What do you make of this?

Lexie

Hey all,

Met this guy about 3 months ago and went home with him. Nothing was said the following day about meeting up again or anything. Anyways saw this guy around a few times later and he seems to show interest (eg, he cant stop staring at me, buys me a drink in the pub, missed call from him on my phone, etc...) Then I bumped into him last week in the pub and he suggested we go to a nightcub. Went home with him again that night. The following day he suggested we meet up that night, so we did. But when I got to his house it was as if he had had a change of heart. Night didnt go to well anyway. Not much conversation. So the next day I asked him did he want to meet again and he said no. Now what I really want to know is, where did all of the interest come out of in the first place and why the sudden change of heart. Opinions please.

Sleepy

Uhm, don't mean to be cruel but it sounds like he was just interested in the ride tbh.

impr0v

Perhaps the version of you in his head was the person he was attracted to and when he got to know you better it turned out the real you and that version were two different people.

It also seems to be him making all the suggestions and you doing all the complying, perhaps he'd like someone that seems less attainable. It could have been the apparent lack of interest that you showed following the initial rendezvous that generated his interest, i.e. you didn't say anything about meeting up after it, you accepted drinks from him but didn't go further, missed his calls but didn't call him back, etc.

The above is entirely speculative given how little information there is.

Lexie

But in all honesty would you should that much interest if you were just interested in casual sex? Just seems like a lot of interest for a one night stand.

Zulu

Lexie wrote:

But in all honesty would you should that much interest if you were just interested in casual sex? Just seems like a lot of interest for a one night stand.

If it was good - yup. Sorry. I'm with Sleepy on this one.

He was out, and wanted to bed you again. Once he did, he decided he didn't want a relationship.

...of course, any relationship advice is highly speculative. I don't know you, and I don't know him.

cajun_tiger

he probably really likes you. thats the problem though, he migtn't want to go anywhere but to bed. maybe this guy see's that you and him could go somewhere and has decided against it. men are straange and so are there way's. just don't let him use you.

Optikus

Well something changed his feelings towards you from the last morning to that evening, but you will only reck your head trying to figure it out, most people have complex feelings, and everyones mind works in unique ways. So tbh you should just forget about it, continue your life and don't let one mishap have any bearing on how you feel about yourself, even if you ask him what happened he probably won't be able to give a straight answer.

Lexie

I wont let it get me down but its just confusing. Talk about hot and cold. Has anyone ever been in his shoes before? And if so why the change of heart?

logic1

It's obvious he's deeply in love with you and conflicted over how to truly show you the affection you deserve.

Hahahaha give me a break.

Let's look at the pattern involved:

1.) He meets you and you immediately jump into bed with him. He then doesn't talk about meeting you again.

2.) Several weeks later he's getting a dose of blue balls and decides it's time to give you a call. Buys you a few pints *BAM* it's back into bed. Score.

3.) He's feeling like he's onto a good thing here decides he wants sex again and arranges to meet up that night. While he's sober he has second thoughts about you but wait... the alcohol makes it all better *WHAMP* we're back in bed and relief is imminent.

4.) Next morning bring sobriety which again brings doubt.

He's woken up I think it's time you did.

.logic.

simu

Avoid hours of pointless ruminating! Ask him straight out if he's interested or not!

trajan

I gotta say Logic 1 could be close to the mark unfortunately. This guy seems like bad news to me. I wasn't in his shoes exactly myself but I had a good mate in Italy who was up to this all the time with girls. Thing was he actually liked each girl a lot, but he was more fond of the idea of himself as an alfie type and being much too young to commit to just one girl. I have to say my advice would be to steer clear of the guy. But that's just me...

Beruthiel

I think I'd have to go with sleepy and logic also, the only reason he showed some interest is for the easy shag
forget about him

fletch

This is the problem with one night stands, if you go the whole way with a fella on the 1st night, well then whats left to make him come back looking for more? Sometimes(not very often tbh ) I play hard to get 'n bring back a fella & do very little with him(me bein a fella tho,95% of the time, I do everyfin) lol

calhob_ie

I've actually been in a similar situation to this myself.

Met in a girl in a bar, great girl etc, back to hers, bit of hows yer father, peck on the cheek and away I go all the happier. 3hrs later having lunch with friends and my mates mobile go's, its the girl from the previous night wanting to give me her number (being a clever girly type she'd done last number redial on her phone, which I used to call my mate to check what they were up to) so I have a chat and take her number.

Meet up again the next week as part of a group, more drinks, more rumpy pumpy, another peck and another exit. Then another call and a nice dinner was booked, go to the dinner and realise we have nothing in common bar both being drunk for the last two weekends. She being of the nice but dim persuasion, she still seems keen though, cue no more drinks and rumpy pumpy and a gentle let down.

Its just the way things go, sometimes things work and sometimes they don't. I would say though that I've never been in a lasting, ie longer than a few months, relationship with a girl that I've got to know in the biblical sense on the first night and I don't think any of my friends have either. From a guy perspective girls who are into one night stands are great, but not girlfriend material.

Chris

AngryBadger

Lexie wrote:

Now what I really want to know is, where did all of the interest come out of in the first place and why the sudden change of heart. Opinions please.

This is very reminiscent of what happened to me a few weeks back, I think it's just gotta be chalked down to experience, some people can really blow hot and cold.

Also, why oh why is everyone harping on about giving it all up on the first night and so having nothing to draw him back. Surely if you're actually looking for a relationship with someone, having sex early on isn't going to be an issue, which suggests that in this case, yeah he did it for the nooky.

Lexie

Ill learn eventually!

Zulu

fletch wrote:

This is the problem with one night stands, if you go the whole way with a fella on the 1st night, well then whats left to make him come back looking for more?

Sorry fletch - I couldn't disagree more. Being a bloke myself, let me explain...

He'll call you back alright, and meet up twice/trice, as many times as it takes. Then - it's mission accomplished, time to escape. It mightn't be over and done with as quick, but is that really better? Isn't it better to find out if it's about the sex or not sooner rather than later?

Sleepy

calhob_ie wrote:

From a guy perspective girls who are into one night stands are great, but not girlfriend material.

I have to say I disagree. I prefer girlfriends that have an enlightened attitude towards sexuality, they're usually far more fun in bed, and far more relaxed individuals out of it. The sooner society gets rid of it's notions about "nice girls" the better. Wanting a nice girl for a wife and a whore on the side is what got us into our position of having so many broken homes.

Zulu

Lexie wrote:

I wont let it get me down but its just confusing. Talk about hot and cold. Has anyone ever been in his shoes before? And if so why the change of heart?

To be perfectly honest, I've been in them shoes before. I wanted company/intimicay but not the person.
I figured maybe my feelings might change. She was a nice girl. But really, deep down, being bruatally honest, I didn't want her at all, just the sex.

By the by, before the negative karma floods in from the femnazis and the youth. We were both old enough to know better; no one got hurt; no I'm not proud of myself.

Zulu

calhob_ie wrote:

From a guy perspective girls who are into one night stands are great, but not girlfriend material.

I don't agree. If two people like each other and want the same thing - I say more power to the girl for knowing what she want, and not being ruled by out-of-date social rules.

fletch

Zulu wrote:

Sorry fletch - I couldn't disagree more. Being a bloke myself....

Jus my experiences & opinions....suppose we aint all the same

Zulu

fletch wrote:

Jus my experiences & opinions

No worries at all, everyones opinions are welcome here.

fletch wrote:

....suppose we aint all the same

and the worlds a better place for it

AngryBadger

Zulu wrote:

I don't agree. If two people like each other and want the same thing - I say more power to the girl for knowing what she want, and not being ruled by out-of-date social rules.

I hear that

The Corinthian

He doesn’t actually like you. You had a fling with him twice. After the second fling he decided to see if you could be more than just a convenient sperm receptacle and asked you out. And regrettably the ‘date’ didn’t work out. It was probably nothing to do with the fact that you slept with him straight away either, but just that, outside of the bedroom, the two of you had nothing in common.

Look on the bright side. It probably meant he either came back to you because you’re good in the sack or he can’t get anyone else. If it’s the former, PM me.

calhob_ie

I admire the fact that your all standing up and saying the number of sexual partners your girlfriends hads doesn't bother you at all but.........

I'd seriously say that the majority of guys would rather have a long term relationship with a girl who'd had a lesser rather than greater number of partners.

I know I went out, briefly, with a girl who was well known in the town where I'm from and wondering whether she'd slept with every guy she said hi too had me out in a cold sweat on a regular basis. And I know most of my mates have had similar experiences.

Chris

Sleepy

Does that say more about her, or more about you?

Zulu

calhob_ie wrote:

I know I went out, briefly, with a girl who was well known in the town where I'm from and wondering whether she'd slept with every guy she said hi too had me out in a cold sweat on a regular basis. And I know most of my mates have had similar experiences.

Well you gotta ask yourself: why are you going out with her?
...
Do you respect her?
Do you respect her decisions?
Do you trust her?

Evidently you didn't respect her decisions (ie to sleep around).

When I go out with someone - I respect them/their decisions. I trust them/their choices.

Now I'm not saying I never get jellous, but hey, I've slept around, why can't she have had?

Lexie

This has nothing to do with how many ive slept with or he has slept with. To be honest he doesnt know alot about my background. I dont go on the pull every weekend looking for a quick shag or anything. And I havent had a whole lot of sexual partners. Lot less than alot of girls my age (24). He's 38 so hes had much more sexual partners than ive had.

Beruthiel

calhob_ie wrote:

I know I went out, briefly, with a girl who was well known in the town where I'm from and wondering whether she'd slept with every guy she said hi too had me out in a cold sweat on a regular basis. And I know most of my mates have had similar experiences

so what you are saying here chris is
it's ok for you to sleep with her or any other woman
but it's not ok for her to do the same?

I hate double standards

The Corinthian

Beruthiel wrote:

I hate double standards

I hear you can get them fresh off the farm.

the_syco

Sleepy wrote:

I have to say I disagree. I prefer girlfriends that have an enlightened attitude towards sexuality, they're usually far more fun in bed, and far more relaxed individuals out of it. The sooner society gets rid of it's notions about "nice girls" the better. Wanting a nice girl for a wife and a whore on the side is what got us into our position of having so many broken homes.

the song goes "...like a lady on the street, but an animal in bed..."

Zulu

Beruthiel wrote:

so what you are saying here chris is
it's ok for you to sleep with her or any other woman
but it's not ok for her to do the same?

I hate double standards

Jeez - how many green "bibs" do you have woman????

calhob_ie

I knew I had the potential to be slated about this.

Speaking in the broadest terms, yes I do have double standards. I want perfection in a partner and I want to experience as much as possible before I find that perfect partner. I fully admit that its my own failings that made me worry when I was going out with that previous girlfriend, but I'd also say that I'm subject to exactly the same failings that all my male friends are as well. Which would lead me to conclude that me and my mates are representative of the majority of mid 20's, prof, single, no dependants kind of guys out there

Now as has been said before some guys prefer more "experienced" woman and some guys prefer "less experienced" woman, Im not saying either's the way to go or trying to cast any kind of shadow over more experienced girls.

I'm just trying to extrapolate my and my friends experiences to try and get a snapshot of the views of your everyman in the street kind of guy.

Chris

Zulu

Chris.
I used to be the same. ...but certain things/people changed my views.
Your honesty has to be commended - unfortunately the femnazi lobby is inevitably gonna slate you.

(+ve rep as pre-emptive compensation!)

cajun_tiger

calhob_ie wrote:

I've actually been in a similar situation to this myself.

I've never been in a lasting, ie longer than a few months, relationship with a girl that I've got to know in the biblical sense on the first night and I don't think any of my friends have either. From a guy perspective girls who are into one night stands are great, but not girlfriend material.

Chris

i can say snap.. any guy i get with on the first night i tend not to see, unless he was really good. then well, its only for that. i also know that there's a few guy's in the world who put women(who sleep with them on the first night) under a label.ie.
S[UT.

CathyMoran

I am sure that there must be cases where instant chemistry would lead to this but the fact that he left it for a few months in between does not look great - put it down to experience and move on.

sceptre

Lexie wrote:

But in all honesty would you should that much interest if you were just interested in casual sex? Just seems like a lot of interest for a one night stand.

Well, I wouldn't but I'm going to guess that your typical normal male might.

Like Auntie B, I hate double standards and I've never been able to understand this "guy does it he's a stud, girl does it she's a ho" thing but well, that's double-standard-stupidity-pour-the-tea-there-love-it's-all-you're-good-for for you.

Iago

calhob_ie wrote:

I would say though that I've never been in a lasting, ie longer than a few months, relationship with a girl that I've got to know in the biblical sense on the first night and I don't think any of my friends have either. From a guy perspective girls who are into one night stands are great, but not girlfriend material.

Chris

Personally I would disagree with this and I think that it's very subjective. If you're a guy and all your looking for is casual sex and relationships and you meet a girl and sleep with her then the odds are that you won't want a relationship out of it. If however you are looking for a relationship then I don't think that a girl sleeping with you on the first night would put you off her.

I think it depends on what you're both looking for, the circumstances in which you meet and the chemistry between you. It never ceases to amaze me how many guys are willing to sleep with a girl on the first night and then brand the girl "not relationship material" if she's not relationship material then why sleep with her in the first place? If you haven't formed some sort of attraction then you wouldn't have slept with her at all, how do you know what kind of relationship you would have if you gave it a chance?

Anyway, as far as the original post goes, I think you just got unlucky this time. Some guys are like that but not all of them, it's just one of those things..

Lexie

Yea, I think I was looking for more than he was. Ah well.

Deadwing

calhob_ie wrote:

From a guy perspective girls who are into one night stands are great, but not girlfriend material.

Chris

Agreed.
I mean if you give it up straight off the bat, hes more than likely going to think 'well hey if shes this easy, shes prolly not got too many morals, more than likely gonna be the type whod cheat, ive had my fun, im off'.
(not saying your easy or a cheat, but thats the impressin he could have gotten from sleeping with you on the first date)

Beruthiel

Deadwing wrote:

Agreed.
I mean if you give it up straight off the bat, hes more than likely going to think 'well hey if shes this easy, shes prolly not got too many morals, more than likely gonna be the type whod cheat, ive had my fun, im off'.
(not saying your easy or a cheat, but thats the impressin he could have gotten from sleeping with you on the first date)

and so what I understand from that comment is
any bloke who gives it up straight away is more likely to, and I quote: "prolly not got too many morals, more than likely gonna be the type whod cheat, ive had my fun, im off'"

is this 2004 or 1900?

Deadwing

Beruthiel wrote:

and so what I understand from that comment is
any bloke who gives it up straight away is more likely to, and I quote: "prolly not got too many morals, more than likely gonna be the type whod cheat, ive had my fun, im off'"


is this 2004 or 1900?

well...yeah. Pretty much all of us....lol

uberwolf

There's a joke which may be instructive in this case (sorry to be cruel)

What's the difference between a washing machine and *insert name*?
You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for a week!

So blokes like the sex, will go to unusual lengths to get it (very often subconciously) and wonder what all the fuss was about very shortly afterwards.

From the morals perspective, each to their own, you can berate someone for double standards, they probably won't be able to defend themselves but it's their perogative in the end.

Zulu

Beruthiel wrote:

and so what I understand from that comment is
any bloke who gives it up straight away is more likely to, and I quote: "prolly not got too many morals, more than likely gonna be the type whod cheat, ive had my fun, im off'"

is this 2004 or 1900?

I dunno B - sure you know yourself - boy and girls are fickle. It mightn't be fair, but it's one of them boy/girl differences.

skywalker

Lexie wrote:

Ill learn eventually!

well until youd do, dya wanna meet up for a drink

Beruthiel

skywalker wrote:

well until youd do, dya wanna meet up for a drink

skywalker
please read the charter with regards to comments such as this
B

Zulu

60 seconds - your getting better


i know, i know - read the charter!

Sleepy

Deadwing wrote:

Agreed.
I mean if you give it up straight off the bat, hes more than likely going to think 'well hey if shes this easy, shes prolly not got too many morals, more than likely gonna be the type whod cheat, ive had my fun, im off'.
(not saying your easy or a cheat, but thats the impressin he could have gotten from sleeping with you on the first date)

Does the average Irish guy put that much thought into things these days?

I must be falling behind...

Lexie

So in general, some guys think you are easy and a slut if you go home with them on the first date and wont take a relationship with you serious. And other guys might think your easy but if they like you, will give you a chance and may take a trlationship with you serious. Got it.

Evil Phil

Iago wrote:

It never ceases to amaze me how many guys are willing to sleep with a girl on the first night and then brand the girl "not relationship material" if she's not relationship material then why sleep with her in the first place? If you haven't formed some sort of attraction then you wouldn't have slept with her at all, how do you know what kind of relationship you would have if you gave it a chance?

Because she's hot and I want to get my rocks off. Its sex for the sake of sex. Sometimes people just fancy a shag.

For the original poster: I'm afraid he was just after a shag. He should have made it clearer though.

uberwolf

Lexie wrote:

So in general, some guys think you are easy and a slut if you go home with them on the first date and wont take a relationship with you serious. And other guys might think your easy but if they like you, will give you a chance and may take a trlationship with you serious. Got it.

also for the best part those who think you're easy won't be concerned about that fact in and of itself but the number of guys who've been there before them, were they better etc, and those concerns can be seriously undermining.