what to do when someone kills themselfs?

cajun_tiger

a good friend of mine died the other day and i dont know how do pull myself together. i'm at a loss. i just feel so cold and empty.

mycroft

For starts I'm really very sorry.

Suicide is the most common cause of the death among young males in Ireland today. Aside from the odd "what must be done" piece in the papers now and again no one seems to want to talk about it.

I've encountered three suicides in the past year. Two acquaintances and my uncle all took their own lives. The uncle was the most painful and the least painful at the same time. He was dying after ravaging his body for years (life long twenty a day man and an alcoholic) all he had to look forward to was years of hospital live support machines. But at the same time witnessing the pain his ending his life wrecked upon my mum and her sisters was incredibly difficult.

You'll be angry. You'll be angry at your friend for doing this and not reaching out to you and others. You'll be angry at yourself for not doing more and you'll agonise after the last times you met, and the signs you see in hindsight (or couldn't have seen but because you are beating yourself up you'll create them in your own mind). Not many people discuss the anger. But its there and it has to be coped with and dealt with.

You have your friends. And your friends family. Make a support network, encourage your friends to speak and to deal, and feel that they can call each other when they need to talk about how they're feeling. Make the effort and create this network for yours and their sakes. It's very important that you all feel you can talk to each other about all the feelings that this is going to evoke.

My sympathies, my condolences on your loss. My pm is always open.

climaxer

Cajun_tiger really sorry to hear of your loss..

I have lost an uncle and first cousin to suicide. Nothing can prepare you for how to feel. My cousin's 3 year anniversary was 2 months ago and my Aunt (his Mam) is still in bits. Even though we are all suffering still she is only functioning on this earth for the sake of her other two kids. Our family is still torn apart with grief. I don't want to go into too much detail of the circumstances but the day I got that call from my Grandad that my cousin had killed himself is still so clear in my mind. I still get a sick stomach to this day and like mycroft says you'll even be angry with yourself for not doing more. I also agree not to sweep over this topic - suicide is often a toboo subject in our society. We didn't really talk much about it at first but we wonder why he done it? One thing my Aunt did say was that she don't want her son to have died in vain and we are all to live our lives even better than we ever did and appreciate every day and all the good in our lives in honour of him. I often have gotten the strength to do something which I normally wouldn't have the confidence to do and this might sound stupid but its like I'm keeping my cousin's spirit alive by letting him inspire me to rise above the sh*t that is in the world today. As for my uncle well my Nanny died shortly after he committed suicide. I was 14 at the time and I staying with my Nanny for a few months after he died to keep her company. I saw a normally happy jolly woman crumble away. It was like the will to live was sucked from her too. She cried everyday for her son. She died from a weak heart. Its an awful tragic thing for anybody to have to go through and I'm sorry if I dont' make much sense but just want you to know I know that awful empty and numb feeling that you're feeling right now. It gets a bit better with time...

One thing I will say though is let yourself grieve and don't bottle up your feelings....

cajun_tiger

ANGER?i screamed and shouted wit a really close friend of mine and eventualy stormed out because he could get why i was upset
i've gone through it once before but this time its different. i lost an uncle to suicide(uncle being dads best friend who licved with us) but he was manc depressive scysophrenic and talled about doin it and how he'd do it and everything.
but this guy was different yes at times depressed ( kurt cobain follower)
but i dont know i cant understand why

PH01

Sorry to hear that Cajun and sorry that it was someone close to you.
I think everyone here knows someone who has taken their own lives - for me it was a cousin and a friend from school.
How to deal with it? Talk to someone you know and trust about it. You've just a right to grieve than anyone else.

I know more people who have died through suicide than were killed in car crashes. But car crashes make the headlines, suicides don't. More must be done to help these people.

ferdi

take comfort in the fact that, no matter what you believe happens to a person after they die, your friend is at peace now.

Sleepy

It may seem like a silly sugestion but I often find that it helps to go down to a beach and scream at the ocean (obviously choose a quiet beach or people will think you're a bit mad). It's a great way of venting anger and very therapeutic...

ven0m

cajun_tiger wrote:

a good friend of mine died the other day and i dont know how do pull myself together. i'm at a loss. i just feel so cold and empty.

I've had two people I know off themselves & to be frank I've also been in that position myself [i'm just thankful it failed now in retrospect]. There is very little you can do to get over this quickly or otherwise TBH. It is better to take time to deal with it - whether you deal with it well or not. Losing someone through ANY means really sucks & hurts, but when they off themselves it's even worse because rarely is there an answer why or a way to fully understand it.

Alot of people will tell you that suicide is 'a cowards way out', & I think it's such a naieve way of viewing it. It takes alot of mental anguish to put someone to the point where not only do they attempt it, but they actually succeed & that's not to glorify it - it's a horrible, lonely & desperate way to check out of life.

Best advice I can give you Cajun is to spend time & talk with your loved ones - it was the only I found being able to deal with it, or even remotely get a grip on it. But it is better to grieve & take whatever time that takes, because trying to 'put it to bed ASAP' is not the answer, & is not good for your head, or your heart.....

Might not be what you want to hear, but in time it does get better - but you never fully get over losing a friend or family member in that way. All you can do is 'cope'.

One option might be bereavement councilling, but some I know who went to it din;t find it helpful - but I think it's horses for courses. I wish you the best & hope you find a way to cope - but remmber you have family & friends around you who are there to be leant on......


::: ven0mous :::

MistressPandora

/me is close to tears.
I've attempted to take my own life countless times, even recently, and now I'm ashamed, because I know all the people I'd hurt by even trying. All I can do is offer a big hug and that if you need to rant, you can pm me.
People on boards will always support you.
/me holds out arms offering a big hug

mycroft

cajun_tiger wrote:

ANGER?i screamed and shouted wit a really close friend of mine and eventualy stormed out because he could get why i was upset
i've gone through it once before but this time its different. i lost an uncle to suicide(uncle being dads best friend who licved with us) but he was manc depressive scysophrenic and talled about doin it and how he'd do it and everything.
but this guy was different yes at times depressed ( kurt cobain follower)
but i dont know i cant understand why

I understand you're upset. The anger I'm talking about is a deep seeded emotion that will simmer on under the surface maybe for years. You'll be angry at your friend and angry at yourself and it may cause some emotional problems later on. Screaming and shouting is all well and good, and actually very good right now. But the anger is only going to be worked through by talking about this. To friends family and maybe a berivement councillor.

Canis Lupus

A friend of mine killed himself. All of his friends seemed on one night the week after to drift into the same pub and we all got ****faced while having a laugh (as much as we could manage anyway) and as many more having a cry. It was good to do that and while I can't give a solution tailored to meet your needs it mightn't be a bad idea to try hang out with mutual friends cos they are all going through the same thing. Also some people can have a "its cool to not show emotion". You have attempt patience with these people, some genuinely might not be bothered others might be but think for some strange reason its better to act cool and say "whats the big deal". Your better off steering clear of them for a bit cos they will probably just wreck your head.

Thats my 2 cents

Silent Grape

honey, im so so sorry to hear that, its such a shock, and such a trauma to get through. i can only echo what the others have said, take as much time as you need to get through, dont be hard on ytourself, or set yourself any 'getting over it' goals, and be as open as you can about it as possible, because you being open and talking about it gives permission to others to do the same.

good luck, it will be easier

vibe666

Sleepy wrote:

It may seem like a silly sugestion but I often find that it helps to go down to a beach and scream at the ocean.

have to agree with sleepy on that one. (make sure you're alone though, as suggested). there really is nothing better than screaming your lungs up.

it does help. honestly.

tribble

ferdi wrote:

take comfort in the fact that, no matter what you believe happens to a person after they die, your friend is at peace now.

Absolutly, he did what he wanted to do.
Chose to feel nothing rather than continue, respect his choice.

Silent Grape

suicidal people dont 'want' to die, they feel its the only option left open

NeMiSiS

My mates little bro killed himself about a month ago, no one knows why no one thinks they will ever know why. But i have talked to my friend, and his family.. and they deal with it like this : if that's what he thought is the only solution, then we can only respect that, we did all we could as a loving family, as loving brothers and sisters, but sometimes that's just the way things happen, but he's gone, he was a hell of a brother and we love and miss him an awful lot, but all we can try and do at the moment is try to understand why he felt the way he did. Those are the words out of my friends mouth soon after what happend.

Just remeber the good times, that's what I try to do, I do no not try to understand it, at least not yet, because I can not begin to. I knew this kid very well, I grew up with his brother and remeber kicking a ball round with him and hanging out etc.

I hope this is helpful in some way at least because I'm in the midst of all this, and I am trying to get my friend out..not drinking or whatever but just ya know out with his friends.. to give him a little release from the sorrow. Your friends feel exactly like you do, consol yourself with them .. if not try a counciller, get your emotions out. Speak to someone at least, never ever in a situation like this be embarassed about your emotions, people will allways understand.

Take care of yourself.
Tom

Victor

Talk.

tribble

Silent Grape wrote:

suicidal people dont 'want' to die, they feel its the only option left open

"Want" doesn't have to be a choice between two ideals.
Almost invariably it is the choice between several least worst options.
Death is for some less worse than life.
Personally I respect a persons who actually considers all the options.

Zombienosh

........
im actually speechless
i wanted to reply...... but i forgot what im saying

Victor

tribble wrote:

"Want" doesn't have to be a choice between two ideals. Almost invariably it is the choice between several least worst options. Death is for some less worse than life. Personally I respect a persons who actually considers all the options.

So you respect an unemployed person who considers a life of crime?

There should be a strong caevat along the lines of "Personally I respect a persons who actually considers all the options, but discounts the bad ones."

I understnad your point, ut it is incomplete.

tribble

Victor wrote:

So you respect an unemployed person who considers a life of crime?

There should be a strong caevat along the lines of "Personally I respect a persons who actually considers all the options, but discounts the bad ones."

I understnad your point, ut it is incomplete.

You know perfectly well that "considering all the options" is not conducive too carrying them out. Thought crime is not yet feasible.

Besides I do not equate shoplifting with suicide.
One is a crime the other is a neutral.

Hagar

As on older Boards member I am appalled and saddened at the same time by what I'm reading. I cannot comprehend suicide by young people. Are the demons that caused these suicides real or imagined? I mean is it self-pressure or outside pressure?

I don't know anyone of my age group who ever committed suicide. Maybe it's my generation or something but probably we grew up with less advantages than the people discussed above. Do people today have totally different expectations of life? Are the expecting a parade to go by every few minutes? Life can be unsatisfying for long periods but that is only to be expected. Life may be hard sometimes but it is always life. Take pleasure in what you have and share that pleasure with others.

To be alive is far better than being dead. Live...

ven0m

Hagar wrote:

As on older Boards member I am appalled and saddened at the same time by what I'm reading. I cannot comprehend suicide by young people. Are the demons that caused these suicides real or imagined? I mean is it self-pressure or outside pressure?

I don't know anyone of my age group who ever committed suicide. Maybe it's my generation or something but probably we grew up with less advantages than the people discussed above. Do people today have totally different expectations of life? Are the expecting a parade to go by every few minutes? Life can be unsatisfying for long periods but that is only to be expected. Life may be hard sometimes but it is always life. Take pleasure in what you have and share that pleasure with others.

To be alive is far better than being dead. Live...

To be honest mate - with my own case, it was real demons but the majority of it was self-imposed & created ones, & alot of it was pressure I put upon myself now I look back in retrospect. I totally forgot that the simple things in life are there to take pleasure in & that my own expectations in life were unwholesome, unbalanced & frankly ridiculous & that each day was for living.

I spent so much of my time living in the past, I was missing out on today & ultimately the tomorrows. I used to think "better to be dead & cool than alive & uncool".... & that's how I was living. I was trying to burn the candle at every end possible & it caught up with me & the state I got my own head in wasn't good for myself or anyone around me, & eventually a breaking point was reached.

I've now learned to live my life for me, the best way I can see, taking it day at a time - living in the moment, & remembering the past is the past, it can't be changed & is pointless to dwell on & that tomorrow is always another day & to worry about tomorrow when it IS tomorrow....

::: ven0mous :::

Victor

Hagar wrote:

I don't know anyone of my age group who ever committed suicide.

Quite simply be many coroners refused to return verdicts of suicide and instead returned "open" or similar verdicts.

Miss Judy

My brother killed himself 4 years ago and my whole family are still devastated and not over it. It's impossible to get over and it just ruins many lives. I still ask why???..and we were very close and told each other everything. My Dad died 2 years later of a broken heart, he never got over it. I am still not over loosing my father, i still cry and I wonder who else wants to leave!. I have lost my brother and my Dad coz of this terrible horrible thing they just refer to as "suicide", as if anyone that does it is mad and selfish. Nobody understands unless it happens in their family or someone close to you.It's horrible and nobody should have to endure the pain of suicide, the repurcussions are massive.

Hagar

I accept that suicides were often reported as "accidental" or whatever to spare the family. I would suspect that it still goes on to a lesser extent today. There's no denying there were suicides in my generation. What I was trying to say was it was unknown within the circle of people I knew throughout school, sports etc. and I went to a large Dublin school.

Miss Judy my heart goes out to you.

cajun_tiger

he was burried yesterday and was a very sad day for all. whats worse is even though so many people where there, there was so many faces missing people that hadnt been told or couldn't make it... its so hard but seeing his picture on the coffin made it so real. i'm still cold havent warmed up since it happened

Oryx

My heart goes out to you. If kind thoughts are worth anything, you have mine.

orangerooster

I've lost an awful lot of people to suicide-its one of the most awful things to experience from the outside especially with people who were as close and special to me as my recent experience of suicide was.I dont know if there is any advice I can give you except to just make you're peace as best you can with whats happened at you're own pace and just work through every step of this as it comes-dont blame you're friend or allow people to tell you he was selfish, in my own experience this has never once been remotely true.My heart goes out to you.

Kev_ps3

the media are to blame. they put pressure on young people. we need to realise that programs like friends are not real and are only a fantasy. people therefor think their lives are sh*t and kill themselves. Drugs are also a huge factor.

The_Conductor

Material goods do not equate with feeling wanted and loved.
There is feeling among a lot of people- that we have never had it so good, that we should all be happy with our lot. Its so difficult to recognise people these days- seemingly happy carefree people deciding without any apparent reason to take their own lives.

I am only thirty- and already 7 of the kids who I played with in primary school are no longer with us, including one guy who I considered my best friend.

I know there is nothing that I can say that will make things any better for you Cajun- just know that most of here are only too happy to listen if you ever want to talk.

Take care of yourself,

S.

ykt0di9url7bc3

A friend of mine said "suicide is where the fear of living out weighs the fear of dying"

Some people say that the consequences are devastating, others have said its selfish, there are many cases where there can be no help for the individual...Every person on this planet knows pain\loss, despite comparissons between lives its the eye of the beholder that counts, there will come hard times and some will falter and slip away into an existence of misery\depression and there will come a many a day when they'll ask themselves Can I go on?....Miss Judy, Can you go on?...If you can, then keep going and whenever you see some one that needs some support give them a hand...

I've always offered to help wherever I can

I say to myself "For all the pain that this loss brings, if it means that my friend is at peace then I willingly suffer this loss evermore"....and my regrets will always remain with me as a reminder of lost chances so I may learn a little from my mistakes while reminding me of the good friends I have lost

Ger.

luckat

*Excellent* point, Victor.

I remember hearing about someone in one of the Nazi death camps who was racing towards the electrified barbed wire to throw herself on the wire and "end it all". A friend raced alongside, trying desperately to think of something to say, and eventually, just before she was going to jump, shouted "You'll never know how it came out!" She screeched to a halt and swerved away! And it's true. Suicide is opting out of all the gorgeous, various, miserable, terrifying, joyous, angry, silent, roaring, empty, blathering stuff that is life.

As to how you deal with it when a friend does it - ah, now. You cry, you feel like you've a hollow in your belly; the same as when a friend dies any other way. And gradually you forget the person. You think you won't, but you do.

LegacyUser

i want to start by saying that i am so sorry that ur friend died like he did , but please know that ur friend would not want u to feel like this... he would want u to be there for his memory and to keep his memory alive,, im again so very sorry that this has happen to you, also if your friend has a wife or family try to be there for them also.. it will make u feel better and its good to know that the parents or wife or kids to know that he had a friend like you,, please know that when someone kills themselves its so very hard to understand .... i wish you all the best and maybe if this does not help , please call a friend or talk to someone about the loss 0f your friend , no one needs to go threw the loss of a friend alone, its best to be with someone

seamus

Please do not drag up old threads.