red back spider nest once when i was very young.


however, i was saved from near disaster by my mother who clamly called me to her and then gave me a sound thrashing and told me never to play with poisonous spiders again.

then in university i found uranium, and my tutor saved my friends from possible cancer by kicking me out of class for for putting lumps of unshielded uranium down peoples shirts.

Theres always one!

I dived into a rock! ... (in the forty foot in dun laoighre)

That is bad you say?!

The day before someone else did it and broke their neck...

and the doctor said if i'd hit my head a little higher i woulda done the same

luckily i only have a cool scar.. well my mom thinks its cool

Kiith

i hit a friend in the face with a tennis racket once...dunno if that applies to the topic at hand... (it was revenge after he knocked out my front two baby teeth)

Dilly1

I set a quadrapalegic on fire once, about 5 years ago in a pub.
It was an accident though so I can't go to hell for that, your exempt
in cases of accidents. I think.

Siogfinsceal

i was out and v drunk on halloween and trying to find a mate who was last seen on the dance floor. rang her mobi and some guy answered. asked to speak to her several times and no luck. figured he must have stolen her fone so I got a bit abusive explaining that unless she grew balls in the last hour it wasnt her.

then...i looked ay my fone. I had called her house instead of her mobi...and was talking to her dad...wanted to die. AND he knew it was me. Im sooooo lucky shes still speaking to me

oh and was b!tching to a girl one day about a taXI COMPANY OWNER guy who had P!ssed me off turning up half hour late to pick me up in a taxi with his hoochy in the front with him making me an hour late for work and my boss nearly fired me. Turns out the guy in question was her dad ...and he was supposed to be happily married so she wanted to know who the other girl was ...oooops mortified!!!!

dahooligan

I almost didn't post a reply here.. think of the consequences

Love

Does setting a tissue on fire in mass count? Or blowing up a computer? (it wasn;t even mine!) Or exploding stuff in the microwave? Or accepting dares that end with you stuck in a bin after trying to break in through a prefab window ?... I could go on..

Love

Oh. And admiring a cancer patient's hair is a no-no. That ALMOST happened me. My mam happened to interrupt me and mention that the person in question had a wig.!! or i would have said it out loud to her how nice her hair was!!:eek:

bounty_hunter

Isn't this supposed to be terrible things you've almost done?

Love

Ah yes... disregard the first of my last two posts then.

bounty_hunter

That wasn't aimed specifically at you, for the record.

Dilly1

bounty_hunter wrote:

Isn't this supposed to be terrible things you've almost done?

I don't really care whats its supposed to be about.

The guy should not have been smoking in the first place if he can't use his arms. And the fact that he was nodding at me to get my attention, because the cigarette was on his lap, I mean how was I to know, I thought he was being freindly and saying "thanks for lighting my cigarette mate", so I just kept saying "cheers no problem, anytime". I didnt know that what he was really saying is "I AM ON FIRE". The pub was crowded and it was noisey.

anyway it all ended ok. just some singes.

Faith

When I was still in school, a group of us were sitting in the classroom at lunchtime and someone started singing "Staying Alive" by the beegees. Needless to say, it got stuck in all of our heads for ages. A while later a girl in my year came into the room looking shaken. We asked her what was wrong and it transpired that she'd just found out a friend of hers had died. While she packed up her stuff to go home, my best friend absent-mindedly started singing a song that was stuck in her head... The song was "Staying Alive"...

bounty_hunter

Dilly1 wrote:

I don't really care whats its supposed to be about.

Suit yourself, divert the topic if you please.

Slutmonkey57b

Dilly1 wrote:

I set a quadrapalegic on fire once, about 5 years ago in a pub.
It was an accident though so I can't go to hell for that, your exempt
in cases of accidents. I think.

That's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.

skyhighflyer

I remember once when I was about ten. I had just gotten a new bike which I naturally thought was the dog's bollox.. anyway, along came this young one who used to be a bit of a cow to me at the time....

Her: What'd you pay for that bike, about 50p??

Me (trying to be smart): Yeah, like what your parents paid for you at the orphanage!

Long story short, it turned out that she actually was fcuking adopted :eek: . As were her two older, lumpier and angrier brothers. it wasn't a good year for me after that.

Terry

i posted in a similar thread on another board earlier.

i was walking out of the pub one night, extremely drunk and fell over a blind man and knocked over a table of drinks. apparently the blind guy was soaked. i can't remember.

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

A guy I work with was showing me pictures of his family a few days ago!... There was one picture of his four kids and someone i thought was his wife!!... I started going on about how cute his kids were and his wife is a stunner etc...
....... turns out his "wife" was actually his next door neighbour who is really a 17 year old boy!!... He was doing his grads and thats why the pictures were taken!!... How I didn't cop that his wife was wearing a tux is beyond me!!

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

Oh... the boy had longish hair too!!... So thats why i thought it was a girl!

Pepe LeFrits

Ro: maaan! wrote:

Any particular reason?

He couldn't find one of his many pairs of shoes and thought he might have left them in the toaster!

Love

Today I was talking to my friend about her cousin and how he was very tall...

Her name was Megan. Eep!:o

Vangelis

Almost took my life.
Someone called it a lasting solution to a temporary problem.

Pepe LeFrits

Vangelis wrote:

Almost took my life.
Someone called it a lasting solution to a temporary problem.

Em, this thread is for terrible things you've almost done, not attempted acts of the betterment of mankind.

nesf

kaids banned for being a muppet