Extra"marital" Affairs

Banjo013

Hey folks.

Been with my girlfriend almost 4 years now. We get on great - I do believe that we'll marry one day and when we're both 90 years old, we'll still tell each other that we love each other.

Still there's that one thing I've never told her - I so much want to sleep with other women. Even had a brief affair last year, about which I still feel bad. Ok call me a bastard and a sad old git and whatever else comes to mind ... but the fact remains. Now don't get me wrong - I do love her. Maybe I'm just highly sexed or something, but I can't help thinking about women I meet on a daily basis. They all facinate me - I mean all women do. Don't know why, but they do.

Does anyone else experience the same thing, or am I really a mad bastard ??! All openions welcome, especially female views !

Thanks guys

MazdaMan

To be quite honest that is a natural male thing to do. The problem really here is do you love your girlfriend enough to exclude other women.

This can be found out the hard way, you get married - some time down the line you meet someone - great sex, but you cant't leave because you love your now wife too much. Someone says something about the relationship one night when you are out having a few drinks.

Life over - Start again, or if you are lucky you wife will understand, accept you back and it will never happen again.

The easy way is to say - YES...I love my girlfriend enough to exclude other women.

The choice is yours to make.

Lifes a bitch then you die.

keu

as your not married, it's hardly extra marital but you do seem to consider her as your "long term mate". I don't know how old you are but it is only natural to want to play the field and spread your seed and most people aren't ready to settle down with much commitment until late 30's and early forties and usually in those cases with a family in tow.

I would think you could be fair to both yourself and your gf though, doubt she'd be a happy bunny if she thought you were screwing around on her and perhaps her love for you would become fairly transparent if she knew too. (and she might look for security elswhere)...this would leave you free to enjoy other relationships on your own perogative.

dub45

Banjo013 wrote:

Hey folks.

Been with my girlfriend almost 4 years now. We get on great - I do believe that we'll marry one day and when we're both 90 years old, we'll still tell each other that we love each other.

Still there's that one thing I've never told her - I so much want to sleep with other women. Even had a brief affair last year, about which I still feel bad. Ok call me a bastard and a sad old git and whatever else comes to mind ... but the fact remains. Now don't get me wrong - I do love her. Maybe I'm just highly sexed or something, but I can't help thinking about women I meet on a daily basis. They all facinate me - I mean all women do. Don't know why, but they do.

Does anyone else experience the same thing, or am I really a mad bastard ??! All openions welcome, especially female views !

Thanks guys

How would you feel if you read the equivalent post by your gf? (and I dont ask that question in a critical way at all)

Typedef

Won't someone think of the children?




"ba haw haw hahahahaha !".

*sigh*.

No but seriously :
You should sleep with her sister... I mean come on, you know... in for a penny... in for a pound, you've already crossed that particular bridge... may as well, enjoy the sin !

mad m

well its a now know fact alot more people are seperating or getting divorced,not many are staying in a long term relationships.....as they say the grass is greener on the otherside,Is it?......

LegacyUser

I sincerely think that all men would cheat if they could get away with it - you know the 11th commandment thou shalt not get caught. I have just finished a five year relationship because my ex cheated on me, mentally (ie by talking and sharing things that he should have discussed with me). I think I could have coped with the physical stuff if it was a drunken night but this was planned, kept away from me for months and generally underhand.

Having said that I ave also had an affair with a married man (beforehand). Wrong, but my way of looking at it was that it was his conscience. It was purely a confidence booseter at a time I felt low

Etain

Since you aren't yet married, why not suggest to her that you both see other people for a while? That would make the situation fair to her. She would be free to find someone loyal, and you would be free to chase other women without guilt.

toxic_angel

ive to say that been cheated on is very very hurtful you feel as if its your fault that u didnt keep them interested enough..... talk to ur partner

if u cant have honesty in a relationship, then there is no realtionship

Banjo013

Thanks people, alot of views there that are good to read.

I think it's an urge I'm going to have to learn to suppress. I do love my gf for many many reasons (I'm 28 years old by the way, so not just a confused teenager !). It would hurt her to even learn that I have these thoughts, never mind if she ever found out I had acted on them.

Maybe I need to find another outlet for my surplus energy, maybe I'll take up golf or something ... boring or what ?!

It's all such a risky business anyway. I'll never forget last year when I did have the fling ... constantly thinking of ways to hide it, always worried I'll drop myself in it by saying something that gives the whole shootin' match away. And not just with my gf, with the other girl too. God it was messy, I ended up so exhausted when it ended.

So the human race has made itself a monogamous one ... hope I can blend in to that somehow !

D!ve^Bomb!

helia wrote:

I sincerely think that all men would cheat if they could get away with it - you know the 11th commandment thou shalt not get caught. I have just finished a five year relationship because my ex cheated on me, mentally (ie by talking and sharing things that he should have discussed with me). I think I could have coped with the physical stuff if it was a drunken night but this was planned, kept away from me for months and generally underhand.

Having said that I ave also had an affair with a married man (beforehand). Wrong, but my way of looking at it was that it was his conscience. It was purely a confidence booseter at a time I felt low

you're a bit of a muppet ain't ya :rolleyes:

Beruthiel

keep it civil newband
B

chill

Banjo013 wrote:

Still there's that one thing I've never told her - I so much want to sleep with other women.

So ? And you think you are different than everyone else ? I have news for you..... we are ALL the same more or less.

It's all about the difference between dating and marriage.

If you want to have sex with every woman you fancy then fine.... but don't be an ass*ole and lie to your girlfriend by getting married.

Marriage is about deciding that although you WANT to... you chose NOT to. Get it ?

So until you are ready to make that promise to your girlfriend.... spare her the misery.

Beruthiel

Banjo013
I suggest you do not get married until you start using the brain in your skull as opposed to the one downstairs.
If you really care about your g/f you owe her that much.
Marriage is a long term and sometimes difficult commitment, you do not walk into it unless both your eyes are open.
If you continue to behave as you have in the past, she will find out, eventually.
Time to grow up and decided what exactly it is you want from life.
As someone said here, you can’t have your cake and eat it.

narommy

Banjo013 wrote:

Does anyone else experience the same thing, or am I really a mad bastard ??!

Yes, and No!

Most men i think feel the same way about women, its human nature, spread the seed etc (which really is the last thing you want to be doing if you are in a confused situation). I often wish i'd some fun before i got all committed, but I love my girl

A mad bastard would be someone who gets hammered in a posh bar, strips off, runs naked down the street, swims accross the liffey, and then is arrested trying to climb the Spire on O'Connell Street

But seriously, it's not an easy situation, but since you tried playing around and didn't seem to enjoy it and you claim to love your gf then maybe you should just sit back and enjoy the life you have.

Try not to look at other womwn too much and if you do just say to yourself, "i'd never pull her" or more likely " she's fit, I bet she'd be a right moody bitch, i really don't need the baggage"

Zulu

Beruthiel wrote:

keep it civil newband
B

Yea but in all fairness Beruthiel - helia is a bit of a muppet.

Gordon

Zulu wrote:

Yea but in all fairness Beruthiel - helia is a bit of a muppet.

What part of "keep it civil newband" did you not read Zulu?

:rhetorical question smiley eggbert:

pickarooney

Beruthiel wrote:

Banjo013
I suggest you do not get married until you start using the brain in your skull as opposed to the one downstairs.
If you really care about your g/f you owe her that much.
Marriage is a long term and sometimes difficult commitment, you do not walk into it unless both your eyes are open.
If you continue to behave as you have in the past, she will find out, eventually.
Time to grow up and decided what exactly it is you want from life.
As someone said here, you can’t have your cake and eat it.

Reassure me, women do realise that all men have an urge to shag every half-way fit female they see, right? It's got nothing to do with whether or not you love your partner. Even Angelina's Jolie's boyfriend wants to bang every piece of tail in sight. It's just the way it is. The proof that he loves you is that he's willing to forego any chance of actually acting on these urges (chance would be a fine thing) to be with you.
It may well be the same thing for women, but I doubt they'll ever admit it

Swarfboy

Yes indeedy....."spreadin the seed etc" is natural enough for any man to feel...most women don't realise this fully untill their sons are teenagers and they see the full impact of male puberty ....
Having said that after a long night with several friends in london...1 seikh, 1 muslim and several lapsed christians... it was decided that the "ideal" male situation was to have 3 women in your life at any one time...
1) your wife, the bearer of your children and the woman you love...she will hold some resentment of you after she has gone through childbirth and will never love you the same as before children....
2) your mistress, the woman who adores the ground you walk on....this does not always involve sex as it is love relationship as opposed to purely physical...It will give the man a sense of being needed, liked...
and finally 3) the purely physical, hardcore, dirty Friday night sex....
Myself and my wife joke aout this quite often and she really does know how true these feelings are... This is real life... and no I have not had an affair and neither do I ever intend to have one girls...These are just pure male desires and do not replace the love you have for your girlfriend.

pickarooney

Number two is getting a bit of a raw deal, eh?

Beruthiel

pickarooney wrote:

Reassure me, women do realise that all men have an urge to shag every half-way fit female they see, right?

I have no doubt that they do
however
there is a rather large difference between having an urge and following through on that urge

seamus

helia wrote:

I sincerely think that all men would cheat if they could get away with it - you know the 11th commandment thou shalt not get caught. I have just finished a five year relationship because my ex cheated on me, mentally (ie by talking and sharing things that he should have discussed with me). I think I could have coped with the physical stuff if it was a drunken night but this was planned, kept away from me for months and generally underhand.

Having said that I ave also had an affair with a married man (beforehand). Wrong, but my way of looking at it was that it was his conscience. It was purely a confidence booseter at a time I felt low

Bitterness aside, there is slight truth in what you say. All men wouldn't cheat if they could get away with it - it's not about getting caught, it's about trust and honesty. However, you'd find that most men would sleep around, if their partner approved. If a woman came up to man, offered sex, and his partner gave her blessings, he'd probably oblige (or be very tempted to). In fact, he'd probably try to get his partner to come along

Bard

Beruthiel wrote:

there is a rather large difference between having an urge and following through on that urge

Yes, but young Banjo013 here has done both.

Banjo013 wrote:

Even had a brief affair last year, about which I still feel bad.

Wanting to sleep with other women isn't "perfectly alright" or "normal", it's a desire to break the trust and confidence of the person you claim to love. Actually going through with it may be 10 times worse, but merely wanting to do it casts serious doubt on you saying "Now don't get me wrong - I do love her".

There's a big difference between finding other women 'fit' or sexually attractive (which IS perfectly normal) and actually wanting to sleep with them.

Zulu

I wouldn't agree.
I want to sleep with Kate Moss - that dosen't mean I would ever do it.
I want to climb Mount Everest - but I never will.

There is nothing wrong with wanting things we can have, or wanting to do thing we will never do. You are in essence saying dreams are bad. :eek:

Bard

No, I am saying that finding other women attractive whether sexually or otherwise is perfectly fine, whereas harbouring an actual desire to betray the trust of your girlfriend and sleep with another woman is wrong. Have some sense. I find certain celebrities very sexually attractive and I'm sure they'd be great in bed, but considering how much I love my girlfriend, I don't actually want to sleep with them. Fantasy versus reality :- reality wins.

Walls

Find your problem a bit distasteful if I'm honest.

Do you want to sleep around? Do you want to be single? Do you want to be able to be faithful? Do you want to know how to safely be unfaithful?

Do you know what you want, at all?

I don't feel your girlfriend is very lucky, if I'm honest. But hey, that's me. Could be you're the best thing since Park&Ride, we'll never know.

Zulu

Bard wrote:

No, I am saying that finding other women attractive whether sexually or otherwise is perfectly fine, whereas harbouring an actual desire to betray the trust of your girlfriend and sleep with another woman is wrong.

Ok, thats agreeable - but you didn't say that.
You made a point of highlighting that wanting was wrong. (you mightn't have meant it - but that's exactly what you said) ...let me remind you:

Bard wrote:

Wanting to sleep with other women isn't "perfectly alright" or "normal", it's a desire to break the trust and confidence of the person you claim to love.

You made the point that "want = a desire to break trust". I simply wouldn't agree with this.

Bard wrote:

Have some sense.

Now in fairness Bard, if you were a little clearer in your meaning... It's not unusual for someone on Boards to jump to such irrational logic and stand by it. I assumed you meant what you said.

Bard wrote:

I find certain celebrities very sexually attractive and I'm sure they'd be great in bed, but considering how much I love my girlfriend, I don't actually want to sleep with them. Fantasy versus reality :- reality wins.

Well I do want to sleep with them - but I won't. (Assuming I could) I don't think it's a fantasy versus reality issue. I wouldn't act on that want out of respect for the other person in the relationship (I'm not in)

Bard

You made the point that "want = a desire to break trust". I simply wouldn't agree with this.

No, I said that wanting to sleep with other women is a desire to break the trust with your girlfriend. It is. Want = desire. They're synonymous. Abuse her trust like that and you clearly don't love her.

Now in fairness Bard, if you were a little clearer in your meaning... It's not unusual for someone on Boards to jump to such irrational logic and stand by it. I assumed you meant what you said.

There was nothing unclear or irrational about what I said. You can find another woman attractive (which is okay) without having a desire to sleep with them. Having the desire to sleep with them means you want to do something which betrays your girlfriends trust. I meant what I said and I stand by my words.

loz_the_boz

its animal instinct - and therfore trust should be left at home

Zulu

Wanting to do something doesn't mean you will do something.
Because you want to get jiggy with "the hot girl in the office", doesn't mean you will, and it certainly doesn't equate to a breach in trust. Quite the opposite can be true in fact; the opportunity presents itself at a the christmas party and you decline - this would vindicate her trust in you - the fact you could have had someone you wanted, but didn't, to protect the bond of your relationship.

To suggest that wanting to sleep with others is a clear sign of a lack of love is childish and naive. Because you are in love doesn't remove your libido. Love doesn't extinguish the underlying urge to sleep with other people.