Gay guy - straight friend

LegacyUser

hi there,

well im a gay guy, 18 years old. my best friend (male) is straight. weve been friends now for ages, but only recently i realised i like him *more*. he doesnt know that im gay. (he might have an idea tho)

now i see this guy a lot and hang around with him, & were in the same school, but not in the same classes. & this is killing me. its the 1st time ive ever felt this way about some1, and its nothing to do with looks. (although hes not half bad) i really love this guy and i dont know what 2 do.

do i say something, and lose a friendship? or do i just try and break contact with him and go coldturkey? cos i cant keep torturing myself like this. any advice would be great.

Boston

Well are you sure he's straight? might not be. I wouldn't advise the whole coming out and then coming onto your friend lark. As both occasions I've seen that happen its ended quiet badly. You 18, which means your probably coming up the leaving cert, all types of emotions are running around your head. If you come onto him, he may reject you purely because he doesn't want to deal with these things at this stage. Feelings you have now, may not be there next year when you start college. I don't thing you should cut him loose completely, merely because its a bad bad habite to get into. For many reasons in life we fall for people we can't have, its no always possible to cut off all ties, without hurting yourself in the process.

Anywho what ever you decide take it slowly.

Stark

Well are you sure he's straight? might not be.

For the purposes of not wrecking your head it's best to take it as yes. Tell him you're gay if you feel like you have to, but I wouldn't go telling him about your feelings for him until you're sure what way he feels about you being gay.

Amnesiac_ie

I agree with Stark. It would be wise to see how this guy reacts to you coming out as a gay man before you even think about suggesting anything else.

And believe me, it is common to form very strong feelings for straight friends. Acting on them is rarely a good idea.

You're quite young and friendship is one fo the most important things in the world in my view. Don't jeopardise that!

dub45

I agree that you should do nothing - it is not an easy situation to be in. I was in it for a number of years myself many moons ago (not that thats much consolation to you!) but at least I can speak from experience:).

There are many people gay and straight in similar situations - how many straight guys or girls fall for someone that is out of reach for one reason or another or simply is not attracted to them in return.

The other thing to bear in mind is the postion of the friend. For most people it comes as a shock even when they may have suspected it for a long time to be told definitely that a good friend is gay and they need a bit of time just to take it on board but to couple that with 'I am also in love with you' can really be overwhelming.

Things are never the same between two 'friends', gay or straight, when 'love' is revealed suddenly and it rarely results in a 'live happily ever' scenario.

You are in a painful situation tread warily both for your own sake and your friend's sake. Love can and will be wonderful for you in time but it can be very messy too, gay or straight, just like now!

fozzle

If I were you I would do no more than tell your friend that you are gay, for a while at least. You're only 18 so (I know people hate hearing this) you're still young yet and you've a lot to experience. Lots of people (gay or straight) get strong feelings for close friends, and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. But it's also worth bearing in mind that what you're feeling may just be love for a friend.

I know it may sound inane, but it's happened to me. I had a friend who I convinced myself I was in love with, as I didn't get to see him (I'm bi) as much as I liked, and I missed him so much that it hurt. I never told him, I just got on with it. But when he told me he was gay, the sense of relief was unbelievable. Knowing that a relationship between us was never going to happen forced me to re-asses my feelings for him and that's when I realised that I just loved him as a friend, same as I love my best female friend.

I know it's tough, but at 18 you're unlikely to fully understand your feelings, and leaving cert is a stressful enough time, without risking straining your friendship. Do tell your friend you're gay, if it will give you peace of mind, but you have to give him time to get used to the idea. Regardless of weather he's straight or gay, he's probably going to be disconcerted by a proclomation of love straight after you "come out" to him.

At the end of the day you have to go with your instincts, but slow and steady would be my advice.

Best of luck.

boomdogman

Don't be in any rush to "come out". Your sexuality is your own, not a public issue. Being comfortable with yourself is far more important, knowing twhere you are.

Assume your friend is straight. Go out and meet guys. have good(and bad!) sex. Right now you might lose a friend rather than gain a lover so thread carefully. Could be what you feel is a result of not meeting other guys.

DoctorEdgeWild

Be careful Berber,

As a straight guy with lotsa gay mates, I would feel uncomfortable if one of them confessed to being in love with me (same as I would with a girl) but its very unlikely you will be able to change him (assuming of course that he is straight which judging by your post I presume he is).

If you guys are best mates then you should be able to overcome almost any obstacle but this is a big one, you could freak him out by coming out to him AND telling him your feelings. An information overload!

I wish you the best of luck, as we have all been in a position of wanting someone we could not have, for whatever reason.

ixoy

Hey, my turn to offer the same advice: don't say anything. I was in the same position in 6th year as you are now. I had a crush on one of my best friends and he didn't know I was gay. I then proceeded to do what you want to do - first I told him I like guys. He took that, it seemed, well enough. I left it alone for a bit...

But I felt I couldn't cope with my feelings - they were very intense, as I'm sure you're well aware of! Damned hormones. So I proceeded to tell him I had fancied someone in our class. A roundabout game ensued where he tried to guess the name of the guy I liked, oblivious to the fact that it was him. When I did tell him, it was in the most cowardly, downright wrong way I could - and it wasn't to his face (think of it like a letter, only far more curt). After which our friendship was unbalance. It raised certain questions with him and he felt uncomfortable being alone with me not least because he wasn't sure where he stood with me: was I his friend for him or just because I desired him? There was also the rather unusual situation of being the focus of a gay crush which is not something most guys have to deal with.

A few years later and it's in the past and we're still friends. What I didn't get from it was any advantage. If I relieved any internal burden it was at the expense of my friend's comfort - and that's why it was wrong of me to do so. A problem shared, in this case, was a problem gained for him. Now is not the time and this is not the manner. At most, I suggest, tell him you're gay but try not to take it further. Let him be comfortable with knowing you better, even if it may not be what you want until you know, for sure, where you stand.

tigerwex

i was in this position a guy i went to school with and then after school we hung out together i fancied him rotten 1 night we kissed and it was good but suddenly i relised my feeling for him where just lust not love we where a bit embarrassed and i came out to him and only him he is still to this day my friend but he is married with two kids and he is still the only person i have told that im gay we laugh about it now but it could have ended much worse so be cearfull and just try to forget about ur feeling for him like the others say your young and relly should not be in love yet get out and enjoy yourself have your own life first then u can shear it

1082229

i'd be VERY very slow in telling this lad...

i remember in secondary i had myself absolutely convinced that a guy in my year was gay.......

and i think that alot of LGB ppl convince themselves that their best friend/crush is gay......

its understandable but still, its lining your self up for a heartbreak....

he wasn't, but thankful i hadn't said anything to him.....

Evilution

berbercarpet wrote:

hi there,

well im a gay guy, 18 years old. my best friend (male) is straight. weve been friends now for ages, but only recently i realised i like him *more*. he doesnt know that im gay. (he might have an idea tho)

now i see this guy a lot and hang around with him, & were in the same school, but not in the same classes. & this is killing me. its the 1st time ive ever felt this way about some1, and its nothing to do with looks. (although hes not half bad) i really love this guy and i dont know what 2 do.

do i say something, and lose a friendship? or do i just try and break contact with him and go coldturkey? cos i cant keep torturing myself like this. any advice would be great.

From a straight guy who's had a gay friend 'say something' to me - don't do it. You're playing a game of odds here. Without wanting to sound callous, don't be such a drama queen. I really don't understand this break contact thing at all. If you are REALLY his friend, explain to him that you are, indeed, gay and leave it there. That'll take some of the tension away for a starter.