Aftermath of breakup|Getting life on track

Dax Wax

To begin with IM sorry if this all sounds too familiar, but I need to discuss this in some shape or form. To cut a story really short, I was going with this girl for 5 years, we never lived together(only the 3 holidays we had together, which added up to about 4 months) but we were "in love", were together through college and last year of 2ndry school.She moved away as she got promoted in her company.Made a new life for herself etc.Only saw her on wkends and after 3 months she ended it of course.ended it horribly + we dont speak now(shame i think, nothing bad happened just easier for her i think).There wasnt anybody else but prob is now.

Its been a good while now since we have ended and I dont know how to act to be myself(i dont know who I am tbh).I loved this girl,and we both made the mistake of cutting everyone else out of our lives,thus kinda smothering one another.I needed to be loved, I really loved this girl(kind funny gorgeous etc) and I enjoyed the comfort of our relationship.We are both in mid 20s, and since Ive been 18 all I know is being with this girl.I grew up with her and I miss her around,her bubbly character,her smile and I miss her calling/texting every hour of the say.

Everyday since she has gone is like groundhog day.The person who "told me never to leave her" + "i will always love you" (I know she meant it then adnI know its just as easy to fall out of love) id gone and left a big gap in my life. PEople will say go join a club, pick up mountain climbing, go clubbin and pubbin etc.Thats the thing, I tired to cry it out of my system and give myself time to mourn and feel sorry for myself, tried to go back to playin soccer, tried goin clubbin with the few mates I did hang on too(never really was my scene, like the pubs but not the clubs); but deep down it just keeps tearin me apart.

Unfortunately apart from school,college,work and the odd game of footy/snooker this girl was my life and same for her.I really enjoyed the comfort of it all.I just want to know is there anyone out there that has still love for there X after a good period of time? Or how long does it generally take(i know its different for various people)This to you all prob sounds stupid and I should just get over it but believe me Ive tried...and so much for times a healer.

ShriekingSheet

Everyone has an ex they will never forget.
But maybe you don't have to forget her to get on with your life? Maybe it's ok to miss her. You'll fill up your time no problem as you get more used to being on your own.

CoNoR
8K15

Dax Wax

ShriekingSheet wrote:

Maybe it's ok to miss her. You'll fill up your time no problem as you get more used to being on your own.

easy as that mate? I feel like Ive lost my marbles the way I reacted to this, like a total sad case. I put all my time and love (without noticing into this) and it justs ends in a flash! Its weird not having your bestfriend,companion and lover around. I hate goin out to clubs(not thinkin of meetin people there but it is the worse place to meet people). Just want to be happy again and I hate being alone and having noone to share stuff with. Christmas is coming up and its gonna be my first adult Christmas without her. Seems like Im dramatizing this but it does feel horrible and had to get it all off my chest some way.

PowerHouseDan

Been there mate and have to say it doesnt get much better for me. I just keep myself busy...I miss her but everytime i think her or i tel myself whats the point, lifes goes on with or without you. You will move on and forget about her but the problem is moving on......and finding someone to move on. I no i not helping you, but your not alone....

ergo

Like a relatively large amount of people on boards, I too have been in your shoes

5 year relationship ended, I was 23, she was working away, I was studying with a lot of time on my hands to think about everything, too much time, too much thinking

keep busy, your friends are invaluable

first month or 2 are absolutely tough

Christmas may not be fun, I think it took me about a year to get past the thing so I could move on, but that year included starting a new job and being very busy for the last 3 months of it and that helped too

somewhere else in PI there's a link to a site of the 10 best ways to get over an ex or even 10 things not to do after a breakup, if you can find that it's amusing at the very least

now, 4 years later and me and the ex are back working in the same place, it's a bit weird, but I can safely say I feel fairly grounded about the whole thing,

I have moved on to the extent that I just think I feel nothing or maybe numbness about the whole thing, despite being completely heartbroken 4 years ago and not at all keen to go back there currently

Dax Wax

yeah tis crap to say the least. I think about how fckd up i feel,n how much i still love her and miss what we had, then i think about her sluttin around, or with a new guy n say to myself how could it have been better than us? after all the love letters and promises etc... it feels like she grew up or moved on and I cant(stupid i now but it seems like that).

she has all this new life to move on to, whether as I havent(still stook in the old scene reminiscing). You begin to look at yourself n say was it me, what did i do wrong, how did she go from 5 years of telling me she loved me etc and before you know it your half way up to driving yourself fully up the wall. so waht does one do? waddle in his tears or force myself to go on the piss again?? either way aint fun

Dax Wax

but seriously....is it normal to feel this lonely and lettin it get to me. it really is tearing me apart

g'em

its normal for you. everyone reacts in different ways, and this is how you're doing it.

you were with her for 5 years, and presumably she was the only serious relationship you've ever had. Wait until you do this 3 or 4 times and then tell me about it

Sorry, just being facetious. Time really is the only healer. The best you can do is try and get on with it and trust yourself that you will start to feel better as the months go by. Hang on to your friends and your family, and let yourself have fun when you're with them. Its easy to fall into a woe-is-me cycle when you feel like that, and sometimes you just have to make the effort to pick yourself up and get on with it. Plenty of people here have been there, and we're still here telling the tale (bit sad really...!!:p )

DontKnowMuch

Dax Wax :
Plz don´t think you are some sort of freak. I still feel like you, towards my ex. She dumped me. And I really loved her. And I still do. It has been almost 4 months and I still think about her all the time. And we go to the same college, so I have to see her often.
You have to ask yourself : " Do I wanna get over her?" If the answer is affirmative, then you have to make conscious effort to do that. As long as you still think you and her can get back together, you will be stuck in the same place.
Sorry mate , I know it´s very, very hard. I wish I could go back in time and make things work for both of us...but I can´t.
Be brave, mate.

Dax Wax

yeah your rite, its the first time Ive got knocked down as such in life and just reacted like a hurt sulk!! I know its up to me to pick myself up, I think I wanted the rest of the world to do it for me, kinda like when she did it for me when she asked me out all those years ago! She was a great person and I miss her but have to move on and forward, no point in looking back ay! Any interesed single females pm me!(just kiddin).

thanks to all and I suppose if I give it a bit more time it will sort itself up!

cheers

Red Alert

you're not abnormal or freaky at all, because your description of the whole thing sounded really well thought out and to the point. i agree we all have an ex- we'll never forget, i know which one mine is.

chilling is the best way of handling it, go for a few drinks with your mates a couple of times a week, head over to the bar after work/college - you'll find someone to go with if you look! talk to some of your female friends, girls like talking about feelings and stuff (well some of the time)

Dax Wax

you're not abnormal or freaky at all, because your description of the whole thing sounded really well thought out and to the point. i agree we all have an ex- we'll never forget, i know which one mine is

.

If ya knew how I reacted to it all the first month, the constant weekend calls texts emails even letters through post begging for a reason (went over the top)> But I tell myself everyone thats hurt goes through a few days of madness and weaping.

chilling is the best way of handling it, go for a few drinks with your mates a couple of times a week, head over to the bar after work/college - you'll find someone to go with if you look!

Interest isnt there when it comes to going to the bar/club, but hopefully it will return in time. Ive pushed myself a couple of times to go but it just doesnt feel right, especially in the clubs and when Im going home (Im moaning again I know). The easy option is to hide in the corner, not bother to go out, get lazy and watch the tv 24\7.

talk to some of your female friends, girls like talking about feelings and stuff (well some of the time)

like I said, had a couple of them also but they all went there seperate ways after school and college. The only 2 I have left are just as good mates with my X so cant really drag them into it anymore!

I think its just time time and more time I need. thanks all again. Just still a little angry at life, ya give it all ya open yourself up, you tell one another everything and then its just gone. :-(

AllMessedUp

I am the same. I miss my ex girl, she too dumped me and we dont speak. I reacted completely nuts and hid away from everything for a long time. It still hurts, really really bad. I want to pick up the phone and call her, I want her to say the old things she used to say for 4 years but I know the minute I hear her voice it just wont be the same. I even think that no matter how much Id like it to happen if she were to turn up at my door crying her eyes out and begging for me back I just wouldnt be able to take her back even though I lvoe her still. Some people think its a little physcotic that you can continue to be obbsessed and constantly thinking of your ex but when an instant uncalled for breakup in your eyes occurs you can do nothing but think of him/her and all you had and shared. I think almost everyone goes through this and it is awfully painful. Im just hoping like you are that in time things will progress.

I wrote to my ex too, I begd for her to look back at everything but she doesnt love me anymore. She moved away, had her "being single" "party nites" etc and Id say by now she has found some other guy to love and start all over with, someone else to share moments and secrets with. IT wont be long before she finds her "one" again and prob break his heart too. All I can really say to help you is that there is more than you out there with this heartbreak, right now somewhere in the world someones heart is broken. and its the person who's heart is broken most put it back together, we can only hand you the superglue.

Dax Wax

AllMessedUp wrote:

its the person who's heart is broken most put it back together, we can only hand you the superglue.

any chance of that superglue soon? I keep coming on here in boards and every week or so ther is someone with the same problem, but I never see someone that keeps whinging about it months and months after it happens. I never see anyone that has tried the whole join a group, get pissed, get under a random someone else etc and still feel worse off! I could do wit that superglue soon

Dax Wax

okay i can see that this thread is dying and it kinda sums up what I thought that there is very little anyone can say or do to help me in this mess. I know its up to myself its just I cant help but THINK OF HER and what we had all the time. I really made a fool out of myself in front of her too and its all a big f**kin mess. Im so angry,upset etc...maybe the saying "get a life" isnt just a cruel way to tell someone to f**k off

LegacyUser

your just going through the motions how ever long it takes. I have bben in 2 breakups seen both sides of the coin and believe me there is nothing worse. Just laugh when ya wanna cry and do something anything when you feel like being alone and hiding away. an effort has to be made.

ergo

Dax Wax wrote:

.

If ya knew how I reacted to it all the first month, the constant weekend calls texts emails even letters through post begging for a reason (went over the top)

Ok, I'm sure most who have been in the situation have done the letters/calls/texts thing in the initial stages

one thing I think is important to do is to decide whether or not it is completely over and only then can you really move on,

holding onto false hope of a re-union is just going to drag out the pain etc for longer

another thing you could do is write her a letter and then burn it or just not post it

it seems like you have done it and I think it's the best thing to do but cut off all contact completely, delete her number from phone etc

watch the film "Swingers", it's hilarious and perfect for this situation and will point out that there's nothing you can do now to make her want you back, you can only do things that will make her not want you back

cliché and all as it is but it just takes time really, it was the toughest thing I ever went through but you're getting through it

and can anybody point me in the direction of the 10 tips for getting over a break up. this site was linked from a thread in PI about 6 months ago, searching is disabled and I can't find the relevant one via Google, only female oriented "getting over him" sites, it was a funny list

one of the tips was along the lines of "when writing a letter to her imagine her showing it to all her friends and/or new boyfriend and them all laughing at how pathetic you are...." (now I'm not saying you're pathetic OP but such a scenario would put you off sending letters...)

and is it me or do these break-ups seem to affect guys a lot worse than women........? just something I've noticed in PI

Dax Wax

yeah! seems to be all blokes with the prob, women deal with if differently. plus theres the fact that when ya finally want to move on its way easier for a girl to pull then a bloke, its just the way things are. a so called "good lookin" bloke has a less chance of pulling then a not so good looking girl, regardless of personality. its society really!!

Theres no more contact, its jsut weird cas I she was my best friend and a part of my family...but ah well

LegacyUser

I can personally relate to this thread. so can alot of people. the aftermath as he calls it is tough. This girl he was with could be leaving the life of reilly and nothing seems fair. you do end up in a rut, you do look to some friends. Others blank you completely,some are there for you. if your a woman its easier to get over it, especially if you've a large bunch of friends, its okay for women to be sad and depressed and cry etc over a breakup. Not an easy thing to do for a guy who has just been hurt, and seeing that you are still in pain over this I really feel sorry for you. your whole life twisted upside down. But it will get better sure it has too. If you were female I genuinely think it would be easier for you.Let the slaughtering commence

ARGINITE

Dax Wax wrote:

Everyday since she has gone is like groundhog day.

I know how you feel, nearly a year has passed since the exact same thing happened to me and I still love her.

Dax Wax

ARGINITE wrote:

I know how you feel, nearly a year has passed sine the exact same thing happened to me and I still love her.

yea, everyday seems the same. Arsin around just thinkin about it. I have tried the go to the pub be young and single and puttin a smile on my face but it keeps on coming back in to my head. Everyone has there problems but Ive come to the conclusion that Im not happy anymore. It made me happy, kinda gave a purpose to everything, made me feel wanted and for the first time I actually wanted somebody else in my life through everything. I think that after all the years we were together, and even after all the times she said how scary it would be if I left her etc (only recent after the breakup she was still saying such things), it was just all to much for her. so i must do what the all say - move on, get a life, get some help, stay active etc. Easy Peasy

ARGINITE

Arsin around just thinkin about it

I try to avoid that, I know what I want from my final year in college and intend on getting it. So it leaves little time to do nothing, but when I have time to relax all i seem to do then is think about her. Some of the time I wish it would all just go away and other times I wish I could just wake up beside her.

Dax Wax

I dread the thoughts of running into her. its still eatin me up. cant bloody take it anymore to be honest

ergo

Dax Wax wrote:

I dread the thoughts of running into her. its still eatin me up. cant bloody take it anymore to be honest

listen Dax, we, at boards (or even on boards) are here for you

we are proof that , yes it is one of the toughest, if not the toughest things for a person to go through, but yes, it also gets better

have you watched "Swingers" yet?, if not, go get it, (and no, it's not porn)

what will happen is that as you go about your life, getting on with things you will probably meet a girl who gives you a hint of the butterflies in the stomach, and will make your realise that there is a different world out there than the one you had imagined for yourself for the past few years with your ex

even if this girl is not the one or whatever it'll be what you need to get past where you've been

now it's still too soon

yes, the thoughts of meeting the ex are tough, really really tough, there's not much too say really, if you can somehow avoid that meet for as long as possible (all the while getting on with things, life in general etc, yes easy for me to say)and then maybe meet on neutral ground for coffee or whatever (and with absolutely no notions of a reunion )that might be the best way to go

but for now maybe best avoided

hang in there

Corksham

I think a large ammount of people have been through and are going through it. I lived with my ex for three odd years, Im 30 now and havent seen or heard from her in nearly 4 years and I will think of her for the rest of my life - I took me well over a year to get over her, I ruined another relationship subconciously comparing the two, but its a life experience and believe me when it say this too will pass, you will eventually get over her, take all the time that you need personally (I tried to drink the country dry for the first six months) but you'll be inured by the experience.
W C Fields said he could sum up life in three words "It goes on", just try to occupy your time, call old friends (if they are true friends they'll be glad to go for pints etc.. with ya)

Dax Wax

ergo wrote:

yes, the thoughts of meeting the ex are tough, really really tough, there's not much too say really, if you can somehow avoid that meet for as long as possible (all the while getting on with things, life in general etc, yes easy for me to say)and then maybe meet on neutral ground for coffee or whatever (and with absolutely no notions of a reunion )that might be the best way to go

not gonna happen, we tried to be friendly but ended up saying things we shouldn't have. she loved me for 5 years, i loved her but she has other people and things to fall back on. if she can instantly end it and live a new life then she can instantly forget us and stop caring about me and what we had. Women can do that, its okay for them to be upset and cry on someones shoulders, and if they are in the slightess way possible attractive they can have there pick of fellas-easier for them either way.

I know Im groaning about it all, I can see it every time i type something but this is how Ive felt everyday for the last few months. I havent seen that film but will do my best to this weekend.

AllMessedUp

very same as me boss, i miss her like hell! Its really hard. I wish she would jsut talk to me as mates, but I think it would all be just too hard for both of us. cant change the past i suppose. must move on someway. I think it could take me a good year but ya cant really put a timescale on it.

thats enough of cryin from me ive a project to do!!!

good luck with it all it will not be easy. Im still bloody hurtin. women aye!

patchouli

Dax Wax wrote:

----she can instantly forget us and stop caring about me and what we had. Women can do that, its okay for them to be upset and cry on someones shoulders, and if they are in the slightess way possible attractive they can have there pick of fellas-easier for them either way.

Dax, it's not true to say that a break up is necessarily "easier" for a woman. It may have been easier for your ex(but you don't know this for sure), because maybe she had fallen out of love - nothing to do with her gender.
Also, grief and hurt affects everyone. There is no way of measuring it.

I am female, and going through the aftermath of a break up - it is the worst time of my life. I can't imagine ever feeling more hurt and alone. I find myself in tears almost every day, but I don't let other people see this. If I'm in a room with other people and I'm reminded of him, I force myself to divert my mind to something else, or else I leave the room.
It's tempting to daydream and remember what has been lost, but it only deepens the pain, so I try to stop this when it starts.
I have some photos of us together that I haven't gone near since we split and I will not look at them for a long time.

I can't really give any advice here, as I am still very raw from my own break up. I can't say that time is a healer - I need more time to find that out! I am trying to think positive and trying to make plans to move on and start afresh, even though sometimes it's very very difficult. But I have no other choice.

scojones

It's crap alright buddy. Broke up with my ex in July, going for four years, were living together, on the verge of getting engaged to be married. I thought the first two or so months were the worst, but it's actually not getting any better. It's not just her I miss, it's her family and the friends I made through her. We just have to hang in there. I'm moving to New Zealand in May to get away for a year or two, hopefully that will sort me out, that's the plan anyway. Take care buddy, you're not the only one going through this - it's better that it ended now than if it was a broken up marraige and kids were involved.

The way I think about it is, she wanted to leave, and I loved her so I didn't want to hold her back, so I let her go. I sacrificed my sadness for her happiness. I'd rather her be happy and me sad, than the other way around - because I love her that much. We are all going through this and we will get over it. Just hang in there.

AllMessedUp

sjones wrote:

It's crap alright buddy. Broke up with my ex in July, going for four years, were living together, on the verge of getting engaged to be married.

Thats one of the things that scared my exgirl off(engagement), killer when ya think your doin the most exciting thing in yor life and hers to find out she doesnt feel the same way and wants out. I too thought the first 2 months were bad but for me its not getting better, and worst of all is that she's well able to be without me after all those lovely "I'll always love you, I'll never leave you baby" letters. She'd laugh if she saw this. thats the killer. dont understand it how you can be madly in love with someone and then just not ever want to speak to them again(probably for the best but still dont understand it). I know that I never would of ended it, because I cared and loved her too much, I thought that those feelings could never be altered, at least I wanted to think that. Hopefully it will get better for us all, and anyone that reads these threads that are thinking of breaking up with someone and aren't sure, hopefully it will make them think twice

Dax Wax

Having a bad night tonight, up to nothing much just stayed at home at watched the bog channels. Am I so different from other people that it takes this long to get over somebody? is it that pathetic and pitable to want for someone that badly who doesnt love you anymore and there is a slight chance she might hate me for no reason? I log on to boards, use it as a place to let stuff out and hear others opinions but Im starting to really think this isn't healthy or normal anymore

AllMessedUp

Dax Wax wrote:

Having a bad night tonight,

Am I so different from other people that it takes this long to get over somebody?

is it that pathetic and pitable to want for someone that badly who doesnt love you anymore and there is a slight chance she might hate me for no reason?

yoll probably have plenty more bad nights, its just when you have good ones you should make the most of them.

No your not different, I'm taking a long time too and if you look through or boards you'll see alot of both men and women take ages to get over theire exs, and make idiots out of themselves (maybe thats just me!!)

No is not "pathetic and pitable", and anyone who says it is is a fool. Heal in your own time, thats what Im doing. I think my ex hates me too, but I try to block it out of my mind, i know eventually i'll move on from it. what ever her reason is for disregarding you she will probably regret it.

LegacyUser

I wanna ring my x girlfriend right now, always wanted what we used to have back again. I cry almost every night and for a guy thats 27 its not right it cant be. hope you dont turn out like me. we broke up a year this Christmas and I havent recovered.

Wish you luck you will need it. When you love somebody and your heart gets broken, and when they turn into the most nastiest people when you are around, you experience the worst feeling in your life.

Im bitter,jealous,lonely,hurt,scared and insecure. dont end up like me.

LegacyUser

Known feelin' wrote:

I wanna ring my x girlfriend right now, always wanted what we used to have back again. I cry almost every night and for a guy thats 27 its not right it cant be. hope you dont turn out like me. we broke up a year this Christmas and I havent recovered.

Wish you luck you will need it. When you love somebody and your heart gets broken, and when they turn into the most nastiest people when you are around, you experience the worst feeling in your life.

Im bitter,jealous,lonely,hurt,scared and insecure. dont end up like me.

If you read back through the other posts, there are many people feeling extremely hurt, depressed and sad over similar break-ups. I suppose in reading through them, the common thread is all of you are grieving for something that has gone from your lives; but something which has gone without your permission. The end of any significant human relationship (whether it is with a boy/girl friend or just a friend) is often followed by the same sense of loss and grieving process as that which occurs after a death.

On the basis of what I have read above - many of you are in fact grieving the death of your relationship and more importantly, the loss of the role you had in that relationship and in that other person's life. You are no longer the girl/boyfriend of someone else, and part of their life; you're back to just being you again. The difficulty with being back on your own again is that it makes you re-assess your own place in the world and where your life is going. This can be particularly hard when the relationship was particularly close or endured a long time.

Grief is never anthing that can be defined by time - so don't limit yourselves in terms of thinking after 3 weeks, 6 months, or 1 year you should have moved on. You will move on when you are ready to do so and be prepared that it may take you longer than others. It's normal to cry, to be sad and to feel utterly alone in a street or a room full of people or even among a group of your friends. Take your time, smile and look around you. There are small pleasures in everything - enjoying the company of others, laughing at silly jokes, a beautiful sky, new shoes or a warm bath. Silly I know, but just examples that you deserve to be good to yourself so a little treat every now and again won't do you any harm. It's important too, to remember to eat nutritious food and get enough sleep - difficult I know when you feel like this.

In the meantime, try to find something (anything) you enjoy to get your mind off things. It doesnt' matter whether it involves taking up a new hobby, remembering an old one, getting fit, or just walking the dog. Remember, getting up off the sofa/out from under the duvet is the hardest part.

Things will get better for all of you. If you feel you cannot cope however, don't be afraid to ask for help. There are professional counselling services available (see Golden Pages) who can guide you through these dark, difficult days.

A friend once told me that 'there's a lid for every saucepan', so even though you don't believe it now, you will fall in love again with someone who appreciates and loves you for the person you are.

Best of luck to you all.