Getting better:normal symptom?

Battlesnake

Depression & anxiety

Over the last few days have been going through the usual uncontrolled routine that happens before I head into a downer.
Not sleeping or eating, not really going out etc etc.
2 differences, this time I felt really really sick for no apparent reason, like my body was fighting against the way I was feeling or possibly getting panicked about the whole thing?
Also when I break down usually, I'm crying in a heap and a complete mess.
Well today I hit breaking point, possibly because I read over some stuff I'd written two years ago and I got pretty upset. Instead of crying and plummeting into a suicidal spiral, I'm angry.
Really angry. Like I could seriously tear the house apart right now. The thing that's stopping me from doing so is that I'm scared of falling down at the end of it all in a ball of tears and that that will be me for the next two months, trying to get over yet another little episode of yukkiness.
Theres so many times I've needed to get angry before and now that I can I have nowhere to direct it. I can't afford to get down right now, I've worked so hard to get where I am and I feel happy. . . on the outside. . . . it's just the deeper stuff that keeps coming out. . . .
I'm not sure how to handle this.
Could this be a good sign that the usual pattern of things is changing?
Anyone else gone through this?
(I already go to a psychotherapist and am planning to discuss this with her asap. . . .)

MrNuked

Yeah I can relate what you describe to things I've experienced. It's the negative feelings coming out, instead of being internalised and turned against yourself, which is what makes you feel self-destructive impulses. So it's basically a good thing, although long-supressed rage can be very difficult to control. Fear of losing control and going off the rails or doing something stupid makes it difficult.
Definitely definitely definitely stay well clear of alcohol while you feel like that. Exercise is one way of dealing with it. Weight training or aggressive sports allows you to work off aggression in a constructive manner. "Internal" sports like tai chi, juggling, yoga etc may help in helping you find balance and being able to let go of the bad feelings you have.
There are loads of ways of venting. The important thing is that you do, so you don't internalise it and hurt yourself. Painting, writing, shouting, listening to heavy metal music all allow you to express this sort of anger in a benign or constructive manner.
Music is a biggy too. Listen to aggressive or at least upbeat music, and no Leonard Cohen, Radiohead or Coldplay! It's surprising how much of a difference this can make!
Stay off hash if you smoke it too. That is essentially a sensitizing drug. You don't want to be sensitized when you are feeling ****ty.

Victor

Sounds like you need to work out your frustrations. Do some exercise to work off the adrenilin, chop firewood or turn up the music loud and just jump around the house.