20 and never had a gf

LegacyUser

Im 20 almost 21, never had a g/f, a virgin - heck never even romantically kissed a girl.

Usual background story of grew up in the middle of nowhere, don’t drink to get drunk and don’t enjoy the club scene.

A long time ago I’d have started a topic about being socially inept and having no friends… growing older got me over that.
Two years ago I’d have started a topic about having no female friends…. circumstance got me over that and today due to college most of my friends are girls.
I’m probably still on the quiet reserved end of the scale but nowhere as bad as I was.

While surrounded by attractive girls, maybe one I more than fancy, I can’t seem to ever make an actual move. Yeah you could say I am frightened of rejection...

Gone travelling for a month, gone on what has felt like dates, on walks, out for coffee, invited for dinner, to the cinema etc. (and mostly none of this was initiated by me) but well its always felt like a friends thing.

So where am I going wrong? Am I not reading the signs or have I just not met a girl who fancies me or?

Not sure the usual answer of ‘go join a club’ would work for me. I’d join the club, find a girl I fancy, maybe go for coffee if she suggested it but I’d have another friend when what I’d like is a girlfriend.

Any suggested reading, preferably not too cheesy or any general advice. It’s frustrating me enough to start this topic.

dundalk cailin

well u seem to have a good relationship with girls as a *friend*..age old cliche..they see u as someone relaible, friendly, but not in a romantic way. i can never seem to get a guy i like to see me as more than a friend either, i would be too shy to ask them out. dunno what to do in that situation really

dundalk cailin

sorry that reply was prob useless to u

ando

you have to see and realise when your falling into the friend zone, thats half the battle!

ankleman

Damn! thats sounds like a replica case for me too!

Before starting college I wouldn't have known any girls and would have only had about 4 people I could really call friends. Now I've got nearly a thousand names in my phone book and if I'm not going to a party or meeting somebody every night of the week I feel weird, like I should be somewhere.....

Although I know loads of really attractive girls, do stuff with them all the time and I'd say some of my closest friends are very hot, I just feel completely out of my depth whenever I think of having a relationship with them.

I'm terrified if I ask them out and get rejected, I'll have destroyed all the good rapport and great times I'll have had shared with them for a selfish reason and may lose them as friends because of the evidently awkward aftermath.

I also am convinced I suffer from a common social condition myself and a friend have christened 'Asparagus Syndrome' [a play on aspergers disease].

Its where lads cannot gain the remotest understanding of a girls body language to know whether they are interested in them or not.

I've had friends I know tell me in clubs all the time that: I'd be talking to a girl, then afterwards my friends would say this girl was really into me, but I have no cop-on of what the signs are that they are giving me and did nothing about it. Also, if I do like a girl, I've a massive problem trying to find the perfect moment to kiss her. MASSIVE! PROBLEM!

What I'm saying is a girl who likes me will have to be incredibly up-front and nearly aggressively overt that she likes me for it to register with me at all, otherwise I'll never touch them and treat them as friends, at best.

I've resigned myself to believing that I shall either be bred out of existence or some day I shall just not care about losing these people as friends and just go for it. Its a complex issue that is deeper than the above. It'll need a lot more thought before I can fully understand what I'm trying to say.

dundalk cailin

ankleman wrote:

Also, if I do like a girl, I've a massive problem trying to find the perfect moment to kiss her. MASSIVE! PROBLEM!
.

just on that note, last wk was out, talkin to this guy i like, know he likes me, anyway we both wanted to kiss each other, just the two of us was too shy! eventually i initiated it...SCARY!!! but it paid off

other time that i was talkin to him (couple weeks ago) our friend pushed us together, so that sometimes comes in handy

dundalk cailin

ankleman, im the female version of u!!!

:eek:

LegacyUser

ankleman wrote:

I also am convinced I suffer from a common social condition myself and a friend have christened 'Asparagus Syndrome' [a play on aspergers disease].

Hey, I'm also convinced I've got that.
OP: I think the fear of rejection will be your biggest opponent. It seems to me like being upfront in an "I like you, do you want to go for N" where N is dinner, coffee, the symphony et cetera, is your best way to cut through any uncertainty.

ferdi

maybe us lads should form a sad **** club, there seems to be no shortage of membership candidates

ankleman

The only different thing for me than the above thread starter is that I do drink, I hit clubs all the time and have a great time on the dancefloor with my friends and in general have no problem going up to a group of girls that I don't know and talking a load of crap for the laugh.

One of my friends said I've the dating standards of a Victorian gentleman, in that I'll only ask a girl out if I think she's perfect for me. The whole dating scene has gone completely over my head. This is an awfully confusing issue for me.

LegacyUser

Thanks.

you have to see and realise when your falling into the friend zone, thats half the battle!

Well that's just about every single time.

I wouldn't ask out a girl until I know her a bit... but then when I know her she's in the friends zone.. I guess that's my problem.

I'm terrified if I ask them out and get rejected, I'll have destroyed all the good rapport and great times I'll have had shared with them for a selfish reason and may lose them as friends because of the evidently awkward aftermath.

Exactly.

EvilPixieOne

You know girls love confidence and you dont really need to wait for the exact perfect moment to kiss her, if you think she likes you just go for it, and she'll probably like you more for it. Even if you are rejected once or twice, it's better than not ever knowing, and girls will most likely find it flattering either way

Laguna

ferdi wrote:

maybe us lads should form a sad **** club, there seems to be no shortage of membership candidates

There is one, I'm the Chairman.

sobriquet

ankleman wrote:

I also am convinced I suffer from a common social condition myself and a friend have christened 'Asparagus Syndrome' [a play on aspergers disease].

Its where lads cannot gain the remotest understanding of a girls body language to know whether they are interested in them or not.

I've had friends I know tell me in clubs all the time that: I'd be talking to a girl, then afterwards my friends would say this girl was really into me, but I have no cop-on of what the signs are that they are giving me and did nothing about it. Also, if I do like a girl, I've a massive problem trying to find the perfect moment to kiss her. MASSIVE! PROBLEM!

What I'm saying is a girl who likes me will have to be incredibly up-front and nearly aggressively overt that she likes me for it to register with me at all, otherwise I'll never touch them and treat them as friends, at best.

Hahaha, that's a hilarious name and description, ankleman. Sign me up as another sad wanker that suffers from this.

The thing though (and this is speculation really, but I think it's true) about becoming friends is that if you behave as a friend, you'll be treated as one. I reckon that the reason that the bad-boy type blokes (y'know what I'm talking about - randomly feeling up women in nightclubs, generally acting a bit chauvanistic) are successful and get a response is because they are overtly behaving as if the woman is an object of desire, not someone to be friendly with - and they get the appropriate response. I think this is what people are really talking about when they say 'confident.' It's really about treating the situation as it is - a sexually or romantically charged encounter - not as some kind of mutual appreciation group.

I'm generalising of course, and when I say 'object of desire', I mean that the woman is a sexual feminine creature and wants to be recognised and treated as such. I'm stressing the 'desire' part over the 'object' part.

So, open question: is this accurate or realistic? Am I talking ****e? Sad w4nkers everywhere want to know.

Now, don't ask me about how to go from one attitude to the other, I haven't got the knack for it completely yet. If anyone has any pointers, I'd like to hear them too.

EvilPixieOne

You might be right about that, but when guys in clubs and stuff act the way you're describing I don't think I'd consider them for a longterm thing, and it's always nice to actually be able to talk to a guy, you just have to keep it a bit unsure for the girl, rather then being too friendly and becoming her friend. Not really helpful for you I suppose but there you go

rainbow kirby

The OP sounds like a male version of me... I've loads of guys as friends, but I can't seem to make the step into relationship territory, even when I *really* fancy the guy.

DJDC

I'm terrified if I ask them out and get rejected, I'll have destroyed all the good rapport and great times I'll have had shared with them for a selfish reason and may lose them as friends because of the evidently awkward aftermath.

Who gives a **** man!Just grab the girl and see what happens.bitches love it when u grab their ass!

ankleman

Dare I ask it, but what do girls like about the guys they fancy.

For lads its so simple, and they generally reach a quick consensus over girls.

I feel a number of questions about the opposite sex will be answered if I got a better idea of what they like in a man.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Maybe see a therapist, could be a self esteem issue you dont even realise you have. Remember that seeing a therapist doesnt mean you have any mental issue whatsoever - for your case you're just paying a professional to discuss why you think the way you do. Now matter how close you think you might be to anyone they don't know how to\aren't qualified to answer your questions. If you find this a bit daunting maybe get a book on basic human psycology.

By the way [/QUOTE]don’t drink to get drunk

kinda implies you believe you think if you did get drunk you'd kiss someone easily. Stop thinking like this, I've kissed plenty of people whilst sober.

sobriquet

EvilPixieOne wrote:

You might be right about that, but when guys in clubs and stuff act the way you're describing I don't think I'd consider them for a longterm thing, and it's always nice to actually be able to talk to a guy, you just have to keep it a bit unsure for the girl, rather then being too friendly and becoming her friend. Not really helpful for you I suppose but there you go

Fair enough, but I suppose I was stereotyping for the sake of argument. By bad-boy bloke, it's probably more accurate to say a bloke who's overtly interested in the woman he's chatting up - not necessarily being feely or chauvinistic. Going chatting to women and just being just friendly obviously leaves mixed messages for her, so for safety she might not seem interested for fear of being lead on/rejected altogether etc.

Er, anyway, back on topic. To the OP, I suppose my point is that to get romantic with a friend means that you stop behaving like a friend. When you go for coffee for the first time, it doesn't suddenly mean: bang, you screwed it up, you're just friends. Suggest something else. Say "hey this was fun, let's do something together again some time," and not rely on meeting incidentally. If she says no, grin maniacally. No actually don't, just say "sound, hey, I'll see again on friday night, should be a bit of craic," and then you're back to being friends, but no loss there.

But like I said, I've definitely got Asparagus syndrome too, so I might be talking sh1te.

LegacyUser

In six months, i'll be in your position (nearly)...

I wouldn't be great around women. I'd have to say i would be fairly good at telling when someone likes me or not, but i rarely act on that, just in case i'm wrong.

Even when its blatantly obvious that someone likes me, i get prone to "panic" attacks. For example (and i've just about forgiven myself for this one ) i had been flirting with this girl for a while (week or two) and we both ended up at a mutual friends house party. So, all was going well, when i decided to steal the popcorn and hide it somewhere. So of course, said girl heads out after me (i've just hidden the popcorn at this stage) and i say to her "If you've come for the popcorn, its hidden in a place so devious you'd never find it!". Then she said "I didn't come here for the popcorn..." and moves closer.

So of course, even though this is what i'd been hoping for, i panicked. So i repeated the popcorn phrase. She assumed she'd made a mistake since i didn't go and kiss her and backed off. She went home soon after. Next time i saw her we were "just friends". Chance blown.

Then of course there's the girls who just want to **** with your mind. There was another girl i was interested in recently (last april/may actually) who acted like she was interested. She pulled a few moves, i managed to control the panic and not **** it up right at the start. We even got to the panic-stricken "give her a kiss before you go home stage after the first 'date' " stage, which i successfully pulled off. But a series of events later, she basically turns around and says "i never liked you at all, you pulled all the moves, i didn't want anything to do with you. You made me feel really uncomfortable all the time". You got to watch out for those. I still wonder to myself why she bothered. More importantly, what'd she tell to our mutual friends. I know she said something, cos they were a bit wierd when they found out. But of course, no-one mentioned anything to me...

I wouldn't be considared a great looker. I'm definately not in the top 10% of goodlooking guys, but i've had two of those "near encounters" in the last 4-5 months. Unfortunately they were both after the "mind ****" incident, so i managed to bungle both due to insecurities.

You've said yourself that you find it hard to tell whether someone likes you or not... so if you ever DO think someone likes ya, go for it! I kick myself regularly for not going for it! If you're unsure about it, if you and the girl you like have a mutual friend, "drunkenly" let slip you think girl X is really hot/you like her a lot. Or if you're too shy for that (i used to be :P) try "accidently" texting that you like girl X to her friend. Give it a few mins, then send a second one explaining you sent a text to the wrong number.

Worst case scenario, nothing happens. Best case... leave that to your imagination.

rainbow kirby

ankleman wrote:

Dare I ask it, but what do girls like about the guys they fancy.
I feel a number of questions about the opposite sex will be answered if I got a better idea of what they like in a man.

For me... looks are a part, but there has to be a good personality too. I don't tend to instantly go 'wow', I have to kinda get to know them first. This is where the friends thing comes in for me. At that stage, even if I do fancy a guy, they've kinda decided they just want to be friends.

LegacyUser

rainbow kirby wrote:

For me... looks are a part, but there has to be a good personality too. I don't tend to instantly go 'wow', I have to kinda get to know them first. This is where the friends thing comes in for me. At that stage, even if I do fancy a guy, they've kinda decided they just want to be friends.

Snap! I never swoop in for the kill on the first meeting. Every potential i've had (still able to count em all on one hand, with spare fingers) has only been after meeting them a few times. In the case of the mind**** girl 8 months ago, we met at least two dozen times before she pulled the first move.

You don't have to pull moves the first time you see someone, you can still pull em later after meeting with em a few times. Generally, i'd have to talk/meet someone at least 3-4 times before i'd consider trying to pull something.

LegacyUser

For the record there's no such thing as Asperger's "disease", some extraordinary ignorance around these parts. If anyone is serious about AS read up on it and I'm not talking about getting a DSM IV and ticking a few boxes or A Curious Incident... Educate yourselves

LegacyUser

What is the definition of a girlfriend? How long together constitutes girlfriend/boyfriend?

dundalk cailin

for me if a guy is friendly enough to come up and introduce himself without leering at u etc, thats a good starting point. if u feel comfortable talking to them. yea looks are a factor, but sometimes being *too* goodlooking can put me off (ie cocky with the territory), as i said in earlier post, i had to make the first move with guy, i was petrified, even tho we were together before, its jus something i hate doing. i realise that guys prob go thru the samle thing, only its worse cos girls (in general) still expect guys to make the first move. that said; i def wouldnt have made the move on the guy if i hadnt been chatting to him for a while and felt comfortable in his presence, also i was fairly certain i wouldnt be rejected

Faith

Make her laugh. If you can successfully do it several times, chances are she'll start becoming interested, if she wasn't before. In my experience, anyway. I always fall for guys who make me laugh.

LegacyUser

I think ankleman shud stop imagin that he is constantly surrounded by hot women.He is obviously isnt.
The only diagnosis that makes sense is excessive freeones!

LegacyUser

Sorry im after forgettin my password,so i cant log in.But i am the ankleman,i promise.
Anyway i saw this issue slipping down the forum so i wanted to bring it back to ur attention!
So any advice,i really need ya advice
How does a man like go from the stage of 'knocking one off' to actually doing the real thing!

BeardyGit

You need to look up "The Ladder Theory" online. Seriously, it's a fairly blunt take on the whole boy meet girl, boy fancies girl, girl likes boy as friend thing. I think it's quite amusing but don't take it literally or you'll end up a sad lonely sack.

Don't be too cynical either about not having a girlfriend - The gang here will no doubt confirm that it usually falls into place when you least expect it but rarely when you go looking for it. It's just one of the unwritten rules of engagement/the universe, whatever.

Cheers,

Gil

Victor

ankleman1 wrote:

Sorry im after forgettin my password,so i cant log in.But i am the ankleman,i promise.

Check the confirmation e-mail you receiveved when you signed up.

bingo9999

you only regret the things you dont do, i guess that doesnt help but if u see a chance just jump in the river of life

Civilian_Target

DJDC wrote:

Who gives a **** man!Just grab the girl and see what happens.bitches love it when u grab their ass!

lol! It might work

Seriously though - just get along with life, be sociable, get to know as many people as you can (male and female). Someone will come along when you least expect it...

DAEDULUS

thats the worst advice you could probably give..thats the #1 problem with most guys,they go through life thinking they'l meet this special somebody along the way by chance,and it will all be lovely..when in reality you might meet somebody,but she will proably 3 stone heavier and alot uglier than your ideal woman..and you will stick with her because based on your passed,you dont expect to get anything better...

what you should do,is try and get better with women so you can get the kind of gf you actually want,read some ****e on the net..theres loads of info
a decent site with a good discussion board is sosuave.com
might seem gay to you but will probably open alot of doors for you at the same time...
i read this stuff all the time,its pretty interesting and is the reason i do psychology now