In love with a friend..

Victor_Meldrew

Well yeah, as the title says, it's the same old 'men and women can never be normal friends' type of thing. I'm a 22-year-old guy and my best friend is a girl. I've had feelings for her for quite a while now, but didn't want to potentially damage our friendship by acting upon those feelings. Anyway, recently we were messing around and ended up kissing, which was lovely. However, she got really upset straight afterwards, when I told her how I felt about her. She said she felt 'really confused' and although she said she does have feelings for me, she doesn't want to be my girlfriend because her last boyfriend was also a friend beforehand and after they broke up, the friendship was gone forever. It took her a long time to get over that, and she doesn't want to go through the same thing again and lose me as a friend. The trouble is, I don't know whether to believe her or not. I'm quite paranoid and insecure about these things and can't help but feel that she doesn't have any feelings for me, beyond friendship and just wanted to let me down gently. Surely if she genuinely does like me 'in that way', she'd be prepared to take the risk? I really don't know what to do. Should I maybe wait and ask her again some time? Should I 'take the hint' that she just doesn't want to be my girlfriend?

Erm... that's it really. Any help gratefully received

LegacyUser

Hey,
I had a situation that was kind of the same, I ended up in bed with a real good friend of mine one night and then again a few months later.
We got on perfect together, real close and then that had to happen.
I was really confused over the whole thing at the start, and kinda pissed off cause she refused to talk about it, so i don't know, I was kind of hurt by the whole situation but I got over it and then suddenly, it happens again and stirrs up the old feelings again..
Nothing ever came of it, relationship wise, strange ol' friendship these days though, teasing each other over bedroom manner etc.
If i were you, id put it behind me and just look back and laugh at it and don't act awkward about the whole thing.Of course it's gonna be important that you talk to each other about it, but you should just say "lets just leave it as a once off, I don't want to **** up the good friendships weve got" or something similar..Even though you yourself may not want to do it, at least you'll come out of it with your friendship intact, cause if you start asking her about what she wants to do i.e relationship wise, or nag about it and then get awkward, you can kiss your friendship goodbye.

jrey1981

From experience I would say Lord help you...judging by your post you've known her for quite a while and 'connected' as friends rather than it just being lust, so you're well on the slippery slope.

I'm not one for quoting the bible, but one quote I saw in a newspaper a while back is: 'Love is patient and kind'

Then again, Led Zeppelin said: 'When love is pain it can devour you'

and Phil Collins: 'You can't hurry love, you just have to wait'

Billy Joel: 'Tell her about it, tell her everything you feel'

Sorry if these are completely useless, but hang in there, don't pressurise her in any way and you never know in time you might have the beginning of something great.

Gordon

I've had two females mention the "I'm confused" phrase to me. I don't touch "confused" girls with a barge pole anymore.

I don't get it though - she was kissing you and then she realised that you liked her and she backed off? Did you go the whole hog and say that you loved her? Does she normally kiss her mates like she kissed you?! Yes, she seems a tad confused. I wouldn't pursue it but then I have less years of my life to waste trying hopelessly in vain than you.

Rock Climber

Victor_Meldrew wrote:

Surely if she genuinely does like me 'in that way', she'd be prepared to take the risk?

yup you're right.
In my experience, you're better off moving on,if theres gonna be nothing there.
If she felt enough about you there should be no question but that ye would be an item by now.
Move on to someone else and dont let this fester.
There is of course the possibility that when she see's that you have moved on that she may show an interest again.
Be warey of that too,take your time before jumping back in,but hopefully you'll have found someone better by then anyway.

tribble

Gordon wrote:

I've had two females mention the "I'm confused" phrase to me. I don't touch "confused" girls with a barge pole anymore.

TBH - I can see where the confusion arose.
If I were you Gordon I'd leave the bargepole at home next time.

Oh - and to the original poster - sorry, I have no idea you should do.

tribble

LegacyUser

the girl was kissing you because she probably wanted to fool around and then pretend to be embarressed about it afterwards and not be thought of as a slut. Which can happen a lot between friends.
Then when you came out with all this love stuff she was thinking "oh no, this isnt just a friend thing any more" and bailed. She was just letting you down gently.

End of story.

Gordon

tribble wrote:

If I were you Gordon I'd leave the bargepole at home next time.

The last two times I have tried to unconfuse a situation I have ended up spending my time flogging a dead horse. I ended up feeling awful because I felt that I was so close to being with these two special somebodies and having a relationship. Looking back on it, it was simply a waste of my time trying to have a relationship with these women as it turns out that their confusion was simply "I'm not sure if I should be with you".

The next time someone thinks "I'm not sure if I want to be with you" I'm going to get my bargepole out. It doesn't mean that you can't be friends afterwards. I'm very good friends with one of the women (whose situation was quite like Mr. Meldrew's). The other woman is still a friend of mine and I enjoy seeing her.

/me goes off to the Naval School of Seamen's Products to buy a mechanical self automated barge pole..

Ren0

She could just be holding off for a while, trying to take her time at it.

However she said she had feelings for you, which don't just go away, so she'll have to do something to deal with them.

As for your insecurity, i doubt she'd have said she "likes you" if she didn't mean it.

Anywho, this is up to you. You need to decide whether or not to take the risk on asking her again.

If you don't say anything then your feelings for her will tear you up inside.

If you do say something and it goes wrong you could lose your best friend (but then what sort of friendship would it be if it couldn't survive that)

The winner: You tell her how you feel again, she reciprocates and you live happily ever after.

My advice is that you should tell her.

Good Luck!

Mr.Nice Guy

Victor_Meldrew wrote:

However,she got really upset straight afterwards, when I told her how I felt about her.

There's your mistake right there.What did you tell her how you felt for?You put the ball in her court.You should've played it cool and acted nonchalant and waited for her to bring things up.I know you meant well but unfortunately women are a complicated lot and you should've given her space.

"Should I maybe wait and ask her again some time?"

NO!This would be a major mistake and could even damage your friendship.My advice is to do two one of two things.You can continue seeing her in the hope you get to fool around with her once more(and then handle the aftermath better),or you could take the other option of cutting off contact with her.You say it happened recently,therefore if you ignore her for a while she'll begin to think about you and your absence from her life will drive her crazy.This is a risky option though and you should judge things carefully.
Whatever you do,do NOT make your feelings known again.Good luck to you anyway.....

Victor_Meldrew

Thanks for the replies

The more I think about it, the more I know that she definitely does have feelings for me. In a perverse kind of a way, I kind of wish that she didn't. Maybe it would have been easier if she'd just said, "I'm sorry, I like you as a friend, but nothing more than that". I'm pretty pragmatic and would have just accepted that and maybe felt a bit depressed for a couple of days, but got over it much quicker. Instead, I feel like I'm in some sort of 'limbo'.

I suppose I did put the ball in her court (so to speak) really, which may have been silly. You see, I'm not the type of guy to actively seek a girlfriend - in fact I've never really had a great deal of interest in having a girlfriend or any of that kind of stuff. To put it mildly, I'm not exactly a 'ladies man'. This thing just kind of 'happened' - it started off as a friendship, and I fell for her. Couldnae do nought about it. She has the advantage of knowing that I'm not going to get myself hooked up with some other girl and if she does really like me, she has the luxury of being able to bide her time and take things further when she feels ready to. I like the idea of 'ignoring her for a while' though - or at least appearing 'less eager' in the hope that absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

Oooooh, I wish I was gay or something

LegacyUser

Yes that's it. She obviously has feelings for you because we all know that when girls tell you, albeit in a nice way, that they're not interested, they really are.

Yes. This is how things work. Now if you'll excuse me it's 61 minutes past 13 here in denial land, and I gots to go to work.

nobodythere

Do you think it'd freak her out if you used the L(ove) word with her? Tell her life is too short to take chances, though I would agree that even though you think your friendship can never be harmed by breaking up a relationship, it really can be. Especially when it's nowhere near a mutual breakup.

Victor

grasshopa wrote:

Tell her life is too short to take chances

Isn't it "life is too short to not take chances?"

Victor_Meldrew, you only get one shot at this, digging it up in a few months will only hurt.

Selik

Slgihtly similar situation with myself and a friend of mine at the moment Victor.

All I can say is men and women are very different and THINK very differently about things. First of all in my opinion men are always more willing to take risks - especially when it comes to women and sex. The fact that this girl is confused is not a good sign for you. The chances are she's using you to boost her ego while she waits/hopes/looks around for someone else to come along. This isn't helped by the fact that you're not a "ladies man" as you say yourself. Like alot of attractive girls, she knows that she can have you if she really wants to. Easy for her. Annoying That's not a slant on you or anything I've been in the same situation. You've already laid down your cards so to speak and she hasn't quite revealed hers and possibly doesn't want to for various reasons or indeed might never. Obviously she enjoyed the fool around and by her stating that she had no feelings for you in "that" way she would probably jeopardise the chances of it happening again as well as possibly igniting a slow-brooding resentment of the situation by yourself.

My advice? Just go with the flow and enjoy things and try and hook up with as many other girls as possible. It's amazing how fast "supposed" feelings can fade into the background when you have something else (ie another bird!) to focus your energies on.

You might end up with her in time who knows but don't put all your eggs in one basket. Enjoy your life and let her see that!

nobodythere

Victor wrote:

Isn't it "life is too short to not take chances?"

Victor_Meldrew, you only get one shot at this, digging it up in a few months will only hurt.

Aye, whoops :rolleyes:

Ren0

Victor_Meldrew wrote:

Oooooh, I wish I was gay or something

Don't we all


Anywho, have u decided what to do yet?

Victor_Meldrew

I'll invest in a tight t-shirt, some fake tan, get a taste for Bacardi Breezers and head down to play bingo in The George.

No, I'm gonna do nothing. 'Snot worth ruining a strong friendship over. If anything happens, it happens - if it doesn't, well that's life

cajun_tiger

give her time and space and resect the decision thats going to be made . may it be that you get together or not. your her friend she doesnt want to loose you , you both have feelings for each other yet theres the fear of what if's and buts. treat her as a friend love her respect her and treasure her. things may work out just give it time,

landser

Victor_Meldrew wrote:

she doesn't want to be my girlfriend because her last boyfriend was also a friend beforehand and after they broke up, the friendship was gone forever. :

that's your answer... the girl's bad news. some women (and men) thrive on drama and can't seem to live without some form of crisis or other going on. what better drama than "ohh, he's such a good friend, what'll i do???" if you were such a good friends, she wouldn't be wrecking your head. either give her a wide berth or tell her the truth and demand an answer... if she really thinks anything of you, she'll give it to you straight. as for the friendship, if it ends, it ends, better than moping about it and getting down.

Ren0

However the friendship may become too strong for anything to happen then you'll just be unhappy.

you never know, maybe this is a perfect world and it'll all work out.

Kell

Get over it man-

Typedef her sister and if she gets upset, just say "well, I could have Typedef'd you if you got your head together sooner".

K-

The Corinthian

Gordon wrote:

The last two times I have tried to unconfuse a situation I have ended up spending my time flogging a dead horse.

You're lucky. The last time I tried to unconfuse a situation she wanted to use the whip on me.