He Wants Me But He's With Her

pandaamanda

In need of a bit of advice, I'll try and cut a long story short, a male friend of mine, who I've fancied for years and he's fancied me for years in fact I'm in love with him and have just told him, hes told me hes crazy about me but.... hes living with someone who kinda stole him off me if that doesnt sound too childish! We were together then she came along and chased him so now hes with her and has been for years, im just out of a relationship, we have kissed a few times in the last few weeks, so hes obviously 2 timing her and i have 2 timed my bfriend with him but we still never got together, he says the time still isnt right but he wants to see me while hes with her and says we may get together in the future, i know its wrong and so does he but i am genuinely in love with him hes the only one for me i feel ive been in 2 long term relationships but he has always been there in my head. i just dont know if we should be meeting behind his gfriends back etc I do feel bad for her but ive been treated like **** so why not give back a little. any advice would be great although i know what you will prbably say but please dont be too harsh on me!

aidan_walsh

Ok.

If he really wanted you, and he's only dating this girl (i.e. not married), why is he still with her after chasing you for the last few weeks? Hell, if he had wanted you in the first going down, why dump you for her at all?

I'd say its time to cut your losses...

OfflerCrocGod

pandaamanda wrote:

hes living with someone who kinda stole him off me if that doesnt sound too childish! We were together then she came along and chased him so now hes with her and has been for years,

Right a very long term steal then? Maybe he's just getting bored of her and you are providing him with a little excitement.

im just out of a relationship,

He's going for the rebound.

we have kissed a few times in the last few weeks, so hes obviously 2 timing her and i have 2 timed my bfriend with him but we still never got together,

You're both cheats and couldn't care less.

he says the time still isnt right but he wants to see me while hes with her and says we may get together in the future,

LOL, he's taking you for a ride. He likes his long termer but he also likes his bit on the side - so he's going to have both at the same time; lucky him.

i know its wrong and so does he but i am genuinely in love with him hes the only one for me i feel ive been in 2 long term relationships but he has always been there in my head. i just dont know if we should be meeting behind his gfriends back etc I do feel bad for her but ive been treated like ****

I want to justify my cheating with her boyfriend behind her back so I'm going to think she deserves it - after all he was *MINE* the little hussy *stole* him

so why not give back a little.

Exactly.

any advice would be great although i know what you will prbably say but please dont be too harsh on me!

I want you to agree with me and soothe my conscience. Please make me feel better about this so I can get the courage to go all the way with him.

embee

He needs to sort out what he wants.

Don't let him fill your head with all this "I am always thinking of you when I am with her" stuff. The fact of the matter is, he hasn't done anything about leaving her... He says "the time isn't right" but will it ever be?

It seems that maybe he wants to have his cake and eat it too...

Whatever is going between ye two, it isn't this other girls fault. You say you feel bad for her, but why do you continue on with seeing him?

If he really wants to leave her and be with you, he should have done it. Do they have a child together or something that makes it difficult for him to leave, or is he just spineless?

Do you really want to be with someone that is perfectly happy with the idea of keeping you as a 'bit on the side' with only a possibility of ye being together properly?

She "stole" him off you.... are you sure you aren't just trying to steal him back? If he has stayed with her all of this time, its not likely that they are desperately unhappy together.

I think you are fooling yourself, to be honest. I don't think he is going to break it off to be with you. He said himself that when he is with her, he is thinking of you and wants to see you. That makes me think that he is more enamoured with the illicit "affair" than with being with you in a relationship....

Thats my two cents.

pandaamanda

First of all, I dont make a habit of two timing people, never have well I have I suppose but only with him and I broke up with my then bf (5 and half years ago) after I two timed him.

Embee:- He says the reason the time isn't right just now is becuase they have just got a mortgage together, no kids thank god. He said he thought I was settled so he tried to settle but now he knows different. I am not trying to steal him back off her I have genuine feelings for him and I have been getting threats off her for years, he says she always throws my name up at him when they fight. He says hes not happy and yeah I know I am probably fooling myself but Ive been through a lot (abusive relationship etc) and he makes me happy regardless of his girlfriend, I know I cant be iwth him all day every day but when we do spend time together i forget about everything so why not enjoy it and see what happens!

embee

pandaamanda wrote:

He says the reason the time isn't right just now is becuase they have just got a mortgage together, no kids thank god.

In fairness, that just sounds like an excuse to keep you sweet.

he says she always throws my name up at him when they fight.

Yes, and with complete justification it seems.

when we do spend time together i forget about everything so why not enjoy it and see what happens!

Because in the long run, you are deluding yourself. He isn't going to leave her. You say that you love him, so its not just a sexual thing. There is your first problem right there. You are emotionally invested. Therefore, you won't be able to just wing it and see what happens..... thats not your fault as such, you love him, but you have to be realistic. If things were really bad between them, one of them would have left the other. Did she somehow manage to sweet talk him into signing his life away into a joint mortgage? I wouldn't have thought so.

You were in an abusive relationship before... well, in a way, this is emotionally abusive of you. I'm sure he knows that you are deeply in love with him, and he knows that you don't want to be a bit on the side. But - he plays you. He plays you and you let him. He knows deep down that he isn't going to leave her... but he won't just be honest with you, because it means that he won't have his cake and eat it.

Get away from this scenario... you are gonna end up the most hurt by this.

pandaamanda

pandaamanda wrote:

Embee:- He says the reason the time isn't right just now is becuase they have just got a mortgage together

If its a recent mortgage, then his commitment to it has been small and legally and financially not as big an issue as it looks depending on his financial circumstances and on whether he put up much of the deposit etc.
I do know, speaking personally, if I was in his shoes and I really wanted to be with you, the mortgage would come second.
That lends credence to the him wanting his cake and eating it argument.

On the other hand it could be just a convenient excuse for him being too lilly livered to make the difficult choice to end it with his long termer and committ to you.
You are facilitating him in this-he definitely has it good.

I know I cant be iwth him all day every day but when we do spend time together i forget about everything so why not enjoy it and see what happens!

Well you see theres the kicker.
I've every sympathy for you wanting to get what you are getting out of this ie your present relative happiness.
But it may be a bubble that could in future be ( and indeed shows the signs of ) bursting in your face leaving you heart broken.
That may be an impossible situation to contemplate right now but it is a very probable one.
It seems that it is a risk that you are willing to take as the feelings you have when you are with this guy and probably your feelings of "looking foward" to being with him when you can, mean so much to you.

Your heart is ruling your head right now.
It never does that without a reason you know and clearly the reason is your emotional need for this bloke.
I'll put two things to you in conclusion.

First consider very carefully whether you are paying too high a price for this emotional crutch (and thats what it is, even if it's effects are masking your ability to see this) but remember if you think you want to continue but your bubble bursts and you end up being heartbroken, this forum is here and you can vent.
Which leads me to the second thing, Love and passion in my experience anyway is a distraction albeit a necessary one.
While you are under its influence with one person , Remember that other people also have the capability to make you feel the same.
This guy may be wonderfull tonight but I can guarantee you that some other guy will be too.
Thing is, the side effects of falling for some one that doesnt committ and ultimately lets you down is the pain of the re adjustment or mourning period that you will have.

Agent Smith

"if you love somebody, them them free"

as sting once wrote...


if it's really thinks it's what you both want, you should confront him.... BUT

if it really doesnt work out, he may never talk to you again...

ferdi

challenge that bitch to a fight to the death - star trek style

"den den den de de den den de de de den!"

whoever survives gets the boy.

fitz

You all knew it would come.....






















Typedef his sister.



But, really, ultimatum time. Put the brakes on things and see what he really wants.
Don't get taken for a ride, it'll only result in you being more hurt down the line.


Seriously though...typedef the sister.

Zulu

This guy is pulling the piss - move on.
If her really wanted to be with you - he would be, but the fact is he's not.
Sorry.

country_gurl

lmao and your falling for "the time isnt right". Tell me another joke. Guys (and girls) say this to keep the other person sweet. Even if he did "make do" by settling with this other girl, why go out and get a mortgage? In fairness if someone wasn't that happy they wouldnt spend 300,000 euro + to share their life together. You need to get a grip, move on. Do you seriously think he'll ever change? Do you really want to spend your life with a cheat with you doing all the running as the girlfriend while he runs after another wan. How can you build a solid relationship without trust when you know he's a cheat. Of course he is lovely and kind and caring, he's a bloody charmer and only wants 1 thing, "to get into your knickers". It amazes me how many girls go out with cheating guys (and vice versa). If i knew a guy cheated with me on someone else i'd be putting on my roller blades and getting the hell out of there. Get a bloke that will actually care for you and as far as you know doesnt cheat (coz nobody really knows). I'm not going to be nice to you, your a cheater and the guy you like is a cheater and to be honest you'd be well suited. My heart goes out to that other girl, who has just put all her money and heart into that relationship (to find out someone has cheated on you is the worst feeling ever, your heart just breaks in 2 - even if you didnt love the guy). And some little hussy comes around and tries to "steal"him. Well lucky him he's getting his bread buttered on both sides. And whats that saying "you cant have your cake and eat it" - well looks he can.

GOOD-DAY TO YOU

evie

I agree 100% with country_gurl. It really rips a person apart to find out they have been cheated on. You really need to sit down and have a good long think about this one. I don't know the guy or his intentions towards you but from this angle, he is looking decidedly sleazy and very cruel and, as a consequence, if you are found out, you will both be responsible not just him. It takes 2 to tango.

Again, think long and hard. Is it really worth it all??

FX Meister

Why would he get a mortgage with someone he didnt want to be with, making it so much harder for himself if he wanted leave the relationship. I think you should let your little secret come out, be it get caught by friends or whatever, that way she finds out and it gives him no excuse and he will have to choose.

ravenhead

You really need to take a step back from this, It seems like you're making it too easy for him to have you both. It might hurt you to do it but is'n't it better to get a little hurt now to see what he really wants, instead of waiting around like an ape like you've been doing, letting him treat you & his g/f like crap, I mean come on girl, where is your self respect??????????

Kell

ravenhead wrote:

You really need to take a step back from this, It seems like you're making it too easy for him to have you both.

Couldnt agree more. Anyone in a position where they love you, but have a mortgage over their head would put you first. Simple as that. Think of when you want to get out of a relationship. You get out because you love yourself more than the other person and the relationship. Preservation woman. Look after yourself here.

Just about every poster here has stated "HE IS TAKING YOU FOR A RIDE" yet your mind wont sit up and take notice of this fact. Close friend make good liars. Best friends make extraordinarily good liars. Get out now because theres only pain on the way for you. Its time for you to sit up and read the writing on dem dere boards before you get entirely shafted. Pun intended.

K-

BEAT

I have been there,oh yes...and I mean the exact same situation. Morethen once!
It takes a while for you to cop on when you think you are in love with them, but he is infact having his cake and eating it too.

I am sorry sister, it will hurt for awhile to know that he played you as a fool, but you will get over it and in the long run you will be better off. You cant see it now, we never do, but you will I promise.

Cut the strings now and begin your healing process,
they always seem sincere and you want to believe what they say, giving them the benefit of the doubt again and again, but you only lose in the end.

I wish you happiness in the future hun, sorry you were another of the unfortunate women to come across the devil in disguise.

AngryBadger

right...right,so basically, you're allowing this guy to totally abuse you. He gets to stick to this other biznatch every night of the week, and whenever he feels like adding a little flava he calls you up, scores you. And sends you off.

And he achieves this with you thinking it's come ****ing halfwit uber-romance. Let me boil it down for u. it's not. you're just another in a long line of halfwits this guy has been banging on the side. Probably has been banging on the side for a long while now.

So you can
a)Tell him to go **** himself, thus maintaining the tiny shreds of dignity he has left you

b)Continue to screw this guy behind his girlfriends' back, and poass it off with the pathetic idea that he really loves you, until he gets you pregnant and ****s of to bang someone else, at which point yourealise he played you like the cheap little whatver you are, except now you have a a baby.....good job retard

Gordon

AngryBadger wrote:

b)Continue to screw this guy behind his girlfriends' back, and poass it off with the pathetic idea that he really loves you, until he gets you pregnant and ****s of to bang someone else, at which point yourealise he played you like the cheap little whatver you are, except now you have a a baby.....good job retard

AngryBadger; your bat-insult-filter isn't working properly, please re-calibrate.

AngryBadger

Gordon wrote:

AngryBadger; your bat-insult-filter isn't working properly, please re-calibrate.

sorry was drunk when i posted this.

luckat

If he behaves like this towards her, he'd behave like this towards you. Get yourself a man of your own, one you can trust, and have a happy life, pet.

Shad0r

A lasting relationship MUST have trust, it just wont happen without it and can you really trust a guy who has established that he plays around?

This is tough but there are only two options for you as I see them:
1) End it with him completely, (I think you asked if its ok for you to be seeing him behind his gf's back? Its not ok, doesnt matter if you;ve had a hard time. That still does not make it excusable.) OR
2) Tell him that if he really wants you then he has to choose you. Give him an ultimatum and deny all 'priviledges' until he DOES something. So far from what you've said he seems to have only TALKED. Actions speak louder than words.

Typedef

"Oh I'm a bit on the side... but, he loves me really".

Thank god women are so gullable !




No but seriously... loike ask him to leave his girlfriend... if he won't, your choices are

A: Continue deluding yourself that you aren't simply an easy lay for him.

B: Realise that the guy never, ever leaves the primary woman for the secondary woman, unless kicked to the kerb by the primary.

Such is life.

Plus, since you were two timing the boyfriend, with the ex, exactly what level of sympathy you're expecting here is not totally clear to me.

Clearly even though you probably dumped the boyfriend for this other guy who was in a relationship... your bit on the side didn't reciprocate, by dumping his girlfriend.



oops.

I suppose in some sense of the concept you were probably just targetted by a man who knew he could have you... allowed you to get attached to him... and had absolutely zero intention of leaving his woman... such are men.


Personally... I think you should take out your heartbreak and anguish with a good Fitzfication... possibly several... perhaps with a sister.... and a camera, you could be able to borrow one from Ga.. I mean The Corinthian.

Go forth, end it with your ex... have honour and pride... perhaps tell all his friends he's crap in bed/has a small cock.

That should make you feel much better !

LegacyUser

REALITY CHECK: He does not want you. Find your own boyfriend.

meepmeep

He doesn't want you. What he wants is his girlfriend to be there at home waiting for him every night, whilst having you on hand for when hes really horny.

Ultimatum time - you're probably not gonna come out the winner, but you never were anyway.

The Corinthian

pandaamanda wrote:

He says the reason the time isn't right just now is becuase they have just got a mortgage together, no kids thank god.

I recommend that you give him head next time he explains to you how the time isn’t right, because frankly if you’re going to swallow a story like that, I suspect you’ll swallow the other with just as much gusto.

Alternatively you should walk away.

It’s both up to you and how much of glutton for punishment you are.

Pun intended.

GuanYin

Sometimes I really wonder was I ever that gullible in a relationship with someone, you hear about stuff like this a bit, but I just can't ever imagine anyone getting away with it. Surely people are smarter than this.

No offence, but the last time I was in love, there was pretty much nothing on earth that would make me not want to be with the person. No work, money, other person would have been an excuse (cos thats what he's using, excuses, not reasons) to not be with her.

I can't imagine love being any other way. So I suspect he is, in fact, a lying bastard who knows he can have you whatever way he likes and his gf (who he probably doesn't love either) too.

He wants his cake and to eat you too.

tinkerbell

Give him an ultimatum:

1. he leaves his girl and gets with you properly
2. he stays with her, and you're out of his life for good

Come on girl, don't be made a fool of - if he really wanted to be with you, he would just ditch the other girl, mortgage or no mortgage. He's just playing you both. I pity his poor girlfriend, who probably is chuffed that they are starting a life together (mortgage, etc.) and not realising that he's cheating on her with someone else. Put yourself in her position - how would you feel if that was you?

Anyway, given his track record, he probably falls for a girl, then waits for something better to come along, etc. What if you two get together and then he does the same thing to you as well (i.e. cheats on you with his bit on the side?) - how would you feel then?

This guy is so not good for you, there are plenty more fish in the sea. You're better off to just walk away now, otherwise you're making it harder on yourself in the long run, and tiz only you that's suffering.

LegacyUser

What if he agreed on his own accord to break up with the other girl? Can the relationship still work.

I have found myself in a similar situation however I would not be as flippant to say that I am in love. The guy I am seeing is in a long distance, open relationship. He has told me that he will break up with his current girlfriend as I am unwilling to continue the way things are. He is flying over to her country tomorrow to break up with her. He knows that I am serious with regard this as I have already finished things with him once already over this. I am not blind to the reality of my situation but I would like to know other peoples' experiences. I don't want to come across to him like he has to break up with her either. He has one hundred percent choice in the matter. He can stay with her and loose me or leave her and be with me. Sorry if I appear to be hijacking this thread a bit.

LegacyUser

To the original poster - leave him...you are only wasting your time, if he had wanted to leave he would have left by now. If you still really want him then give him a specified time to leave her (have no contact with him during that time) and see him after that time.

To the guest poster - I was dumped in a similar situation (I found out about the other woman so I left) - he still wanted me back after he moved on with the other woman...

pandaamanda

First of all.... we are not sleeping together so he is not using me for sex. If I havent already said we have known each other 10 years so he's just not someone I have suddenly fallen for.

I have read all your posts and I know most of you think Im a fool to even go there but... I think I will try and take your advice. I dont want to make him choose I dont think that would be fair, he needs to make the choice for him.

fitz

Good luck with the doormat philosophy...

Zulu

Well put Fitz.

Zombrex

pandaamanda wrote:

First of all.... we are not sleeping together so he is not using me for sex. If I havent already said we have known each other 10 years so he's just not someone I have suddenly fallen for.

I have read all your posts and I know most of you think Im a fool to even go there but... I think I will try and take your advice. I dont want to make him choose I dont think that would be fair, he needs to make the choice for him.

He needs to decide if he wants to be with the other girl irrespective of whether he wants to be with you or not. No offence but he sounds quite immature. He was “settling down” with her because what? He didn’t think anything else would come along. He needs to sort his relationship with this girl out, and he probably needs to break up with her, if he actually doesn’t want to be with her.

But he needs to do all this with you far far away. And you need to get far far away from him. You don’t want him to “choose” you because you will never know if he is just bored with his current girl friend. And likewise, you don’t know if he would simply stay with the current one if you weren’t around.

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself. I wouldn’t go near him until he has.

koneko

I dont want to make him choose I dont think that would be fair, he needs to make the choice for him.

So, in other words, you're going to continue seeing him and hope he cops on himself. Get real. He's going to string you along. You may well have known him 10 years, that doesn't mean anything. "He wouldn't do that". He's already cheating on his girlfriend. Even if you two aren't having sex he's in an emotionally intimate relationship with you and is saying he'll leave his girlfriend. It's a type of cheating. How do you think she would feel if she found out? How would you feel. He is that type of person.

Back off, see does he leave her, if he does get together if you want. Not before then. You'll always be the other woman otherwise.

The Corinthian

Wicknight wrote:

No offence but he sounds quite immature.

Off topic, I know, but still... What is the assumption that such behavior is immature? It may be that, but it could equally be quite ruthless and calculated. If so, it may be anti-social, but anti-social behavior does not necessarily imply lack of maturity.

Just an observation. Curious on people’s take on it.

WhiteWashMan

call around to his new house and announce you are there for a threesome.


but, be prepared. you never know *what* might happen!

Zombrex

The Corinthian wrote:

Off topic, I know, but still... What is the assumption that such behavior is immature? It may be that, but it could equally be quite ruthless and calculated. If so, it may be anti-social, but anti-social behavior does not necessarily imply lack of maturity.

Just an observation. Curious on people’s take on it.

Those would have been my next choices

If it is more than simple immaturity, then yes it sounds like he is being ruthless and playing both girls along. Either way I think the girl needs to avoid the guy. SHe seems very much under his thumb, and in those cases it is hard to see that you are being mistreated. She needs to step back from the whole thing.

tinkerbell

Oh and about this:

You were going out with him
He dumped you for her
Now he's with her and he's seeing you on the side
He says he wants you but it's not the right time for him

Why are you even considering being with this guy after he dumped you once already for the other girl?

And the time will never be right for him to leave her for you. He's already got a mortgage with her, and if he's using that excuse now - what happens when they get hitched, have a few kids, etc.?

Like Fitz said - don't be a doormat! Move on!

It seems like so many girls fall for morons like this - please don't be another statistic!!!

Shad0r

pandaamanda wrote:

I dont want to make him choose I dont think that would be fair, he needs to make the choice for him.

I dont understand how you could possibly think that it wouldnt be fair to him to have to choose between the two of you? Trust me when I say he will make the decision for him. Who else would he choose for? You? Her?? I dont think so.

Dont worry about that. If he has a mortgauge and chooses you then its cause he wants to be with you, and not her. If he chooses her then it cause he was always going to choose her and you never had a shot at him anyway.

Maybe I'm wrong, but what you've said sounds like your massivly insecure. Its time to face up to the fact that you can do better. I think, from what you've said, that probably you know already that he's going to pick her if given an ultimatum and that scares you because then you'll loose the intimacy you already have with him and your heart will be broken. But how are you going to feel when it progresses (by virtue of its nature it cant stand still, so like any relationship, it has to progress) and then one day he phones to say that its over cause he has a kid on the way or because he's getting married?

For Gods sake, actually no, for your own sake, stand up and have a bit of pride in yourself, your worth more than that. Yes its going to be hard, but its only going to get harder as time goes by. Surely you must realise that?

pandaamanda

Hi all!!

Thanks for all your replies! I know you are all right! I havent heard from him in over 24 hours and before that it was 48, I "cant" text him until he texts me first, I am getting annoyed now, he knows how much I love him and how much I care but I don't think he is going to choose me, he will stay with her and probably wants me on the side, I dont know my heart is breaking and were not even together so i think theres only 1 thing for it....

Tiriel

just remember how this feels and it should make you think twice if he gets in touch again. you deserve better than this crap.

OfflerCrocGod

pandaamanda wrote:

I dont know my heart is breaking and were not even together so i think theres only 1 thing for it....

Sorry about it but it was bound to end up bad - it seems like you know what you have to do though. Next time you see him walk up to him and then kick him hard in the balls. Wanker deserves it

fitz

pandaamanda wrote:

...so i think theres only 1 thing for it....

Typedeffing the sister...

You're better off without.
There's more than one person out there for everyone.
Make sure you get closure on this now though, otherwise you'll have him on your mind on an ongoing basis, and tbh, he doesn't sound like he deserves it.

Typedef

Yes, yes, sleep with his sister all you like....

The other alternative is to rat him out to his current...

"Oh I couldn't"
"Oh I'm not that vindictive"
"Oh I love him too much"


blah.

Get your own back.... and umm.... if your measurements are similar to 36, 30, 34(?)... I could use a good Fitzing[1]


[1] Fitzing : Vernacular.

Case 1:
Almost getting caught in oral coitus by a girlfriend's mother.

Case 2:
See case 1:

Case 3:
ummm...

WhiteWashMan

is that the norweigan blue?

beautiful plummage...

Walls

Why the hell are you putting up with this?

It is a serious question, there are indeed plenty of other 'men' out there somewhere.

He's pratically ****ing her in front of you, and the absence of text messages is what turns you off? Would you ever stay away from the dating scene until you can grasp your own worth, its not his job to make you feel better about yourself. (Fine job he'd do of it, too)

Shad0r

pandaamanda wrote:

I dont know my heart is breaking and were not even together so i think theres only 1 thing for it....

Yeah I'm sorry to hear that. It sucks, but the longer you have this half assed relationship the worse it'll get. Dont back down from your decision once its been made or it will become something you regret....Nothing worse than regrets imo.