Rodney Dangerfield Tribute

Hagar

A great funny man died today. Some of his priceless one-liners.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!

I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

Oh, when I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I used to go to a drive-in movie and do push-ups in the backseat of my car.

I was making love to one girl, I told her, "You're so flat-chested." She said, "Get off my back."

I said to one girl, "Come on, honey, I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You better, 'cause the last time I couldn't find it."

Oh, when I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler with me. Yeah, just in case I have to prove something.

Oh, when I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them - that way they could park in a handicapped section.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

Oh, this girl was fat, when she walks backward, she starts beeping. I mean, fat. She asked me why my eyes were bulging, I told her, "You're standing on my foot!"

A lot of girls turn me down. One girl turned me down, she said she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, "I'll be finished by then!"

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

I'm getting old. I got no sex life. I get tired just holding up the magazine. At my age, I like to get sex over quickly. Then I can get to the nap.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

Oh, my wife loves vacations. The other night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to a men's room.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Oh, when I was a kid I was poor. We were so poor, when my father died; they asked my mother, "Paper or plastic?"

Last night I came home, I walked in the house, I picked up the extension. My wife was having phone sex with some guy. I told the guy, "Don't let her fool you, she's faking it."

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

I tell ya, with me, sleep is important. Well, last night I went to bed, I couldn't sleep. I started to count sheep - I got horny!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.