Can I have a male perspective please?

LegacyUser

I've pretty much been dumped by my (now ex) boyfriend because he says my other ex (from 2 years ago) has been spreading stories about me. As they work together this has become increasingly difficult for him, as he feels it would be uncomfortable for me to meet his work colleagues due to this. This is more awkward than it sounds as the firm socialise as a company frequently. He doesn't believe whatever has been said (but won't tell me what has been said as he feels I would be upset), but says he thinks my other ex and I have unresolved issues, and he feels that it's in his best interest to stay clear as I need to sort out problems with the other ex. But we don't have any resolvable problems, we haven't spoken since we broke up except once or twice when we met up accidently while out clubbing and although we usually exchanged harsh words at these points, there is nothing more I want to say to him. I have my suspicions about what he said about me because I'd say he knows a lot about my personal life since our breakup (due to shared friends) but unless he made something up, there's nothing exceptionally bad he could say about me. I really like the recent ex, and I think he still does like me, but I don't know how to sort it out. I also feel that if he wouldn't stand up to my ex he isn't really worth it. I don't know why the distant ex is causing problems, it's probably becausse he's single at the moment, and always was very immature, and though we've broken up a long time ago, we were both the others first love. However that love has completely turned to hate for both of us I'm afraid. I just wish the two didn't work together. And I have frequently reassured the recent ex that I really like him and that I have no feelings for the other ex. MEN!! (And sadly enough we're all in our 20's - I never had such immature problems in my teens!)

The_Conductor

Ok- male perspective......

The problem is not with you- its with your ex of two years ago.
He obviously has unresolved issues.
Quite how he imagines spreading scurrilous rumours and inuendo about you will work is anyone's guess. Obviously its difficult for your current b/f if he has to work with your ex. Bloody difficult. Short of bringing things to a head- having a scream at your ex and demanding he retract his lies and leave you to live your life in peace and quiet as you choose- there is not a lot you can do. The fact that your current b/f has to work with him is a real bitch. You know- its highly probable that your ex feels hurt that the relationship is over, and is trying (successfully it would seem) to hurt you by ensuring that your relationship with your current b/f cannot and does not work.

Unless you can convince your ex to keep his stupidity to himself (or move to work elsewhere), or convince your b/f to move elsewhere- you've got a problem that cannot be satisfactorily resolved.

Its a mess.....

Silent Grape

sorry about being dumped, that sucks. : ( it sounds like a fairly complicated situation.

but i dont understand why the ex telling stories about you can affect the current relationship? if you both know he talking out of his arse then why with the breakup? i understand that it might be awkward for him if everyone's believing these stories, but why cant he set the record straight, or laugh at it, or something. why couldnt he confront the ex about it? if the stories are not true than why is he taking it so seriously? maybe its because of how he's being seen in work.

if you told him that there are no unresolved issues with this ex, then he should have believed you, and not decided for you whether there are issues to be resolved or not. maybe he didnt break up with you because of the unresolved issues reason, but because work was becoming an awkward place due to this ex and his stories.

anyway im sorry this has become such a fiasco, and that your ex has cost you a relationship, but good luck, i hope you get over all this.

uberwolf

TBH it sounds like a made up excuse. I can't see why the stories would be a problem. You've no relationship with you ex. I reckon it's your most recent ex trying to save face in work. I know that doesn't sound pleasant, hopefully I'm wrong.

Good luck.

Gordon

Sounds wierd that the b/f isn't telling you what he's saying. Have you been going out long?

Could it be that the current boyfriend isn't interested in the relationship anymore and he's using this as a way of creating distance? If I was interested in my girlfriend and this kind of situation took place I would at least be telling her about what he was saying. I mean, he's telling you that your ex is telling stories about you but not telling you what they are, thats a bit ****ty.

If I was you I would ask the current boyfriend about what exactly is going on and being said, and if it is deemed necessary confront the ex about this and tell him to f*ck off if he's being out of line. Maybe your current boyfriend is worried that this may happen and it would cause further complications at work. That's a shame if it is the case but is your relationship with him that strong anyway?

Get the truth out of your boyfriend, he told you half the story and personally I hate half stories. (unless it's in a film about John Malcovitch)
---
edit - sorry, I thought you were talking about your current boyfriend as opposed to your recent ex. FORGET THEM BOTH!

secret_squirrel

Sounds like your ex-ex is a muppet, but tbh your recent-ex is worse. He's basically gone and validated everything the ex-ex has been saying - caved into him in fact.

I'd go so far as to say the recent ex is a gutless coward and the way he has behaved makes my blood boil. He could of course just been looking for an excuse - he's still a pond life though. Where was his loyalty??

Sounds like your better off without either of them. Forget them - you can and will do better than either of them.

Grrr scum like them giving men a bad name. :mad:

OfflerCrocGod

Caralina wrote:

I really like the recent ex, and I think he still does like me, but I don't know how to sort it out. I also feel that if he wouldn't stand up to my ex he isn't really worth it.

You took the words out of my mouth, those were exactly my thoughts on reading your story. Don't bother with a guy like that, your better of without the two of them. One is an asŞhole the other has no spine, forget them.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Memnoch

to be honest caralina, I would have to agree that your recent ex isn't worth your time.

He is either a) a coward b) doesn't care for you very much.

Because otherwise he would stand up for you. I mean if someone was saying stuff like this about my gf, particularly a malicous ex, I would tell him exactly WHERE he could go and STUFF WHAT. Though the truth is that we here don't have the context of the dynamics going on in his office so it could be more difficult a situation than seems clear.

But in my mind, if you love someone, you stand up for them. Its one thing joking around being able to poke humor at yourself/your siginficant other. Its quite another thing when its a serious issue.

Perhaps your new ex is just a tad immature, and if he is telling the truth (i.e. not using it as an excuse to dump you) then it would seem that he is just caving in to "peer pressure" and the "stronger personality" of your old ex.

Hope some of that made sense. Unfortunately neither of your options are very palatable at the moment, but your going to have to make a decision.

koneko

Sounds like your recent-ex is using this as an excuse. If he wanted to be with you he would, despite some dickhead spreading stories about you, in fact he'd be likely to talk to you about it or defend you if the stories weren't true. He doesn't sound worth the effort tbh, he obviously doesn't think you are if he gives up this easily.

LegacyUser

Caralina wrote:

I also feel that if he wouldn't stand up to my ex he isn't really worth it.

This is like saying "She won't turn over from Brookside so the bitch had to go"

secret_squirrel

Rubbish - the two arent comparable - your point is trivial hers is an important component of a relationship.

The Corinthian

koneko wrote:

Sounds like your recent-ex is using this as an excuse.

And despite the call for male views, it was a woman who figured it out. Nice irony.

billy the squid

It looks as though your newest ex is not being entirely honest with you. You said that they work together right, is your old ex in a position to affect your new ex's job or make his working life hell, you new ex coulb be being intimidated.

if this is the case then your new ex needs to stand up for you, otherwise your old ex is going to do this to every single boyfriend you will ever have.

Beruthiel

son of merc wrote:

[highlight]My advice would be to learn the ways on the "enter" or "return" keys and use them wisely to create such glorious things like le paragraph....[/highlight]

merc
you're crusing for a banning
I would appreciate if you didn't make me do that as I do not have time to go around banning all your nicks
B

WhiteWashMan

Beruthiel wrote:

merc
you're crusing for a banning
I would appreciate if you didn't make me do that as I do not have time to go around banning all your nicks
B

yeah merc, at least put in one line and keep it on topic!

for example....

why wont he tell you what your Ex is 'allegedly' saying.
becasue lets face it, you dont actually know if he is saying things about you or not...

pickarooney

If short(x) won't tell you what long(x) is saying, (where's typedef these days, anyway?) it's more than likely he believes it himself and this is at least part of the reason he's breaking up with you.
He won't tell you what some eejit with a grudge against you is saying about you because it would upset you, so instead he breaks up with you? Cause that's a hug and a kiss by comparison, right?
Is there anyone else you get on with at the company that would be honest enough to tell you exactly what's going on?
You know you need to cut not one, not two, but every single one of them out of your life, as they sound like a bunch of cowardly gossips.

TwoShedsJackson

The most recent one sounds like a gob****e who's using this as an excuse. Kick his head in.

surfboy

I had fairly much the same thing, quite a few years ago now, but it was the Ex GF! She managed to start spreading sh1t about me in the circles that the new GF was in! (We were both in our early 20's at this time). I started getting the same type of thing from the, then girlfriend. When I found out, I confronted the ex. She denied she was saying anything, but then one of her friends phoned me and told me the story (And some of it was really BAD!!!).

So I phoned the ex and mentioned "Deformation of Character" & "Guards" and was being very blunt on the phone. And the fact that I knew exactly what she was saying about me, and she'd better sort it out. That was the end of that.

I found out later that she was trying to break up myself and the new GF! (And at the time it did cause a LOT of hastle)

Go straight to the source, probably the best way to sort it out.

G'Luck

uberwolf

uberwolf wrote:

@20.31 TBH it sounds like a made up excuse.

koneko wrote:

@21.49 Sounds like your recent-ex is using this as an excuse.

TC wrote:

@00.01 And despite the call for male views, it was a woman who figured it out. Nice ironing

what do I win?

Caralina - there's a theme here.

Beruthiel

uberwolf wrote:

what do I win?

a banning if you don't keep on topic...


\edit - insert smiley->
to avoid confusion...

ChRoMe

I know its been said by the others but you really have to question if the recent ex is worth it if he wont stand up for you. Cant talk for every other bloke but I know from me and my male friends that there is a instinct to protect your mate. Its also pretty weird that he wont tell you what the other fella is saying

ChRoMe

Gordon

son of merc wrote:

[highlight]My advice would be to learn the ways on the "enter" or "return" keys and use them wisely to create such glorious things like le paragraph....[/highlight]

son of merc banned for a period of time. Other accounts remain in tact.. for now.

Have fun in Cat merc!

trajan

Caralina it seems to me your ex ex was left in tatters when you broke up and is just lashing out now. What a prick. This sounds like the kind of guy who wouldn't budge an inch anyway if you confronted him, and would likely only get worse. I think all you can do is try and sit down with your recent ex and try and iron out exactly whats happening. It strikes me a lot os being hidden from you over this and its seems kinda suspect, from what you've written.

The only possible solution I could think of would be that You and your recent ex get back, if you still do have strong feelings for each other and I mean strong enough not to buckle at the first bump, and he tells his work colleages that he's going out with you, or maybe just brings it up in front of them. If they're sound in any way they'll know that certain lines of conversation from that point are out. two exes being each others mates seems like a total nitroglycerine cocktail, by the way.

Sleepy

The only way I can see that your recent ex would do this for the reasons he's stated is if the other ex was his boss? If so, turn up at a work night out after a reasonable enough time for everyone in the office to know that you and the ex aren't together any more and pour a pint over the ex from further back.

seamus

Caralina wrote:

I've pretty much been dumped by my (now ex) boyfriend because he says my other ex (from 2 years ago) has been spreading stories about me. As they work together this has become increasingly difficult for him, as he feels it would be uncomfortable for me to meet his work colleagues due to this. This is more awkward than it sounds as the firm socialise as a company frequently.

Think about this logically. If he goes out with his work mates a lot, and he doesn't think you should meet them, then he should sometimes go out with work, and sometimes go out with you. It shouldn't be an issue.

He doesn't believe whatever has been said (but won't tell me what has been said as he feels I would be upset), but says he thinks my other ex and I have unresolved issues, and he feels that it's in his best interest to stay clear as I need to sort out problems with the other ex.

Read this as: Your bf doesn't believe what your ex has been saying, but regardless, the stuff that your ex has been saying has made him doubt you, and makes him think that there was more to the relationship than you have told him up to now, possibly including the chance that you're still in love with your ex. "Unresolved Issues with your ex" when used by a man always means "I think you're still in love with your ex, or you will never love me as much as you loved him".

I also feel that if he wouldn't stand up to my ex he isn't really worth it.
....
I just wish the two didn't work together. And I have frequently reassured the recent ex that I really like him and that I have no feelings for the other ex. MEN!! (And sadly enough we're all in our 20's - I never had such immature problems in my teens!)

Just one thing - how long have your bf and your ex known eachother? They work together, have they always worked together (i.e. before you knew your bf), or is this since you started going out with the new bf?

The way I see it, generally if a man is badmouthing another man's gf, he doesn't associate with him. In fact, he makes an enemy of him. This wouldn't be an issue. From what you're saying, it would appear that even though your bf doesn't want to believe the ex, their relationship suggests that he respects your ex and his opinion.

chump

@ Caralina

first things first you need to fnd out what that **** of your ex-ex has been saying about you. Any person who goes around unprevoked spreading stories about you, true or untrue, needs to be dealt with ... it's a pity your more recent ex seems to have wimped out on you in this respect, because I know most boyfriends would try to protect their gf... I wouldn't go so far as to say your recent ex is a bad person because of this - and even though he says he doesn't believe the stuff that was said I'm sure he feels unsettled due to it... If it's 'dirty' stuff, I think it's reasonable to see how he might be upset...

Anyway ask your recent ex what was said, and the exact phrasing and then confront your ex-ex... give him hell... he obviously is a lousy so-AND-so

99Dragons

Right. Well... here is my male perspective.

I certainly empathize. But let's get open and honest here please, shall we? What is he "holding over your head"? What earth shattering dark secret(s) from the past are damming and brimming up this relationship so poorly that the great tides of the river or love cannot break through?

As a man I smell... deception. Distance... pretext. As a man I know ... baby it don't matter what ANYbody says 'bout my lady... ! Don't forget...some like'm good and some love'm even badder.

So let's be serious. I can assure you that you can, no will meet men into their 30s, 40s and even beyond who have the emotional development of a 12 year oldª. Of course the same thing is true for women.

The fact is, you are absolutely powerless over anything your boyfriend does at any time in life. In fact you are powerless as I or anyone else over the behaviour of anyone except ourselves. When we get balled up into thinking and believing he could've she should've it shillyshally... all our perceptions become painful and fantasy. At which point all the wishful thinking in the world will not help one iota.

Solution? Honesty. You need to get honest - about yourself. I did. I had to own my own $hite when I had forced here, lied about this and that ... used and hid and sneaked... and you know what? One day I discovered she was just as sick at I. We tend to attract those who are like us. I thought I had learned that growing up, but, no no no. I had to learn it with a capital L as an adult (at 50 years of age). I had to develop, to grow up.

So I would ask, "Do you realize your own powerlessness?" If you give him the space to be himself and yourself the space... then that is where it can start from. Not over something that maybe he said she said etc.

Pain happens in life, true; but... I learned misery is optional.



Footnote
ª - I could be wrong. I think that even as we speak there are men (and women ) who likely are not even 12 years of age emotionally... yet.
-[:{>)

LegacyUser

My ex ex and the newest one did not work together when I went out with the ex ex, that happened inbetween. I met the most recent ex through mutual friends.

They are both on the same level at work, but they work in the same section.

I didn't mind socialising separately at first as I thought the ex ex would get used of the idea and that eventually I could go on office nights out like all the other girlfriends/boyfriends. Plus I was happy enough with the situation because I was nervous about his reaction, but as I grew to like the recent ex more and more that wasn't an issue, I just wanted to become a bigger part of his life I suppose. They're a fairly tight office, so some (not the ex) of the people are my recent ex's closest friends, and they'd socialise together on these nights pretty much exclusively. They'd go out as a group twice a week. I know it seems strange, but that'd mean the most recent ex would be going out other nights with me and my friends or just to meet me. Or else he'd miss the office nights which I didn't think was fair either. It meant both of us were going out more often than we really wanted and that did involve a big effort. And there were one or two nights we were out separately and I was given the all clear to come to the club they were in cos the ex ex had gone home?!

Maybe I wanted too much given the situation, but I didn't think it was right that the ex ex messed up these occasions so frequently. I did get to go on a work night out when the ex ex was on holidays..

In retrospect I'm pretty much just going to forget about it now. I've made it known to a mutual friend that I think the ex ex is scum and explained why. I'm sure it'll get back to him, and maybe he will feel small when he realises the consequences of his actions (doubtful). However I'm not going to confront him, because I don't want to talk to him. I don't know what he said, I don't really care. I'm guessing he said something stupid like I'd cheated on the recent ex or that I was only going out with him to get back at him or something equally ludicrous. He's quite a malicious bully (I don't know what I ever saw in him) so he would be very likely to make up something like that. I can remember cruel things he said about people when we went out that I believed.

He is unlikely to ever do that to a future boyfriend as I'll make damn sure no future guy I see works with him!!! Thanks for all the advice. I hope I paragrahed this a bit better this time.

And yes, I suppose it could have just been an excuse on the recent ex's part. I don't think this is true though.

LegacyUser

Oh forgot to answer some questions along the way there! I do know a couple of people in the company but the only one I know well enough to ask says he hasn't heard anything. But he's a) the kind of guy who likes to stay out of trouble and would prefer not to spread stories and b) unlikely to be told crap by the ex ex as they don't get on and c) unlikely to be told stuff about me by the others who don't know me and know he does know me (God that's a round about way of explaining stuff!).

His colleagues knew I was going out with the recent ex, it wasn't a secret. They were also aware of the reasons I wasn't socialising with him in front of them. I dread to think what their opinion is of me.

I don't for one minute doubt the ex ex said stuff about me. He's like that. Also I wouldn't think the recent ex would have any reason to make it up. Other break-up lines would be much easier with fewer chances of reprecussions.

Plus a last point I forgot to mention before, the ex ex broke up with me.

This has been blown out of proportion even more I feel, thanks for all the support folks

Ren0

Both the guys seem like dicks.

Hire a hitman and kill them both.

I'll do it if you want. i could use the money.