Laugh at the Elderly

Hagar · 06-11-2005 8:10am #1

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and cried, "Holy Crap! Am I driving?"

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.

The seventy year old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour because my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing." said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."

The ninety year old says, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig."

The eighty year old looked at the seventy year old, then looked back at the ninety year old incredulously and asked, "So what's your problem?"

The ninety year old replies, "I don't wake up till eleven."

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, "Where are you going?"

The elderly man replied, "To the doctor."

Surprised his wife asked "Why, are you sick?"

"No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

With that his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater.

Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to the doctor, too".

"Why?"

She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using that rusty, old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked ''How many?''

The man replied, ''Just a few, maybe a half dozen, I cut each one into four pieces.''

The pharmacist said, ''That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex.''

The old fellow said, ''Oh, I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.''

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a 12 inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand - the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

An 85 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up. After examining him, the doctor proclaims him in excellent health for his age.

The man says, "Hey Doc, I need to ask you a question. When I was 25, I would wake up with a hard on like a steel pipe - I couldn't turn that thing with both hands!"

"Yes", said the doctor, "That is normal for that age."

"And," said the old guy, "When I was 50, I could turn it with one hand."

"Yes, that happens." said the doctor.

"Now", said the old guy, "I can bend it with one finger!"

"That's normal for your age." replied the doc.

"But Doc", said the old fellow, "When am I going to stop getting stronger?"

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
You're getting old when...
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

You're getting old when...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

You're getting old when...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

You're getting old when...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of the police.

You're getting old when...
"Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today."

You're getting old when...
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when...
An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!