Noah's Second Ark

billy the squid

God told Noah: "I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. I want to save a few good people and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an ark." And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for the Ark. "Okay" said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

In time the sky got dark and rain began to fall lightly.

God looked down and saw Noah sitting in his front yard, weeping, and there was no ark!

"Noah", shouted God, "where is the ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!", begged Noah, "I did my best but there were problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark Construction Project and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and the size and location of the handicapped restroom.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission. Do you know how long that took?

"Next, I had a problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting the trees, something about de-forestation. A lot of the trees had long nails and spikes driven into them and I am afraid that there are alot of holes in the planks we did cut. In addition another group joined in with the Tree Huggers, someone trying to save the Spotted Owl.

I had to convince the Fish and Wildlife Agency that I needed the wood to save the owls. They wouldn't let me catch my owls, so no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. I still don't have any owls.

"I started gathering up the animals and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking the animals according to your instructions. You said that I could take seven of the clean ones and that made an odd one, without a mate - big long meetings over that one, Lord. Have you seen the attorney fees?

"When I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. More attorney fees and I still don't have any owls.

"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plane. I sent them a globe.

"Right now I am still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm supposed to hire.

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country.

"I just received a notice from the state about owing them some kind of Use Tax

"Lord, I really don't think I can build this Ark, at least not get started for another five years", wailed Noah.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and a beautiful rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?"

"No", said the Lord sadly, "The government already has."

Gordon