Stuck in a rut!

LegacyUser

I know this is probably a trivial topic compared to the other topics, but I really need some strong advice:
a few years ago while in sec school I got to know this girl really well and we got on great, we were friends but to cut to the chase we both left school and went our seperate ways , we talked a good few times after but we were always busy and stuff so we never really tried hard to keep things going,At the time I was mad about her but never said a thing, cause well, I knew it wasn't mutual, she was mad into a few other fella's. shes been the first and only girl I ever fell for.
I'm now in my second year of college, its been well over a year since I talked to her but still can't get her out of my head, i'll be sitting there in a lecture my mind will start to drift and I will be thinking of her,I know it all sounds really sad and lame that I can like a girl who never expressed any interest in me (nothing more than friendship), but what am I to do?
I tried to block her out and it kind of worked, but I at the end of the day I always have her in the back of mind.
I tried contacting her againn with the odd text but never get a response back (I know she has the same no.) so I presumed she just wants to get on with her life, I'm probably just some lad she knew for a while and not worth the couple of cent to text back.
I contemplated sending her flowers but what's the point, flowers can't make somebody like you, also i would probly look like a right stalker!
Another problem is that I always put her on a pedastal and if I start getting to know a new girl (which is once in a blue moon , cause I got a crap social life and i'm not good looking) I tend to compare them.
I've tried to join societies (non-sporting cause i'm not athletic) and all to enlarge my social life but it doesn't really work cause frankly I am not that opinionated about topics or interested in things (except computers, reading, my course and travelling), and even they aren't that exciting.Also i'm not one for always going out on the piss, so I don't get drunk and end up meeting a girl - I have no interest in just going out and getting locked and getting some random girl (she'd need to be blind to end up with me), cause it's just not me.

I'm at my wits end about this and feel like i'm just a robot doing tasks all day and not really giving a ****. This is probly the crapest I've ever felt, not low or depressed just a bit hopeless ands bored with the way my life is panning out.I got a good family and friends that keep me going and I always try to stay positive about something.
I know i'm probably wasting the best years of my life but can't get out of this rut,If anyone out there been in the same place let me know how I can get out and do stuff.
thanks all.

Sleepy

You know the answer to this yourself already. Get over her and leave the past where it belongs. Take a look around, you're in college and there are good looking women all over the place. Join some clubs or societies and get out there, you'll meet other women to fall for...

Nasty_Girl

I think you need to work on your self esteem before you do anything. There are plenty of girls out there who will find you attractive, fun and interesting, but you're blocking them off straight away because you don't feel you're good enough for them or that they are good enough for you.
Forget the other one, I know that's hard but you need to set your self free.

Mr.Nice Guy

Get a grip man!Women come and go but YOU last forever.

Get over your inferiority complex.There are plenty of good women out there and they eat,sleep and crap like the rest of us!
I agree with Sleepy.You need to realise that a woman can't make you happy.Having a woman is a bonus in your life.If you want to be happy YOU have to make it happen.Take up something you are passionate about.

Some words of advice that I find helpful:

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."-Anais Nin.

Sitting in front of a computer screen won't fix your life,YOU have to.Tomorrow make a vow that you will do something scary and uncomfortable.Try to strike up a conversation with a girl with the goal of just being friendly.If you're "hopeless and bored" with the way your life is,THEN FIX IT!

Good luck my friend.

OfflerCrocGod

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

Get a grip man!Women come and go but YOU last forever

Or until you die. Whichever comes first. As has already been said in this thread Mr. Lost - Get over it.

Victor

Mr. Lost wrote:

I contemplated sending her flowers but what's the point, flowers can't make somebody like you, also i would probly look like a right stalker!

Probably.

I strongly suspect you are chasing a lost caused and need to move on.

How do you know she has the same phone number? Have you enquired?

deirdre dearg

that sounds like an awful situation to be in. it's horrible living day to day with someone on your mind that you know you can't really have. it sounds a bit like she's moved on, and sometimes that's the best thing to do. if she's never texted back that probably means she's not worth talking to. it's hard, but you need to forget about her.

she's the symptom, or mask that's covering the true problem- your low self image. you think you're unattractive, boring and not exciting enough. . do your friends and family think this about you? do you really and truely believe it? look at where you got this image of yourself. how can you change the image. there's often room for improving yourself, but at the end of the day, you are who you are and you have to accept yourself

romantic relationships are based on friendship, as are all relationships. so look at the positive quaities you posses that your friends like about you. focus on them. let youself love yourself!

the only way you will ever meet someone is by being yourself, and letting go of all your qualms about looks and personality. if you were that bad, you'd have nobody to talk to at all.

what i'm trying to say is, that romance can't make you happy. this girl can't. only YOU can. i reccomend '7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens' by Sean Covey. it's gearded at young people in general, and it's amazing. i've become such a better person. try it. good luck.
http://parentingteens.about.com/library/ecommerce/aafpr102601c.htm

LegacyUser

thanks all, I'm greatful for all the advice, I have decided (once and for all) to forget the girl and change my life a bit, obviously she still has a place in my heart but I guess she's only human and wishing her back aint going to help.I know i'm being silly about the whole thing but sometimes its hard to tell ourselves what to do.
Deirdre, I will definitely get that book, I've being read various pieces on the web and i've realised that there is a million people out there just like me and eventually one day i'll click with someone.

Thanks all you've being a great help, sometimes the hardest thing is not being able to openly talk about the stuff in your head.

ven0m

I used to have the exact same problem mate, but what others have said is right. You CANNOT live your life in the past or spend your days dreaming/thinking about what might have been. If you spend today thinking about yesterday, you miss out on today & any of the good/bad **** that goes with it.

You need to also remember that YOU (yes you!) come first in your life, & that YOU are entitled to happiness, but that doesn't mean you sit on your a$$ waiting for it to show up - you go out & grab it with both hands.

Life is for living & is not like waiting for a bus.... You can either live it, or let it pass you by or get stuck in traffic while sitting on it....

Go out, have fun, meet new people. Do things that you wouldn't normally do - sometimes it's good to 'live out of your own skin' for a while - just don't go getting tattooed or something - get an ear piercing, cut your hair a different way, dress different for a while - have fun - you're only young once & you've a whole lot of living ahead of you - so you may as well go do tons of mad stuff now while you still can, have relatively few or no real responsibilities & discover what you want from life & somewhere along the way you'll meet someone...

You can't go looking for love & expect to find it - it'll usually appear when you least expect it - & when it does, relax, take it as it comes & go with the flow - you'll enjoy it more!!! As someone who's been in YOUR shoes, trust me - it does get better, & way cooler my friend!!!!


::: ven0mous :::

deirdre dearg

i'm so glad that you feel a bit better
you're dead right, it is better to talk things out, and often you'll come up with a solution just by talking.
good luck

tribble

Mr. Lost wrote:

I know this is probably a trivial topic compared to the other topics, but I really need some strong advice:
a few years ago while in sec school I got to know this girl really well and we got on great, we were friends but to cut to the chase we both left school and went our seperate ways , we talked a good few times after but we were always busy and stuff so we never really tried hard to keep things going,At the time I was mad about her but never said a thing, cause well, I knew it wasn't mutual, she was mad into a few other fella's. shes been the first and only girl I ever fell for.

We've all been there, done that. Seriously.

Mr. Lost wrote:

I'm now in my second year of college, its been well over a year since I talked to her but still can't get her out of my head, i'll be sitting there in a lecture my mind will start to drift and I will be thinking of her,I know it all sounds really sad and lame that I can like a girl who never expressed any interest in me (nothing more than friendship), but what am I to do?
I tried to block her out and it kind of worked, but I at the end of the day I always have her in the back of mind.

There's no point trying to get her out of your head, you won't forget her until you either...
1/ Change the situation (house, college etc) which cause you to think of her (that's why many smokers fail to give up, the environment reminds them that that's what they used to do in that situation ie pub = smoke, phonecall = smoke, wake up in bed = smoke. - your environment is prompting you to think of her)
or...
2/ This is the better option in my opinion - get a new girl. From first hand experience this appears to be the most conclusive cure. Think of it as the methadone (sp?) treatment for infatuation, it's a substitute addiction but more readily available.

Mr. Lost wrote:

I tried contacting her againn with the odd text but never get a response back (I know she has the same no.) so I presumed she just wants to get on with her life, I'm probably just some lad she knew for a while and not worth the couple of cent to text back.

Personally I doubt she is ignoring you - she probably either 1/ changed her number, 2/ lost you number so can't ID you. 3/got the messages at really inopportune (sp?) times.

Mr. Lost wrote:

I contemplated sending her flowers but what's the point, flowers can't make somebody like you, also i would probly look like a right stalker!
Another problem is that I always put her on a pedastal and if I start getting to know a new girl (which is once in a blue moon , cause I got a crap social life and i'm not good looking) I tend to compare them.

If you can hold off comparing them for the first few times you meet them then you'll find familiarity (sp?) breeds not contempt (as the saying goes) but love.
(I'm only a first year (i'm 23) psychology student but we learn that yeaterday!, along with environmental suggestion I mentioned above).

Mr. Lost wrote:

I've tried to join societies (non-sporting cause i'm not athletic) and all to enlarge my social life but it doesn't really work cause frankly I am not that opinionated about topics or interested in things (except computers, reading, my course and travelling), and even they aren't that exciting.Also i'm not one for always going out on the piss, so I don't get drunk and end up meeting a girl - I have no interest in just going out and getting locked and getting some random girl (she'd need to be blind to end up with me), cause it's just not me.

Ok. Firstly girls aren't as concerned with a guys appearence.
Neat and clean is essential BUT - have you noticed that the more you hang round with a girl the better she looks? That goes for girls aswell, it's a defence mechanism hardwired into primates (among others). Stick with your societies - go drinking with them, stick to coke if you want, but go.

Also - does you college have a gym?
I wasn't/am not the most alethic guy in the world. But this September I joined the gym in UCD (€165, now about €225 but worth it). I go three times a week. I got addicted to the endorphins that are released when I steped into the changing rooms afterwards. Now I can't stop going or I feel like sh1t - it's fantastic. (you will need to go a few times to develop a routine).

(BTW just in case you need motovation - I started on a 2km jog with 3 sets of 50 on the weight machines for the first week. It damn near killed me, I couldn't walk the next day (seriously). - Now I run 5k, the same weights (but 30% heavier) and I feel like God for a few hours afterwards, all without so much as a stiff calf. PS remember to strech and get to like soya protein (it's muck, but once you associate it with the endorphines then you get to like it) in you orange juice (30 grams (1 scoop) after excercise - but this is probably more important to me 'cos im a veggie).

Mr. Lost wrote:

I'm at my wits end about this and feel like i'm just a robot doing tasks all day and not really giving a ****. This is probly the crapest I've ever felt, not low or depressed just a bit hopeless ands bored with the way my life is panning out.I got a good family and friends that keep me going and I always try to stay positive about something.

Yeah - girls/college/work/life in general do that to me too. I spent the last few months convincing myself that life is pointless... and I suceeded (see my "is life worth living" thread in philosophy for good resource suggestions by some of the guys and gals over there). I read Albert Camus as suggested by the good DadaKopf - was fasinating (sp?)

Mr. Lost wrote:

Until I know i'm probably wasting the best years of my life but can't get out of this rut,If anyone out there been in the same place let me know how I can get out and do stuff.
thanks all.

Yeah you are - I went back to college just to get them back (and being a first year again is cool! if a little expensive :eek: ).

I only replied to your thread 'cos of how very recently I felt the same way.

I squared myself with the absurdity that is life, am taking a shot at the girl that haunted me and am fitter than I've ever been - and that's in the last few weeks! Before that I was in your shoes.


If you want anymore then post here (and PM me, otherwise i won't notice)


tribble

Mr.Nice Guy

tribble wrote:

Also - does you college have a gym?
I wasn't/am not the most alethic guy in the world. But this September I joined the gym in UCD (€165, now about €225 but worth it). I go three times a week. I got addicted to the endorphins that are released when I steped into the changing rooms afterwards. Now I can't stop going or I feel like sh1t - it's fantastic. (you will need to go a few times to develop a routine).

Yes,I've heard joining a gym can do wonders for a person's confidence.What's the UCD gym like?I'm interested in joining it myself but I'd be worried I wouldn't have a clue what to do once I got in there.How do you know what weights to use etc.?

tribble

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

Yes,I've heard joining a gym can do wonders for a person's confidence.What's the UCD gym like?I'm interested in joining it myself but I'd be worried I wouldn't have a clue what to do once I got in there.How do you know what weights to use etc.?

UCD gym is pretty good (cheaper than most and AFAIK the biggest of it's kind in the country). As an added bonus, you get to gawk at the cute arts students/what ever your having yourself.

An unwritten rule for gyms is that they must have a really hot girl on reception to say "Hi" to all the people coming in.
So what if she's paid to say it, it puts me in a good mood:)

I don't make much use of them myself but included in the membership for all gyms is a fitness instructor. They show newbies around the gym, how to use the equipment etc. They also do out a excercise chart for you with targets and whatnot. Personally I just stick to cardio and upperbody strenght.

There's also a free weights section (as oppose to weights machines) downstairs at the back but that's inhabited by guys who look like they wouldn't fit into anything but a sleeveless vest and a toga.

Once you go a few times you get to know the machines and you settle into a routine.

I always go during the afternoon, it's open 'till 2100 or 2200.
I once went at 1900 (friday) and it was busy (but not packed).

Do have a girlfriend?

tribble