please help me with this!!

Silent Grape

hello, please please, please help, i really wanted to write a poem for a friend who's best friend passed away last week. im going to give it to him in a couple of weeks, and i really want it to be right.


The prelude she plays
On the ivory keys,
Wraps around her hair, her eyes,
Creates a peace that nothing living can understand,
Wisps over the lips
That touch you at night
In the black and grey comfort of her memories
The waiting is over,
And she plays her finale,
To the beat of their wings
And the sound of wings is her Nocturne,
And the sound of wings is her Chorus.


grrr, there's some things i really like about it and some things i really hate, it sounds so fnucking contrived! and the last two lines come too abruptly or something, ARGH.

summer_ina_bowl

i think its fine the way it is, i might change a bit bout the last two lines if it were mine but its not! I'd say leave it, the abruptness makes it feel raw, straight from the heart.

BEAT

I am going to help you with this,
I am at work , so give me a day.
also, pm me some backround if you dont mind...I may be able to offer more in way of adding/change.

I like what you have there though, it is workable

BEAT

ok this is what I came up with on my lunch hour,
I really like what you have silent grape, here is an idea of how to make it run smoother:

The Prelude she plays
on the ivory keys
none can comprehend.
Wisps of hair flowing cross hers eyes...
grazing her lips, wind on end.
The music she plays
touches you at night,
its graceful melody
caressing your soul.
In the static comfort
of her memories,
the waiting is over &
she plays her finale...
to the beat of thier wings.

The sound of wings is her chorus,
The song of wings her Opus.


*This is just an idea ofcourse, I could have added more but I didnt want to totally change what you have started.
Let me know what you think and what you decide to do with it.

I thought of adding this onto the end:

The light encompasses her,
her song lives on.

Silent Grape

okay so ive made my descision, thankyou so much for your input,
here's what i came up with;

The prelude she plays,
on the ivory keys,
wraps around her hair, her eyes,
creates a peace that nothing living can understand.

Wisps over the lips,
that kiss you,
in the black and grey comfort
of her memories

The waiting is over,
and now she can sleep,
and paly her finale
to the beat of their wings,

And the sound of wings
is her Nocturne,
And the sound of wings,
her chorus.



gave it to him and he loved it, so chuffed!

cheers again

meepmeep

BEAT wrote:

ok this is what I came up with on my lunch hour,
I really like what you have silent grape, here is an idea of how to make it run smoother:

The Prelude she plays
on the ivory keys
none can comprehend.
Wisps of hair flowing cross hers eyes...
grazing her lips, wind on end.
The music she plays
touches you at night,
its graceful melody
caressing your soul.
In the static comfort
of her memories,
the waiting is over &
she plays her finale...
to the beat of thier wings.

The sound of wings is her chorus,
The song of wings her Opus.


*This is just an idea ofcourse, I could have added more but I didnt want to totally change what you have started.
Let me know what you think and what you decide to do with it.

I thought of adding this onto the end:

The light encompasses her,
her song lives on.

Thats brilliant Beat!

Love it...